Thursday, January 30, 2020

This i know

When im surrounded by uncertainty
And my fear tries to steal control
There is one thing that is no mystery
Jesus loves me this i know

When im flooded w anxiety
Waves of doubt wont drown my soul
Praise the one who walks beside me through
Mountain high and valley low

When my sin says im unreachable
Past the point where grace can go
When i feel anything but unloveable
Jesus loves me this i know

On Christ the solid rock i stand
All other ground is sinking sand
My saving grace, my only hope
~

On the mrt to night shift now
This is just one of a million pre night shift musings. So many of my musings are prenight, post night.
May God keep all my pts safe, past present and future
Help me to do the right thing always, whatever that may be.
Im actually not scared of this wuhan thing
I think im just way too jaded of life alr
As long as God keeps all my pts safe, and helps me to make the right decision always, i am totally ok
---
Smile, theres a bigger plan
The storm only lasts awhile

our daily bread



mmm this puts it best
life is a little crazy reccently
and having nO DAYS OFF thanks to shift swoppin (some pple wanted to swop with me) - doesnt really help
on the bright side, a lot of things i wasnt prepared for got cancelled HAHA whew
anyway
there are alot of things 
really a lot of things
but
somehow
with God's help and grace
maybe 
it will turn out ok? 

i can only trust and hope

Thursday, January 23, 2020

now&forever

You love as I am
Your forgiveness knows no end
My sin is gone as though it had not been
All that You do, You do complete
Who can I compare to You my God?
There's no other love like Yours
All praise I give to You my God
Now and forever
From the ruins of my life
You heard my human cry
Hopeless until You rescue me
All that You do, You do complete
Who can I compare to You my God?
There's no other love like Yours
All praise I give to You my God
Now and forever
I stand in awe
I stand amazed
When i see all You've done for me
~

nuff said 
trust in God. 
trust i will get 10 more central lines
trust i can finish my chest tubes
~
meanwhile, i have been examining my life + what i have done/ not done 

AND THERE IS A LOT

so i have a looong way to improve
i'm on it!

and best of all, i know God is with me, so it's all gonna be fine~
eventually. one day. 

i will EVOLVE. and become a pOKEMON MASTER.
maybe not today. or tmr.
SOMEDAY.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Aquamarine days

Ive had quite a few dept farewell parties by now being pgy5 - actually tbh i kinda stopped counting as the number of pgy increases hahaha. But ive nv been to a ce dept farewell party. 1st time they had it, i was a new out of phase baby mo. 2nd time, i was busy on shift and relearning adult med em from scratch. 

Ytd was pretty warm & fuzzy, and reminded me of how much i love that place. Adult emed is without any doubt the best thing that ever happened to me and also a gift from God. But my very first ed posting and my very first baby mo posting ce will always have a place in my heart! 

And my mentors dr a and dr s, who taught me so much and i was such a blur baby mo then, this meant alot of night shift pep talks by dr s hahahah. Thank you for bearing with me, and encouraging me, and lighting the fire of adrenaline loving behavior. Hearing that i have improved a lot in clinical acumen and all since my peds mopex days, really feels nice (altho it has been like 4 yrs, so i sincerely shld hope i have improved hahah)

And to my fellow r2s- the reccent resus shifts in cgh have shown me the imptance of teamwork and camaraderie. I really couldnt ask for better buddies!! We make an awesome team guys!!! 

And to God, for turning my endless tunnels of despair into something amazing, for turning my years of discouragement into experiences that made me a much better doctor, for turning every single setback into something i could learn from, for always protecting me from making wrong choices. For answering my desperate prayers across the edinburgh rooftops and never leaving me. Thank you for bearing with me. And thank you for helping me greatly improve my green plug setting!!! Best present ever. Next up for miracles: improved central line setting!!!

Thursday, January 9, 2020

i guess i just feel like/ a safe place to land/ worn

sitting here on my day off
feeling like it takes so long to feel human again

haha the christmas crowd and christmastime journal major revision TOTALLY put a spanner in my plans

bUT ITS OK
i can do it!
*self cheerleader

wah ytd first shift. SO MANY PALPITATIONS. palpitations++++
the pre shift coffee DID NOT HELP THE PALPITATIONS. but no choice coz CHRONICALLY SLEEPY.
~

but its ok its ok
i remember my first sgh shift when i walked into that basement corridor to the mo room having such severe palpitations
my first sgh resus shift, when i was SO HAPPY to see dr a, a familiar face in resus
the nurses in resus that shift, that have now become my good friends. they were so nice and kind despite my clear noobness then.
well i clearly survived that.

on one hand, there is alot of expectations... there always is i think
on the other hand, logically i should be able to do it, i should be!
on another hand, six months away is a long time

OK. enough ruminating on this.
what i can do is make a plan
a) submit this journal thingy so it doesnt hang over my head
b) watch the videos and revise what i can
c) practice ultrasound

and hopefully by end of this week, or end of this month... WELL THE FASTER THE BETTER
i will be back up to speed... at least to a baseline average mo lvl! no need to be SUPER AMAZING ED RESIDENT. just at the average lvl of an average person.

just need to be
a) medically safe
b) clear my personal queue
c) hope the bosses like me too!
d) hope the patients like me!

that's all i hope to do :)
please God help me survive this posting

becos right now im having flight of ideas between journal/ online videos/ watching amal mattu videos
jumping everywhere unable to focus
DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE
netflixing too much

just give me your peace and grace.
that's all i ask for
and keep all my pts safe!! at the very minimum!

and thank u for putting debs in same posting as me. its weird coz shes my ho last time but somehow it feels like u have put some accountability buddy there too for me!

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

unending hope

What I need never changes
From the breaking of the morning
To the breaking of my heart
You are good through every season
When the summer sun is shining
When the winter road is hard
You are my one unfailing unbreaking
Unending hope
You are my one unchanging unshaking
Unending hope
You're the same through the ages
You're the God of endless mercy
Speaking life into the dark
And I believe You are for me
Every breath is a reminder
I can trust in who You are
You're the hope that never dies
You're the reason I'm alive
You're the answer for this weary heart of mine
Through it all I know it's true
I can fully rest in you
You're the constant in a sea of changing tides

the night before/ now and forever

a new posting is always scary
~
songs running through my head and spotify playlist right now
1. the afters - moments like this

Here we are on top of the stars
Never thought we'd ever get this far
We live for moments like this
We come alive in moments like this
Here we are this is the time
Like a dream coming to life
We live for moments like these
We come alive in moments like these
I try to take a breath. Thoughts racing through my head.
I try to capture it, but a picture can't hold what a heart is feeling.
I just wanna stop the world from spinning,
Slow it all down for a minute so that I can take it in.
somehow, this is the perfect ED song for me haha. although its more of seeing stars due to dehydration and hypogly, but it summarizes my ed life so far quite well "never thought we'd ever get this far/ we live for moments like this/ like a dream coming to life/ i try to take a breath/ thoughts racing thru my head" 

2. sanctus real confidence - this got me through 6m of eye calls where i saw more nerve palsies, papilloedema, corneal ulcers, anterior uveitis, RD, BRVO, CRVO, in 6m than i will probably see in the rest of my lifetime haha - this is the PERFECT song to play as you come off the mrt at simei and start the walk to cgh, with your heart palpitating nonstop as you wonder what awaits you next

3. kutless with you - THE SONG WHICH HELPED ME TO PASS MCEM PART A the 2nd time round. the second chance for my second chance.

~

ok so, i havent finished my research. NVM. ITS OK. new posting tmr. PRIORITIES.
(ie God pls send some elves to help coz i dont think i can finish it, but)

well, i survived the nightMARE before christmas.
christmas day was nice, the nativity was pretty and i loved coming home to the star in the sky on christmas eve.

then was the NEVERENDING NIGHTS and days post-christmas. then new year which i rang in seeing URTIS. many URTIS. abt 20-22 URTIS per day.  but still grateful to God for not only allowing me to do what i love, but also sending me to do something i love, EVEN MORE. and even better, doing bOTH, at the same time.

anyway, I SURVIVED. all the EXPECTATIONS but it turned out ok. it could have been slightly better i guess but this is as good as it gets. thank you God :)

~
cos the one who began a good work in me
is faithful to make me complete
you're the author
the perfector
my hope
my healer
the reason i believe
i can change
~

onwards and forwards

aims for this posting/year/ whatmacallit
1) be a good human being
2) be a good doctor

think thats it

secondary aims
1) turn R3
2) survive cgh ed
3) submit this research

THAT WILL BE ENOUGH. I WILL BE VERY HAPPY

maybe gym occasionally
oh ya. FINISH THIS CROSSFIT PACKAGE BEFORE IT EXPIRES LOL

~
yeah, i'm scared. new things are always scary. but
a) God is with me
b) He did tell me to do this, years ago "HELLO THIS IS A SIGN I BELIEVED YOU ASKED FOR IT. SIGN"
c) pgy5 and i shld be able to do it la. multiple practice osce practices and mcem practices and emccs. OF COS I CAN DO IT. logically. somewhere the adult ed knowledge is in the crevices of my brain and God will help me remember everything magically tmr. yup
~
" i stand in awe/ i stand amazed/ when i see all u've done for me/ who i can compare to u my God/ all praise i give to u my God/ now and forever"


Monday, January 6, 2020

On jellyfish

In todays edition of randomness
- woke up and did random admin - logging hrs/ roster requests - does it really work?? Will i really get all these magical requests granted??
- opened rosh review for 1st time in ages. Learning abt stingray stings omg so cool.
- Dear God pls help me survive my last ce shift tonight
- need more hrs in a day to play/sleep/chill/decompress/roshreview
- i shld have planned out my research better at the planning stage but bleh i hadnt had all this ebm knowledge then
- hoping the magi ie the 3 wise men ?asian scientists will help me with my research magically in the spirit of epiphany
- speaking french to 3 yo kids is fun!
- wanna barre. Wanna crossfit

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Epiphany

Yay today i managed to make it for mass so twas a good day!

Also i realized it was the epiphany which is one of my fav days not least cos of the pun. It always feels like i will get some impt epiphany from God on this day haha.

Today one of the thoughts that struck me, in the middle of struggling with my research- i can submit my research but in the end, its up to God whether he deems it useful or not to publish it. And then suddenly all the angst of barking up the wrong trees, chasing missing leads etc.. it all melted away. All my insecurities that why are the results so weird and all the reviewers comments which srsly.. came at christmastime too!! It all melted away. Ill give it my best shot. I mean i only have 2 more off days so im not sure how best a best shot i can give it. Ill give it a shot, and God will do the rest. If he deems it insignificant or silly then he will do the appropriate.

Plan for current few days
- research
- then revise adult emed for simwars and for next posting
- pray
- sleep
- netflix
- 2 more shifts!

Also a random thought on ce..what can i say... it has a special place in my heart and in my life. If i had not come to ce, i may never have found my true love emed. But i could also do better in the sense that, i am not a pediatric specialist nor do i pretend to be, i know my limits. So i shall practice safely. And so that we can all sleep happily at night. But maybe pple think i am chui cos of that. Well, thats ok with me :)  never pretended to be a peds person after the last time i left ce as a mopex mo haha that was my peak in terms of peds knowledge. For adult emed - well ok that one i admit i am always continuously learning and one day i will be the senior lol. However that being said, even tho in exam when u say "i will call for help" the help nv really comes, i do think in real life, its impt to know ones limits too! Anyway it has been a blessing to come to ce for the 3rd time. Im not sure if i was most pro this time, i suspect now i may have discussed one too many cases this time hahaha. But the camaraderie of the other r2s has made this the best ce posting out of the 3. No more lonely chocolate bars at 3am as i stagger out half zonked. Instead we have jap food, frog porridge, dim sum and jollibee, cheering to see our room assignments as we troop in, and our very own subq whatsapp grp. Thanks guys for making this my best ce posting yet :):)

Saturday, January 4, 2020

footsteps in the snow


lol two songs that bookended the decade, from 2010 to 2020, it has been a crazy 10 years
i would NEVER have expected myself to have grown so much in the past 10 years
well it definitely wasn't just my doing. haha.  definitely God's! 
eh, i'm also still very flawed, like today i ended at 6pm and came home and watched french tv on netflix and then watched 2 eps of greys and uh, 14mins of the trauma videos. arghhh. but hey i need to decompress right. sanity is more important than a list of publications behind my name right??
kk. work. tomorrow. I WILL FINISH THIS PAPER DRAFT.
also ps: God, thank you for emed, and for, all the, YOU know. stuff. and also for helping me to no longer need that white night on a horse and also for the weight loss of 20kgs (mainly due to shift work causing me to not be hungry/ miss all my meals). thank you for the snow. if not for the snow (which i happen to love), i wouldnt have seen your footsteps. it was sometimes cold, and sometimes lonely, trudging in that snow. but if i hadn't experienced that, i wouldnt know what is this warmth. 
oMG ok 9am shift tmr...
~
i will fear no more - the afters
Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
~
hillsong/ chris tomlin- here i am to worship
Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me
King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me
Well, I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
Well, I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
Well, I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
Well, I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross


garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...