Thursday, May 14, 2020

notion

day off and then one week of holiday!

have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off today
haha full of stuff i love (excuse the crossfit obsession, i really wish i could buy those pretty rogue bumper plates...)
and omg em exits are so far away but since they keep saying "for exams..." "present exam style..." 
and omg ite which i didnt study for in year 1... must study for next years! 



have a million resolutions and things to do this AL
BUT hopefully i can get through at least half of these videos? 
well planning's half the start...

Monday, May 11, 2020

Happiness

Is a postnight workout in my minimakeshift home gym! 
With just 1 barbell and a skipping rope and my beloved wallball, had an amazing sweat sesh! 
18kg on the barbell for 1st set of c&j, 2nd set 15kg. Aiyah i shld have tried 18kg for 2nd set also..
150 single unders
Wallball 6kg! Only rx part of this whole workout...
Did it in 12mins45s! 
Its weird cos i actually workout more now that my gym publishes home wods and i can do more stuff with my newly accquired stockpile haha. Previously i only gymmed when i could make it to well, the gym or if my schedule fit the gym class. Now i can gym at 10pm in my own room!!

Ok now to do my 101 research and ebm and cme which is neverending...
And to dream of when i can get my 4th mini cex...

And dreaming of more wallball wods....

Sunday, April 19, 2020

divine mercy sunday

many yrs ago ? nov 2016, i remember going for a last min confession, something abt the year of divine mercy, and need to walk thru a holy door, and then after that go for confession. i just guai guai followed the plans, but i left the confession to the last day, AS USUAL last minute plans.

i remember being completely mindblown by that confession.
feeling that somehow, i had made it through the door of divine mercy JUST IN TIME.

i also cant rmb what exactly i was doing in my life at nov 2016 but i think i was floating around very confusedly dunno what to do with my life then

since then, i have figured out what to do with my life, and then embarked on what can only be best described as a crazy rollercoaster where in yr 1 i felt pretty pro (since if you are a pgy5 in r1, you will probably be much better than yourself if you were pgy1 doing the same stuff), until now in yr 2, having alot of STRESS AND EXPECTATIONS. and needed alot of central lines and chest tubes...

anyway not to go into details but there is alot of stress.
and lets not even go into the pandemic sweeping the world now. omg. most of the time its fine and i love my colleagues and the camaraderie, cos this is much of why i love emed and why i signed up for it. but sometimes fever shifts can feel a lil apocolyptic i must say. most of the time its ok personally. but for alot of pple in the world, it ISNT OK. which is shitty too.

anyway, so today is divine mercy sunday

life may sometimes be very very crappy, i have nO doubts about that
but today gives me a smidgen of hope. something like how easter gives a crack of sunlight in the middle of the darkness stretching out

that maybe, just maybe... we can make it through the door in time
if such is God's will


Saturday, April 11, 2020


honestly cant rmb if ive posted this before, but it is AWESOME

When the road is long And your strength is gone Remember I am just a prayer away When the way is hard And you are faint of heart Remember I am just a prayer away Hold fast, I'll guide you through the night And fear not, for I am by your side Listen through the rain And you can hear the angels say Help is on the way The moment you begin to pray When the thunders roar You don’t need to be afraid I’ll lead you through the storm So please remember when I say I'm with you always When you are worn out And you are let down Remember I am just a prayer away When every door is locked And you feel so lost Remember I am just a prayer away Hold fast, I'll guide you through the night And fear not, for I am by your side Listen through the rain And you can hear the angels say Help is on the way The moment you begin to pray When the thunders roar You don’t need to be afraid I’ll lead you through the storm So please remember when I say I'm with you always Come and walk with me Come and talk with me Soar on eagle’s wings Run and not be faint Listen through the rain And you can hear the angels say Help is on the way The moment you begin to pray When the thunders roar You don’t need to be afraid I’ll lead you through the storm So please remember when I say I'm with you always I'm with you always
~
sounds like the perfect song to drive home at 12midnight after a shift haha

on a random note, when this thingy is over and life is back to normal, i am totally going to go back to crossfit!! and take part in the open! ok since i cant do a pullup and handstand and muscle up it will be scaled++ but ONE CAN DREAM aiya just for fun only la
keep on going keep on going we can make it through

on winters and summers

chanced upon this somewhere in the depths of the internet - one of my fav poets from the days of rg and jc haha
so true, so true
spent my one off day in a week - livestreaming good friday mass, doing a home WOD and then listening to EMRAP and 2 amal mattu ecg weekly videos
still have TONS more to do but, good start and good break from the grind

good friday mass online was really appreciated too. so glad for computers and the internet man
flashbacks to previous lents and easter seasons also made me grateful for a lot of things. 
it seems like just yesterday i was sitting in the mrt live streaming the ash wednesday mass on youtube, lent is coming to an end so fast
and easter sunday will come soon! one of my fav days since forever. 
come quickly, easter sunday, with your promise of eternal hope, easter bunnies and easter eggs and chocolate and sunshine
come help us in this interminable string of fever-shifts that never seem to end
come soon, summer-days

Sunday, March 29, 2020

garage gym

random snippets of musings
1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about this whole pandemic is that it's terrible beyond words. we are lucky to have enough n95 where we are... but some places arent. im blessed to be in this fight with a set of awesome colleagues and friends and bosses who love to teach and keep on teaching with online zoom classes.

2. crossfit has been the only thing keeping my sanity thru this new posting and crisis of faith where i suddenly realized the holes in my knowledge and my weaknesses. at first it was just a welcome respite to turn the brain off work for a bit, meet new people, get out of the work sleep work sleep cycle and dreaming of work all night too. then it became a bit more as i started to learn more about the crossfit champs, like rich froning, and how he approaches comps - doesnt mind the outcome, just does it for God. what an apt metaphor for this race we are running in this life. and how the crossfit athletes acknowledge that they have weaknesses and the only way is to target each weakness. i have discovered a lot of weaknesses i never knew i had, and i'm slowly buffering each one up, so i'm sure that whenever i become reg, with God's grace, i will be a much much better one. thirdly, i realized that something i sorely lack is situational awareness. it's just that, as i become used to an environment, my familarity with that environment and people, makes it easier for me to overcome that, and then i function just fine in that environment. however, somehow, having a lot of spatial new stuff in crossfit and physical stuff, makes me more aware of the environment... and just generally more physically adept and less blur. although i still look generally blur, it's slightly improving. haha. what physical psychomotor skills.... yes crossfit is the place to sort that out! anyway, crossfit has been a lifesaving thing these few months. im so glad i found this box and signed up for it semi-regularly. although now with this virus pandemic, i'm sort of self-isolating so i cant go for classes... until i dont know when, but its slightly mitigated by the fact that literally the whole world is is lockdown now and doing online home garage gym workouts.

3. i dont know what to say about this pandemic thingy that the whole world hasn't already said, but. with some luck, hope and faith, we'll get through this. that's all one can ever hope. we've been training for this all our lives and we can do it!!

~
on a slightly brighter note, spending my off day netflixing sherlock

also have to
- do tox online thingy
- log pm temp
- watch online mass
- go for jog
- do crossfit home WOD
- do research
- watch a million ecg videos

looking forward to livestreaming the amal mattu ecg thingy coming up soon post fever shift!

Friday, March 6, 2020

my everything



When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you, and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you, and you alone
'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart
Hallelujah
My almighty God divine
Hallelujah
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know I will say
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You're my everything
When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you, and you alone
When my days are few
And death is near
I run to you, and you alone
'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart
Hallelujah
My almighty God divine
Hallelujah
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know I will say
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
and you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing, Hallelujah
My almighty God divine
Hallelujah
I am yours, and you are mine
This is all I know I will say
Hallelujah
By the grace of God above
Hallelujah
Our shining light to shine above
This is all I know I will say
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
This is all I know I will say
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You're my everything
Ohh ohh, you're my everything

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

strength

Do you ever feel weak, inept, unable to do what you want to do? Not strong physically, emotionally or spiritually?
If so, you are not the first person to feel that way.
Gideon was one of those people.
In Judges 6:12, an angel comes to Gideon and says “The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!”
Gideon probably looked around him to see who the angel was talking to!
Gideon definitely didn’t feel like a man of valor. In fact, in verse 15, he asks “How can I save Israel? I’m the smallest, weakest man in the smallest, weakest tribe.”
But God used Gideon and 300 men to defeat an army of their enemy, the Midianites.
In 1 Samuel 17:36, David told King Saul that he had killed both a lion and bear. If you’ve ever seen a lion close up and personal, it’s a frightening thing. The lion that approached David was obviously an obstacle. But David killed it.
God uses difficulties to show His great strength in us. Strength that we may not even be aware of.
It is through those difficulties, when we are besieged and feel surrounded, that His power shows more and His light shines brightest.
In 2 Corinthians 12:10, Paul said “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses… in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
If we can do whatever He asks of us in our own strength, He’s not doing a miracle. His strength will not come through.
But if we look to Him and His strength, we will see what He will do through us.
The Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. He is our strength! Isaiah 52:12
~allworship.com

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

our prayers are getting wiser

i dont think im getting any smarter, or pro-er, or less sucky at this life
but! the difference is! my prayers are getting wiser :)

this quote from the rich froning book really spoke to me.

"Those were different prayers from when I was in high school and college. Back then, I was telling God what I wanted from Him. Now, I’m asking God for the help I need to do what He wants me to."
~ rich froning

faith, family and fitness

ive discovered kindle for mac which opened up alot of possibilities! 
so far ive read station eleven (bleh pandemics), kirstin davidsdottirs's memoirs, and RICH FRONING's book

IT IS AWESOME

i couldnt have expected to have so many life changing epiphanies just from reading a crossfit book tbh

there are many quotable quotes, but this one really stuck with me "faith, family and fitness"
its amazing that the fittest guy on earth goes into competition thinking that, it doesnt matter what he places, God has a plan for him anyway

his number one goal was literally just to glorify God. and it might seem strange right, how to do that just by lifting weights right? but he TOTALLY DID IT. and he knew that, he could do it even if he won or not! 

felt very very inspired reading his book
now currently researching how to fly to cookeville to drop in to his gym crossfit mayhem hahahah

something that really inspires me when reading these crossfit memoirs is that, apart from the peaks of winning (that makes the books have a happy ending. haha. although some of the endings are - they won 3rd place not first. but they still find peace within themselves and thats most impt), it's when they fall from the rope - a physical rope, but representing the rope of life. when the rope gives u a viscious rope burn. when u hear the roaring in your ears that drowns out logic. how do u stand up from that, climb the rope again. again and again. and even after the time cap, pick yourself up, TRAIN WITH THE ROPE FOR ONE YEAR and then try again and finally conquer the rope

i need to learn that
best lesson i ever learnt
i am going to train with my metaphysical rope for one year
and i will CONQUER THE ROPE

Thursday, February 27, 2020

shelter

The arrows fly, ten thousand fall
Still, You protect me through it all
The waters rise, the oceans rage
Still, You're the One the storm obeys
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
To You, I run when mountains shake
You are my shield, my hiding place
Almighty God, I will draw near
Your perfect love casts out all fear
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
There's nothing left to fear
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
In the shelter of Your presence
In the shadow of Your wings
I am safe, I am safe
I will hold onto Your promise
You will not abandon me
I am safe, I am safe
I am safe, I am safe
I am safe, I am safe

not for a moment(after all)

omg this month has been.... really felt like lent started early

i realized just ytd that it was ash wednesday. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE

as i watched the livestream of ash wednesday on the way home from resus shift, on the train back home, remembering this poem i wrote in 2009... unexpectedly tears obscuring my vision as the past and present and future seemed to blur into one. unexpectedly feeling that despite all the uncertainties and fears and disbelief, feeling that my guardian angel is with me on this train ride of life, and STICKING UP FOR ME and helping me to STICK UP FOR MYSELF when no other human will.
~
ash wednesday (2009 version)

Last year - dithering on the doorstep
of a forgotten, unfriendly church, in an
unfamiliar, un-navigatable city, cool
dark dusty pews and golden high ceilings,
tracing the reliefs with my sketchy belief-


This year, climbing mountains to find
flowers, I clear spaces where it hurts.
Orange-juice like light spills from the
spring windows of this chapel, dying hair
straw-color, percolating into happy singing


Coats and scarves hug the backs of chairs;
the songs from these who grew up in winters
and snow are the same old ones from my all-
round Easters at home. I carry the cross the
long trek to the silent room with its unwashed


laundry, five flights of stairs with the year's
guilt; why didn't I go into that gilted place,
why didn't I chafe at inertly training back
just to be safe, now, I pray I am forgiven
for my haste and wrath will never find me again.

http://yesitsapun.blogspot.com/2009/03/ash-wednesday.html

~

not for a moment (after all) - vertical horizon
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

~
a) God has a plan, even if i can't see it now
b) God is going to turn this all for good. 
c) thanks guardian angel, for all the help

Sunday, February 16, 2020

footprints

footprints - matt hammitt
Oh, it's amazing, flipping these pages
What's happened through all these years
Down in the basement, looking through the ages
I can see it so clear
Things from this old house
Really mean something now
Like that poem that I used to hear
Hanging round everywhere
I used to write it off
Just a picture on the wall
But now that I've lived some life
Been through some bitter times
I can understand
That one set of footprints in the sand
Oh, those lonely roads that I walked
Sleepless nights that I thought
I was on my own
But those footprints behind me
They tell the story
You carried me all along
Things aren't what they seem
Sometimes there's more than what we see
Ooh, yeah
And when I stop to look back
I can see your faithfulness
Written in the prints that you leave
You are more than here with me
Oh, Lord, you carry me
You are my strength when I'm weak
I see what's ahead of me
When I look back
At that poem that I used to hear
I saw it everywhere
I used to write it off
Now it's hanging on my wall
I still have some life to live
One thing, I'm sure of it
You'll be with me to the end
And I see that one set of your footprints again
You carry me, you carry me so I can rest, I can rest
~

chanced upon this song 

when this song plays, i can literally see the one set of footprints in the snow on a wintery day in edinburgh
and faintly, i can see the set of footprints from the walk from the mrt in
the path, initially new and fearful, but getting more and more well-worn as the years wear on..
~

i count on one thing/ the same God that never fails

had a string of stressful shifts then finally had a nice resus shift today!

also on vday stayed up til like ?1am post shift having fried chicken + beer (ok i just had the fried chicken. but its the thought that counts) with bosses and fellow mos!

~
yes i will - vertical worship

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
You're working all things out
Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will
~
i sincerely hope my journal deadline will be extended
but yknow what, it's up to God, not up to my plans

your goodness is running after me/ make a way

in the middle of all our pandemic fears/ adjusting to new rotation, or in my case, nOT adjusting/
in the middle of all my fears and lack of confidence
i mean i kNOW i can do it. but somehow in this new place... it is just so different, and i can't seem to do it the way i usually do. i dont know. i cant really figure out yet why
i mean, i am doing it, maybe i am doing just fine and i feel crappy for no reason at all. yeah. that could be it.
i dont really know the true reasons why i feel this way. i think alot of it is excuses
i should rise to the occasion, i should step up, etc etc

or maybe its due to _____ (which yes. it probably is. so in that case, i deserve to feel that way. that makes me feel slightly better. i need to atone.)

ok that aside, i must put aside all my personal angst and do my best for every single pt
even if i am scared of clearing a case with a new con i might not have met before or who doesnt trust me
I NEED TO TRUST
that God brought me to this posting through a lot of other postings and other crappy things, and that he equipped me with alot of knowledge from studying for random postings and exams and HOW COME I FEEL LIKE AN EVEN LOUSIER DR THAN WHEN I WAS R1. (ok the answer is that, in every new posting, it will always take some time to adjust, and this posting requires a great amount of speed, and it is v apparent when one is slow as the personal q makes it v obvious. and also the difference in workflows also confuses me. like i know what i would do in another hosp but now its different coz diff workflow. and the ever-changing fever workflows arent improving the general feeling either lol)

SO. i am not lousier now than when i was R1. I WILL SOMEHOW REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS I ONCE KNEW, and somehow i will become a good ed doctor again, in this posting, in this setting. SOMEHOW get the cons to trust me. i dont know how since now i also dont trust myself. but i think God must have trusted me becos if not i wouldnt even be here... i would be somewhere in that edinburgh winter snow storm running thru the meadows....

i mean, it definitely doesnt seem like a bed of roses.
but i really do think God is protecting me through this all.
and that maybe on hindsight i will look back and say OH, so THAT was the miracle. THAT was how God saved me from myself for the hundredth time.
yeah. maybe.

when i read the news that the old eye clinic was gonna become our fever area, i totally just LOLED.
hahahahahahah all those memories
immediately texted bchow omg only he will understand PWAHAHAHAH

i also remembered one call which was really bad. i mean all the eye calls were really bad. the pts were fine but i totally died. i once went home at ELEVEN PM POST CALL. guys. eye is not a chill speciality ok. it is a very very difficult specialty. i respect them muchly and am very grateful for all the conjunctivitis pts that my fellow eye mos eyeballed for me due to my generally low threshhold to seek consult and my very very over-care

and then post call i cant rmb why but i think the chain i wore broke. and i left it in that clinic
can u imagine doing loads of eye calls already crappy, without the chain which seems to me to be God's protection
i mean yeah, God is there anyway but i kinda like something tangible
anyway i somehow continued to survive all the crappy calls
then SOMEHOW the chain appeared
in that clinic! one nurse just gave it back to me
so that clinic somehow became a ray of hope and light to me
a small little miracle in the middle of an extremely crappy and hopeless situation
so yeah. cant believe the eye clinic is suddenly a ray of light in my new stressful posting. LOL WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

i shall rest on the knowledge that God is going to help me
i dont know how he is going to help me, but im sure he will :)
i will look back on this period, this posting, and see God's hand in it all.

like i look back on all the painful crappy postings in the past and laugh abt things like getting scolded on the ward rounds, with my hos who are now my peds regs LOL.

see? it can all turn out for good :)
~

his promise is true/
my God will come thru
always

Saturday, February 8, 2020

day off standby

first day off in a long long while, since pre-cny times even, due to shift swopping++ a total of 3 weeks since my last day off

it has been. a crazy few weeks.

that is an understatement
spent my one day off sleeping and binge-watching grays anatomy on netflix
EXACTLY how a day off should be spent!!

i'm not too sure if it can be described that i survived it per se, but i certainly learnt a lot
there is much to improve and not much time to do it
each week i literally just scramble to meet whatever deadlines i have to
and not to mention the ever-changing colors of the seasons and rainbows
anyway...
in the middle of all this

there are always people i can depend on! apart from the usual fellow posting folks - like teleconf was vvv fun haha, there are the people that have somehow stayed in my life despite all the detritus of it all as well. n/my/a/d/b. thank u guys for being in my life :):)


~
my new fav song!!

your goodness is running after me/running after me
with my life laid down/ i surrender now
and all my life you have been faithful
and all my life you have been so so good
i will sing of the goodness of God
~
Almighty God/ will not fail us
He is with us...
Almighty God/ is our fortress
~

in these crazy times, may we keep trusting and keep believing
may we keep our heads, when all around us are losing theirs

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

the same God who's never late/ is working all things out

yes i will -vertical worship
I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
You're working all things out
Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will
Oh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will
And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand against
~
sometimes life makes no sense AT ALL.. like srsly at all. 
but somehow God turns it all for good
i have no idea how he is going to turn this for good
but i can keep on hoping
that's all i can do 

why u ever chose me/ is a mystery/ you have led me thru the fire

this posting is turning out to be v instructive

this song really spoke to me, today
~
nobody by casting crowns

Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery [yes i wonder too]

All my life, I've been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time
Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody's got a purpose
And if they all forget my name, well, that's fine with me
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus, yeah
~
I love Your voice, You have led me through the fire
In darkest nights You are close like no other
I've known You as a father, I've known You as a friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now, I give You everything
- one sonic society [goodness of God]
~
Dear God, since you brought me to this, please bring me through this as well. 
5months more to go. can i really survive this?! 
i remember the days of snow
i remember the night you led me to the campfire and showed me the way in the darkest of nights. please dont fail me now. 
i know, i know it's gonna be ok, cos u have always come through
~
maybe i can write here, after all, what i learnt so far
1) my life is surrendered to God. after all, if not for him saving me so many years ago, i have no idea how i would have walked out of that unending snowfall so many yrs ago. 
2) i am not really scared of this new virus per se. yea that might sound foolhardy. but in reality i am just jaded beyond belief. but yea PPE and all that. but one thing i really wish is that we survive this all. cos i really really want to fly off to msf one day. i dont know how long it will take to earn that place on that plane.. how long is it going to take to qualify for that. it seems longer and longer and further and further away. will 20 central lines, 10 chest tubes, really qualify me for it?? well, more than the unstated number i currently have now. i dont want to pengsan from this virus right now... i really want to survive this and get on that plane that i have been dreaming off since i was a kid. sorry childhood dreams but very adult worries like HOW TO GET THERE. it seems so hard and far away. i cant imagine how to survive the next few mths not even talking abt years
3) working in a new environment, is really stressful. but its good to learn how to work in diff environments. coz there will always be changing work env and situations. so i shld be more adaptable. ~
one sonic society - never once
Standing on this mountain top
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praiseScars and struggles on the way

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
We know, You are faithful, God, You are faithful
~

one sonic society - always
My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way x2
O my God he will not delay
My refuge in strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through
Always x2
O my God he will not delay
My refuge in strength
Always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through
Always x2
I lift my eyes up my help comes from the LORD! x4
My help comes from the LORD!
My refuge in strength
Always
~
haha totally on a one sonic society kick now
oK JOURNAL CLUB

Thursday, January 30, 2020

This i know

When im surrounded by uncertainty
And my fear tries to steal control
There is one thing that is no mystery
Jesus loves me this i know

When im flooded w anxiety
Waves of doubt wont drown my soul
Praise the one who walks beside me through
Mountain high and valley low

When my sin says im unreachable
Past the point where grace can go
When i feel anything but unloveable
Jesus loves me this i know

On Christ the solid rock i stand
All other ground is sinking sand
My saving grace, my only hope
~

On the mrt to night shift now
This is just one of a million pre night shift musings. So many of my musings are prenight, post night.
May God keep all my pts safe, past present and future
Help me to do the right thing always, whatever that may be.
Im actually not scared of this wuhan thing
I think im just way too jaded of life alr
As long as God keeps all my pts safe, and helps me to make the right decision always, i am totally ok
---
Smile, theres a bigger plan
The storm only lasts awhile

our daily bread



mmm this puts it best
life is a little crazy reccently
and having nO DAYS OFF thanks to shift swoppin (some pple wanted to swop with me) - doesnt really help
on the bright side, a lot of things i wasnt prepared for got cancelled HAHA whew
anyway
there are alot of things 
really a lot of things
but
somehow
with God's help and grace
maybe 
it will turn out ok? 

i can only trust and hope

Thursday, January 23, 2020

now&forever

You love as I am
Your forgiveness knows no end
My sin is gone as though it had not been
All that You do, You do complete
Who can I compare to You my God?
There's no other love like Yours
All praise I give to You my God
Now and forever
From the ruins of my life
You heard my human cry
Hopeless until You rescue me
All that You do, You do complete
Who can I compare to You my God?
There's no other love like Yours
All praise I give to You my God
Now and forever
I stand in awe
I stand amazed
When i see all You've done for me
~

nuff said 
trust in God. 
trust i will get 10 more central lines
trust i can finish my chest tubes
~
meanwhile, i have been examining my life + what i have done/ not done 

AND THERE IS A LOT

so i have a looong way to improve
i'm on it!

and best of all, i know God is with me, so it's all gonna be fine~
eventually. one day. 

i will EVOLVE. and become a pOKEMON MASTER.
maybe not today. or tmr.
SOMEDAY.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Aquamarine days

Ive had quite a few dept farewell parties by now being pgy5 - actually tbh i kinda stopped counting as the number of pgy increases hahaha. But ive nv been to a ce dept farewell party. 1st time they had it, i was a new out of phase baby mo. 2nd time, i was busy on shift and relearning adult med em from scratch. 

Ytd was pretty warm & fuzzy, and reminded me of how much i love that place. Adult emed is without any doubt the best thing that ever happened to me and also a gift from God. But my very first ed posting and my very first baby mo posting ce will always have a place in my heart! 

And my mentors dr a and dr s, who taught me so much and i was such a blur baby mo then, this meant alot of night shift pep talks by dr s hahahah. Thank you for bearing with me, and encouraging me, and lighting the fire of adrenaline loving behavior. Hearing that i have improved a lot in clinical acumen and all since my peds mopex days, really feels nice (altho it has been like 4 yrs, so i sincerely shld hope i have improved hahah)

And to my fellow r2s- the reccent resus shifts in cgh have shown me the imptance of teamwork and camaraderie. I really couldnt ask for better buddies!! We make an awesome team guys!!! 

And to God, for turning my endless tunnels of despair into something amazing, for turning my years of discouragement into experiences that made me a much better doctor, for turning every single setback into something i could learn from, for always protecting me from making wrong choices. For answering my desperate prayers across the edinburgh rooftops and never leaving me. Thank you for bearing with me. And thank you for helping me greatly improve my green plug setting!!! Best present ever. Next up for miracles: improved central line setting!!!

Thursday, January 9, 2020

i guess i just feel like/ a safe place to land/ worn

sitting here on my day off
feeling like it takes so long to feel human again

haha the christmas crowd and christmastime journal major revision TOTALLY put a spanner in my plans

bUT ITS OK
i can do it!
*self cheerleader

wah ytd first shift. SO MANY PALPITATIONS. palpitations++++
the pre shift coffee DID NOT HELP THE PALPITATIONS. but no choice coz CHRONICALLY SLEEPY.
~

but its ok its ok
i remember my first sgh shift when i walked into that basement corridor to the mo room having such severe palpitations
my first sgh resus shift, when i was SO HAPPY to see dr a, a familiar face in resus
the nurses in resus that shift, that have now become my good friends. they were so nice and kind despite my clear noobness then.
well i clearly survived that.

on one hand, there is alot of expectations... there always is i think
on the other hand, logically i should be able to do it, i should be!
on another hand, six months away is a long time

OK. enough ruminating on this.
what i can do is make a plan
a) submit this journal thingy so it doesnt hang over my head
b) watch the videos and revise what i can
c) practice ultrasound

and hopefully by end of this week, or end of this month... WELL THE FASTER THE BETTER
i will be back up to speed... at least to a baseline average mo lvl! no need to be SUPER AMAZING ED RESIDENT. just at the average lvl of an average person.

just need to be
a) medically safe
b) clear my personal queue
c) hope the bosses like me too!
d) hope the patients like me!

that's all i hope to do :)
please God help me survive this posting

becos right now im having flight of ideas between journal/ online videos/ watching amal mattu videos
jumping everywhere unable to focus
DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE
netflixing too much

just give me your peace and grace.
that's all i ask for
and keep all my pts safe!! at the very minimum!

and thank u for putting debs in same posting as me. its weird coz shes my ho last time but somehow it feels like u have put some accountability buddy there too for me!

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

unending hope

What I need never changes
From the breaking of the morning
To the breaking of my heart
You are good through every season
When the summer sun is shining
When the winter road is hard
You are my one unfailing unbreaking
Unending hope
You are my one unchanging unshaking
Unending hope
You're the same through the ages
You're the God of endless mercy
Speaking life into the dark
And I believe You are for me
Every breath is a reminder
I can trust in who You are
You're the hope that never dies
You're the reason I'm alive
You're the answer for this weary heart of mine
Through it all I know it's true
I can fully rest in you
You're the constant in a sea of changing tides

the night before/ now and forever

a new posting is always scary
~
songs running through my head and spotify playlist right now
1. the afters - moments like this

Here we are on top of the stars
Never thought we'd ever get this far
We live for moments like this
We come alive in moments like this
Here we are this is the time
Like a dream coming to life
We live for moments like these
We come alive in moments like these
I try to take a breath. Thoughts racing through my head.
I try to capture it, but a picture can't hold what a heart is feeling.
I just wanna stop the world from spinning,
Slow it all down for a minute so that I can take it in.
somehow, this is the perfect ED song for me haha. although its more of seeing stars due to dehydration and hypogly, but it summarizes my ed life so far quite well "never thought we'd ever get this far/ we live for moments like this/ like a dream coming to life/ i try to take a breath/ thoughts racing thru my head" 

2. sanctus real confidence - this got me through 6m of eye calls where i saw more nerve palsies, papilloedema, corneal ulcers, anterior uveitis, RD, BRVO, CRVO, in 6m than i will probably see in the rest of my lifetime haha - this is the PERFECT song to play as you come off the mrt at simei and start the walk to cgh, with your heart palpitating nonstop as you wonder what awaits you next

3. kutless with you - THE SONG WHICH HELPED ME TO PASS MCEM PART A the 2nd time round. the second chance for my second chance.

~

ok so, i havent finished my research. NVM. ITS OK. new posting tmr. PRIORITIES.
(ie God pls send some elves to help coz i dont think i can finish it, but)

well, i survived the nightMARE before christmas.
christmas day was nice, the nativity was pretty and i loved coming home to the star in the sky on christmas eve.

then was the NEVERENDING NIGHTS and days post-christmas. then new year which i rang in seeing URTIS. many URTIS. abt 20-22 URTIS per day.  but still grateful to God for not only allowing me to do what i love, but also sending me to do something i love, EVEN MORE. and even better, doing bOTH, at the same time.

anyway, I SURVIVED. all the EXPECTATIONS but it turned out ok. it could have been slightly better i guess but this is as good as it gets. thank you God :)

~
cos the one who began a good work in me
is faithful to make me complete
you're the author
the perfector
my hope
my healer
the reason i believe
i can change
~

onwards and forwards

aims for this posting/year/ whatmacallit
1) be a good human being
2) be a good doctor

think thats it

secondary aims
1) turn R3
2) survive cgh ed
3) submit this research

THAT WILL BE ENOUGH. I WILL BE VERY HAPPY

maybe gym occasionally
oh ya. FINISH THIS CROSSFIT PACKAGE BEFORE IT EXPIRES LOL

~
yeah, i'm scared. new things are always scary. but
a) God is with me
b) He did tell me to do this, years ago "HELLO THIS IS A SIGN I BELIEVED YOU ASKED FOR IT. SIGN"
c) pgy5 and i shld be able to do it la. multiple practice osce practices and mcem practices and emccs. OF COS I CAN DO IT. logically. somewhere the adult ed knowledge is in the crevices of my brain and God will help me remember everything magically tmr. yup
~
" i stand in awe/ i stand amazed/ when i see all u've done for me/ who i can compare to u my God/ all praise i give to u my God/ now and forever"


Monday, January 6, 2020

On jellyfish

In todays edition of randomness
- woke up and did random admin - logging hrs/ roster requests - does it really work?? Will i really get all these magical requests granted??
- opened rosh review for 1st time in ages. Learning abt stingray stings omg so cool.
- Dear God pls help me survive my last ce shift tonight
- need more hrs in a day to play/sleep/chill/decompress/roshreview
- i shld have planned out my research better at the planning stage but bleh i hadnt had all this ebm knowledge then
- hoping the magi ie the 3 wise men ?asian scientists will help me with my research magically in the spirit of epiphany
- speaking french to 3 yo kids is fun!
- wanna barre. Wanna crossfit

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Epiphany

Yay today i managed to make it for mass so twas a good day!

Also i realized it was the epiphany which is one of my fav days not least cos of the pun. It always feels like i will get some impt epiphany from God on this day haha.

Today one of the thoughts that struck me, in the middle of struggling with my research- i can submit my research but in the end, its up to God whether he deems it useful or not to publish it. And then suddenly all the angst of barking up the wrong trees, chasing missing leads etc.. it all melted away. All my insecurities that why are the results so weird and all the reviewers comments which srsly.. came at christmastime too!! It all melted away. Ill give it my best shot. I mean i only have 2 more off days so im not sure how best a best shot i can give it. Ill give it a shot, and God will do the rest. If he deems it insignificant or silly then he will do the appropriate.

Plan for current few days
- research
- then revise adult emed for simwars and for next posting
- pray
- sleep
- netflix
- 2 more shifts!

Also a random thought on ce..what can i say... it has a special place in my heart and in my life. If i had not come to ce, i may never have found my true love emed. But i could also do better in the sense that, i am not a pediatric specialist nor do i pretend to be, i know my limits. So i shall practice safely. And so that we can all sleep happily at night. But maybe pple think i am chui cos of that. Well, thats ok with me :)  never pretended to be a peds person after the last time i left ce as a mopex mo haha that was my peak in terms of peds knowledge. For adult emed - well ok that one i admit i am always continuously learning and one day i will be the senior lol. However that being said, even tho in exam when u say "i will call for help" the help nv really comes, i do think in real life, its impt to know ones limits too! Anyway it has been a blessing to come to ce for the 3rd time. Im not sure if i was most pro this time, i suspect now i may have discussed one too many cases this time hahaha. But the camaraderie of the other r2s has made this the best ce posting out of the 3. No more lonely chocolate bars at 3am as i stagger out half zonked. Instead we have jap food, frog porridge, dim sum and jollibee, cheering to see our room assignments as we troop in, and our very own subq whatsapp grp. Thanks guys for making this my best ce posting yet :):)

notion

day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...