Saturday, July 20, 2019

i run to you

the afters - i run to you
When the road has left me empty
When I'm broken, tired, down and out
When the darkness feels too heavy
Where will i go?
You welcome me back home
You tell me I belong
You forgive all my wrongs
I run to you
No matter where I've gone
You've waited all along
You open up your arms
You were there, you always loved
Gave me everything I could ever want
But I thought that I knew better
But I didn't know

i will fear no more

Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
~
thankful for the friends and compartriots going thru all these postings with me
hahahah today when p, a and i all ran to see the same patient. ed instincts!!
you're my courage when i worry in the dead of night, u are my strength cause im not strong enough to win this fight

breaking point

not sure what i can or should say, but this song says it all!

the dawn will break the darkness's grip on me
maybe one day, i will not be forever living on this breaking point
not living in this fear

haha, i wish.

~
I know the dawn can never know the dark
Except to break its grip on me
Silence doesn't know a song
Until I choose not to sing
Love can never learn to hate
Hope will not accept its fate
I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
And it's here on the edges
Between Your heart and mine
I am just a man, and You are the divine
But I hear Your voice calling, You call me from the dark
To have my heart, so here's my heart
I am guilty but I see grace
Where love came down to set me free
And if I just accept this change
That there is more than what I see
Courage doesn't hesitate
Faith will not capitulate
But I'm stuck somewhere in between
This is the breaking point for me
~
and its here on the edges 
between your heart and mine...
~
You may find me in the midnight
Fallen down upon my knees
Or riding out another storm
Praying for some peace
Even when I feel alone
Jesus, this I know
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who calms the raging sea
You will never leave me
You will always be the one
Who's holding onto me
You may lead me to the desert
Where I'm empty and afraid
Wandering this nothingness
Thirsting for the rain
I will not give into fear
Cause Lord, I know You're here

Sunday, July 14, 2019

reflections of first half of 2019


always enjoy looking back on how the year has been haha. and also this midpoint reflection thingy. common themes: EXHAUSTION. EXTREME MEDICINE. POKEMON. GOD IS GOOD. running. (funny. cos i havent run much this yr actually..)

Jan 2019 

on the FIRST day of new year, and the anes reg says "its ok la. HAVE FAITH". it has taken me 29 years and nearly pgy5 before i finally got it. HAVE FAITH. 

~
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing

Feb 2019
AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! amazed and in awe of God's timing. hopefully i can somehow level up and become a pokemon master somedaY. with God's help.

Mar 2019

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. 

April 2019

its always comforting to sit next to that fish and loves mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.
~
every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will

May 2019
have been running and running nonstop for awhile now
only with God's grace
and what keeps running through my mind is that THANK YOU GOD FOR LEADING ME TO EMED.

June 2019

your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other

~
Yea I could try so hard
To give it everything I've got
But I'm not ever gonna measure up
All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
I'm glad You never walked away

three in the morning/and im still awake

be strong in the lord and/
never give up hope/
you're gonna do great things/
i already know/
God's got his hand on you so/
dont live your life in fear/
forgive and forget but/
dont forget why you're here
~

in the middle of a room full of crying babies and nine cases and stress trying to take bp from a kicking child, i looked up to see one of my fav nurses with a picture of mother mary carrying a cute baby Jesus on her access card (lol i love how she proudly displays it so openly).

in the middle of a new but old posting i should be SO MUCH BETTER AT, but am sadly not, in the middle of URTI induced myalgia and generalized malaise, in the middle of juggling a million things to do that i dont think i am juggling very well tbh... feeling very post night cos i leave work so late everyday... BUT VERY GRATEFUL to do it with my homies. srsly. post shift supper was SO SHAG but SO worth it hehe

to get the vote of confidence from ____ totally made my day!!. no need actual votes. just these votes of confidence is enough for me
~
i dont deserve to be covered by your grace/
so with every breath the least i can say/
i will run and not grow weary/
i cant sing loud enough/
i could nv earn your love
im just a glimpse of the hope u see in me
for what its worth
i will lift my voice and sing
...
for what it's worth
~
for what it's worth, i will keep on trying
it's sometimes not easy BUT he has sent alot of people to help along the way
~

i will keep on trying to be a good doctor. to somehow get back to MRCPCH lvl. how ah. i cannot rmb anymore in SLE whether c3 and c4 will be high or low?! does it matter? not really, but alot of neonates nutritional info and all matters...
wish i could re-download all the things i knew last time into my brain

also need to keep my adult em knowledge current....
~
you will never leave me/
you will always be the one who calms the raging seas..

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

get your hopes up

I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In his mercy
Never ending
I remind myself
get your hopes up - josh baldwin
~
so here i sit at 1am, taking a break from ce videos with my beloved EMRAP. just renewed my subscription. one of the happiest things ever
i've been floundering in stress for the past few days, knowing there are holes in my knowledge where once i knew these things... they just werent very impt to my life the past two years. BUT NOW THEY ARE
~
oh well. i thought i was a good r1 but guess i can be better still sigh. yay maybe i can get some most improved award next yr haha. sigh. think this yr i need to re-evaluate my priorities, focus on studying alot. wrap up all my old projects and submit all my papers. and then mUG LIKE CRAZY. ok i think to improve in 1 yr is very hard. but i can aim to be a very good r3! hahaha. 
two year plan for the win! 
~
anyway so i watched 5 ce vids in total today sitting in starbucks w my trusty macbook. ON A ROLL! i also did not go to the gym. so i also feel like a pudgy roll. BUT ITS OK. a rolling stone gathers no moss. anyway i feel very educated on elbow injuries now coz i also watched an entire podcast on EM cases abt peds elbow injuries. the key point was DONT RUSH AND SLOW DOWN. not sure that is gonna fly with the fast paced dept "i watched a podcast and they said to not rush and slow down when looking at elbow injuries in kids!!" haha. but actually at this moment i just want to see more peds trauma 9 cases lehhhhh. elbow also can. 
anyway, this is just to say that, knowing myself very well, if i was given a choice i could just actually sit there playing comp games and chilling all day. BUT. i could also choose the life of excitement and of filling my brain with ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE so i dont get steamrolled every single shift. of learning stuff on the off chance one day i really take that plane ride to a war-torn country and actually put these skills to use like my past self used to dream of, sitting there in a cosy little ed in ah. 
~
You say I'm forgiven
Being restored
But it's hard to feel it
Here in this storm
Torn between who I've been and who I want to be
Jesus, I need you
Need You to be
Hope in the darkness searching for me
Out of this doubt
Lord, help me to believe






Monday, July 8, 2019

never been a greater love

i seem to spend a large chunk of my life sitting in starbucks with a macbook, seems so hippie but its a NECESSITY

not to mention listening to spotify songs haha. so boppy

today i watched 
- jaundice video
- cardiac babies video
- currently on upper limb injuries video

finally on week 2 videos!!

there is alot of imposter syndrome going on. i'll be the first to admit, i can't remember all the peds things i knew 2 years ago when i was studying for MRCPCH!!! sorry guys. i really have transformed completely into an adult ed doctor in this two years. 

and also i still have alot of things from adult em to improve on (no time...). 

sometimes it seems overwhelming BUT

"i've been here over and over again
here on my knees
im only closer and closer to where i wanna be
when u take over take over
can u take over me"
- take over, aaron shust 

anyway i am having palpitations so maybe i shld do lONG LEAD ECG and try paracet and recheck temp and hr in 1 hr's time? hahaha
nah, only watching these videos is gonna 

the thing is i kNOW i can get back to my previous form. i know it! i just need to watch these videos. like a magical door. i may not be extremely brilliant nor very good at procedures sadly hOWEVER, time has shown me that if i put in the effort, i actually am capable of reaching a min-mod level of productivity and capability. 

and also i have alot of occasional ocd and responsibility that makes me stay back later than i should and people think i am inefficient (while i am not efficient, i am also toooooo determined to settle things for my pts. and also kaypoh to help out with resus sometimess. but i love resus so much)

BUT. all this shall pass. i shall become a good ed doctor, and i will regain my full ce powers with much mugging (if i ever find my MRCPCH books?! i think i either threw them all away or donated them or burnt them after i last left peds. oh dear). 

anyway i shall somehow with alot of God's help, reach the lvl i was on my last day of ce mopex two years ago.  i shall believe in this!! i dont need to be at lvl of peds resident. i dont need to surpass my fellow previous mos turn reg, or ho turn peds reg. i will happily consult them (sometimes extremely happily so that i dun have to spend sleepless night wondering if i shld have asked snr abt that case.). i just need to reach that nirvana of being as good as my last day of ce mopex many years ago. 

i dont need a knight in shining armour, i don't need all the frills and excitement. i just wanna be a good doctor here where i am. the place where i first fell in love with ED, i just want to be able to account to my previous self, and to all the bosses that for some reason, still trust me. me two years ago clearly did a better job than it felt like at the moment hAHA

"you never stopped loving never stopped loving me
when i was so afraid you would embrace me
when i had gone astray/ how you would chase me" 

Thursday, July 4, 2019

survival

a quick reflection of the whirlwind past 2days
turning r2, going back to ce, has been very significant (albeit stressful) for me

i am SO glad to do it with 3 of my em buddies!! one of the best things abt this residency thingy is that we rotate together most of the time haha so there so far has always been buddies around despite occasional nOOBness

feeling very nostalgic in many ways - ed at the mothershiphosp has been SO AMAZING, i lost count of how many times pple asked me am i r3 and gonna be reg soon. THANK YOU ALL for the trust and vote of confidence in me (actually its becos i am very old, not cos i am very good or deserving of it). thank you all for showing me how AWESOME emergency medicine is. i have done many postings in my lifetime, but ed at the big hosp is the bEST. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND literally. everything i learnt abt em, i learnt from you guys and the amazing skh pple from my first baby emed mo posting. i am very grateful to the kind bosses who have been teaching us all these years. 

going back to CE, my first love, is both nostalgic in many ways, and stressful. i am not sure if my own expectations are higher or others have higher expectations, but suffice it to say, i am nOT up to my own expectations. there are things of life i learnt in ce and things i learnt in emed and what CE taught me is that if i put my mind to it, i can definitely buck up and improve. i dont have super high expectations but i expect myself to at least reach the lvl i was at before i left ce the last mopex posting lOL. timeline, uhhhh one week? 

"you and i, we can make it through make it through..."

Monday, June 24, 2019

never stopped loving

never stopped loving - jeremy camp 
You kept on calling my name
Through all my darkness and haze
Even when I had fell apart
You held me close to Your heart
When I have gone astray
How You would chase me
When I was so afraid
You would embrace me
You never stopped loving
You never stopped loving me
Over and over again
You prove a faithful friend
From here, You'll never turn away
'Cause You're love, You cannot forsake
~
in life we have many things to learn from
years and years pass and memories fade. 
but years after, looking back on it all. i think that maybe some things actually came from God. that those meant something in and itself. not just to learn for future times, but in that moment itself. well i can't turn back time and it was gonna end up this way anyway, although no question that i could have done much better as a human being in that time. my excuse is that i was very young and inmature back then.which is true. but hey God helped answer da prayers and it worked out ok in the end right? a happy ending for everyone in various ways. ok my fairytale knight hasn't come. but there were other happy starts and happy things. and hopefully i have forgiven and been forgiven as well, for various things i might have done. 
in the end, what i learnt from it is that, although i love to plan ahead and strategize what im gonna do later, sometimes it is right in the moment that we need to focus. not on something nebulous in the far future. its in the person right next in front of you that is impt. not some possible knight in shining armour that may come in ten years time but the person with you right now. not that the knight ever seems to come, but that's a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER. lol. or maybe he came and left. a short story, not a novella. a very very short story. 
but hey, it might have been short but at least it was short and sweet. at least it didn't end in a long dragged out matter, at least it didnt spawn about ten asterix-the-bard-worthy poems that could be published in my fav poetry online journal (can i put all this in my cv ah?). at least i knew i did the right thing. didn't offend anyone or anything (you would be surprised at how easy it is to do that). 
and me? i will board the next plane to whereever msf will bring me to, if they will have me. i dont think even the most armoured knight would be able to accept someone who needs to fly off to a war torn country every year sadly. but if anyone knows of such a person pls let me know. 

now and forever/ the reasons you brought me here

prenight musings x 100

1) i think everything else is SECONDARY. all these are just extra things
being a good doctor and a good human is the mOST IMPT THING
never ever lose sight of that
never ever lose ur God

2) playing wizards unite on the way to library to do research is fun+++ hehe

3) i hope tonight is a good good night

4) dear God, is it possible for me to finish doing everything i need to do, and do it well? and to somehow find time to study? and to somehow be a good doctor (to the lvl of my own expectations, and of other's expectations?)

5) dear God, pls help all my pts survive. help me to do the right thing, always. to not be afraid what others think of me, or what i think of myself. cos ALL THAT DOESNT MATTER. i only answer to you my God

~
now and forever - one sonic society
i stand in awe
i stand amazed 
when i see all you've done for me

from the ruins of my life
u heard my human cry

who can i compare to you my God
there's no love like yours
all praise i give to you my God
now and forever
~

reasons why you brought me here - jason gray
I know I'd get an answer
That I can't understand
If I ask that Your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater

And in that greater plan
Like the reasons why You brought me here
This story would be different
If it were only mine to write
There are secrets I would never volunteer
But secrets lose their power
When they have no place to hide
Maybe that is why You brought me here

Ooooh
all I see are the ruins
Yeah
as the smoke starts to clear
Ooooh
I hope You know what You're doin'
‘Cause You brought me here

It's a mess of my own making
This I won't deny
And though the consequences
shake my heart with fear

I guess I'm grateful that you brought me here
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here
I guess I'm grateful that You brought me here

Saturday, June 22, 2019

i have this hope/ in the depth of my soul

i have so many things to juggle. no idea if im doing half the stuff right or wrong

but today during one of the shermp weddings, i felt very strangely touched during the opening songs

~
for your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other
your goodness is running after me
with my life laid down, im surrendered now
cause all my life You have been so so good

~

watching out of the corner of my eye the pd singing along (lol) i felt strangely moved somehow

memories of a dark night trying to find the firelight, stumbling along in the dark (i dont even mean metaphorically lol. i mean LITERALLY). such a relief to have finally found the campfire light lol. those memories kept flashing across my mind

~

as always, God brought me to this... surely he will bring me through this?
~

warm fuzzy happy feelings in one universe versus crazy bilevel mood swingings (not mine) versus illusions versus delusions
OH WHATEVER. i have no time anyway

to do today
- improve my cardiac us
- watch one amal mattu video

to do tmr
- church
- drive to work
- p3 shift

that will be enough
ONE DAY AT A TIME
~

and i think, i MUST NOT FORGET WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE, AND WHY I AM HERE.
(angels brought me here)
in whenever number of years that i exit
i shall fly off to MSF
as planned

KEEP ON GOING. KEEP ON LOGGING THINGS AND LEARNING THINGS.
so that one day i might earn that seat on the plane

~
what are men to rocks and mountains
will i ever find anyone who can do this msf thingy too. or accept it. UNLIKELY
so i just accept this fate lol.

becos THIS IS why i signed up for medicine. so KEEP ON GOING.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

how many times


TO DO LIST
- pay ps back for our impromptu deliveroo salmon samurai + bubble tea dinner hehe
- claim conf sponsorship
- revise some ECGs
- scan conf cert
- organise _____
- help plan welcome dinner
- pack entire house
- get new scrubs (???)

what i wanna do right now
- sleep

what i really have to do
- go for shift in 3 hrs

what i will probably end up doing
- watching kdramas

~

"How Many Times" 

There's no making sense of you, I can't explain it
How do you love the way you do and never change it
You are good, you are strong, you are everything I'm not
You are hope, you are love and your mercy never stops

[Chorus:]
How many times have you been faithful,
and How many times have you carried me
I run, I fight, I try to hide
But you stay here by my side
You carry me still no matter how many times

You are my god when I was lost deep in the shadows
And I've been yours all along so I will follow
Every step that you take, every move you wanna make
In my heart, in my life, oh I'm not afraid

[Chorus]

You know who I am, still you love me
And I don't your arms holding on to me, you carry me

~
day 6 marathon


The start was great
You were confident
You didn’t know
It’ll be this forceful
No one knew
Mhm

Suddenly
You’ve gotten all exhausted
Always
Flopping down
I feel bad looking at you
No no

But right now
(Can’t stop)
If I stop
(Can’t stop)
I think it’d be too late
I think I won’t be able to get back up

Don’t you run run run
It’s already been very hard
Walking now
Is okay (okay)

Resting for a bit is also good
Taking it easy is also good
You don’t have to overwork yourself

Honestly, me and you
Have no difference
The person ahead
Might be laughing at me
So I also couldn’t stop yeah

I’m like a fool
(Can’t stop)
Oh foolishly
(Won’t stop)
Without even knowing why I’m running
I also came all the way here alone

Right now by your side
I’m here
Walking together
I’m here
So it’s okay yeah
Even if you go slowly it’s okay yeah

Monday, June 17, 2019

all i can do




Yea I could try so hard
To give it everything I've got
But I'm not ever gonna measure up
All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
Wanna thank You for the grace
I know I don't have to earn
You love me, You love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank You
It would have been easy
But I'm glad You never walked away
Cause Your love runs deep for me
For hope, for love, for all the ways You move
For everything You do
What else can I say but thank You
~
~
STATS COMING OUT MY EARS

stress lvl max

wanna study ecg toxicology ultrasound
no time no time

but all i can do is thank You/ for this life i never deserved

if u asked me, yrs ago when running in the meadows, i couldnt envisage a life beyond. i was just running, one foot in front of the other, picking myself up when i fell down. there was no one to pick me up so i just kept on popping back up each time

it was just me and the mountains and the swans sometimes

ok la there were alot of angels like colin/matt/ wy/ kamin, will never forget their kindness in listening to my endless not very poetic wells of angst hahaha

anyway i couldnt have imagined this. i felt like the walls of the not very bubbly bubble could combust and explode at any time, the uncertainty and stress had such a weight, only running at arthurs seat made me feel totally free. running in the cold winter air and watching footprints in the snow. hoping that when i looked back on it, i would see the parts where God picked me up

so thank you God for never walking away


for the many many more years of love since those winter runs in the blizzards of life


alligator/ me after you




this song was on produce x 101, so pretty!!

~
monsta x's alligator is also a v cute song haha



thursday night

urban zapaka and benzino - thursday night 
On this ordinary Thursday night
I’ll take you anywhere
You seem the most tired today out of all days
Wanna drive? If you don’t mind?
I wanna go with you, wherever it is
You and I will fill up the night
We’re going to that place
Wherever you want
Even if I get things done after I got kicked around
I can’t smile and I’m afraid of tomorrow
When I have a bit of time in the evening but I don’t know how to spend it
I wanna feel this night air with you
I’ll pick you up right now
Don’t go home, stay there
baby I’m on my way
I know you have work early in the morning tomorrow
I wanna see you a bit more
On this Thursday night, I’m out of breath
I’ll run to you as I think of you
I’ll take you anywhere
As we split through the street lights like a keyboard
I’ll listen to your day and say “did you really?”
Pushing away the night air of the world that gave you a hard time
Like the music that is flowing out the window
The stars and the moon in the Han River are flowing along with time
We can feel it together
That we’ll arrive in many more Thursdays in the future

Sunday, June 16, 2019

dream glow

BTS dream glow
I spend my whole life following the night time
Can't see the stop sign what you gonna say (Hey)
Wandering quietly right into my dreams
It's all that I see what you gonna say (Hey)

Always feeling something bigger something real wild
Keep on shining make it brighter than a spotlight (Hey hey)

Sometimes I stop and stare
Follow my dreams right there
Dream glow (Hey hey)
Sometimes my dreams come true
Sometimes they turn to blue
Dream glow (Hey hey)

My constellation is of the Sun's fragment
A radiant blackout, the dance of shadows (Hey)
Inside my heart I feel an undying light
Won't lose to an opponent I haven't brushed against (Hey hey)

Will glow (Hey hey)
My dream is to stay ay ay ay
I won't give up ay ay
You'll glow (Hey hey)

In the dark dawn, spreading trembling wings
Keep on shining make it brighter than a spotlight (Hey hey)
You'll glow (Hey hey)
You'll glow (Hey hey)


Thursday, May 23, 2019

my hope is in you

my hope is in you - aaron shust
I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace

I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"
I will wait on You
You are my refuge
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
~

have been running and running nonstop for awhile now
only with God's grace
keep on running

its not like super easy or anything, but it is FUN
and what keeps running through my mind is that THANK YOU GOD FOR LEADING ME TO EMED. one of the best things in my whole life has been emed. i would have never ever imagined that i would be good at this but surprisingly (?) i am quite ok-ish at it, more than i would have expected for myself anyway. i dont know abt other people's expectations of me HAHA but i definitely surpassed my own expectations of this life already. 

sometimes i think that the trials and tributations that led up to this so far just made it all the more sweeter. like finding out that i got into residency in the middle of the night in edinburgh right after my part 2 exams. edinburgh, place of hot summers and cold winters, place of anatomy and arthurs seat runs, place of miracles. like a perfect full circle, God opening doors that i couldnt open in a place i once left, closing that door not-so-firmly

coming back to sg and being worried that i would have no friends, sneakin into an LT one year late, also a few days late into the new semester, but somehow ending up in a residency with like 40-50 friends

now running and running with projects and work and study

i have such an enormous amt of improvement to make *cough central lines*
but my hope is in u Lord


Sunday, May 5, 2019

you by the light/is the greatest find

two days off in a row yay! after working practically nonstop for like forever

anyway it has been fun having a student around. my latest student was really enjoyable to have around and i loved teaching stuff. so many proud moments like when a new mo came to ask how to do backslab and my student jumped up said "i know!!" and ran to teach him hahaha

things to do
- atls precourse quiz
- research - gonna drive to lib now
- church
- gym (???)

things i wanna do
- sleep
- paint
- draw
- eat yummy food

random other things
- collate feedback
- more research
- study

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

up all night

random boppy song
i wish i could write something which is not just "i am so tired and exhausted" lol. but oh well
i wish a lot of things but sometimes its easier to just SUCK IT UP. we fight our battles in other ways, in other times. the world rolls on
and me ? im just chilling here with a basket of loaves + fish and trusting 
im just running along day or night with my zombie run app, feeling like a zombie most of the time. on an eternal chase as runner 5. 
was all chillin thinkin its my day off today then i checked my phone and its actually oFF STANDBY ONE. so hopefully i get no calls today coz i have a mountain of research and medical reports i owe pple... and homework... and i need to gyM
~
up all night - n flying
It’s already 4am
I was looking at my watch
I tried using the strength of alcohol
But it’s just one moment
I tried making some coffee
But I don’t know, I don’t know
It’s no use
Oh oh
I can’t sleep at the thought of you who left
Oh I still can’t erase you
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
I can only think of you
Sheep are jumping around in my head
I’m up all night, counting your stars
It’s beautiful, my thoughts are as big as the universe
But I’m looking for your star without any sleep
E, ay, if it’s not me, Ba, Baby, no one is right for you
So look at me, every day
Do you know how I feel
It’s useless to try to forget you
Once again, I’m counting sheep
Oh oh No more
I wish it would at least rain
Oh No more
So I can wash you all away
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
All the times spent looking for you
I was so foolish
There’s no meaning anymore
I’m gonna end it all
You keep me up all night
No more nights of calling out to you alone
You keep me up all night
This is the last moment I spend, letting you go tonight
Found the conclusion tonight
Erasing everything

Monday, April 22, 2019

coffee dreams

happy easter everyone!

life has been uh EVENTFUL lately and i have worked 1.5mths with no break largely due to alot of projects, m and m, homework etc, events. so VERY TIRED AND EXHAUSTED but, today sitting outside church at my favourite spot on easter sunday, post night, i was able to take a break from the relentless tide of life. leaning next to the 5 loaves and 2 fishes mural, always gives me hope

i remember years ago when i was mopexing around and i told one of my juniors that i wasnt afraid becos God has a plan hopefully like the story of 5 loves and 2 fishes, He would provide for me somehow. but truth be told, i was VERY AFRAID, i just needed to say that so as to keep the fear at bay. i am totally not perfect in my faith just that... if i dont have something to hold on to, then i wouldnt be able to survive the uncertainty

so its always comforting to sit next to that mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.

found this song, which puts it very nicely i think



A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand
The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed
But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
He said:
"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"
I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all
But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small
I trust in you
I trust in you
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small
~

this gift is small, my burdens, fears and inhibitions are large. my ambitions... well ok i have already reached the peak of my ambition. become an ed trainee was the main ambition lol. but i still need the miracles, nearly on a daily basis. 
so do with it as you will, my five loaves and two fishes
i surrender

this lenten season has not been easy. it has been figuratively and literally sleepless as i did random ppts at odd hrs of the days and nights. but tell me abt it, i have had MANY OTHER very exhausting lenten seasons. i guess Jesus also had a hard 40 days and nights in the desert and wilderness so...

sometimes i really so want to just HECK IT ALL and fly off to africa to join MSF. but yea. i also know that is just pure escapism. i need to train to fix all the knowledge gaps i have, and procedural gaps *central lines cough * and then only when i am at a certain level, then i can think of going. and yea it doesnt solve anythin just to fly off and escape everything. actually its just throwing 1 starfish into the sea at the time. but actually i have no aims to change the world. i think changing the world is no picnic either

sometimes all we can do, whereever in the world we are, is to just keep standing by the shore, picking up one starfish at a time and putting it back into the sea

talking to each starfish, being a friend to it

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

emoji of a wave

spending my day off in acad lib doin research haha

but yay! day off!

also checking out zombies run, seems like a cool app. i rly shld gym and run more.
they have a new virtual race thingy which sounds v cool. and the youtube teaser has a very strong scottish accent. maybe its pavlov theory or what but to this day i feel quite nostalgic whenever i hear a strong scottish accent hahah.


Sunday, April 7, 2019

you're my flashlight

to do list
- prepare for m&m
- research X 10000 (totally bit more off than i can chew)
- prepare for journal club

WHICH TO DO FIRST omg

ok tonight - m and m 1st draft
sun and mon errr maybe do research before shift. then work both days
tues - day off! crafd course. email Dr J m and m draft!!
wed - resus, teaching, GYM
thurs - paper finalish draft. NIGHT.
fri - post night. DO JOURNAL CLUB HW

ok that seems like a doable schedule. hAHA. hope it works
i also have to log a million things but 

srsly if not for wednesday half days, no idea how i'd survive. it would just be days and nights bleeding indistinguishably into each other. more nights than days (literally) 
'


this is so addictve for some reason

~
When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of
The things that I don't know
When tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes
And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found,
I lost hope that I won't fly
And I sing along, 
I got all I need when I got you and I
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
'Cause you're my flashlight (flashlight)
I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
'Cause you light the way
I got all I need when I got you and I
~

Saturday, March 30, 2019

love will find u where u are

post night musings for the thousandth time

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. hahah those halycon days spent doing quizzes in skh ed, on quiet nights browsing the internet looking at extreme medicine courses (when we still had internet). back when i still was new to adult ed and was studying "causes of chest pain, approach to SOB" hahah it feels like i was so young and idealistic then, when actually i was completely jaded beyond belief. funny how i feel happier and younger after working like for 5 years + now compared to when i was just a baby peds mo. life works in truly strange ways

anyway i was supposed to do chill and fun stuff today post night BUT i fell asleep. deep asleep. and thus my post night day was spent.

but i think ? God might be helping me with something i really want... of course it is always up to Him. His way is always the best way, i trust and accept that.

years after this song wouldnt stop ringing in my ears during the 2nd time i took the frcem primary exam, it never gets old... everytime i need to do something impt and desperately need to find some peace and courage, i cue up this song on my beloved spotify playlist. "you and i we can make it through make it through"

i really would like to go to _____ because the pre conf workshops look AMAZING. disaster med. ultrasound. omg shld i learn sth new, or shld i learn something that helps me to become a better dr and reg like that i need RIGHT NOW.hmmmm tough call. okok if i really get to go, i will be VERY GRATEFUL and amazed. coz i nearly almost gave up, then God gave me an idea out of nowheree.

maybe (?). we shall seee

things to do
- pay car bill
- sort out income tax
- log 101 things - ultrasounds, duty hrs, resus pts
- JOURNAL CLUB
- icem ppt
- submit my paper...
- nivresearch
- case report

not to mention study omg thank goodness i passsed my exams liao
but TOXICOLOGY/ ECG/ TRAUMA/ US/ EBM.

ok, at least one thing (sorta kinda) is a load off my mind

plan for tmr
- church
- MEDICAL REPORT
- SHIFT

then next day GYM (like i havent gone at all this month..) and NIGHT SHIFT
then clearly another post night shift
#exhaustedhamster
#forwhatitsworth
#thewordsiwouldsay

if i could talk to myself at many points...
~

If we were face to face,
I'd tell you these simple truths,
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

i run to you

the afters - i run to you When the road has left me empty When I'm broken, tired, down and out When the darkness feels too heavy Whe...