Wednesday, August 21, 2019

the next thing/ middle of a miracle

day off 1 was spent literally vertical, as if i had run a marathon the day before - spoiler, i didnt haha
day off 2 was completely opposite!
- am meetings to plan fun stuff
- afternoon research - finally sent emails i have been procrastinating for yrs, and started on other stuff ive been procrastinating for months haha
- pm - tried out a new gym!
~
One Step Away What if you could go back and relive One day of your life all over again And unmake, the mistake That left you a million miles away From the you, you once knew Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying That you’ll never get back on track But what if I told you You’re one step away from surrender One step away from coming home, coming home One step from arms wide open His love has never let you go You’re not alone You’re one step away It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone Mercy says you don’t have to keep running down the road you’re on Love’s never met a lost cause Your shame, lay it down Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause You know that you can’t go back But you can turn around You’ve never been more than Lay down, lay down your old chains Come now and take up your new name Your best life up ahead now You’re one step away

~

what changes the day from good to bad?
i think the only difference is my perception of the day. which boils down to - the hope and faith that only comes from God.

like one day feeling so unaccomplished and procrastinatory and unloved but suddenly i managed to get enough enthusiasm and overcome the activation energy to drive myself to work
along the way i heck cared about my phone bill mobile usage for wifi and just blasted my favourite songs on spotify

just as i reached the junction one of my fav songs confidence by sanctus real came on

im not a warrior
im too afraid to lose
im feeling unqualified for what you're calling me to do
but Lord with your strength
ive got no excuse
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense So I can face my giants with confidence I’ll face my giants with confidence

~

gave me alot of confidence to face that upcoming shift. and heck care the 101 things i havent done yet
~

so my answers are - i dont know what lies ahead
there are so many scary exams, formal and informal
there are so many wrong things ive said and unsaid

but with God's help, i'll face my giants with confidence
God will be my defense
~

in this life, i dont really believe in any human, least of all myself
i dont also believe in any knights
i believe in alot of nIGHT shifts and waiting for morning to come
spoiler: with God, THE MORNING ALWAYS COMES.
eventually.
even if you still have 5 unseen blue letters for a specialty you dont even specialize in.
anyway, eventually it comes, and eventually you find something you are vaguely good at

and for what you are not good at, YOU STUDY VERY HARD til u are good at it
and spend alotalot of time at ultrasound courses uNTIL you can do it with your eyes closed. (Ok actually i think its abit hard to do ultrasoud with one's eyes closed. haha)

~

anyway also, sometimes i find myself scrolling and scrolling thru twitter etc... looking for the meaning of life but not finding it. DUH

maybe i should spend that time RUNNING 24KM. so that i dont have to sit here philosophizing shld i change gym or not.

nah, R was right, all those yrs ago. sometimes, we just need another human to talk to. to talk it out. whatever it is. something i realized intermittently through the yrs is that although i have been lucky to meet many such people who have entertained me through such random times when i just want to talk, doesnt have to be something good or bad or specific. sometimes it's VERY NON SPECIFIC vague stuff. philosophizing. yknow? HUMAN CONTACT. sometimes we just cant depend on another human. the amt of philosophizing/angst that a human can contain... sometimes i feel its not very fair to just regurgitate all that onto another human who likely has their own fair share of angst/ things to do. sometimes i cannot find someone for all this philosophizing also - this is likely due to the unarguable reality that in previous life cycles, i was a VERY lousy friend. now i am less likely to pangseh people. BUT STILL IT HAPPENS. sometimes circumstances outside of my control. sometimes maybe IT'S FOR THE BETTER. it is probably for the better.

anyway, to those fellow humans who had to endure me for those years, thank you for the sanity-restoring listening. hope you all get some brownie points, be they literal or metaphorical. i sadly still DO philosophize, just spread out a little and extremely diluted down and hidden behind various things. but not as little as i would like. i would like to just lock up all this philosophical existential angst in a bottle and just be a machine who studies for ABEM and churns out papers like a shakepearean monkey who learns the typewriter. unfortunately i am not. i am like a mercurial poet the kind the editor needs to chase for deadlines nonstop (except my kind bosses do not. and i am not an exacting editor at all). and hence like douglas adams says - i love the sound deadlines make as they go whooshing by


~

anyway, think i should go swimming at the mapletree gym. since a) i dont know when i am going to quit this gym (probably never, since i love it too much) and b) i once got fooled by c that it is MAPLETREE BAY SANDSs and went to MARINA BAY FINANCIAL CENTER
~

ok sorry its 3am and i havent finished journal club hw
and i have been procrastinating abt many things for years to months and they are all suddenly due soon.

and i keep randomly bein reminded by my own brain of things i have said and done. which made sense AT THE TIME.

but if i keep blasting the music and keep driving this car in a straight line, eventually God is going to come true. that's what i learnt, this past 30 years. it comes full circle and i'll drive past serene center at 3am blasting in my car "STEADY HANDS JUST TAKE THE WHEEL"

The Very Next Thing I spend all my time, dreaming what the future’s gonna bring When all of this time, there’s a world passing by right in front of me Set my sights on tomorrow, while I’m tripping over today Who says big things, are somewhere off in the distance I don’t want to look back, just to see all the times that I missed it I want to be here and now, starting right here, right now With the very next words of love to be spoken To the very next heart that’s shattered and broken To the very next way You’re gonna use me To show me the next thing I’ll do the next thing Let my very next breath, breathe out a song of praise to You With my very next step, be on a road that was planned by You Lord, wherever You’re leading me That’s where I want to be Eyes wide open, I see You working All around me, You’re on the move Step by step, I’m running to meet You In the next thing, in the next thing
~

God has planned this road so we just need to trust in him.

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