Monday, July 8, 2019

never been a greater love

i seem to spend a large chunk of my life sitting in starbucks with a macbook, seems so hippie but its a NECESSITY

not to mention listening to spotify songs haha. so boppy

today i watched 
- jaundice video
- cardiac babies video
- currently on upper limb injuries video

finally on week 2 videos!!

there is alot of imposter syndrome going on. i'll be the first to admit, i can't remember all the peds things i knew 2 years ago when i was studying for MRCPCH!!! sorry guys. i really have transformed completely into an adult ed doctor in this two years. 

and also i still have alot of things from adult em to improve on (no time...). 

sometimes it seems overwhelming BUT

"i've been here over and over again
here on my knees
im only closer and closer to where i wanna be
when u take over take over
can u take over me"
- take over, aaron shust 

anyway i am having palpitations so maybe i shld do lONG LEAD ECG and try paracet and recheck temp and hr in 1 hr's time? hahaha
nah, only watching these videos is gonna 

the thing is i kNOW i can get back to my previous form. i know it! i just need to watch these videos. like a magical door. i may not be extremely brilliant nor very good at procedures sadly hOWEVER, time has shown me that if i put in the effort, i actually am capable of reaching a min-mod level of productivity and capability. 

and also i have alot of occasional ocd and responsibility that makes me stay back later than i should and people think i am inefficient (while i am not efficient, i am also toooooo determined to settle things for my pts. and also kaypoh to help out with resus sometimess. but i love resus so much)

BUT. all this shall pass. i shall become a good ed doctor, and i will regain my full ce powers with much mugging (if i ever find my MRCPCH books?! i think i either threw them all away or donated them or burnt them after i last left peds. oh dear). 

anyway i shall somehow with alot of God's help, reach the lvl i was on my last day of ce mopex two years ago.  i shall believe in this!! i dont need to be at lvl of peds resident. i dont need to surpass my fellow previous mos turn reg, or ho turn peds reg. i will happily consult them (sometimes extremely happily so that i dun have to spend sleepless night wondering if i shld have asked snr abt that case.). i just need to reach that nirvana of being as good as my last day of ce mopex many years ago. 

i dont need a knight in shining armour, i don't need all the frills and excitement. i just wanna be a good doctor here where i am. the place where i first fell in love with ED, i just want to be able to account to my previous self, and to all the bosses that for some reason, still trust me. me two years ago clearly did a better job than it felt like at the moment hAHA

"you never stopped loving never stopped loving me
when i was so afraid you would embrace me
when i had gone astray/ how you would chase me" 

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