day off 1 was spent literally vertical, as if i had run a marathon the day before - spoiler, i didnt haha
day off 2 was completely opposite!
- am meetings to plan fun stuff
- afternoon research - finally sent emails i have been procrastinating for yrs, and started on other stuff ive been procrastinating for months haha
- pm - tried out a new gym!
One Step Away
What if you could go back and relive
One day of your life all over again
And unmake, the mistake
That left you a million miles away
From the you, you once knew
Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying
That you’ll never get back on track
But what if I told you
You’re one step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You’re not alone
You’re one step away
It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone
Mercy says you don’t have to keep running down the road you’re on
Love’s never met a lost cause
Your shame, lay it down
Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause
You know that you can’t go back
But you can turn around
You’ve never been more than
Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You’re one step away
what changes the day from good to bad?
i think the only difference is my perception of the day. which boils down to - the hope and faith that only comes from God.
like one day feeling so unaccomplished and procrastinatory and unloved but suddenly i managed to get enough enthusiasm and overcome the activation energy to drive myself to work
along the way i heck cared about my phone bill mobile usage for wifi and just blasted my favourite songs on spotify
just as i reached the junction one of my fav songs confidence by sanctus real came on
im not a warrior
im too afraid to lose
im feeling unqualified for what you're calling me to do
but Lord with your strength
ive got no excuse
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
I’ll face my giants with confidence
gave me alot of confidence to face that upcoming shift. and heck care the 101 things i havent done yet
so my answers are - i dont know what lies ahead
there are so many scary exams, formal and informal
there are so many wrong things ive said and unsaid
but with God's help, i'll face my giants with confidence
God will be my defense
in this life, i dont really believe in any human, least of all myself
i dont also believe in any knights
i believe in alot of nIGHT shifts and waiting for morning to come
spoiler: with God, THE MORNING ALWAYS COMES.
even if you still have 5 unseen blue letters for a specialty you dont even specialize in.
anyway, eventually it comes, and eventually you find something you are vaguely good at
and for what you are not good at, YOU STUDY VERY HARD til u are good at it
and spend alotalot of time at ultrasound courses uNTIL you can do it with your eyes closed. (Ok actually i think its abit hard to do ultrasoud with one's eyes closed. haha)
anyway also, sometimes i find myself scrolling and scrolling thru twitter etc... looking for the meaning of life but not finding it. DUH
maybe i should spend that time RUNNING 24KM. so that i dont have to sit here philosophizing shld i change gym or not.
nah, R was right, all those yrs ago. sometimes, we just need another human to talk to. to talk it out. whatever it is. something i realized intermittently through the yrs is that although i have been lucky to meet many such people who have entertained me through such random times when i just want to talk, doesnt have to be something good or bad or specific. sometimes it's VERY NON SPECIFIC vague stuff. philosophizing. yknow? HUMAN CONTACT. sometimes we just cant depend on another human. the amt of philosophizing/angst that a human can contain... sometimes i feel its not very fair to just regurgitate all that onto another human who likely has their own fair share of angst/ things to do. sometimes i cannot find someone for all this philosophizing also - this is likely due to the unarguable reality that in previous life cycles, i was a VERY lousy friend. now i am less likely to pangseh people. BUT STILL IT HAPPENS. sometimes circumstances outside of my control. sometimes maybe IT'S FOR THE BETTER. it is probably for the better.
anyway, to those fellow humans who had to endure me for those years, thank you for the sanity-restoring listening. hope you all get some brownie points, be they literal or metaphorical. i sadly still DO philosophize, just spread out a little and extremely diluted down and hidden behind various things. but not as little as i would like. i would like to just lock up all this philosophical existential angst in a bottle and just be a machine who studies for ABEM and churns out papers like a shakepearean monkey who learns the typewriter. unfortunately i am not. i am like a mercurial poet the kind the editor needs to chase for deadlines nonstop (except my kind bosses do not. and i am not an exacting editor at all). and hence like douglas adams says - i love the sound deadlines make as they go whooshing by
anyway, think i should go swimming at the mapletree gym. since a) i dont know when i am going to quit this gym (probably never, since i love it too much) and b) i once got fooled by c that it is MAPLETREE BAY SANDSs and went to MARINA BAY FINANCIAL CENTER
ok sorry its 3am and i havent finished journal club hw
and i have been procrastinating abt many things for years to months and they are all suddenly due soon.
and i keep randomly bein reminded by my own brain of things i have said and done. which made sense AT THE TIME.
but if i keep blasting the music and keep driving this car in a straight line, eventually God is going to come true. that's what i learnt, this past 30 years. it comes full circle and i'll drive past serene center at 3am blasting in my car "STEADY HANDS JUST TAKE THE WHEEL"
The Very Next Thing
I spend all my time, dreaming what the future’s gonna bring
When all of this time, there’s a world passing by right in front of me
Set my sights on tomorrow, while I’m tripping over today
Who says big things, are somewhere off in the distance
I don’t want to look back, just to see all the times that I missed it
I want to be here and now, starting right here, right now
With the very next words of love to be spoken
To the very next heart that’s shattered and broken
To the very next way You’re gonna use me
To show me the next thing
I’ll do the next thing
Let my very next breath, breathe out a song of praise to You
With my very next step, be on a road that was planned by You
Lord, wherever You’re leading me
That’s where I want to be
Eyes wide open, I see You working
All around me, You’re on the move
Step by step, I’m running to meet You
In the next thing, in the next thing
God has planned this road so we just need to trust in him.
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