Thursday, September 12, 2019

a million ways

my FIRST DAY OFF IN THREE WEEKS
spent it as such
a) sleeping in (ok this is normal i do this on a working day too hehe)
b) gym!! interval training
c) retail therapy++ at orchard
d) research at academia

then later need to do loads of admin/ claiming stuff/logging things... later haha
and packing luggage

well better than some offdays which are admittedly spent netflixing hehehe
which is good too, there are different ways of decompressing for different days

~
"Becoming" - jason gray

I am miles from where I was
It's so far from where I wanna be
With each step I learn to trust
The maker is still making me

Life is a house full of rooms
Each door opens to another door
I can't walk into something new
Till I leave behind where I was before


Sorry for the days that I let you down
Thank you for the way that you stuck around
Giving me the grace to figure it out
While I was still learning to be found


'Cause I, I'm becoming
I, I'm becoming

It's progress, not perfection
Not arrival, it's direction
It's the living and the learning
Not the finish line but the journey

sanctus real - a million ways
Looking at my life from where I stand
Every joy and tear, I see Your hand
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done
There's a million ways You've been good to me
So many broken pieces mercy has redeemed
You never let me down, never left my side
I look back and find You've been faithful all my days
In a million ways
You have healed my heart from the deepest hurts
You have shown me grace more than I deserve
I won't forget how You've come through
I won't forget You always do
God I am Yours, You rescued me
What kind of love, how can it be
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

i will never forget/ the moment you called my name/ pulled me out of the darkness

I will never forget
The moment I met you
The moment you called my name
Pulled me out of the darkness
Gave me a promise
To never thirst again
All that I ever wanted
My heart has found in you
~
there is alot i could say, but probably shouldn't. 
what i can say - God is always saving us from something, even when it doesnt seem like it. with time, you will be able to see His plan. it will work out. somehow, someday. better than ever expected!
SO MUCH HOMEWORK. NO TIME TO DO IT.
aims for this week
1) survive week
2) believe in God
3) finish presentation 
4) stay sane
~
anyway! YKNOW what, i have survived the coldest winters, the most glaciers of friendships, teenage angst, teenage heartbreak. i have survived so many years of uncertainty in this very same basement. of people doubting me, of me doubting myself, eating chocolate bars at midnight becos i dont have the energy to take a taxi home. i have survived multiple back to back eye calls trawling the hospital like a zombie with my slit lamp. the funny thing is after it all, i feel more comfortable seeing the triage complaint RED EYE than say a neonate with vague complaints. at least i know what to do right away for the red eye, while for the neonate i know i would definitely get a senior to clear. FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS isnt it. 
so yeah, a couple of angsty people, the NEVERENDING DARKNESS. WHO CARES. my God is always with me and in that i trust. LIGHT WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME THE DARKNESS. i will continue to fight the good fight, i will continue to trust in his mercy. 
sometimes, we can depend on our support system to angst it out. sometimes, for various reasons, we can't. but YKNOW WHAT. it is ok. i have evolveD. i dont really need long msn conversations to feel human again
i just blast some spotify on a cool day on my way driving to work
as i reach the junction i blast my fav song CONFIDENCE by sanctus real
Lord be my defense/ so i can face my giants with confidence
~
God pulled me out of the darkness, so hopefully i can bring light to others as well. not to be a raincloud and angst away. SO with God behind me, i will keep on trying to be a better doctor. even though i am SO OLD ALR and tbh i think i am actually not bad now like SO MANY YRS post grad. but there is ALWAYS sth to be improved. i shall figure out what that is. and iMPROVE IT. 
there must be a reason why God pulled me out of that dark pit so many years ago
why he sent people to find me with the light. why he gave me so many second chances over and over again
why he directed me to emed so not-very-subtly, even though he knew it was 10000% better than what i had originally wanted. 
oK God. i got the message. emed is the best and i won't look back. the past is the past and EVERY SINGLE DAY what i am reminded of is THANK YOU GOD for changing my life course for the better. 
please help me to be a good doctor wherever i am or whatever part of medicine i am workin in!
~
Christ before me 
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In his mercy
Never ending
I remind myself

Sunday, September 8, 2019

nobody nobody but you



Why You ever chose me Has always been a mystery All my life I’ve been told I belong at the end of the line With all the other Not-Quites With all the Never-Get-It-Rights But it turns out we’re the ones You’ve been looking for all this time ‘Cause I’m just a nobody Trying to tell everybody All about Somebody who saved my soul Ever since You rescued me You gave my heart a song to sing I’m living for the world to see Nobody but Jesus Moses had stage fright And David brought a rock to a sword fight You picked 12 outsiders nobody would’ve chosen And You changed the world Well, the moral of the story is Everybody’s got a purpose

Monday, September 2, 2019

is a little fuzzy cause

prenight musings doing research as usual
sleepier than usual due to a SUPER EARLY start today

lady antebellum never dissappoints!
~

lady antebellum - think about you

You swore we'd make it home
It's a little fuzzy 'cause
I was caught up in your eyes

It's hard not to fall apart
With a midnight broken heart
So I cried
But that was the last time

The place where I first saw your face
And you bought me a drink
And when we talked 'til 2 AM
About every single dream

Cause I don't think about you and me
What we used to be
Every memory anymore
Forgot about what we went through
'Cause I'm bulletproof
Oh, I bet you think I do
No, I don't think about you, you
lady antebellum - hurt
If my memory gets the best of me
Then I'll always find an excuse
Yeah, I'll make believe, re-write history
Ignite a spark I can't undo
It always starts out simple like a conversation
Before I know it, I'm lost in your illumination
If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I'll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I'd wait for you a thousand years

If you light the fuse you know that I'll react
If you wrap us in your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that
You're a carnival on a summer night
Gone too soon every time
Yeah, it's beautiful how you burn so bright
In the waste land you leave behind
If you call me up at three AM
I'll run to the rescue time and time and time again

Saturday, August 24, 2019

everglow

random weekend morning spent sitting here spotifying and youtubing as usual

really liked this song by henry (i luv you)


"you dissappeared
after being by my side for awhile
thank you for teaching me
why love is so hard

it burned away
after shining for abit" 

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

the next thing/ middle of a miracle

day off 1 was spent literally vertical, as if i had run a marathon the day before - spoiler, i didnt haha
day off 2 was completely opposite!
- am meetings to plan fun stuff
- afternoon research - finally sent emails i have been procrastinating for yrs, and started on other stuff ive been procrastinating for months haha
- pm - tried out a new gym!
~
One Step Away What if you could go back and relive One day of your life all over again And unmake, the mistake That left you a million miles away From the you, you once knew Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying That you’ll never get back on track But what if I told you You’re one step away from surrender One step away from coming home, coming home One step from arms wide open His love has never let you go You’re not alone You’re one step away It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone Mercy says you don’t have to keep running down the road you’re on Love’s never met a lost cause Your shame, lay it down Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause You know that you can’t go back But you can turn around You’ve never been more than Lay down, lay down your old chains Come now and take up your new name Your best life up ahead now You’re one step away

~

what changes the day from good to bad?
i think the only difference is my perception of the day. which boils down to - the hope and faith that only comes from God.

like one day feeling so unaccomplished and procrastinatory and unloved but suddenly i managed to get enough enthusiasm and overcome the activation energy to drive myself to work
along the way i heck cared about my phone bill mobile usage for wifi and just blasted my favourite songs on spotify

just as i reached the junction one of my fav songs confidence by sanctus real came on

im not a warrior
im too afraid to lose
im feeling unqualified for what you're calling me to do
but Lord with your strength
ive got no excuse
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense So I can face my giants with confidence I’ll face my giants with confidence

~

gave me alot of confidence to face that upcoming shift. and heck care the 101 things i havent done yet
~

so my answers are - i dont know what lies ahead
there are so many scary exams, formal and informal
there are so many wrong things ive said and unsaid

but with God's help, i'll face my giants with confidence
God will be my defense
~

in this life, i dont really believe in any human, least of all myself
i dont also believe in any knights
i believe in alot of nIGHT shifts and waiting for morning to come
spoiler: with God, THE MORNING ALWAYS COMES.
eventually.
even if you still have 5 unseen blue letters for a specialty you dont even specialize in.
anyway, eventually it comes, and eventually you find something you are vaguely good at

and for what you are not good at, YOU STUDY VERY HARD til u are good at it
and spend alotalot of time at ultrasound courses uNTIL you can do it with your eyes closed. (Ok actually i think its abit hard to do ultrasoud with one's eyes closed. haha)

~

anyway also, sometimes i find myself scrolling and scrolling thru twitter etc... looking for the meaning of life but not finding it. DUH

maybe i should spend that time RUNNING 24KM. so that i dont have to sit here philosophizing shld i change gym or not.

nah, R was right, all those yrs ago. sometimes, we just need another human to talk to. to talk it out. whatever it is. something i realized intermittently through the yrs is that although i have been lucky to meet many such people who have entertained me through such random times when i just want to talk, doesnt have to be something good or bad or specific. sometimes it's VERY NON SPECIFIC vague stuff. philosophizing. yknow? HUMAN CONTACT. sometimes we just cant depend on another human. the amt of philosophizing/angst that a human can contain... sometimes i feel its not very fair to just regurgitate all that onto another human who likely has their own fair share of angst/ things to do. sometimes i cannot find someone for all this philosophizing also - this is likely due to the unarguable reality that in previous life cycles, i was a VERY lousy friend. now i am less likely to pangseh people. BUT STILL IT HAPPENS. sometimes circumstances outside of my control. sometimes maybe IT'S FOR THE BETTER. it is probably for the better.

anyway, to those fellow humans who had to endure me for those years, thank you for the sanity-restoring listening. hope you all get some brownie points, be they literal or metaphorical. i sadly still DO philosophize, just spread out a little and extremely diluted down and hidden behind various things. but not as little as i would like. i would like to just lock up all this philosophical existential angst in a bottle and just be a machine who studies for ABEM and churns out papers like a shakepearean monkey who learns the typewriter. unfortunately i am not. i am like a mercurial poet the kind the editor needs to chase for deadlines nonstop (except my kind bosses do not. and i am not an exacting editor at all). and hence like douglas adams says - i love the sound deadlines make as they go whooshing by


~

anyway, think i should go swimming at the mapletree gym. since a) i dont know when i am going to quit this gym (probably never, since i love it too much) and b) i once got fooled by c that it is MAPLETREE BAY SANDSs and went to MARINA BAY FINANCIAL CENTER
~

ok sorry its 3am and i havent finished journal club hw
and i have been procrastinating abt many things for years to months and they are all suddenly due soon.

and i keep randomly bein reminded by my own brain of things i have said and done. which made sense AT THE TIME.

but if i keep blasting the music and keep driving this car in a straight line, eventually God is going to come true. that's what i learnt, this past 30 years. it comes full circle and i'll drive past serene center at 3am blasting in my car "STEADY HANDS JUST TAKE THE WHEEL"

The Very Next Thing I spend all my time, dreaming what the future’s gonna bring When all of this time, there’s a world passing by right in front of me Set my sights on tomorrow, while I’m tripping over today Who says big things, are somewhere off in the distance I don’t want to look back, just to see all the times that I missed it I want to be here and now, starting right here, right now With the very next words of love to be spoken To the very next heart that’s shattered and broken To the very next way You’re gonna use me To show me the next thing I’ll do the next thing Let my very next breath, breathe out a song of praise to You With my very next step, be on a road that was planned by You Lord, wherever You’re leading me That’s where I want to be Eyes wide open, I see You working All around me, You’re on the move Step by step, I’m running to meet You In the next thing, in the next thing
~

God has planned this road so we just need to trust in him.

Monday, August 19, 2019

little star

listening to standing egg music is so nice
two days off omg what shall i do with my days off!!? so much to do so little timeeee

been reflecting on r1 year and i did alot of things omg haha. dunno how i did all that. but also didnt do alot of things

dont know how i am gonna finish what i need to leh.but hopefully God finds a way as always!

ytd drove myself to work and back, PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENT, at nearly 30 yo. little kids have started calling me aunty oMG. so happy when they call me jiejie. me printing mc another comp cos my comp printer doesnt work and overheard kid asking her mum "the jiejie just now, is she coming back?" SO CUTEEE. remembering what i loved about peds the most is THE VERY CUTE KIDS. i love waving byebye and high fiving kids. the best of 1 year+ of my life distilled into this. and the rest is just automated feveradvice backslabs running to resus - runs like an autopilot, the memories tattooed into the DNA of my being since baby mo year1! 

but! i must keep up with adult EM! REBEL EM, EMRAP, ROSH REVIEW, AMAL MATTU. fonts of knowledge. if i learn all this i will be a competent reg/pokemon master one day! that's the dream at least. one day far far away in a not so far away galaxy...

plans
2-4pm RESEARCH. 
4-6PM JOURNAL CLUB RESEARCH
6pm onwards: NIV research. or chill. i think i shld do NIV research. 

tmr
am - meet duke students with sf
pm - RESEARCH
evening - trying out new gym


our daily bread

~

“Emotionally, we’ve sometimes worked a full day in one hour,” Weighty emotions and responsibilities can leave us physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. And all we want to do is sleep.
In 1 Kings 19, the prophet Elijah found himself in a situation where he was depleted in every way. Elijah was so afraid he ran away and prayed he would die (19:3-4).
In his distress, he lay down. An angel touched him twice and told him to “get up and eat” (vv. 5, 7). After the second time, Elijah was strengthened by the food God provided, and he “traveled forty days and forty nights” until he came to a cave (vv. 8-9). There, the Lord appeared to him and recommissioned him (vv. 9-18)—and he was refreshed and able to continue the work God had for him to do.
~
perpetually tired and sleepy
living on the EDGE
life in the fast lane dudE
but i'm loving it!
many emotions being back in CE. It's funny how life cycles around like that. going back to edin for emed exams. going back to london for more exams. (there were alot of exams). going back to CE for r2 year. 
it should get better and better haha but WHY do i still feel stressed rah. i think there are alot of expectations. from myself. from others. i think mostly from myself
anyway, as always i try my best. dont know if or when my best is good enough.  but perhaps, perhaps one day it will be
anyway, its nice meeting my friends the peds people! memories of those days slogging away. kinda like meeting the eye people. thanks guys for putting up with me back then! but out of everything, my one true love is definitely EMED! wish i could be better at it... GETTING THERE one step at a time
hearts to my fellow now r2s for all the neverending encouragement and whatsapp chats. and also thanks for putting up with me LOL. just had to say that. just like how we look back on rgs days now... i am sure when we eventually graduate from residency we will happily rmb all these wednesday post emcc coffees and dinners!! 

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Coffeelove

:):) preshift pickmeups
#story of my life
#you and i will make it through make it through

Saturday, July 20, 2019

i run to you

the afters - i run to you
When the road has left me empty
When I'm broken, tired, down and out
When the darkness feels too heavy
Where will i go?
You welcome me back home
You tell me I belong
You forgive all my wrongs
I run to you
No matter where I've gone
You've waited all along
You open up your arms
You were there, you always loved
Gave me everything I could ever want
But I thought that I knew better
But I didn't know

i will fear no more

Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
~
thankful for the friends and compartriots going thru all these postings with me
hahahah today when p, a and i all ran to see the same patient. ed instincts!!
you're my courage when i worry in the dead of night, u are my strength cause im not strong enough to win this fight

breaking point

not sure what i can or should say, but this song says it all!

the dawn will break the darkness's grip on me
maybe one day, i will not be forever living on this breaking point
not living in this fear

haha, i wish.

~
I know the dawn can never know the dark
Except to break its grip on me
Silence doesn't know a song
Until I choose not to sing
Love can never learn to hate
Hope will not accept its fate
I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
And it's here on the edges
Between Your heart and mine
I am just a man, and You are the divine
But I hear Your voice calling, You call me from the dark
To have my heart, so here's my heart
I am guilty but I see grace
Where love came down to set me free
And if I just accept this change
That there is more than what I see
Courage doesn't hesitate
Faith will not capitulate
But I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
~
and its here on the edges 
between your heart and mine...
~
You may find me in the midnight
Fallen down upon my knees
Or riding out another storm
Praying for some peace
Even when I feel alone
Jesus, this I know
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who calms the raging sea
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who's holding onto me
You may lead me to the desert
Where I'm empty and afraid
Wandering this nothingness
Thirsting for the rain
I will not give into fear
Cause Lord, I know You're here

Sunday, July 14, 2019

reflections of first half of 2019


always enjoy looking back on how the year has been haha. and also this midpoint reflection thingy. common themes: EXHAUSTION. EXTREME MEDICINE. POKEMON. GOD IS GOOD. running. (funny. cos i havent run much this yr actually..)

Jan 2019 

on the FIRST day of new year, and the anes reg says "its ok la. HAVE FAITH". it has taken me 29 years and nearly pgy5 before i finally got it. HAVE FAITH. 

~
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing

Feb 2019
AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! amazed and in awe of God's timing. hopefully i can somehow level up and become a pokemon master somedaY. with God's help.

Mar 2019

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. 

April 2019

its always comforting to sit next to that fish and loves mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.
~
every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will

May 2019
have been running and running nonstop for awhile now
only with God's grace
and what keeps running through my mind is that THANK YOU GOD FOR LEADING ME TO EMED.

June 2019

your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other

~
Yea I could try so hard
To give it everything I've got
But I'm not ever gonna measure up
All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
I'm glad You never walked away

three in the morning/and im still awake

be strong in the lord and/
never give up hope/
you're gonna do great things/
i already know/
God's got his hand on you so/
dont live your life in fear/
forgive and forget but/
dont forget why you're here
~

in the middle of a room full of crying babies and nine cases and stress trying to take bp from a kicking child, i looked up to see one of my fav nurses with a picture of mother mary carrying a cute baby Jesus on her access card (lol i love how she proudly displays it so openly).

in the middle of a new but old posting i should be SO MUCH BETTER AT, but am sadly not, in the middle of URTI induced myalgia and generalized malaise, in the middle of juggling a million things to do that i dont think i am juggling very well tbh... feeling very post night cos i leave work so late everyday... BUT VERY GRATEFUL to do it with my homies. srsly. post shift supper was SO SHAG but SO worth it hehe

to get the vote of confidence from ____ totally made my day!!. no need actual votes. just these votes of confidence is enough for me
~
i dont deserve to be covered by your grace/
so with every breath the least i can say/
i will run and not grow weary/
i cant sing loud enough/
i could nv earn your love
im just a glimpse of the hope u see in me
for what its worth
i will lift my voice and sing
...
for what it's worth
~
for what it's worth, i will keep on trying
it's sometimes not easy BUT he has sent alot of people to help along the way
~

i will keep on trying to be a good doctor. to somehow get back to MRCPCH lvl. how ah. i cannot rmb anymore in SLE whether c3 and c4 will be high or low?! does it matter? not really, but alot of neonates nutritional info and all matters...
wish i could re-download all the things i knew last time into my brain

also need to keep my adult em knowledge current....
~
you will never leave me/
you will always be the one who calms the raging seas..

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

get your hopes up

I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In his mercy
Never ending
I remind myself
get your hopes up - josh baldwin
~
so here i sit at 1am, taking a break from ce videos with my beloved EMRAP. just renewed my subscription. one of the happiest things ever
i've been floundering in stress for the past few days, knowing there are holes in my knowledge where once i knew these things... they just werent very impt to my life the past two years. BUT NOW THEY ARE
~
oh well. i thought i was a good r1 but guess i can be better still sigh. yay maybe i can get some most improved award next yr haha. sigh. think this yr i need to re-evaluate my priorities, focus on studying alot. wrap up all my old projects and submit all my papers. and then mUG LIKE CRAZY. ok i think to improve in 1 yr is very hard. but i can aim to be a very good r3! hahaha. 
two year plan for the win! 
~
anyway so i watched 5 ce vids in total today sitting in starbucks w my trusty macbook. ON A ROLL! i also did not go to the gym. so i also feel like a pudgy roll. BUT ITS OK. a rolling stone gathers no moss. anyway i feel very educated on elbow injuries now coz i also watched an entire podcast on EM cases abt peds elbow injuries. the key point was DONT RUSH AND SLOW DOWN. not sure that is gonna fly with the fast paced dept "i watched a podcast and they said to not rush and slow down when looking at elbow injuries in kids!!" haha. but actually at this moment i just want to see more peds trauma 9 cases lehhhhh. elbow also can. 
anyway, this is just to say that, knowing myself very well, if i was given a choice i could just actually sit there playing comp games and chilling all day. BUT. i could also choose the life of excitement and of filling my brain with ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE so i dont get steamrolled every single shift. of learning stuff on the off chance one day i really take that plane ride to a war-torn country and actually put these skills to use like my past self used to dream of, sitting there in a cosy little ed in ah. 
~
You say I'm forgiven
Being restored
But it's hard to feel it
Here in this storm
Torn between who I've been and who I want to be
Jesus, I need you
Need You to be
Hope in the darkness searching for me
Out of this doubt
Lord, help me to believe






Monday, July 8, 2019

never been a greater love

i seem to spend a large chunk of my life sitting in starbucks with a macbook, seems so hippie but its a NECESSITY

not to mention listening to spotify songs haha. so boppy

today i watched 
- jaundice video
- cardiac babies video
- currently on upper limb injuries video

finally on week 2 videos!!

there is alot of imposter syndrome going on. i'll be the first to admit, i can't remember all the peds things i knew 2 years ago when i was studying for MRCPCH!!! sorry guys. i really have transformed completely into an adult ed doctor in this two years. 

and also i still have alot of things from adult em to improve on (no time...). 

sometimes it seems overwhelming BUT

"i've been here over and over again
here on my knees
im only closer and closer to where i wanna be
when u take over take over
can u take over me"
- take over, aaron shust 

anyway i am having palpitations so maybe i shld do lONG LEAD ECG and try paracet and recheck temp and hr in 1 hr's time? hahaha
nah, only watching these videos is gonna 

the thing is i kNOW i can get back to my previous form. i know it! i just need to watch these videos. like a magical door. i may not be extremely brilliant nor very good at procedures sadly hOWEVER, time has shown me that if i put in the effort, i actually am capable of reaching a min-mod level of productivity and capability. 

and also i have alot of occasional ocd and responsibility that makes me stay back later than i should and people think i am inefficient (while i am not efficient, i am also toooooo determined to settle things for my pts. and also kaypoh to help out with resus sometimess. but i love resus so much)

BUT. all this shall pass. i shall become a good ed doctor, and i will regain my full ce powers with much mugging (if i ever find my MRCPCH books?! i think i either threw them all away or donated them or burnt them after i last left peds. oh dear). 

anyway i shall somehow with alot of God's help, reach the lvl i was on my last day of ce mopex two years ago.  i shall believe in this!! i dont need to be at lvl of peds resident. i dont need to surpass my fellow previous mos turn reg, or ho turn peds reg. i will happily consult them (sometimes extremely happily so that i dun have to spend sleepless night wondering if i shld have asked snr abt that case.). i just need to reach that nirvana of being as good as my last day of ce mopex many years ago. 

i dont need a knight in shining armour, i don't need all the frills and excitement. i just wanna be a good doctor here where i am. the place where i first fell in love with ED, i just want to be able to account to my previous self, and to all the bosses that for some reason, still trust me. me two years ago clearly did a better job than it felt like at the moment hAHA

"you never stopped loving never stopped loving me
when i was so afraid you would embrace me
when i had gone astray/ how you would chase me" 

Thursday, July 4, 2019

survival

a quick reflection of the whirlwind past 2days
turning r2, going back to ce, has been very significant (albeit stressful) for me

i am SO glad to do it with 3 of my em buddies!! one of the best things abt this residency thingy is that we rotate together most of the time haha so there so far has always been buddies around despite occasional nOOBness

feeling very nostalgic in many ways - ed at the mothershiphosp has been SO AMAZING, i lost count of how many times pple asked me am i r3 and gonna be reg soon. THANK YOU ALL for the trust and vote of confidence in me (actually its becos i am very old, not cos i am very good or deserving of it). thank you all for showing me how AWESOME emergency medicine is. i have done many postings in my lifetime, but ed at the big hosp is the bEST. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND literally. everything i learnt abt em, i learnt from you guys and the amazing skh pple from my first baby emed mo posting. i am very grateful to the kind bosses who have been teaching us all these years. 

going back to CE, my first love, is both nostalgic in many ways, and stressful. i am not sure if my own expectations are higher or others have higher expectations, but suffice it to say, i am nOT up to my own expectations. there are things of life i learnt in ce and things i learnt in emed and what CE taught me is that if i put my mind to it, i can definitely buck up and improve. i dont have super high expectations but i expect myself to at least reach the lvl i was at before i left ce the last mopex posting lOL. timeline, uhhhh one week? 

"you and i, we can make it through make it through..."

Monday, June 24, 2019

never stopped loving

never stopped loving - jeremy camp 
You kept on calling my name
Through all my darkness and haze
Even when I had fell apart
You held me close to Your heart
When I have gone astray
How You would chase me
When I was so afraid
You would embrace me
You never stopped loving
You never stopped loving me
Over and over again
You prove a faithful friend
From here, You'll never turn away
'Cause You're love, You cannot forsake
~
in life we have many things to learn from
years and years pass and memories fade. 
but years after, looking back on it all. i think that maybe some things actually came from God. that those meant something in and itself. not just to learn for future times, but in that moment itself. well i can't turn back time and it was gonna end up this way anyway, although no question that i could have done much better as a human being in that time. my excuse is that i was very young and inmature back then.which is true. but hey God helped answer da prayers and it worked out ok in the end right? a happy ending for everyone in various ways. ok my fairytale knight hasn't come. but there were other happy starts and happy things. and hopefully i have forgiven and been forgiven as well, for various things i might have done. 
in the end, what i learnt from it is that, although i love to plan ahead and strategize what im gonna do later, sometimes it is right in the moment that we need to focus. not on something nebulous in the far future. its in the person right next in front of you that is impt. not some possible knight in shining armour that may come in ten years time but the person with you right now. not that the knight ever seems to come, but that's a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER. lol. or maybe he came and left. a short story, not a novella. a very very short story. 
but hey, it might have been short but at least it was short and sweet. at least it didn't end in a long dragged out matter, at least it didnt spawn about ten asterix-the-bard-worthy poems that could be published in my fav poetry online journal (can i put all this in my cv ah?). at least i knew i did the right thing. didn't offend anyone or anything (you would be surprised at how easy it is to do that). 
and me? i will board the next plane to whereever msf will bring me to, if they will have me. i dont think even the most armoured knight would be able to accept someone who needs to fly off to a war torn country every year sadly. but if anyone knows of such a person pls let me know. 

now and forever/ the reasons you brought me here

prenight musings x 100

1) i think everything else is SECONDARY. all these are just extra things
being a good doctor and a good human is the mOST IMPT THING
never ever lose sight of that
never ever lose ur God

2) playing wizards unite on the way to library to do research is fun+++ hehe

3) i hope tonight is a good good night

4) dear God, is it possible for me to finish doing everything i need to do, and do it well? and to somehow find time to study? and to somehow be a good doctor (to the lvl of my own expectations, and of other's expectations?)

5) dear God, pls help all my pts survive. help me to do the right thing, always. to not be afraid what others think of me, or what i think of myself. cos ALL THAT DOESNT MATTER. i only answer to you my God

~
now and forever - one sonic society
i stand in awe
i stand amazed 
when i see all you've done for me

from the ruins of my life
u heard my human cry

who can i compare to you my God
there's no love like yours
all praise i give to you my God
now and forever
~

reasons why you brought me here - jason gray
I know I'd get an answer
That I can't understand
If I ask that Your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater

And in that greater plan
Like the reasons why You brought me here
This story would be different
If it were only mine to write
There are secrets I would never volunteer
But secrets lose their power
When they have no place to hide
Maybe that is why You brought me here

Ooooh
all I see are the ruins
Yeah
as the smoke starts to clear
Ooooh
I hope You know what You're doin'
‘Cause You brought me here

It's a mess of my own making
This I won't deny
And though the consequences
shake my heart with fear

I guess I'm grateful that you brought me here
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here
I guess I'm grateful that You brought me here

Saturday, June 22, 2019

i have this hope/ in the depth of my soul

i have so many things to juggle. no idea if im doing half the stuff right or wrong

but today during one of the shermp weddings, i felt very strangely touched during the opening songs

~
for your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other
your goodness is running after me
with my life laid down, im surrendered now
cause all my life You have been so so good

~

watching out of the corner of my eye the pd singing along (lol) i felt strangely moved somehow

memories of a dark night trying to find the firelight, stumbling along in the dark (i dont even mean metaphorically lol. i mean LITERALLY). such a relief to have finally found the campfire light lol. those memories kept flashing across my mind

~

as always, God brought me to this... surely he will bring me through this?
~

warm fuzzy happy feelings in one universe versus crazy bilevel mood swingings (not mine) versus illusions versus delusions
OH WHATEVER. i have no time anyway

to do today
- improve my cardiac us
- watch one amal mattu video

to do tmr
- church
- drive to work
- p3 shift

that will be enough
ONE DAY AT A TIME
~

and i think, i MUST NOT FORGET WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE, AND WHY I AM HERE.
(angels brought me here)
in whenever number of years that i exit
i shall fly off to MSF
as planned

KEEP ON GOING. KEEP ON LOGGING THINGS AND LEARNING THINGS.
so that one day i might earn that seat on the plane

~
what are men to rocks and mountains
will i ever find anyone who can do this msf thingy too. or accept it. UNLIKELY
so i just accept this fate lol.

becos THIS IS why i signed up for medicine. so KEEP ON GOING.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

how many times


TO DO LIST
- pay ps back for our impromptu deliveroo salmon samurai + bubble tea dinner hehe
- claim conf sponsorship
- revise some ECGs
- scan conf cert
- organise _____
- help plan welcome dinner
- pack entire house
- get new scrubs (???)

what i wanna do right now
- sleep

what i really have to do
- go for shift in 3 hrs

what i will probably end up doing
- watching kdramas

~

"How Many Times" 

There's no making sense of you, I can't explain it
How do you love the way you do and never change it
You are good, you are strong, you are everything I'm not
You are hope, you are love and your mercy never stops

[Chorus:]
How many times have you been faithful,
and How many times have you carried me
I run, I fight, I try to hide
But you stay here by my side
You carry me still no matter how many times

You are my god when I was lost deep in the shadows
And I've been yours all along so I will follow
Every step that you take, every move you wanna make
In my heart, in my life, oh I'm not afraid

[Chorus]

You know who I am, still you love me
And I don't your arms holding on to me, you carry me

~
day 6 marathon


The start was great
You were confident
You didn’t know
It’ll be this forceful
No one knew
Mhm

Suddenly
You’ve gotten all exhausted
Always
Flopping down
I feel bad looking at you
No no

But right now
(Can’t stop)
If I stop
(Can’t stop)
I think it’d be too late
I think I won’t be able to get back up

Don’t you run run run
It’s already been very hard
Walking now
Is okay (okay)

Resting for a bit is also good
Taking it easy is also good
You don’t have to overwork yourself

Honestly, me and you
Have no difference
The person ahead
Might be laughing at me
So I also couldn’t stop yeah

I’m like a fool
(Can’t stop)
Oh foolishly
(Won’t stop)
Without even knowing why I’m running
I also came all the way here alone

Right now by your side
I’m here
Walking together
I’m here
So it’s okay yeah
Even if you go slowly it’s okay yeah

Through the fire