Thursday, September 12, 2019

a million ways

spent it as such
a) sleeping in (ok this is normal i do this on a working day too hehe)
b) gym!! interval training
c) retail therapy++ at orchard
d) research at academia

then later need to do loads of admin/ claiming stuff/logging things... later haha
and packing luggage

well better than some offdays which are admittedly spent netflixing hehehe
which is good too, there are different ways of decompressing for different days

"Becoming" - jason gray

I am miles from where I was
It's so far from where I wanna be
With each step I learn to trust
The maker is still making me

Life is a house full of rooms
Each door opens to another door
I can't walk into something new
Till I leave behind where I was before

Sorry for the days that I let you down
Thank you for the way that you stuck around
Giving me the grace to figure it out
While I was still learning to be found

'Cause I, I'm becoming
I, I'm becoming

It's progress, not perfection
Not arrival, it's direction
It's the living and the learning
Not the finish line but the journey

sanctus real - a million ways
Looking at my life from where I stand
Every joy and tear, I see Your hand
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done
There's a million ways You've been good to me
So many broken pieces mercy has redeemed
You never let me down, never left my side
I look back and find You've been faithful all my days
In a million ways
You have healed my heart from the deepest hurts
You have shown me grace more than I deserve
I won't forget how You've come through
I won't forget You always do
God I am Yours, You rescued me
What kind of love, how can it be
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

i will never forget/ the moment you called my name/ pulled me out of the darkness

I will never forget
The moment I met you
The moment you called my name
Pulled me out of the darkness
Gave me a promise
To never thirst again
All that I ever wanted
My heart has found in you
there is alot i could say, but probably shouldn't. 
what i can say - God is always saving us from something, even when it doesnt seem like it. with time, you will be able to see His plan. it will work out. somehow, someday. better than ever expected!
aims for this week
1) survive week
2) believe in God
3) finish presentation 
4) stay sane
anyway! YKNOW what, i have survived the coldest winters, the most glaciers of friendships, teenage angst, teenage heartbreak. i have survived so many years of uncertainty in this very same basement. of people doubting me, of me doubting myself, eating chocolate bars at midnight becos i dont have the energy to take a taxi home. i have survived multiple back to back eye calls trawling the hospital like a zombie with my slit lamp. the funny thing is after it all, i feel more comfortable seeing the triage complaint RED EYE than say a neonate with vague complaints. at least i know what to do right away for the red eye, while for the neonate i know i would definitely get a senior to clear. FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS isnt it. 
so yeah, a couple of angsty people, the NEVERENDING DARKNESS. WHO CARES. my God is always with me and in that i trust. LIGHT WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME THE DARKNESS. i will continue to fight the good fight, i will continue to trust in his mercy. 
sometimes, we can depend on our support system to angst it out. sometimes, for various reasons, we can't. but YKNOW WHAT. it is ok. i have evolveD. i dont really need long msn conversations to feel human again
i just blast some spotify on a cool day on my way driving to work
as i reach the junction i blast my fav song CONFIDENCE by sanctus real
Lord be my defense/ so i can face my giants with confidence
God pulled me out of the darkness, so hopefully i can bring light to others as well. not to be a raincloud and angst away. SO with God behind me, i will keep on trying to be a better doctor. even though i am SO OLD ALR and tbh i think i am actually not bad now like SO MANY YRS post grad. but there is ALWAYS sth to be improved. i shall figure out what that is. and iMPROVE IT. 
there must be a reason why God pulled me out of that dark pit so many years ago
why he sent people to find me with the light. why he gave me so many second chances over and over again
why he directed me to emed so not-very-subtly, even though he knew it was 10000% better than what i had originally wanted. 
oK God. i got the message. emed is the best and i won't look back. the past is the past and EVERY SINGLE DAY what i am reminded of is THANK YOU GOD for changing my life course for the better. 
please help me to be a good doctor wherever i am or whatever part of medicine i am workin in!
Christ before me 
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In his mercy
Never ending
I remind myself

Sunday, September 8, 2019

nobody nobody but you

Why You ever chose me Has always been a mystery All my life I’ve been told I belong at the end of the line With all the other Not-Quites With all the Never-Get-It-Rights But it turns out we’re the ones You’ve been looking for all this time ‘Cause I’m just a nobody Trying to tell everybody All about Somebody who saved my soul Ever since You rescued me You gave my heart a song to sing I’m living for the world to see Nobody but Jesus Moses had stage fright And David brought a rock to a sword fight You picked 12 outsiders nobody would’ve chosen And You changed the world Well, the moral of the story is Everybody’s got a purpose

Monday, September 2, 2019

is a little fuzzy cause

prenight musings doing research as usual
sleepier than usual due to a SUPER EARLY start today

lady antebellum never dissappoints!

lady antebellum - think about you

You swore we'd make it home
It's a little fuzzy 'cause
I was caught up in your eyes

It's hard not to fall apart
With a midnight broken heart
So I cried
But that was the last time

The place where I first saw your face
And you bought me a drink
And when we talked 'til 2 AM
About every single dream

Cause I don't think about you and me
What we used to be
Every memory anymore
Forgot about what we went through
'Cause I'm bulletproof
Oh, I bet you think I do
No, I don't think about you, you
lady antebellum - hurt
If my memory gets the best of me
Then I'll always find an excuse
Yeah, I'll make believe, re-write history
Ignite a spark I can't undo
It always starts out simple like a conversation
Before I know it, I'm lost in your illumination
If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I'll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I'd wait for you a thousand years

If you light the fuse you know that I'll react
If you wrap us in your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that
You're a carnival on a summer night
Gone too soon every time
Yeah, it's beautiful how you burn so bright
In the waste land you leave behind
If you call me up at three AM
I'll run to the rescue time and time and time again


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...