Tuesday, April 23, 2019

up all night

random boppy song
i wish i could write something which is not just "i am so tired and exhausted" lol. but oh well
i wish a lot of things but sometimes its easier to just SUCK IT UP. we fight our battles in other ways, in other times. the world rolls on
and me ? im just chilling here with a basket of loaves + fish and trusting 
im just running along day or night with my zombie run app, feeling like a zombie most of the time. on an eternal chase as runner 5. 
was all chillin thinkin its my day off today then i checked my phone and its actually oFF STANDBY ONE. so hopefully i get no calls today coz i have a mountain of research and medical reports i owe pple... and homework... and i need to gyM
~
up all night - n flying
It’s already 4am
I was looking at my watch
I tried using the strength of alcohol
But it’s just one moment
I tried making some coffee
But I don’t know, I don’t know
It’s no use
Oh oh
I can’t sleep at the thought of you who left
Oh I still can’t erase you
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
I can only think of you
Sheep are jumping around in my head
I’m up all night, counting your stars
It’s beautiful, my thoughts are as big as the universe
But I’m looking for your star without any sleep
E, ay, if it’s not me, Ba, Baby, no one is right for you
So look at me, every day
Do you know how I feel
It’s useless to try to forget you
Once again, I’m counting sheep
Oh oh No more
I wish it would at least rain
Oh No more
So I can wash you all away
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
All the times spent looking for you
I was so foolish
There’s no meaning anymore
I’m gonna end it all
You keep me up all night
No more nights of calling out to you alone
You keep me up all night
This is the last moment I spend, letting you go tonight
Found the conclusion tonight
Erasing everything

Monday, April 22, 2019

coffee dreams

happy easter everyone!

life has been uh EVENTFUL lately and i have worked 1.5mths with no break largely due to alot of projects, m and m, homework etc, events. so VERY TIRED AND EXHAUSTED but, today sitting outside church at my favourite spot on easter sunday, post night, i was able to take a break from the relentless tide of life. leaning next to the 5 loaves and 2 fishes mural, always gives me hope

i remember years ago when i was mopexing around and i told one of my juniors that i wasnt afraid becos God has a plan hopefully like the story of 5 loves and 2 fishes, He would provide for me somehow. but truth be told, i was VERY AFRAID, i just needed to say that so as to keep the fear at bay. i am totally not perfect in my faith just that... if i dont have something to hold on to, then i wouldnt be able to survive the uncertainty

so its always comforting to sit next to that mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.

found this song, which puts it very nicely i think



A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand
The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed
But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
He said:
"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"
I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all
But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small
I trust in you
I trust in you
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small
~

this gift is small, my burdens, fears and inhibitions are large. my ambitions... well ok i have already reached the peak of my ambition. become an ed trainee was the main ambition lol. but i still need the miracles, nearly on a daily basis. 
so do with it as you will, my five loaves and two fishes
i surrender

this lenten season has not been easy. it has been figuratively and literally sleepless as i did random ppts at odd hrs of the days and nights. but tell me abt it, i have had MANY OTHER very exhausting lenten seasons. i guess Jesus also had a hard 40 days and nights in the desert and wilderness so...

sometimes i really so want to just HECK IT ALL and fly off to africa to join MSF. but yea. i also know that is just pure escapism. i need to train to fix all the knowledge gaps i have, and procedural gaps *central lines cough * and then only when i am at a certain level, then i can think of going. and yea it doesnt solve anythin just to fly off and escape everything. actually its just throwing 1 starfish into the sea at the time. but actually i have no aims to change the world. i think changing the world is no picnic either

sometimes all we can do, whereever in the world we are, is to just keep standing by the shore, picking up one starfish at a time and putting it back into the sea

talking to each starfish, being a friend to it

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

emoji of a wave

spending my day off in acad lib doin research haha

but yay! day off!

also checking out zombies run, seems like a cool app. i rly shld gym and run more.
they have a new virtual race thingy which sounds v cool. and the youtube teaser has a very strong scottish accent. maybe its pavlov theory or what but to this day i feel quite nostalgic whenever i hear a strong scottish accent hahah.


Sunday, April 7, 2019

you're my flashlight

to do list
- prepare for m&m
- research X 10000 (totally bit more off than i can chew)
- prepare for journal club

WHICH TO DO FIRST omg

ok tonight - m and m 1st draft
sun and mon errr maybe do research before shift. then work both days
tues - day off! crafd course. email Dr J m and m draft!!
wed - resus, teaching, GYM
thurs - paper finalish draft. NIGHT.
fri - post night. DO JOURNAL CLUB HW

ok that seems like a doable schedule. hAHA. hope it works
i also have to log a million things but 

srsly if not for wednesday half days, no idea how i'd survive. it would just be days and nights bleeding indistinguishably into each other. more nights than days (literally) 
'


this is so addictve for some reason

~
When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of
The things that I don't know
When tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes
And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found,
I lost hope that I won't fly
And I sing along, 
I got all I need when I got you and I
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
'Cause you're my flashlight (flashlight)
I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
'Cause you light the way
I got all I need when I got you and I
~

my hope is in you

my hope is in you - aaron shust I meet with You and my soul sings out As your word throws doubt far away I sing to You and my heart cr...