Sunday, February 16, 2020

your goodness is running after me/ make a way

in the middle of all our pandemic fears/ adjusting to new rotation, or in my case, nOT adjusting/
in the middle of all my fears and lack of confidence
i mean i kNOW i can do it. but somehow in this new place... it is just so different, and i can't seem to do it the way i usually do. i dont know. i cant really figure out yet why
i mean, i am doing it, maybe i am doing just fine and i feel crappy for no reason at all. yeah. that could be it.
i dont really know the true reasons why i feel this way. i think alot of it is excuses
i should rise to the occasion, i should step up, etc etc

or maybe its due to _____ (which yes. it probably is. so in that case, i deserve to feel that way. that makes me feel slightly better. i need to atone.)

ok that aside, i must put aside all my personal angst and do my best for every single pt
even if i am scared of clearing a case with a new con i might not have met before or who doesnt trust me
I NEED TO TRUST
that God brought me to this posting through a lot of other postings and other crappy things, and that he equipped me with alot of knowledge from studying for random postings and exams and HOW COME I FEEL LIKE AN EVEN LOUSIER DR THAN WHEN I WAS R1. (ok the answer is that, in every new posting, it will always take some time to adjust, and this posting requires a great amount of speed, and it is v apparent when one is slow as the personal q makes it v obvious. and also the difference in workflows also confuses me. like i know what i would do in another hosp but now its different coz diff workflow. and the ever-changing fever workflows arent improving the general feeling either lol)

SO. i am not lousier now than when i was R1. I WILL SOMEHOW REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS I ONCE KNEW, and somehow i will become a good ed doctor again, in this posting, in this setting. SOMEHOW get the cons to trust me. i dont know how since now i also dont trust myself. but i think God must have trusted me becos if not i wouldnt even be here... i would be somewhere in that edinburgh winter snow storm running thru the meadows....

i mean, it definitely doesnt seem like a bed of roses.
but i really do think God is protecting me through this all.
and that maybe on hindsight i will look back and say OH, so THAT was the miracle. THAT was how God saved me from myself for the hundredth time.
yeah. maybe.

when i read the news that the old eye clinic was gonna become our fever area, i totally just LOLED.
hahahahahahah all those memories
immediately texted bchow omg only he will understand PWAHAHAHAH

i also remembered one call which was really bad. i mean all the eye calls were really bad. the pts were fine but i totally died. i once went home at ELEVEN PM POST CALL. guys. eye is not a chill speciality ok. it is a very very difficult specialty. i respect them muchly and am very grateful for all the conjunctivitis pts that my fellow eye mos eyeballed for me due to my generally low threshhold to seek consult and my very very over-care

and then post call i cant rmb why but i think the chain i wore broke. and i left it in that clinic
can u imagine doing loads of eye calls already crappy, without the chain which seems to me to be God's protection
i mean yeah, God is there anyway but i kinda like something tangible
anyway i somehow continued to survive all the crappy calls
then SOMEHOW the chain appeared
in that clinic! one nurse just gave it back to me
so that clinic somehow became a ray of hope and light to me
a small little miracle in the middle of an extremely crappy and hopeless situation
so yeah. cant believe the eye clinic is suddenly a ray of light in my new stressful posting. LOL WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

i shall rest on the knowledge that God is going to help me
i dont know how he is going to help me, but im sure he will :)
i will look back on this period, this posting, and see God's hand in it all.

like i look back on all the painful crappy postings in the past and laugh abt things like getting scolded on the ward rounds, with my hos who are now my peds regs LOL.

see? it can all turn out for good :)
~

his promise is true/
my God will come thru
always

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