Saturday, July 27, 2019

Coffeelove

:):) preshift pickmeups
#story of my life
#you and i will make it through make it through

Saturday, July 20, 2019

i run to you

the afters - i run to you
When the road has left me empty
When I'm broken, tired, down and out
When the darkness feels too heavy
Where will i go?
You welcome me back home
You tell me I belong
You forgive all my wrongs
I run to you
No matter where I've gone
You've waited all along
You open up your arms
You were there, you always loved
Gave me everything I could ever want
But I thought that I knew better
But I didn't know

i will fear no more

Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
~
thankful for the friends and compartriots going thru all these postings with me
hahahah today when p, a and i all ran to see the same patient. ed instincts!!
you're my courage when i worry in the dead of night, u are my strength cause im not strong enough to win this fight

breaking point

not sure what i can or should say, but this song says it all!

the dawn will break the darkness's grip on me
maybe one day, i will not be forever living on this breaking point
not living in this fear

haha, i wish.

~
I know the dawn can never know the dark
Except to break its grip on me
Silence doesn't know a song
Until I choose not to sing
Love can never learn to hate
Hope will not accept its fate
I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
And it's here on the edges
Between Your heart and mine
I am just a man, and You are the divine
But I hear Your voice calling, You call me from the dark
To have my heart, so here's my heart
I am guilty but I see grace
Where love came down to set me free
And if I just accept this change
That there is more than what I see
Courage doesn't hesitate
Faith will not capitulate
But I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
~
and its here on the edges 
between your heart and mine...
~
You may find me in the midnight
Fallen down upon my knees
Or riding out another storm
Praying for some peace
Even when I feel alone
Jesus, this I know
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who calms the raging sea
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who's holding onto me
You may lead me to the desert
Where I'm empty and afraid
Wandering this nothingness
Thirsting for the rain
I will not give into fear
Cause Lord, I know You're here

Sunday, July 14, 2019

reflections of first half of 2019


always enjoy looking back on how the year has been haha. and also this midpoint reflection thingy. common themes: EXHAUSTION. EXTREME MEDICINE. POKEMON. GOD IS GOOD. running. (funny. cos i havent run much this yr actually..)

Jan 2019 

on the FIRST day of new year, and the anes reg says "its ok la. HAVE FAITH". it has taken me 29 years and nearly pgy5 before i finally got it. HAVE FAITH. 

~
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing

Feb 2019
AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! amazed and in awe of God's timing. hopefully i can somehow level up and become a pokemon master somedaY. with God's help.

Mar 2019

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. 

April 2019

its always comforting to sit next to that fish and loves mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.
~
every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will

May 2019
have been running and running nonstop for awhile now
only with God's grace
and what keeps running through my mind is that THANK YOU GOD FOR LEADING ME TO EMED.

June 2019

your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other

~
Yea I could try so hard
To give it everything I've got
But I'm not ever gonna measure up
All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
I'm glad You never walked away

three in the morning/and im still awake

be strong in the lord and/
never give up hope/
you're gonna do great things/
i already know/
God's got his hand on you so/
dont live your life in fear/
forgive and forget but/
dont forget why you're here
~

in the middle of a room full of crying babies and nine cases and stress trying to take bp from a kicking child, i looked up to see one of my fav nurses with a picture of mother mary carrying a cute baby Jesus on her access card (lol i love how she proudly displays it so openly).

in the middle of a new but old posting i should be SO MUCH BETTER AT, but am sadly not, in the middle of URTI induced myalgia and generalized malaise, in the middle of juggling a million things to do that i dont think i am juggling very well tbh... feeling very post night cos i leave work so late everyday... BUT VERY GRATEFUL to do it with my homies. srsly. post shift supper was SO SHAG but SO worth it hehe

to get the vote of confidence from ____ totally made my day!!. no need actual votes. just these votes of confidence is enough for me
~
i dont deserve to be covered by your grace/
so with every breath the least i can say/
i will run and not grow weary/
i cant sing loud enough/
i could nv earn your love
im just a glimpse of the hope u see in me
for what its worth
i will lift my voice and sing
...
for what it's worth
~
for what it's worth, i will keep on trying
it's sometimes not easy BUT he has sent alot of people to help along the way
~

i will keep on trying to be a good doctor. to somehow get back to MRCPCH lvl. how ah. i cannot rmb anymore in SLE whether c3 and c4 will be high or low?! does it matter? not really, but alot of neonates nutritional info and all matters...
wish i could re-download all the things i knew last time into my brain

also need to keep my adult em knowledge current....
~
you will never leave me/
you will always be the one who calms the raging seas..

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

get your hopes up

I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In his mercy
Never ending
I remind myself
get your hopes up - josh baldwin
~
so here i sit at 1am, taking a break from ce videos with my beloved EMRAP. just renewed my subscription. one of the happiest things ever
i've been floundering in stress for the past few days, knowing there are holes in my knowledge where once i knew these things... they just werent very impt to my life the past two years. BUT NOW THEY ARE
~
oh well. i thought i was a good r1 but guess i can be better still sigh. yay maybe i can get some most improved award next yr haha. sigh. think this yr i need to re-evaluate my priorities, focus on studying alot. wrap up all my old projects and submit all my papers. and then mUG LIKE CRAZY. ok i think to improve in 1 yr is very hard. but i can aim to be a very good r3! hahaha. 
two year plan for the win! 
~
anyway so i watched 5 ce vids in total today sitting in starbucks w my trusty macbook. ON A ROLL! i also did not go to the gym. so i also feel like a pudgy roll. BUT ITS OK. a rolling stone gathers no moss. anyway i feel very educated on elbow injuries now coz i also watched an entire podcast on EM cases abt peds elbow injuries. the key point was DONT RUSH AND SLOW DOWN. not sure that is gonna fly with the fast paced dept "i watched a podcast and they said to not rush and slow down when looking at elbow injuries in kids!!" haha. but actually at this moment i just want to see more peds trauma 9 cases lehhhhh. elbow also can. 
anyway, this is just to say that, knowing myself very well, if i was given a choice i could just actually sit there playing comp games and chilling all day. BUT. i could also choose the life of excitement and of filling my brain with ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE so i dont get steamrolled every single shift. of learning stuff on the off chance one day i really take that plane ride to a war-torn country and actually put these skills to use like my past self used to dream of, sitting there in a cosy little ed in ah. 
~
You say I'm forgiven
Being restored
But it's hard to feel it
Here in this storm
Torn between who I've been and who I want to be
Jesus, I need you
Need You to be
Hope in the darkness searching for me
Out of this doubt
Lord, help me to believe






Monday, July 8, 2019

never been a greater love

i seem to spend a large chunk of my life sitting in starbucks with a macbook, seems so hippie but its a NECESSITY

not to mention listening to spotify songs haha. so boppy

today i watched 
- jaundice video
- cardiac babies video
- currently on upper limb injuries video

finally on week 2 videos!!

there is alot of imposter syndrome going on. i'll be the first to admit, i can't remember all the peds things i knew 2 years ago when i was studying for MRCPCH!!! sorry guys. i really have transformed completely into an adult ed doctor in this two years. 

and also i still have alot of things from adult em to improve on (no time...). 

sometimes it seems overwhelming BUT

"i've been here over and over again
here on my knees
im only closer and closer to where i wanna be
when u take over take over
can u take over me"
- take over, aaron shust 

anyway i am having palpitations so maybe i shld do lONG LEAD ECG and try paracet and recheck temp and hr in 1 hr's time? hahaha
nah, only watching these videos is gonna 

the thing is i kNOW i can get back to my previous form. i know it! i just need to watch these videos. like a magical door. i may not be extremely brilliant nor very good at procedures sadly hOWEVER, time has shown me that if i put in the effort, i actually am capable of reaching a min-mod level of productivity and capability. 

and also i have alot of occasional ocd and responsibility that makes me stay back later than i should and people think i am inefficient (while i am not efficient, i am also toooooo determined to settle things for my pts. and also kaypoh to help out with resus sometimess. but i love resus so much)

BUT. all this shall pass. i shall become a good ed doctor, and i will regain my full ce powers with much mugging (if i ever find my MRCPCH books?! i think i either threw them all away or donated them or burnt them after i last left peds. oh dear). 

anyway i shall somehow with alot of God's help, reach the lvl i was on my last day of ce mopex two years ago.  i shall believe in this!! i dont need to be at lvl of peds resident. i dont need to surpass my fellow previous mos turn reg, or ho turn peds reg. i will happily consult them (sometimes extremely happily so that i dun have to spend sleepless night wondering if i shld have asked snr abt that case.). i just need to reach that nirvana of being as good as my last day of ce mopex many years ago. 

i dont need a knight in shining armour, i don't need all the frills and excitement. i just wanna be a good doctor here where i am. the place where i first fell in love with ED, i just want to be able to account to my previous self, and to all the bosses that for some reason, still trust me. me two years ago clearly did a better job than it felt like at the moment hAHA

"you never stopped loving never stopped loving me
when i was so afraid you would embrace me
when i had gone astray/ how you would chase me" 

Thursday, July 4, 2019

survival

a quick reflection of the whirlwind past 2days
turning r2, going back to ce, has been very significant (albeit stressful) for me

i am SO glad to do it with 3 of my em buddies!! one of the best things abt this residency thingy is that we rotate together most of the time haha so there so far has always been buddies around despite occasional nOOBness

feeling very nostalgic in many ways - ed at the mothershiphosp has been SO AMAZING, i lost count of how many times pple asked me am i r3 and gonna be reg soon. THANK YOU ALL for the trust and vote of confidence in me (actually its becos i am very old, not cos i am very good or deserving of it). thank you all for showing me how AWESOME emergency medicine is. i have done many postings in my lifetime, but ed at the big hosp is the bEST. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND literally. everything i learnt abt em, i learnt from you guys and the amazing skh pple from my first baby emed mo posting. i am very grateful to the kind bosses who have been teaching us all these years. 

going back to CE, my first love, is both nostalgic in many ways, and stressful. i am not sure if my own expectations are higher or others have higher expectations, but suffice it to say, i am nOT up to my own expectations. there are things of life i learnt in ce and things i learnt in emed and what CE taught me is that if i put my mind to it, i can definitely buck up and improve. i dont have super high expectations but i expect myself to at least reach the lvl i was at before i left ce the last mopex posting lOL. timeline, uhhhh one week? 

"you and i, we can make it through make it through..."

Through the fire