Saturday, February 23, 2019

on rainbows and waterfalls

AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! a journey that i first started in july 2016 haha so it took about... 2.5 years to clear the 3 exams. a journey i never anticipated that i would embark on but somehow once i stepped into adult ed 2.5years ago, everything started happening very fast. some things have been very stressful and not easy but also God has definitely helped ALOT, beyond anything i could ever ask for or imagine. 

FRCEM Primary: --> I rmb when i first got the news i was drowning in p3 queues haha 
FRCEM intermediate: --> similarly i was drowning in an eye clinic on the day frcem intermediate results came out. to the point that i could only check the results on the train ride home 

amazed and in awe of God's timing. 

to be fair, i also know that there are a million things more to be learned *cough central lines *cough difficult iv plug setting, not to mention ed intubations are slightly diff from anes coz anes everything is very controlled, in ed, intubations happen faster and u cant really predict what you are going to face. which is why u shld always PREPARE and ANTICIPATE what u can. and there is still ABEM to mug for in 1 weeks' time... which i havent really mugged for coz ive been caught up in research things. and last night i read the full comments from my anes posting which were UHHH. not sure what to say about it except that my boss was very very nice about it ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. 

but nevertheless, its great to know for myself that in the past 2.5years, i've somehow managed to reach a level where i can clear the emed intermediate exams with a combination of tutorials, teachings, daily twitter FOAMed browsing and last min pre exam mugging haha. its great to know that. 

hopefully i can somehow level up and become a pokemon master somedaY. with God's help, i KNOW it's possible. since the day i stepped into adult ED approximately 2.5years ago, God has been helping me all the way, opening doors, saving me regularly from myself, dragging me through EOD calls and giving me a bunch of awesome friends and mentors. so i might not have much faith in my own abilities but i definitely have faith in God helping me to level uP, somehow, someday

Friday, February 15, 2019

the redeemer

the redeemer - sanctus real
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win But I'm still a dreamer, a believer Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You 'Cause You can make anything new Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You 'Cause You can make anything new I don't have every answer in life But I'm trusting You one day at a time this is where Heaven and Earth collide I lift my hands and give my life This is how my weary heart stays alive Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide) (I lift my hands and give my life) Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive) Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide) (I lift my voice and give my life) The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh) 'Cause You can make anything new Yeah, You can make anything new

this is just the song i needed to hear today
sitting in library trying to do a lit review
and there was a MASSIVE CNY party right next to the library - thankfully it just ended, so peace and quiet now~ wah i tell you. SO DISTRACTING TO THE MAX.
the consoling thing abt this 2 weeks is that im not actually responsible for the eye pts
but i must say i get super antsy and keep wanting to jump up to do the stuff. like WAIT CANNOT DILATE BEFORE CHECKING RAPD hahaha


coz im still a dreamer....
oh i lost my faith in so many things but i still believe in u
oh ive given up on so many things, but im not giving up on u...

i wish i cld say life was all peaches and cream but, humans are humans
what i have is good enough, if i psyche myself and inner cheerleader very often
yeah alot of anxious thoughts, imposter syndrome thoughts keep flying thru my mind
but just a quick memory of running thru the meadows on a snowy desperate day always reminds me of God's grace and blessings

i guess i wish people including myself were perfecter
if i could count how many times ive given up on myself/others, how many times ive lost my faith in others or myself, i'd be rich by now

i guess we still have expectations of what is right and... not everyone has the same expectations?
thats the only way i can explain it

well, theres nothing i can do about it. the only person i can change is myself and thats difficult enough alr HAHA. no point trying to change others too.

maybe one day God will help me sort my life out
as for now i am sleepy, not motivated, stressed, anxious, have alot of research to do.

*inner cheerleader
i can do it!!

Sunday, February 10, 2019

all of my plans, all of my dreams/ i submit to your design

chanced upon these songs completely by chance when trying to google lyrics for sidewalk prophets's song give it all away

what a beautiful find on a nearly rainy sunday afternoon
i specially like the boppy music in the song "i will wait"

just come off a week of tiring work nonstop and finally have 1 day off. the cases weren't difficult and bosses were nice. with slight overtime, nothing too massive, i managed to hit a respectable number of cases while being safe. dont think the bosses think that i am super chui, seems that finally managing to get back into the groove after 1 yr away from clinical em. altho i also know i have a LONG WAY to go and much to mug and do too. but - shall give thanks for small mercies. there were some small things along the way - but those are small things. overall it was a tiring week but i feel i did give it my best and surviveD. despite going TWO HOURS early for my resus shift.

of cos life sometimes throws curveballs. which can hurt alot too. but whats new
sitting here having love pouring thru my headphones as ever

i guess. i have been very lucky in that God is always saving me from myself.
human love is unfortunately much more complicated and not as pure as God's love
but. i guess if God has given me so much love, grace and blessings, i can put aside my prideful feelings and try to love others the way he has loved me. its not always easy for a variety of reasons. but somehow, i think with God backing me up i can do it

give it all away - aaron shust
Search my heart, search my mind
Search my soul
Make me clean, make me new
Make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now, submit to Your design

'Cause You are the one and only one
Who dared to give it all away for me
You are my strength, You are my God
You are my King

You make me laugh, You make me dance
You make me sing

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now, submit to Your design

You never change but You rearrange
My heart more everyday

'Cause You are the one
Who can make my life complete

my hope is in you - aaron shust

I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, yeah

i will wait- aaron shust
When I am tired You bring me comfort
(I will wait; I will wait for You)
When I am weak You give me strength
You give me wings like an eagle
When I'm alone You bring me peace
I will wait for Your mercy
I will wait for Your plan to unfold

I will wait for Your mercies are new every morning
When I am wounded You heal my broken bones
And when I sing You fill my heart with joy
And when I fear the unknown You give me peace
And when I call, You always answer me

We wait for You like watchmen wait for morning
We wait for You like creation waits for spring
We wait for You knowing sometimes without warning

You reveal Your plan in ways that maybe we don't understand

this song pouring thru my earphones was really. pure love
could feel God's love so strongly as this was playing.

never been a greater love - aaron shust
There is nothing in this world
That means as much to me
Than the fact that You came looking
In my hour of desperate need

I was lost but then You found me
Giver of hope when all is hopeless
When i was picking up the scraps
Lord, You never stop pursuing

Never give up when dreams collapse
We have been touched by grace amazing
You gave it all to buy us back
It's who You are
Who You are

You are the author of salvation
Perfecter of our faith
The God of restoration
You've covered us with grace
There has never been a greater love

Never a gift has been so lovely
Never a love has been so pure
I can't imagine ever finding
Somebody else who loves us more

Even though we cannot repay You
We'll give our lives in the pursuit
Of who You are
Jesus, You're so wonderful
Oh how wonderful You are

in my many hours of desperations, You always came looking for me
giver of hope when all is hopeless, when i am picking up the scraps
never has a love been so pure
i was lost but then u found me

Saturday, February 2, 2019

for what it's worth

one of my fav phrases - its actually a song title i just found out haha.

ANYWAY. at this random time in the morning a million thoughts are running through my jetlagged mind

it's back to work soon, thankful for this short break from work, much needed after my vigorous TWO DAYS of mugging. the more i live this life, the more i am literally breathless at God's mercies. it's really there i go but for the grace of God.

for what it's worth - sidewalk prophets

For what it's worth 
I'll give all that I have 
Without ever looking back I'll follow you
I can't sing loud enough 
I'm just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
For what it's worth 
I am standing here amazed 
By the wonders that Your mighty hands have made
I don't deserve 
To be covered by Your grace 
So with every breath the least that I can say 
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I will give my all to You my king 
There is nothing more that you ask of me 
I will lift will lift my voice, and I will sing 
There is nothing more that I can give a king 
I will lift my voice, I will lift my voice

things to do in the upcoming few weeks/months
- spring cleaning (i just submitted 3 cny inspired spring cleaning poems from over the past few years to the poetry journal i keep spamming. LOL wanted to laugh just reading at all the poems ive spammed them over the years). many many dust mite poems. many vaccum cleaning poems. many poems abt pineapple tarts.

- oh yeah, write more poetry, that can only be a good thing.

- STUDY for ABEM. go to novenabookstore and buy tons of books
- request my 101 requests for march
- apply TL for all the various thingies
- LOG stuff

- survive everyday shifts. guys. it is NOT EASY livin up to them expectations. but i have survived until PGY-cannot-count-already (never expected to be laughing abt this over coffee at APLS with my fellow batchmates wahaha but heY at least i can tell pts that i am nearly 30 when they ask. it helps ok.).anyway the point is. it is definitely true that i appreciate the 2nd (well uncountable) chance that i have been given, VERY MUCH. so i will do everything i can to live up to the expectations of the kind people that helped me to this point. and without ZY/ TC/ DG i seriously dont know how i could have gotten this far through all the various hurdles to this point. u guys are awesomeness

- aim to gym tomorrow. and hopefully 3x/ month. God has been really good in that since i started ED abt 2years plus ago (ok 3 years if u count ce), i haven't really needed to gym very much haha. i was totally addicted to it years ago when i was in med sch i admit, but that was also out of neccessity. now that i generally spend my days running around in circles for various reasons, jumping up and down in excitability, and not eating so as to meet the quota (sometimes i just heck care. and take some time to go eat and then see one less. then feel VERY SAD), guess what, i only need to gym 3x a month to feel human. and when i say feel human, its actually more for de-stressing and happy endorphins rather than needing it for actual weight loss. this is terrible in the sense that it's not a very money- saving endeavour to NOT go to the gym, but it actually makes me really happy to have a free hour to myself to actually make it to my happy place, the gym, so.... OK anyway so i vow to try and gym more, that can only be a good thing!

- general aims: to continue to be a good human being and maintain SANITY. its not always easy but keep on remembering how God regularly saves me from myself.

oh yeah that being said - exam. what can i say. God, if it is your will, may i pass this exam. i tried my best. not sure what is the meaning of my best, but, at this point of my life, and all the postings i had passed through so far, that is really the best that i could have done. thank u for the memorable practices that i had with my friends. thank u for the kind seniors who spent saturdays and preshift and post shift times and post nights to teach us. thank u for using this exam to keep me up to date with ED during the 1 year away i spent from ed. i can barely live up to the ginormous expectations now let alone if i hadnt been having like a gazillion resus tutorials all this time?! You always know what is best (even tho the studying was painful and the mock exam was really really paiseh for me. and the last minute studying was like... near- hemetemesis level.).

Friday, February 1, 2019

a billion stars

a billion stars - one sonic society
God above it all
In you I will believe
What you begin in me
You will complete

You light up the nights
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark

I will walk by faith
and not by sight
This I know
God is faithful

God who holds it all
You know my deepest need
So silence every fear
With perfect peace

When the darkness is great
You are greater
You will never let go
You will remain

Every battle I face
You are stronger
You alone are my hope
You'll make a way
and so we keep on going on
twas a good break from work, and going back to the basics and being thorough and learning loads of procedures and having multiple resus tuts really made me a better doctor.
small things along the way, like chancing upon a church open late at night for a 3day virgil prayer was really awesome. balm to the tired feet and tired soul.

there are still so many things in life to DO but i'm getting there, somehow, someday
glad for the little things in life that continuously remind me that despite it all, God is still with me
glad for the friends he sent along the way! whatsapp msgs popping up like flowers after the rain, kind good luck wishes from friends - one of the best things of this is the friends i made along the way.

next up - massive spring cleaning for cny, more mugging for abem!!
we can do this!!


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...