Sunday, November 24, 2019

crossfit + french = the two loves of my life

oh plus emed. ok loves of my life oUTSIDE of work.

anyway cross posting this from the language forum i post on (ie the place that gives me language polygot wanderlust++++ but at least it prevents me from having physical travelling wanderlust which is VERY EXPENSIVE)

~

update on the past month!had total of 4 french classes so far on Italki!

2 with Tom - https://www.italki.com/teacher/1342497 - best so far, i like how he records his voice immediately then downloads it onto Teachee then I can download that deck into Anki. yesterday he was v strict with the pronounciation but i definitely need it!
He sets very specific goals so for me currently we are working on taking a medical history in French~ it was good fun and so helpful for real life! "we will do some blood tests and it will take one hour..." something i say literally daily x 15 haha.

1 with Lea - https://www.italki.com/teacher/2921308 - great as usual but I feel her lessons while fun, are a touch too difficult for me - she plays a video which i dont -quite- understand but then she goes through it slowly with me with games and is nice about my sputtering french haha

1 with Camille, not bad! with google docs and all (i love italki teachers who use a running google docs!) but it was just a trial lesson, so will have to see how (plus next month i dont have much time..)

Currently my French studying consists of
- anki decks with asssmil - either i record that audio phrase with my voice or use the assimil audio
- and learning french through crossfit! so i'm very into crossfit lately and just joined a crossfit box in my hometown, and am following the crossfit sanctionals which just started
after much poking around i found the youtube home of the crossfit french throwdown https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBI5PLTj60CtotBsr0Gf-GQ which has not only crossfit videos to watch for inspiration, it has some interviews/ links to french crossfitters youtube channels/ the workouts in pDF (with french and english instructions).
it's great inspiration for both crossfit and french!

learning phrases such as: L’athlète démarre devant sa barre chargée sans la toucher (The athlete starts in front of his loaded bar without touching it)
- clearly essential haha

aim for december 2019
- reach assimil 60 finally (plus lesson 10 in active wave) + anki decks + recording my own voice
- 2x italki lessons
- watch and translate 2 french crossfit videos!

its definitely you

the 2nd last of my golden weekends!

admin things suddenly start to creep up...

stats for nov so far
- 4 french online classes on italki!
- 1x bootcamp, 2x fundamentals classes at crossfit urban edge
- 2x gym with nic (WOD by me hahah), 1x spartan class by myself = 3x fitness first this month! - which has been my average for the past year LOL. hopefully 2x more this week then that will be breaking my PB
- cycling x 1

it has been FUN
but time to really do work now, i think...

aims for rest of nov and dec
- finish what research i can
- aim to go fitness first at least 3x/mth
- aim to go crossfit at least 1x/week (average 3x/mth)
- aim to run once!
- run code blue sim for med students
- aim to go church every sunday, make it for cmg christmas thingy
- get ce mini cex!!
- get case notes documentation for ce and HD sorted out...
- get my 3rd m&r dops signed off!!
- get hopefully 2x more sedations? that would make 12/15 then i only have 3 more sedations to settle in next 3 yrs haha
- revise adult stuffs, practice mmed osce with joanne
- study abem
- aim 2x french class per mth (in dec 2019)
- make it to church on christmas
- have a proper christmas dinner or brunch with turkey or roast chicken, cranberry sauce, stuffing, cooked by mE (need to hunt for recipes...)

ok very ambitious LOL
we shall see

Sunday, November 17, 2019

a billion stars

binging grays anatomy makes me feel like in med sch hahah

i loved when mer and alex chilled out talking about waffle sundays lol

made me think about the many many "persons" in my life. ok not many but few special people rather.  like the one person in a crowded room u can walk to and know u can talk random stuff to about anything at all and they will get u instantly. the one person u can wake up post night float to give u a lift (eh although it sounds v dangerous haha). the one person u can spend the whole day chilling with and feel like u are accepted and sixteen again HAHA how have we not changed one bit since we were sixteen! actually there are many people but these three somehow have stayed my friends even though they all knew me from n00btimes. and i really think God sent them my way!

anyway, life has lights and darknesses.. but anyway ive decided that WHATEVER IT IS i will take the high ground, and trust in God. cos maybe a few years ago it might have been me wallowing in angst but nowadays since i started on this road, maybe God's grace is just more evident to me everyday. so some things might be difficult but just bite my lip and be the bigger person, have the bigger heart. yeah there are alot of ways i still am lacking, its just that, i am not wallowing in that anymore for now. actually apart from this one miracle, i am still the same person, i didnt change in any way. i am still v inmature (but jaded, the two are different if u know what i mean? i compartmentalize very well, too well in fact). i still dont have any white knight coming on a horse.  the one difference is that i have more peace in my heart.

and that makes. ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

~

God above it all
In you I will believe
My life is in your hands
What you begin in me
You will complete

You light up the nights
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark

I will walk by faith
and not by sight
This I know
God is faithful

God who holds it all
You know my deepest need
So silence every fear
With perfect peace

When the darkness is great
You are greater
You will never let go
You will remain

Every battle I face
You are stronger
You alone are my hope
You'll make a way

You light up the night
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark
It sorta doesnt even surprise me anymore.

Ignore what the world says or thinks. Just follow the light in the darkness.

If God is for us, who can be against us?




Saturday, November 16, 2019

Hd wk 2

Has been very very educational as our boss is very keen on teaching but also very tiring!
1st week of HD was basically me being a calefare but 2nd week esp the last 2 days were so busy and crazy that i had to step up and my past self as peds mo together with my current evolution of emed/icu/foamed loving resident somehow combined well. Except i had to call the reg like 2x after rounds and left 1 hr late for our tgif party but ok at least we can sleep at night knowing we did the right thing!! Thats what i told my ho at least. And doing stuff and knowing the pts well enough to save the ho during our harried pm rounds feels so much nicer than my useless feeling during 1st week.

2 more weeks to go!!

I have also managed to enjoy muchly on the weekends and friday
Hanging out with friends, trying new gym classes, 2 italki french classes, cycling.

To the point i havent done much research for ages omg.
Need to get back into the groove!!

Just spent whole of today vertical on the bed feeling like a truck ran over me or i ran a marathon yesterday, or both together.

Had a french class today and the teacher earnestly asked me - so when will u be going to africa with msf? I know he needs to practically know so he can prepare the lessons lol but i got abit stunned HAHA. Like uh... yes... i do want to go but im not 100% sure if i can? It would be great but i at least need to exit first so 3.5 years more. And then no idea if God wants me to have kids and stay in sg...

Anyway all these are existential crises so i think we just focus on the here and now and getting thru each day. And learn to be a better emed doc and no harm learning some french for fun... and kettlebell swings and olympic lifts series and muscle ups and handstand walks on wednedays after emcc?

And everything else will, hopefully fall into place

Sunday, November 10, 2019

just hold on - citizen way

I'm tired so tired
But I'm still so far

So here I am I'm giving up
My will my plans
I choose to trust that
Everything You say You do You do
And every little Word You speak is true

And You say You say
Hold on hold on
I am right beside you
Don't you let go don't let go

I will never leave you
You never have to be afraid
I will be with you always
Stand tall stand tall
What could stand against you

I'll fight the fight here on my knees
I believe that
Everything You say You do You do
Every little word You speak is true


And You say You say
I'll hold on to Your promises
Though I don't know what lies ahead
You show Your faithfulness
Again and again and again

space to speak

Dear God, it's very difficult, becos i'm very jaded
and after so many times, it's nearly impossible for me to believe
or maybe i still believe too easily?
in humans
i dont know should i believe or not

but what i do know: that when we try our best to pray wisely and entrust you with these things small and big, no matter how it goes, you will always make sure that it turns out well
you will find some way to make it work out
maybe not right away, in Your time

how many times have you been faithful
and how many times have you carried me
you carry me still no matter
how many times

human love is difficult
but you are always there

with your help, may it work out, finally (??)

~
here we are, on top of the stars...
never thought we'd ever get this far
we come alive in moments like this

~
Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
~
[Verse 1]
I think it's safe to say my life is too crowded
My heart buried under everything I've got to do
I need You
To clear away all the cranes from my skyline
Voices telling me I've gotta work my way to You
That's not true, oh

[Chorus]
I'm giving You space to speak
I'm giving You space to speak, oh, my God
It's just You and me
A little more room to breathe
A little more room to breathe, oh, my Lord
That's all I need

[Verse 2]
But as I wait, it feels like wasting
Precious time, like perfume poured on the floor
Forgive me, Lord, ohh

Speak, oh, speak to me now
Tenderly, quietly, it doesn't even need to be loud
Speak, oh, speak to me now
I know You're all around me, I just want to feel you here somehow


You're what I need
All I need
You're what I need
All that I need
~

[Verse 1]
Where can I go with all of my sadness?
Where can I hide away from the madness?
I run from You, but You remain true time after time
You've never failed to show me Your kindness

[Chorus]
Everything that I adore, everything I'm looking for
It's always, it's always been You
Everything I ever love leads me back to You, because
It's always, it's always been You
It's always been You

[Verse 2]
And still I look to Your creation
And I forget to see Your reflection
That the people I love and all I dream of are gifts from You
Lord, You should have all of my affection

And by Your hands and from Your heart
For Your glory from the start
This was always all for You
In love You called, You spoke my name
To know Your voice, to touch Your face
I was always made for You
So nothing else will do

[Outro]
It's always been You, yeah
It's always been You

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Reflections

Its a weekend!! I dont have to round im not on shift and im on my way to gym!!

And so it transpires
That at 30
- People still ask me if im a medical student
- the con however tells the kid "ok aunty will prepare ur prescription for u"
- it feels extremely freeing to know that the big boss up there has it all sorted out for us (eventually)

Things like
- enough money for a taxi ride home for a disillusioned jaded rudderless hopedrained sleepy overworked mo
- sudden gifts on aforementioned taxi ride, without the "i told u so!!!" But rather countless miracles
- free share-rella on the walk home, altho got scolded by a random guy in a car "hey! The umbrella is for sharing!! Not for bringing home!!"
Me "dude it is gonna rain anytime now i return it tmr lor"
Srsly. Felt like facepalming.
And anyway it didnt rain after all hahaha
- lift back to my car stranded in the work carpark, and making new friends!!

I remember pccf very clearly.. and i think it was God's way of ensuring my sanity in a crazy whirlwind time.
And i remember sunday school with all my hangups and feeling lonely and general teenage angst.
And yesterday after managing to make it to some ulu place for fellowship, prob one of my first actual catholic fellowships, felt quite amazing.

I wanted to go back to that 19yo trying to find God in the middle of that wintry storm but ended up getting distracted by all manner of teenage angst and issues, and tell her that, this hurt is going to end one day. That what seems before your eyes now, the kindergarden quarrels, the neverending winters, will one day be replaced by God's grace. And part of this is necessary but painful but you will make a really good choice first, a choice you dont want to make and you will blame others for making u make this choice at first, but later on u will realize - when u make this choice for love, when you endure a few seasons of loneliness, of being forgotten, of being replaced, of uncertainty, of being left behind in the waves of the big ships, others will forget you but God will be with you through it and give you something much much better.

garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...