Saturday, March 30, 2019

love will find u where u are

post night musings for the thousandth time

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. hahah those halycon days spent doing quizzes in skh ed, on quiet nights browsing the internet looking at extreme medicine courses (when we still had internet). back when i still was new to adult ed and was studying "causes of chest pain, approach to SOB" hahah it feels like i was so young and idealistic then, when actually i was completely jaded beyond belief. funny how i feel happier and younger after working like for 5 years + now compared to when i was just a baby peds mo. life works in truly strange ways

anyway i was supposed to do chill and fun stuff today post night BUT i fell asleep. deep asleep. and thus my post night day was spent.

but i think ? God might be helping me with something i really want... of course it is always up to Him. His way is always the best way, i trust and accept that.

years after this song wouldnt stop ringing in my ears during the 2nd time i took the frcem primary exam, it never gets old... everytime i need to do something impt and desperately need to find some peace and courage, i cue up this song on my beloved spotify playlist. "you and i we can make it through make it through"

i really would like to go to _____ because the pre conf workshops look AMAZING. disaster med. ultrasound. omg shld i learn sth new, or shld i learn something that helps me to become a better dr and reg like that i need RIGHT NOW.hmmmm tough call. okok if i really get to go, i will be VERY GRATEFUL and amazed. coz i nearly almost gave up, then God gave me an idea out of nowheree.

maybe (?). we shall seee

things to do
- pay car bill
- sort out income tax
- log 101 things - ultrasounds, duty hrs, resus pts
- icem ppt
- submit my paper...
- nivresearch
- case report

not to mention study omg thank goodness i passsed my exams liao

ok, at least one thing (sorta kinda) is a load off my mind

plan for tmr
- church

then next day GYM (like i havent gone at all this month..) and NIGHT SHIFT
then clearly another post night shift

if i could talk to myself at many points...

If we were face to face,
I'd tell you these simple truths,
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Thursday, March 28, 2019


its thursday but it feels like a weekend LOL


ok kidding, had a course today so it was like... wake up late... go for course... come back chill, do research and read about hard and soft signs of neck injury
not to mention podcasting EMRAP on the drive to hosp and back! on penetrating neck trauma and the hypotensive patient post cardiac arrest

ie productive day!

ok... i still have way more research to do, miles and miles to go before i sleep.

but im sitting here watching a korean variety show abt a hostel in spain

its really enjoyable but a lil bittersweet coz sometimes i feel sad i couldnt go to spain sigh but YKNOW WHAT. GOD HAS A PLAN and coz i couldnt go then, He gave me one of my fav variety shows to watch! so i can sit here in the air conditioned comfort of home and binge watch tv

maybe one day, maybe. then again maybe not. but its ok coz of everything ELSE He gave me, instead (i guess you could say that). which is... a lot of stuff.

just had to say that. watching this show made me very acutely aware of the goodness of God (in a roundabout way). and know that, when God doesnt give you something, its usually for a very good reason.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

fountains/ all my hope is built on your love

The apostle Paul faced many hardships but believed that what is unseen will last forever. He said how his “momentary troubles” achieve “an eternal glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17). Thus he could fix his eyes “not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,” because what is unseen is eternal (v. 18). Paul yearned that the Corinthians and our faith would grow, and although we suffer, that we too would trust in God. We might not be able to see Him, but we can believe He is renewing us day by day (v. 16).
And I hoped the next time I was tempted to believe that God was far from me, I would fix my eyes on what is unseen.
Lord God, sometimes I feel like You’re far from me. Help me to believe the truth that You are ever near, whether I feel Your presence or not. 
What does it mean for you to fix your eyes on what is unseen? How does your hope in Jesus help you face the difficulties of life?
nicole nordeman 
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open

To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me

Could get in the way
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
you were with me as i ran through the snowy meadows, you were with me as i sent up prayer missives from my third floor room overlooking the rooftops, you were with me as i cried in a stairwell all alone, you were with me when i walked into an LT of strangers for the very first time (thinking to myself that as long as i was back home it didnt really matter if i had any friends or not, BUT you sent some AWESOME friends who are still my friends to this very day. in fact hung out with c having cgh starbucks coffee halfway during acp day haha . you cured me of my bad habits of pangsehing people too, who would have thought!!). you were with me as i slogged through the trenches in basements of various hospitals, and found such untold happiness and excitements in aforementioned basements. you were with me as i faced overwhelming uncertainties and faced a crazy eye learning curve. you were with me as i did call after EOD eye calls in what seemed like a winter that would never end. 
and now as i face the feeling of impostor syndrome ++ and knowing there is SO MUCH i do not know, unknown unknowns and known unknowns, drowning in research as always, research qns coming out my ears, working nonstop for 12days with no break (except a midweek excursion to play escape the room... then doing a practice resus shift as reg with P plate - like LOL SO RANDOM. but VERY FUN. i had to prime all the nurses that i was doing this practice resus shift and they were v amuseD. ) 
all my hope is in you Lord/ my hope is built on your love
just now i drove to church for the first time in 2 weeks (read: working nonstop for 12days plus). and ummm i took the wrong way kinda and overshot (also carpark was fuil). had to make a u turn. it was kinda a good metaphor. sometimes we get distracted or life doesnt go perfectly the way we plan to. even if we are doing something perfectly legit like... going to church. BUT. God will always give us a way out, a way to u turn back, a second chance.STORY OF MY LIFE. 
josh baldwin - fountains 
I will never forget
The moment I met you
The moment you called my name
Pulled me out of the darkness
Gave me a promise
To never thirst again
All that I ever wanted
My heart has found in you
I have tasted life
Nothing satisfies
Like you do
The fount that won't run dry
Nothing satisfies like you do
I want all that You offer
Your living water
Drink from the endless well
I will sit at your table
Forever grateful
Forever where You plan
All my fountains are in
All my hope is built on your love
All my fountains are in you
With every breath I live for you Lord
josh baldwin-peace
Verse 1: In a land of my heart
In the fathoms of my soul
When the waters of my fears begin to rise
I feel your love taking hold
In the valley of my mind
On the road of the unknown
When the shadows of my doubts are closing in
You are the light that brings me home

Chorus: And when I'm breathing
I don't understand
But I can feel it
Every waking moment
In your presence
This peace won't let me go
There is freedom
Laying all my worries
At your feet again
Even in my struggle
I'm surrendering
Your peace wont let me go

Verse 2: When my strength is nearly gone
When my wells have all run dry
It's your kindness that will lead me to your arms
Where I find grace that you've supplied

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
Surely all that you've promised
You're so much more than I can see
I will rest in the assurance that I have all I need
Here in the Father's peace

Thursday, March 14, 2019

never stopped loving me

never stopped loving me - Jeremy camp
You kept on calling my name
Through all my darkness and haze
Even when I had fell apart
You held me close to Your heart
When I have gone astray
How You would chase me
When I was so afraid
You would embrace me
You never stopped loving
You never stopped loving me
Over and over again
You prove a faithful friend
From here, You'll never turn away
'Cause You're love, You cannot forsake
You moved heaven and earth
The cross, You have endured
I am the joy in Your eyes
You never stopped loving me

waking up to this, puts peace in my heart

humans are... humans but God is always awesome, always there

whatever it is

- log cases
- somehow get 150 ultrasounds
- somehow get 7 more lines
- somehow settle outstanding research x 100 

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

hot cross buns

Day 7: Fasting Is Hard
It can be easy to mess up during Lent. That's kind of the point, though—right? Fasting reveals that we are weak, which allows us to see how God is strong. 

well. im not gonna lie, lent is ALWAYS hard. im not very sure why but. i guess we always live in hope that easter sunday is gonna come! and that God will always be the light in darkness. 

so many things to do and SO LITTLE TIME

i just wanna go join mSF tmr and live my life to the fullest now sometimes haha. but even i know that is escapism. and i need to prepare myself better. so many things i obviously dont know. and so many unknown unknownS

just trust God

painting for me is such a blessed escape from life. its also very quick and easy (since i bought all the paints liao). it makes me feel very happy and uses another side of my brain haha. 

ok. WORK
oh yeah lenten resolutions...
uh i guess, no studying languages til easter sunday (french + korean) --> anyway no time for now haha
to hit quota and still be a good doctor (and a good person)
to be a good person

actually these r things we shld do everyday (except languages which is more of a necessity that have to hold of for now. haha)


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...