Saturday, January 26, 2019

all who need rest/ all who are lonely/ come to me

you see everything i go through 
and listen to the broken words i pray 
i know you and i we can make it through, make it through
i'm with you.... 
all this time you've been walking beside me
waiting for the day I'd call your name 
- i'm with you by kutless 

somewhere out there is a version of me that is exhausted and fearful and stressed and unprepared....
and then there is the version of me that is chilling pre-flight and trusting in God's grace and mercy

my duty is to MUG the medical studentphysical exams +++ now. it shldnt be too hard as YJ has trained me well during our M5 mugging sessions so the memory shld be deep in the vaults of my brain. hehe thinking of all the shennigans during the m5 times going around the wards clerking pts make me giggle
some gems: when we were late for tut coz had a really good case and me and YJ ran ALL the way to tut then yj had to present on a case of SOB while being SOB from the running
when we were in our ed posting and someone dropped their phone into a huge bag of the pts belongings MALU +++
when we were at day surgery trying to find ganglion for shortcase and saw the wrong list so did a hand exam on a pt that came for another surgery (ie a normal hand exam, which is also ok just funny haha) and was wondering if we missed the ganglion? then some prof came along to chat with his pt and started laughing at us. and then brought us through a short tutorial anyway

if i pass this ed reg exam, loads of it is due to the BEST m5 clerking partner ever YJ!

anyway, i will mug what i can humanly mug now. then hope that God's grace will see me through, if i am deserving of it.

if we've ever needed you, it's now....


Friday, January 25, 2019

thewordsiwouldsay



if i look back on my life, running in the snow many years ago,
there is only one set of footprints on the trail of the snow covered meadows
that part is where God picked me up
and then there there is a bit where he dragged me for awhile
becos i wanted to hold on to so many things, that i was supposed to let go and trust him about, but i was scared and didn't dare to let go. 

packing up everything i owned and leaving edin in a cab all those years ago not knowing what life would bring
having everything come perfectly full circle on a random day back in edin
and now for the 3rd exam in this series
i remember the circumstances surrounding the first two so clearly
praying to God for guidance as to what exam should i take, wanting A Sign so much
This Is A Sign, that kinda thing
it has not been a easy or simple road, but it has been the BEST journey ever
i wouldnt say i am superbly prepared for this third exam to be honest, but i have God with me as i prepare and four days more to study

I CAN DO IT, WITH GOD'S GRACE
He has brought me this far and He won't leave me now
Trusting in that 
~
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,

These are the words I would say
~
HIS LOVE WILL FIND A WAY 
~

Monday, January 14, 2019

Prenight musings (again)

Whoa abt 1.5 weeks back in ed and im realizing there is so much to learn and improve still hhaha. What is newww

Even after 1.5 yrs there is still things i havent seen and done beforee and also lets not talk abt the increased expectations. The numbers are ok, i can hit the numbers they want. Its abt the increased expectations and also the being rusty due to 1 yr away. Wow really thank God i studied ed for exams during this yr away or i would be really super much chuier than i currently am

Was in a lil bit of a funk that i am not as perfect and living up to the expectations as... i expected myself to be. BUT. I have decided to get over it and acknowledge that there is always space to learn n improve. And also the one good thing is that the ed nurses r so lovely and sweet and trust me hahaaha so that part is great.

And at the end of it all, i know that God is always protecting me from something and wants me to learn sth from it all. Its gonna be ok! I shall become pro-er so that when i finally become reg i can be a good reg :)

Sometimes the process of learning n improving is painful or it can be embarrassing. But with faith it can all turn out for good in the end.

Much thanks to zy for being my r1 posting buddy. Its so great to have someone going thru the same postings and trials and tribulations as u hahahaah. From anes to icu to coming back to ed she has been there and i am v grateful for that!

Thursday, January 10, 2019

breaking point

breaking point (sanctus real) 
I know the dawn can never know the dark
Except to break its grip on me
Silence doesn't know a song
Until I choose not to sing
Love can never learn to hate
Hope will not accept its fate

I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
And it's here on the edges
Between Your heart and mine
I am just a man, and You are the divine
But I hear Your voice calling, You call me from the dark

To have my heart, so here's my heart
I am guilty but I see grace
Where love came down to set me free
And if I just accept this change
That there is more than what I see

Courage doesn't hesitate
Faith will not capitulate
But I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
And it's here on the edges
Between Your heart and mine

healing begins

prenight shift philosophizing once again...

~
sanctus real - healing begins

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
~

pre night shift pumping myself up. going for body pump later too hahah. plus gonna buy more medical books. HEARTS. i LOVE going to that bookshop to buy medical books

having stress and high expectations on us is an honor i gladly accept (even if it's stressful). and the stress of logging things and filling up forms, and knowing exactly what bosses think of you (v honesty), is NOTHING compared to wondering WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. that is definitely true. it's still abit stressful i have to put it out there haha. BUT. having a group of buddies along for the ride makes it so much easier and smoother! used to be just myself wondering all by myself how this life is gonna work out, studying alone for exams that could make or break my future (until the few days pre exam mugging in edinburgh with the fellow ed mos hehe. that was uber fun, not to mention nostalgic ++++). now it feels like we're all in this together. loving the post emcc and pre emcc food seshs, the safe space to ask silly qns, the early 8am mcem weekend tutorial starts at random hospitals around the country.

~
if you dont know what to pray
just open up the pages
let His word be your strength
and hold on to the promises~
all things work for good

sanctus real - promises

Friday, January 4, 2019

but with what we have/ we're marchin on

post night shift thoughts after ONE YEAR AWAY

one year is a LONG TIME but what stood out to me is the PEOPLE make a big difference. thats how you know you are homee~

"this is home, truly, where i know i must be..."

my speed can be improved abit, HAHA sigh. but i also feel that i clear cases faster, and set plugs faster. i think what changed is i also thought a bit more (?) about the cases. which is why my speed was abt the same even though the plug setting was super fast and the clearing case was super fast and painless too. i spent super long talking to each pt though. some things NEVAH CHANGE. and of course settling 101 handover patients and things popping up randomly here and there. ok well i can feel there is room to be better and it's just the first day! or night, that is.

trust in God ++++ x 6/12

~
one republic- marchin on
Somehow
We keep marching on
There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin' on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
For all of the plans we made
There isn't a flag I'd wave

And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we saved
But we'll have the heart
Not to lose it
For all of the times we've stopped
For all of the things I'm not
You put one foot in front of the other
We've move like we ain't got no other

Thursday, January 3, 2019

let the hope you have light the road you're walking

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

first night shift in 1 yr omg. chanced upon this song in my spotify playlist haha. so apt. 


on the FIRST day of new year, tagging eot call with one of the sweetest anes regs EVER (sidenote: being persuaded by multiple anes people to go study for my exam in between waiting for potential patients to do spinals on is very effective for study motivation. haha). and after feeling the spinous process i wanted to take the needlehub to mark the spot before going to scrub up for the spinal. and the anes reg says "its ok la. HAVE FAITH". in that moment i couldnt help but have the past 29 years flash past before my eyes and reminded of the reg's whatsapp profile pic which was a beautiful watercolor calligraphy of the verse "he makes everything beautiful in its time". i swear. that is her profile pic on whatsapp!! 

and no surprises there, i was successful with that lumbar puncture haha. 

driving home, rushing to my friend's wedding after with a rush of joy at the successful lumbar puncture, i realized that it has taken me 29 years and nearly pgy5 before i finally got it. HAVE FAITH. 

~

britt nicole - the sun is rising 

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
And the sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

And even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

~

one more month. actually less than a month. NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA STUDY FOR THIS EXAM. 

have lots of faith, but also something tells me i must put in some effort too. its an old posting that we all know and love so well coming up, but also some new things, forms to fill, things to learn. expectations to fulfil. but no matter how high the expectations are and how many fiddly forms there are to fill, i shall be thankful to God for preparing me very well to go back to this place i love so much. He prepared me with icu experience, with intubation experience, with loads of resus practice with mcem tutorials with kind seniors who took time off on their days off 
or nights off or random weekends to come back and give us teachings. who didnt suan us for not knowing things or when we say things like "er... i will now call for help. *pause*. help". HAHAHAHAHA. (not me ok my friend! but it was so epically funny). an exciting toxicology simulation yesterday, where i fortuitiously studied organophosphate poisoning in my mcem b book right before going in and we got it as the scenario! i love doing simulation with my friends i practice for exams coz ... well, we have practiced tgt before so it flows much better. what can i say, practice makes purrfect


~

kutless's song "with you" never ever gets old - I know you and I, we can make it through make it through

i run to you

the afters - i run to you When the road has left me empty When I'm broken, tired, down and out When the darkness feels too heavy Whe...