Monday, December 30, 2019

merciful plans/ 9%

looking at my laptop battery draining to 9%

yeah, laptop battery, i feel you

i have no idea how my battery drained so fast. ok. maybe i have some idea. tbh, i am no stranger to hard work and crazy crowds and working nonstop. i actually thrive on it in a crazy way. i was drawn to this crazy work ethic and battling busy days with my friends in emergency departments round the country is pretty much what i signed up for forever. i love feeling like i am making a small difference, helping this ocean one starfish at a time! 

but i have to say that sometimes, external forces wear us down. 
working nonstop and overtime, is TOTALLY DOABLE. as in personally, i have no problem at all doing it nonstop and way beyond what i need to do in terms of time or effort. i think we all know that. 

its the other things. 
the small or big injustices that wear on us. 
its things like, being appreciated as a human being, even though i might be working like a robot. 
it's things like, not being forced to celebrate a holiday i despise with all my heart, for a culture i dont feel i belong to at all, with people i dislike. 

its things like... just wish that, people would be understanding and realize that, i might look like a complete sloth, slothing away between shifts. it might look like i am basically a complete hobo with post night hair, no makeup, just woke up look, enjoying myself with languages or netflix or korean dramas. i probably look like those people in kdramas that are 30+ and still leech around at home (the kind that are gonna get some major breakthru and have a happy ending by the end of the kdrama... i hope so?). 

but what they dont understand is

that maybe the night before, i might have seen 20+ patients
i might have gone 8 or 9 or 10 hours with no food or drink or toilet break
yes, i love this. but that doesn't change the fact that, it is physically tiring

and people need to decompress
people need a few hours to feel human again, in between all of this

dont get me started on my research paper i have to rewrite, which i have no idea where to start
and then i am worried, if it sucks and it really gets published... isnt that ten times more paiseh. bleh

ANYWAY the point is, work by itself, over the years, has become slightly more manageable. i mean every time i go to a new posting be it new or old or pseudo-new, it will be stressful and takes some acclimatization and sometimes there is alot of preceding expectation and that also stresses me out yadayada. but there is no disputing the fact that residency with its clear year 1 to y5 and also the built in support system and camaraderie makes it a lot a lot better than the mopex years. the mopex years really were quite an existential crisis. so yeah. i can handle most things.

but on SOME days, like after working nonstop with no break for a LONG time, despite all the nice stuff about my life these days, if i am completely pushed to the brink on a personal level, by unreasonable people - YES. my sense of injustice CAN surface and i can get really shouty and debaterish. its probably good that i'm not a lawyer, cos the only arguments i ever win can probably be counted on one hand - usually those formal public debates i pre-script my jokes LOL. 

anyway i wanted to say that, these are the reasons my battery is now almost at 6% lol. 
and that more understanding in this life would be great
but i'm not sure i'll ever get it. 
i just look too much like a hobo leeching around when i am post night or post shift. no one in my personal life would ever believe that i might actually be a functional human being useful to society. they also clearly havent watched grays anatomy before. lol. 

BUT. i can be the bigger person, after a few days of angst. 
anyway, i usually lose arguments in real life anyways, so i am used to ignoring all these. 

this article was great :):)
When faith looks to the past and to the future, it says with David, “You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us” (Psalm 40:5). The past is full of his wondrous deeds. The future is full of his merciful plans.

No past can be a wasteland if Christ himself has walked there. No matter how much guilt in the years gone by, the ground bears the footprints of “the God who works wonders” (Judges 13:19). As we find ourselves rehearsing all the bitterness behind us, then, we need to tell ourselves the fuller story: “God has forgiven me; Christ has redeemed me; the past is full of his wondrous deeds.”
Do not miss the footprints of mercy.
Of course, the merciful plans God multiplies for us likely will be quite different from the plans we would multiply for ourselves. And we can thank God they will be, for we are poor planners, every one of us: we dream up seventy years of happiness, while God has eternity on his mind (Romans 8:18).
God’s merciful plans, then, should not lead us to expect days of untroubled serenity ahead — rather, days that will reveal more constellations of God’s glory to us, even if we must walk through deep darkness to see them. The most merciful plans of our God are those that bring us to say, whatever it takes, “Great is the Lord!” (Psalm 40:16).

Sunday, December 29, 2019

100%

Some days we dont function 100%

Today has been a dissociative fugue
A hide under a blanket in the rain kinda day

I mean i wish so many things
Eg
I wish ____ understood that medicine is busy and so i may not have the time or energy to do alot of things. That maybe i am supposed or not supposed to do. But oh well.

I wish they understood that i cannot get every public holiday off as an perm ed person, and i am unlikely to for ever tbh, cos i am gonna do ed forever. And actually u know what, i love ed so much it actually suits me fine!! I love working on ph actually! My fav shift is resus on my birthday! Been doing that a few yrs running. No one ever complained when i worked on my bday. Only when i miss some commitment on a public holiday i dislike anyway. Hmmm

But even tho i felt so so so crappy and down today and totally was abit mentally shaggedout and lagged and shutdown peripherally and centrally. Even though i felt so rained upon and slug like and brainfog. Somehow God managed to keep my pts safe, nice snrs, easy to clear cases. Thats the miracle! Ok it was crazy but somehow i survived. Well now i am still shagged out...
But tmr will be a better day! (I hope...)

Anyway.
I dont really know what to say
Somethings are easier than others
Some things make no sense and i would love to fight all the way for my moral highgrounds. My sense of injustice

But i learnt from a very early age that for some reason, these perceived justices... somehow fighting them all the way... it didnt work out.

But somehow, along the way, things kinda worked out. For the most part

So yea. There r some things i can do better. And there are also many ways i am right!  I wanna shout i am right from the rooftops! But who is listening? No one dude. You learnt this lesson yrs ago. Why bother.

Anyway, i am not sure what is the answer
Maybe tmr i will find it
Maybe tmr i will know what earthly object i can buy to make myself feel happier with retail therapy

In the meantime, dear God, thank u for keeping my pts safe and helping me to compartmentalize my life. Help me to compartmentalize it even more and at least be a good doctor, if not a good human being.

Ps God. I really hate the cny holiday. Can u cancel it and make it perm christmas pls. I love christmas so so much. Presents n carols and happiness! And best of all the unshakeable feeling that you are always there.


Tuesday, December 24, 2019

christmas eve musings

sitting here feeling very sleep deprived in general

pre evening shift on christmas eve, doing SAQ qns and listening to a christmas spotify playlist for da christmassy mood

uhh my saq is not done, it's due tmr, my project needs major revisions for the manuscript, and i realise i am v bad at research...
ITS OK. GOD WILL PROVIDE

that's what ___ told me the other day when i saw cases overtime as usual till i missed mass. oops..

aim for tmr: MAKE IT FOR CHRISTMAS DAY MASS

anyway merry christmas guys :):)

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Reflections on 2019!


 Jan 2019 

post night shift thoughts after ONE YEAR AWAY
one year is a LONG TIME but what stood out to me is the PEOPLE make a big difference. thats how you know you are homee~
"this is home, truly, where i know i must be..."

#thisishometruly #emed #ilovebasementmoroom

Feb 2019
AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! amazed and in awe of God's timing. 
~
small things along the way, like chancing upon a church open late at night for a 3day vigil prayer was really awesome. balm to the tired feet and tired soul.

#verytiredfeet 

Mar 2019

just now i drove to church for the first time in 2 weeks and i took the wrong way kinda and overshot. had to make a u turn. it was a good metaphor. sometimes we get distracted or life doesnt go perfectly the way we plan to. even if we are doing something perfectly legit like... going to church. BUT. God will always give us a way out, a way to u turn back, a second chance. STORY OF MY LIFE. 

~
i really would like to go to _____(eusemprague) because the pre conf workshops look AMAZING. disaster med. ultrasound. okok if i really get to go, i will be VERY GRATEFUL and amazed. coz i nearly almost gave up, then God gave me an idea out of nowhere.

#SPOILER: I WAS ABLE TO GO TO PRAGUE!! 

April 2019
i wish i could write something which is not just "i am so tired and exhausted". but oh well
~

sometimes i really so want to just HECK IT ALL and fly off to africa to join MSF. But yea i need to train to fix all the knowledge gaps i have, and procedural gaps *central lines cough * and then only when i am at a certain level, then i can think of going. 

May 2019

it has been fun having a student around. my latest student was really enjoyable to have around and i loved teaching stuff. so many proud moments like when a new mo came to ask how to do backslab and my student jumped up said "i know!!" and ran to teach him hahaha

#teachingportfolio #reflections

June 2019
STATS COMING OUT MY EARS
~
for your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other
your goodness is running after me
with my life laid down, im surrendered now
cause all my life You have been so so good

~
memories of a dark night trying to find the firelight, stumbling along in the dark (i dont even mean metaphorically lol. i mean LITERALLY). such a relief to have finally found the campfire light lol. those memories kept flashing across my mind

July 2019

ED at the mothershiphosp has been SO AMAZING, i lost count of how many times pple asked me am i r3 and gonna be reg soon. THANK YOU ALL for the trust and vote of confidence in me. thank you all for showing me how AWESOME emergency medicine is. i have done many postings in my lifetime, but ed at the big hosp is the bEST. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND literally. 

going back to CE, my first love, is both nostalgic in many ways, and stressful.
~

“And then I heard a voice say ‘ur gonna be ok’ and I knew that God was right there with me. And just like that, the wind and the waves of my circumstances fell away and peace began. I could finally breathe again. Not because circumstances changed, but God changed me” 

Aug 2019
in this life, i dont really believe in any human, least of all myself
i dont also believe in any knights
i believe in alot of nIGHT shifts and waiting for morning to come
spoiler: with God, THE MORNING ALWAYS COMES.
eventually.
even if you still have 5 unseen blue letters for a specialty you dont even specialize in.
anyway, eventually it comes, and eventually you find something you are vaguely good at

Sep 2019
just back from an awesome conference in the same land of waterfalls/rainbows/game of thrones

alot of pple kinda wondered why i took a bus instead of flying and there are a few reasons, one of which is i kinda wanted to prove to myself that i would take the right bus this time... for some reason, it meant alot to me. SPOILER ALERT. I TOOK THE RIGHT BUS. i DID NOT END UP IN BOSNIA. that being said, taking the scenic route was not bad. the sunrise in bosnia is really pretty ok. 

#bosniasunrise #scenicroute

Oct 2019
eurosimcup filled prague trip with side trips to castles and bookshops, was a lovely break from the daily grind.

And so it transpires
That at 30
- People still ask me if im a medical student
- the con however tells the kid "ok aunty will prepare ur prescription for u"
- it feels extremely freeing to know that the big boss up there has it all sorted out for us (eventually)

#turning30 #pragueissopretty

Nov 2019

HD has been very very educational as our boss is very keen on teaching but also very tiring!
1st week of HD was basically me being a calefare but 2nd week esp the last 2 days were so busy and crazy that i had to step up and my past self as peds mo together with my current evolution of emed/icu/foamed loving resident somehow combined well
~

Anyway all these are existential crises so i think we just focus on the here and now and getting thru each day. And learn to be a better emed doc and no harm learning some french for fun... and kettlebell swings and olympic lifts series and muscle ups and handstand walks on Wednesdays after emcc?

#foamedlovingresident #crossfitnewb

DEC 2019
I'm just a little bit afraid of where I'm going
I've lived enough to know
You're my constant in every moment
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant

Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it
I'm moving forward anyway with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That's all I need to know

#newpostingnewyromg
#anchorformysoul 

Saturday, December 7, 2019

constant

OMG. THIS SONG EXPRESSES IT SO WELL
~
I'm just a little bit afraid of where I'm going
And it feels like a hurricane is blowing over
Though I can't find the ground below
I've lived enough to know
I've lived enough to know
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it
I'm moving forward anyway with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
Before I was a thought on earth
You knew me then and You gave me worth
When all of this is said and done
You will be the One I'm standing on
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
My constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant

keeping me guessing

keeping me guessing - franscesca batistelli 
Coffee cup waking me up
I gotta board a plane
And fly away
sometimes it feels like I'm
going at the speed of light
Can't relax I'm movin' to fast
I wanna find the gold
But I don't have a map
I wish that I could know
What you've got in store for me
I try and try to read your mind
But I forget that patience is a virtue
Your teachin' me to hold on tight
And I don't know how the story ends
But I'll be alright cause you own it

I don't know where the highway bends
But I'm doing just fine
Cause your in control
Even when I don't know
Where my life's gonna go
You're keeping my guessing
Slow me down, show me around
I wanna see the world that I've been without
I am here and now the future is out of my hands
I trust in you and how you move
I won't forget that patience is a virtue
You're teaching me to hang on tight
Seasons come and seasons go
But you decide
You're in control
Even when I don't know
Where my life's gonna go

You're keeping me guessing
so long - francesca battistelli
I was wrapped up in my doubt
But all that changed when you came around
So long all that lonely living
That something that was missing isn't missing anymore
So long to the way that wasn't working
And the hurting that was all I knew
It's all gone so long as I have you
Still have the hard times when nothing's going right
Just wanna pull the covers over my head
You gave me a new perspective
When the days get heavy and I feel rejected
There's someone to run to
Since the day that I found you
So long to the mornings without meaning
The nights without sleeping
I'm right where I belong
~
hehe, i'm right where i belong, the nights without sleeping~
~
time in between
But it's the time in between
That brings me to my knees
Knowing you came for me
All that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank You for the time in between
Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again
But it's the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what you'll bring
And the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete
Still I'll sing in the time in between
So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all
It's the reason I believe
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank you for the time in between
Oh, Lord, I thank you for the time in between

Sunday, December 1, 2019

rewrite the stars

~

maybe some of it is jadedness maybe some of it is realism

~

ANYWAY to cut a looooong story short

my current aims for dec 2019 (omg its already december)

a) SETTLE ALL MY RESEARCH IF POSSIBLE
b) revise adult ed stuffs
c) go for at least 2-3 crossfit classes! learn some cool thing like muscle up or handstand walk hahahaha
d) run once
e) cook something
f) french class? once?

stop floating around aimlessly brainlessly netflixing hahaha
altho it is sometimes necessary..
for sanity

~

i also think that i have a small problem with retail therapy
i mean i am not like say VERY VERY shopaholic to the point of sophie kinsella's becky bloomwood in confessions of a shopaholic, but

definitely buying random stuffs makes me v happy LOL

like really random. like art stuffs, french books, online french courses or italki classes

its on one hand i acknowledge its not good to be completely reliant on retail therapy
on the other hand
SANITY

golden weekends

HD has been simultaneously v exciting and also a chance for me to chill on weekends and after 6pm on weekdays hence enabling me to do french class, crossfit etc. and also V EXHAUSTING cos once my head hits the pillow its just zzzz

it has been fun being the token calefare mo and then when needed jumping into action and my dormant peds mo past suddenly reactivating to enable me to do lps and full septic workups and neonatal plugs, plus my ed side coming into play when needed. 

HOWEVER in the middle of hd, sleeping, french, crossfit, i havent done much research or ed studying... so i have like 1 month to remedy it before i go back to adult ed

had a fun french class this morning. explaining "i dont see any big fracture now, but the radiologist will have a look and if there is any small fracture, i will call you tmr" turns out to be just as complicated in french as in english, if not more. 
also realized in french, remove and lift up sounds similar so
"pls elevate ur cast" = elever le platre
can be easily confused for
"pls remove ur cast" = enlever le platre

the teacher is very game to entertain me with my medical french hahahahaha

anyway i have a thousand things to do but i think i will just netflix now and sleep
LOL so exciting

garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...