Thursday, February 27, 2020

shelter

The arrows fly, ten thousand fall
Still, You protect me through it all
The waters rise, the oceans rage
Still, You're the One the storm obeys
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
To You, I run when mountains shake
You are my shield, my hiding place
Almighty God, I will draw near
Your perfect love casts out all fear
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
I am safe, I am safe
I am safe, I am safe

not for a moment(after all)

omg this month has been.... really felt like lent started early

i realized just ytd that it was ash wednesday. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE

as i watched the livestream of ash wednesday on the way home from resus shift, on the train back home, remembering this poem i wrote in 2009... unexpectedly tears obscuring my vision as the past and present and future seemed to blur into one. unexpectedly feeling that despite all the uncertainties and fears and disbelief, feeling that my guardian angel is with me on this train ride of life, and STICKING UP FOR ME and helping me to STICK UP FOR MYSELF when no other human will.
~
ash wednesday (2009 version)

Last year - dithering on the doorstep
of a forgotten, unfriendly church, in an
unfamiliar, un-navigatable city, cool
dark dusty pews and golden high ceilings,
tracing the reliefs with my sketchy belief-


This year, climbing mountains to find
flowers, I clear spaces where it hurts.
Orange-juice like light spills from the
spring windows of this chapel, dying hair
straw-color, percolating into happy singing


Coats and scarves hug the backs of chairs;
the songs from these who grew up in winters
and snow are the same old ones from my all-
round Easters at home. I carry the cross the
long trek to the silent room with its unwashed


laundry, five flights of stairs with the year's
guilt; why didn't I go into that gilted place,
why didn't I chafe at inertly training back
just to be safe, now, I pray I am forgiven
for my haste and wrath will never find me again.

http://yesitsapun.blogspot.com/2009/03/ash-wednesday.html

~

not for a moment (after all) - vertical horizon
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

~
a) God has a plan, even if i can't see it now
b) God is going to turn this all for good. 
c) thanks guardian angel, for all the help

Sunday, February 16, 2020

footprints

footprints - matt hammitt
Oh, it's amazing, flipping these pages
What's happened through all these years
Down in the basement, looking through the ages
I can see it so clear
Things from this old house
Really mean something now
Like that poem that I used to hear
Hanging round everywhere
I used to write it off
Just a picture on the wall
But now that I've lived some life
Been through some bitter times
I can understand
That one set of footprints in the sand
Oh, those lonely roads that I walked
Sleepless nights that I thought
I was on my own
But those footprints behind me
They tell the story
You carried me all along
Things aren't what they seem
Sometimes there's more than what we see
Ooh, yeah
And when I stop to look back
I can see your faithfulness
Written in the prints that you leave
You are more than here with me
Oh, Lord, you carry me
You are my strength when I'm weak
I see what's ahead of me
When I look back
At that poem that I used to hear
I saw it everywhere
I used to write it off
Now it's hanging on my wall
I still have some life to live
One thing, I'm sure of it
You'll be with me to the end
And I see that one set of your footprints again
You carry me, you carry me so I can rest, I can rest
~

chanced upon this song 

when this song plays, i can literally see the one set of footprints in the snow on a wintery day in edinburgh
and faintly, i can see the set of footprints from the walk from the mrt in
the path, initially new and fearful, but getting more and more well-worn as the years wear on..
~

i count on one thing/ the same God that never fails

had a string of stressful shifts then finally had a nice resus shift today!

also on vday stayed up til like ?1am post shift having fried chicken + beer (ok i just had the fried chicken. but its the thought that counts) with bosses and fellow mos!

~
yes i will - vertical worship

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
You're working all things out
Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will
~
i sincerely hope my journal deadline will be extended
but yknow what, it's up to God, not up to my plans

your goodness is running after me/ make a way

in the middle of all our pandemic fears/ adjusting to new rotation, or in my case, nOT adjusting/
in the middle of all my fears and lack of confidence
i mean i kNOW i can do it. but somehow in this new place... it is just so different, and i can't seem to do it the way i usually do. i dont know. i cant really figure out yet why
i mean, i am doing it, maybe i am doing just fine and i feel crappy for no reason at all. yeah. that could be it.
i dont really know the true reasons why i feel this way. i think alot of it is excuses
i should rise to the occasion, i should step up, etc etc

or maybe its due to _____ (which yes. it probably is. so in that case, i deserve to feel that way. that makes me feel slightly better. i need to atone.)

ok that aside, i must put aside all my personal angst and do my best for every single pt
even if i am scared of clearing a case with a new con i might not have met before or who doesnt trust me
I NEED TO TRUST
that God brought me to this posting through a lot of other postings and other crappy things, and that he equipped me with alot of knowledge from studying for random postings and exams and HOW COME I FEEL LIKE AN EVEN LOUSIER DR THAN WHEN I WAS R1. (ok the answer is that, in every new posting, it will always take some time to adjust, and this posting requires a great amount of speed, and it is v apparent when one is slow as the personal q makes it v obvious. and also the difference in workflows also confuses me. like i know what i would do in another hosp but now its different coz diff workflow. and the ever-changing fever workflows arent improving the general feeling either lol)

SO. i am not lousier now than when i was R1. I WILL SOMEHOW REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS I ONCE KNEW, and somehow i will become a good ed doctor again, in this posting, in this setting. SOMEHOW get the cons to trust me. i dont know how since now i also dont trust myself. but i think God must have trusted me becos if not i wouldnt even be here... i would be somewhere in that edinburgh winter snow storm running thru the meadows....

i mean, it definitely doesnt seem like a bed of roses.
but i really do think God is protecting me through this all.
and that maybe on hindsight i will look back and say OH, so THAT was the miracle. THAT was how God saved me from myself for the hundredth time.
yeah. maybe.

when i read the news that the old eye clinic was gonna become our fever area, i totally just LOLED.
hahahahahahah all those memories
immediately texted bchow omg only he will understand PWAHAHAHAH

i also remembered one call which was really bad. i mean all the eye calls were really bad. the pts were fine but i totally died. i once went home at ELEVEN PM POST CALL. guys. eye is not a chill speciality ok. it is a very very difficult specialty. i respect them muchly and am very grateful for all the conjunctivitis pts that my fellow eye mos eyeballed for me due to my generally low threshhold to seek consult and my very very over-care

and then post call i cant rmb why but i think the chain i wore broke. and i left it in that clinic
can u imagine doing loads of eye calls already crappy, without the chain which seems to me to be God's protection
i mean yeah, God is there anyway but i kinda like something tangible
anyway i somehow continued to survive all the crappy calls
then SOMEHOW the chain appeared
in that clinic! one nurse just gave it back to me
so that clinic somehow became a ray of hope and light to me
a small little miracle in the middle of an extremely crappy and hopeless situation
so yeah. cant believe the eye clinic is suddenly a ray of light in my new stressful posting. LOL WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

i shall rest on the knowledge that God is going to help me
i dont know how he is going to help me, but im sure he will :)
i will look back on this period, this posting, and see God's hand in it all.

like i look back on all the painful crappy postings in the past and laugh abt things like getting scolded on the ward rounds, with my hos who are now my peds regs LOL.

see? it can all turn out for good :)
~

his promise is true/
my God will come thru
always

Saturday, February 8, 2020

day off standby

first day off in a long long while, since pre-cny times even, due to shift swopping++ a total of 3 weeks since my last day off

it has been. a crazy few weeks.

that is an understatement
spent my one day off sleeping and binge-watching grays anatomy on netflix
EXACTLY how a day off should be spent!!

i'm not too sure if it can be described that i survived it per se, but i certainly learnt a lot
there is much to improve and not much time to do it
each week i literally just scramble to meet whatever deadlines i have to
and not to mention the ever-changing colors of the seasons and rainbows
anyway...
in the middle of all this

there are always people i can depend on! apart from the usual fellow posting folks - like teleconf was vvv fun haha, there are the people that have somehow stayed in my life despite all the detritus of it all as well. n/my/a/d/b. thank u guys for being in my life :):)


~
my new fav song!!

your goodness is running after me/running after me
with my life laid down/ i surrender now
and all my life you have been faithful
and all my life you have been so so good
i will sing of the goodness of God
~
Almighty God/ will not fail us
He is with us...
Almighty God/ is our fortress
~

in these crazy times, may we keep trusting and keep believing
may we keep our heads, when all around us are losing theirs

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

the same God who's never late/ is working all things out

yes i will -vertical worship
I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
You're working all things out
Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will
Oh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will
And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand against
~
sometimes life makes no sense AT ALL.. like srsly at all. 
but somehow God turns it all for good
i have no idea how he is going to turn this for good
but i can keep on hoping
that's all i can do 

why u ever chose me/ is a mystery/ you have led me thru the fire

this posting is turning out to be v instructive

this song really spoke to me, today
~
nobody by casting crowns

Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery [yes i wonder too]

All my life, I've been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time
Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody's got a purpose
And if they all forget my name, well, that's fine with me
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus, yeah
~
I love Your voice, You have led me through the fire
In darkest nights You are close like no other
I've known You as a father, I've known You as a friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now, I give You everything
- one sonic society [goodness of God]
~
Dear God, since you brought me to this, please bring me through this as well. 
5months more to go. can i really survive this?! 
i remember the days of snow
i remember the night you led me to the campfire and showed me the way in the darkest of nights. please dont fail me now. 
i know, i know it's gonna be ok, cos u have always come through
~
maybe i can write here, after all, what i learnt so far
1) my life is surrendered to God. after all, if not for him saving me so many years ago, i have no idea how i would have walked out of that unending snowfall so many yrs ago. 
2) i am not really scared of this new virus per se. yea that might sound foolhardy. but in reality i am just jaded beyond belief. but yea PPE and all that. but one thing i really wish is that we survive this all. cos i really really want to fly off to msf one day. i dont know how long it will take to earn that place on that plane.. how long is it going to take to qualify for that. it seems longer and longer and further and further away. will 20 central lines, 10 chest tubes, really qualify me for it?? well, more than the unstated number i currently have now. i dont want to pengsan from this virus right now... i really want to survive this and get on that plane that i have been dreaming off since i was a kid. sorry childhood dreams but very adult worries like HOW TO GET THERE. it seems so hard and far away. i cant imagine how to survive the next few mths not even talking abt years
3) working in a new environment, is really stressful. but its good to learn how to work in diff environments. coz there will always be changing work env and situations. so i shld be more adaptable. ~
one sonic society - never once
Standing on this mountain top
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praiseScars and struggles on the way

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
We know, You are faithful, God, You are faithful
~

one sonic society - always
My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way x2
O my God he will not delay
My refuge in strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through
Always x2
O my God he will not delay
My refuge in strength
Always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through
Always x2
I lift my eyes up my help comes from the LORD! x4
My help comes from the LORD!
My refuge in strength
Always
~
haha totally on a one sonic society kick now
oK JOURNAL CLUB

do with it as u will

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look Thousands were listening to...