Monday, December 30, 2019

merciful plans/ 9%

looking at my laptop battery draining to 9%

yeah, laptop battery, i feel you

i have no idea how my battery drained so fast. ok. maybe i have some idea. tbh, i am no stranger to hard work and crazy crowds and working nonstop. i actually thrive on it in a crazy way. i was drawn to this crazy work ethic and battling busy days with my friends in emergency departments round the country is pretty much what i signed up for forever. i love feeling like i am making a small difference, helping this ocean one starfish at a time! 

but i have to say that sometimes, external forces wear us down. 
working nonstop and overtime, is TOTALLY DOABLE. as in personally, i have no problem at all doing it nonstop and way beyond what i need to do in terms of time or effort. i think we all know that. 

its the other things. 
the small or big injustices that wear on us. 
its things like, being appreciated as a human being, even though i might be working like a robot. 
it's things like, not being forced to celebrate a holiday i despise with all my heart, for a culture i dont feel i belong to at all, with people i dislike. 

its things like... just wish that, people would be understanding and realize that, i might look like a complete sloth, slothing away between shifts. it might look like i am basically a complete hobo with post night hair, no makeup, just woke up look, enjoying myself with languages or netflix or korean dramas. i probably look like those people in kdramas that are 30+ and still leech around at home (the kind that are gonna get some major breakthru and have a happy ending by the end of the kdrama... i hope so?). 

but what they dont understand is

that maybe the night before, i might have seen 20+ patients
i might have gone 8 or 9 or 10 hours with no food or drink or toilet break
yes, i love this. but that doesn't change the fact that, it is physically tiring

and people need to decompress
people need a few hours to feel human again, in between all of this

dont get me started on my research paper i have to rewrite, which i have no idea where to start
and then i am worried, if it sucks and it really gets published... isnt that ten times more paiseh. bleh

ANYWAY the point is, work by itself, over the years, has become slightly more manageable. i mean every time i go to a new posting be it new or old or pseudo-new, it will be stressful and takes some acclimatization and sometimes there is alot of preceding expectation and that also stresses me out yadayada. but there is no disputing the fact that residency with its clear year 1 to y5 and also the built in support system and camaraderie makes it a lot a lot better than the mopex years. the mopex years really were quite an existential crisis. so yeah. i can handle most things.

but on SOME days, like after working nonstop with no break for a LONG time, despite all the nice stuff about my life these days, if i am completely pushed to the brink on a personal level, by unreasonable people - YES. my sense of injustice CAN surface and i can get really shouty and debaterish. its probably good that i'm not a lawyer, cos the only arguments i ever win can probably be counted on one hand - usually those formal public debates i pre-script my jokes LOL. 

anyway i wanted to say that, these are the reasons my battery is now almost at 6% lol. 
and that more understanding in this life would be great
but i'm not sure i'll ever get it. 
i just look too much like a hobo leeching around when i am post night or post shift. no one in my personal life would ever believe that i might actually be a functional human being useful to society. they also clearly havent watched grays anatomy before. lol. 

BUT. i can be the bigger person, after a few days of angst. 
anyway, i usually lose arguments in real life anyways, so i am used to ignoring all these. 

this article was great :):)
When faith looks to the past and to the future, it says with David, “You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us” (Psalm 40:5). The past is full of his wondrous deeds. The future is full of his merciful plans.

No past can be a wasteland if Christ himself has walked there. No matter how much guilt in the years gone by, the ground bears the footprints of “the God who works wonders” (Judges 13:19). As we find ourselves rehearsing all the bitterness behind us, then, we need to tell ourselves the fuller story: “God has forgiven me; Christ has redeemed me; the past is full of his wondrous deeds.”
Do not miss the footprints of mercy.
Of course, the merciful plans God multiplies for us likely will be quite different from the plans we would multiply for ourselves. And we can thank God they will be, for we are poor planners, every one of us: we dream up seventy years of happiness, while God has eternity on his mind (Romans 8:18).
God’s merciful plans, then, should not lead us to expect days of untroubled serenity ahead — rather, days that will reveal more constellations of God’s glory to us, even if we must walk through deep darkness to see them. The most merciful plans of our God are those that bring us to say, whatever it takes, “Great is the Lord!” (Psalm 40:16).

Sunday, December 29, 2019

100%

Some days we dont function 100%

Today has been a dissociative fugue
A hide under a blanket in the rain kinda day

I mean i wish so many things
Eg
I wish ____ understood that medicine is busy and so i may not have the time or energy to do alot of things. That maybe i am supposed or not supposed to do. But oh well.

I wish they understood that i cannot get every public holiday off as an perm ed person, and i am unlikely to for ever tbh, cos i am gonna do ed forever. And actually u know what, i love ed so much it actually suits me fine!! I love working on ph actually! My fav shift is resus on my birthday! Been doing that a few yrs running. No one ever complained when i worked on my bday. Only when i miss some commitment on a public holiday i dislike anyway. Hmmm

But even tho i felt so so so crappy and down today and totally was abit mentally shaggedout and lagged and shutdown peripherally and centrally. Even though i felt so rained upon and slug like and brainfog. Somehow God managed to keep my pts safe, nice snrs, easy to clear cases. Thats the miracle! Ok it was crazy but somehow i survived. Well now i am still shagged out...
But tmr will be a better day! (I hope...)

Anyway.
I dont really know what to say
Somethings are easier than others
Some things make no sense and i would love to fight all the way for my moral highgrounds. My sense of injustice

But i learnt from a very early age that for some reason, these perceived justices... somehow fighting them all the way... it didnt work out.

But somehow, along the way, things kinda worked out. For the most part

So yea. There r some things i can do better. And there are also many ways i am right!  I wanna shout i am right from the rooftops! But who is listening? No one dude. You learnt this lesson yrs ago. Why bother.

Anyway, i am not sure what is the answer
Maybe tmr i will find it
Maybe tmr i will know what earthly object i can buy to make myself feel happier with retail therapy

In the meantime, dear God, thank u for keeping my pts safe and helping me to compartmentalize my life. Help me to compartmentalize it even more and at least be a good doctor, if not a good human being.

Ps God. I really hate the cny holiday. Can u cancel it and make it perm christmas pls. I love christmas so so much. Presents n carols and happiness! And best of all the unshakeable feeling that you are always there.


Tuesday, December 24, 2019

christmas eve musings

sitting here feeling very sleep deprived in general

pre evening shift on christmas eve, doing SAQ qns and listening to a christmas spotify playlist for da christmassy mood

uhh my saq is not done, it's due tmr, my project needs major revisions for the manuscript, and i realise i am v bad at research...
ITS OK. GOD WILL PROVIDE

that's what ___ told me the other day when i saw cases overtime as usual till i missed mass. oops..

aim for tmr: MAKE IT FOR CHRISTMAS DAY MASS

anyway merry christmas guys :):)

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Reflections on 2019!


 Jan 2019 

post night shift thoughts after ONE YEAR AWAY
one year is a LONG TIME but what stood out to me is the PEOPLE make a big difference. thats how you know you are homee~
"this is home, truly, where i know i must be..."

#thisishometruly #emed #ilovebasementmoroom

Feb 2019
AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! amazed and in awe of God's timing. 
~
small things along the way, like chancing upon a church open late at night for a 3day vigil prayer was really awesome. balm to the tired feet and tired soul.

#verytiredfeet 

Mar 2019

just now i drove to church for the first time in 2 weeks and i took the wrong way kinda and overshot. had to make a u turn. it was a good metaphor. sometimes we get distracted or life doesnt go perfectly the way we plan to. even if we are doing something perfectly legit like... going to church. BUT. God will always give us a way out, a way to u turn back, a second chance. STORY OF MY LIFE. 

~
i really would like to go to _____(eusemprague) because the pre conf workshops look AMAZING. disaster med. ultrasound. okok if i really get to go, i will be VERY GRATEFUL and amazed. coz i nearly almost gave up, then God gave me an idea out of nowhere.

#SPOILER: I WAS ABLE TO GO TO PRAGUE!! 

April 2019
i wish i could write something which is not just "i am so tired and exhausted". but oh well
~

sometimes i really so want to just HECK IT ALL and fly off to africa to join MSF. But yea i need to train to fix all the knowledge gaps i have, and procedural gaps *central lines cough * and then only when i am at a certain level, then i can think of going. 

May 2019

it has been fun having a student around. my latest student was really enjoyable to have around and i loved teaching stuff. so many proud moments like when a new mo came to ask how to do backslab and my student jumped up said "i know!!" and ran to teach him hahaha

#teachingportfolio #reflections

June 2019
STATS COMING OUT MY EARS
~
for your mercy never failed me
you have led me through the fire
and in the darkest night you are close like no other
your goodness is running after me
with my life laid down, im surrendered now
cause all my life You have been so so good

~
memories of a dark night trying to find the firelight, stumbling along in the dark (i dont even mean metaphorically lol. i mean LITERALLY). such a relief to have finally found the campfire light lol. those memories kept flashing across my mind

July 2019

ED at the mothershiphosp has been SO AMAZING, i lost count of how many times pple asked me am i r3 and gonna be reg soon. THANK YOU ALL for the trust and vote of confidence in me. thank you all for showing me how AWESOME emergency medicine is. i have done many postings in my lifetime, but ed at the big hosp is the bEST. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND literally. 

going back to CE, my first love, is both nostalgic in many ways, and stressful.
~

“And then I heard a voice say ‘ur gonna be ok’ and I knew that God was right there with me. And just like that, the wind and the waves of my circumstances fell away and peace began. I could finally breathe again. Not because circumstances changed, but God changed me” 

Aug 2019
in this life, i dont really believe in any human, least of all myself
i dont also believe in any knights
i believe in alot of nIGHT shifts and waiting for morning to come
spoiler: with God, THE MORNING ALWAYS COMES.
eventually.
even if you still have 5 unseen blue letters for a specialty you dont even specialize in.
anyway, eventually it comes, and eventually you find something you are vaguely good at

Sep 2019
just back from an awesome conference in the same land of waterfalls/rainbows/game of thrones

alot of pple kinda wondered why i took a bus instead of flying and there are a few reasons, one of which is i kinda wanted to prove to myself that i would take the right bus this time... for some reason, it meant alot to me. SPOILER ALERT. I TOOK THE RIGHT BUS. i DID NOT END UP IN BOSNIA. that being said, taking the scenic route was not bad. the sunrise in bosnia is really pretty ok. 

#bosniasunrise #scenicroute

Oct 2019
eurosimcup filled prague trip with side trips to castles and bookshops, was a lovely break from the daily grind.

And so it transpires
That at 30
- People still ask me if im a medical student
- the con however tells the kid "ok aunty will prepare ur prescription for u"
- it feels extremely freeing to know that the big boss up there has it all sorted out for us (eventually)

#turning30 #pragueissopretty

Nov 2019

HD has been very very educational as our boss is very keen on teaching but also very tiring!
1st week of HD was basically me being a calefare but 2nd week esp the last 2 days were so busy and crazy that i had to step up and my past self as peds mo together with my current evolution of emed/icu/foamed loving resident somehow combined well
~

Anyway all these are existential crises so i think we just focus on the here and now and getting thru each day. And learn to be a better emed doc and no harm learning some french for fun... and kettlebell swings and olympic lifts series and muscle ups and handstand walks on Wednesdays after emcc?

#foamedlovingresident #crossfitnewb

DEC 2019
I'm just a little bit afraid of where I'm going
I've lived enough to know
You're my constant in every moment
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant

Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it
I'm moving forward anyway with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That's all I need to know

#newpostingnewyromg
#anchorformysoul 

Saturday, December 7, 2019

constant

OMG. THIS SONG EXPRESSES IT SO WELL
~
I'm just a little bit afraid of where I'm going
And it feels like a hurricane is blowing over
Though I can't find the ground below
I've lived enough to know
I've lived enough to know
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it
I'm moving forward anyway with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
Before I was a thought on earth
You knew me then and You gave me worth
When all of this is said and done
You will be the One I'm standing on
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
My constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant

keeping me guessing

keeping me guessing - franscesca batistelli 
Coffee cup waking me up
I gotta board a plane
And fly away
sometimes it feels like I'm
going at the speed of light
Can't relax I'm movin' to fast
I wanna find the gold
But I don't have a map
I wish that I could know
What you've got in store for me
I try and try to read your mind
But I forget that patience is a virtue
Your teachin' me to hold on tight
And I don't know how the story ends
But I'll be alright cause you own it

I don't know where the highway bends
But I'm doing just fine
Cause your in control
Even when I don't know
Where my life's gonna go
You're keeping my guessing
Slow me down, show me around
I wanna see the world that I've been without
I am here and now the future is out of my hands
I trust in you and how you move
I won't forget that patience is a virtue
You're teaching me to hang on tight
Seasons come and seasons go
But you decide
You're in control
Even when I don't know
Where my life's gonna go

You're keeping me guessing
so long - francesca battistelli
I was wrapped up in my doubt
But all that changed when you came around
So long all that lonely living
That something that was missing isn't missing anymore
So long to the way that wasn't working
And the hurting that was all I knew
It's all gone so long as I have you
Still have the hard times when nothing's going right
Just wanna pull the covers over my head
You gave me a new perspective
When the days get heavy and I feel rejected
There's someone to run to
Since the day that I found you
So long to the mornings without meaning
The nights without sleeping
I'm right where I belong
~
hehe, i'm right where i belong, the nights without sleeping~
~
time in between
But it's the time in between
That brings me to my knees
Knowing you came for me
All that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank You for the time in between
Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again
But it's the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what you'll bring
And the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete
Still I'll sing in the time in between
So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all
It's the reason I believe
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank you for the time in between
Oh, Lord, I thank you for the time in between

Sunday, December 1, 2019

rewrite the stars

~

maybe some of it is jadedness maybe some of it is realism

~

ANYWAY to cut a looooong story short

my current aims for dec 2019 (omg its already december)

a) SETTLE ALL MY RESEARCH IF POSSIBLE
b) revise adult ed stuffs
c) go for at least 2-3 crossfit classes! learn some cool thing like muscle up or handstand walk hahahaha
d) run once
e) cook something
f) french class? once?

stop floating around aimlessly brainlessly netflixing hahaha
altho it is sometimes necessary..
for sanity

~

i also think that i have a small problem with retail therapy
i mean i am not like say VERY VERY shopaholic to the point of sophie kinsella's becky bloomwood in confessions of a shopaholic, but

definitely buying random stuffs makes me v happy LOL

like really random. like art stuffs, french books, online french courses or italki classes

its on one hand i acknowledge its not good to be completely reliant on retail therapy
on the other hand
SANITY

golden weekends

HD has been simultaneously v exciting and also a chance for me to chill on weekends and after 6pm on weekdays hence enabling me to do french class, crossfit etc. and also V EXHAUSTING cos once my head hits the pillow its just zzzz

it has been fun being the token calefare mo and then when needed jumping into action and my dormant peds mo past suddenly reactivating to enable me to do lps and full septic workups and neonatal plugs, plus my ed side coming into play when needed. 

HOWEVER in the middle of hd, sleeping, french, crossfit, i havent done much research or ed studying... so i have like 1 month to remedy it before i go back to adult ed

had a fun french class this morning. explaining "i dont see any big fracture now, but the radiologist will have a look and if there is any small fracture, i will call you tmr" turns out to be just as complicated in french as in english, if not more. 
also realized in french, remove and lift up sounds similar so
"pls elevate ur cast" = elever le platre
can be easily confused for
"pls remove ur cast" = enlever le platre

the teacher is very game to entertain me with my medical french hahahahaha

anyway i have a thousand things to do but i think i will just netflix now and sleep
LOL so exciting

Sunday, November 24, 2019

crossfit + french = the two loves of my life

oh plus emed. ok loves of my life oUTSIDE of work.

anyway cross posting this from the language forum i post on (ie the place that gives me language polygot wanderlust++++ but at least it prevents me from having physical travelling wanderlust which is VERY EXPENSIVE)

~

update on the past month!had total of 4 french classes so far on Italki!

2 with Tom - https://www.italki.com/teacher/1342497 - best so far, i like how he records his voice immediately then downloads it onto Teachee then I can download that deck into Anki. yesterday he was v strict with the pronounciation but i definitely need it!
He sets very specific goals so for me currently we are working on taking a medical history in French~ it was good fun and so helpful for real life! "we will do some blood tests and it will take one hour..." something i say literally daily x 15 haha.

1 with Lea - https://www.italki.com/teacher/2921308 - great as usual but I feel her lessons while fun, are a touch too difficult for me - she plays a video which i dont -quite- understand but then she goes through it slowly with me with games and is nice about my sputtering french haha

1 with Camille, not bad! with google docs and all (i love italki teachers who use a running google docs!) but it was just a trial lesson, so will have to see how (plus next month i dont have much time..)

Currently my French studying consists of
- anki decks with asssmil - either i record that audio phrase with my voice or use the assimil audio
- and learning french through crossfit! so i'm very into crossfit lately and just joined a crossfit box in my hometown, and am following the crossfit sanctionals which just started
after much poking around i found the youtube home of the crossfit french throwdown https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBI5PLTj60CtotBsr0Gf-GQ which has not only crossfit videos to watch for inspiration, it has some interviews/ links to french crossfitters youtube channels/ the workouts in pDF (with french and english instructions).
it's great inspiration for both crossfit and french!

learning phrases such as: L’athlète démarre devant sa barre chargée sans la toucher (The athlete starts in front of his loaded bar without touching it)
- clearly essential haha

aim for december 2019
- reach assimil 60 finally (plus lesson 10 in active wave) + anki decks + recording my own voice
- 2x italki lessons
- watch and translate 2 french crossfit videos!

its definitely you

the 2nd last of my golden weekends!

admin things suddenly start to creep up...

stats for nov so far
- 4 french online classes on italki!
- 1x bootcamp, 2x fundamentals classes at crossfit urban edge
- 2x gym with nic (WOD by me hahah), 1x spartan class by myself = 3x fitness first this month! - which has been my average for the past year LOL. hopefully 2x more this week then that will be breaking my PB
- cycling x 1

it has been FUN
but time to really do work now, i think...

aims for rest of nov and dec
- finish what research i can
- aim to go fitness first at least 3x/mth
- aim to go crossfit at least 1x/week (average 3x/mth)
- aim to run once!
- run code blue sim for med students
- aim to go church every sunday, make it for cmg christmas thingy
- get ce mini cex!!
- get case notes documentation for ce and HD sorted out...
- get my 3rd m&r dops signed off!!
- get hopefully 2x more sedations? that would make 12/15 then i only have 3 more sedations to settle in next 3 yrs haha
- revise adult stuffs, practice mmed osce with joanne
- study abem
- aim 2x french class per mth (in dec 2019)
- make it to church on christmas
- have a proper christmas dinner or brunch with turkey or roast chicken, cranberry sauce, stuffing, cooked by mE (need to hunt for recipes...)

ok very ambitious LOL
we shall see

Sunday, November 17, 2019

a billion stars

binging grays anatomy makes me feel like in med sch hahah

i loved when mer and alex chilled out talking about waffle sundays lol

made me think about the many many "persons" in my life. ok not many but few special people rather.  like the one person in a crowded room u can walk to and know u can talk random stuff to about anything at all and they will get u instantly. the one person u can wake up post night float to give u a lift (eh although it sounds v dangerous haha). the one person u can spend the whole day chilling with and feel like u are accepted and sixteen again HAHA how have we not changed one bit since we were sixteen! actually there are many people but these three somehow have stayed my friends even though they all knew me from n00btimes. and i really think God sent them my way!

anyway, life has lights and darknesses.. but anyway ive decided that WHATEVER IT IS i will take the high ground, and trust in God. cos maybe a few years ago it might have been me wallowing in angst but nowadays since i started on this road, maybe God's grace is just more evident to me everyday. so some things might be difficult but just bite my lip and be the bigger person, have the bigger heart. yeah there are alot of ways i still am lacking, its just that, i am not wallowing in that anymore for now. actually apart from this one miracle, i am still the same person, i didnt change in any way. i am still v inmature (but jaded, the two are different if u know what i mean? i compartmentalize very well, too well in fact). i still dont have any white knight coming on a horse.  the one difference is that i have more peace in my heart.

and that makes. ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

~

God above it all
In you I will believe
My life is in your hands
What you begin in me
You will complete

You light up the nights
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark

I will walk by faith
and not by sight
This I know
God is faithful

God who holds it all
You know my deepest need
So silence every fear
With perfect peace

When the darkness is great
You are greater
You will never let go
You will remain

Every battle I face
You are stronger
You alone are my hope
You'll make a way

You light up the night
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark
It sorta doesnt even surprise me anymore.

Ignore what the world says or thinks. Just follow the light in the darkness.

If God is for us, who can be against us?




Saturday, November 16, 2019

Hd wk 2

Has been very very educational as our boss is very keen on teaching but also very tiring!
1st week of HD was basically me being a calefare but 2nd week esp the last 2 days were so busy and crazy that i had to step up and my past self as peds mo together with my current evolution of emed/icu/foamed loving resident somehow combined well. Except i had to call the reg like 2x after rounds and left 1 hr late for our tgif party but ok at least we can sleep at night knowing we did the right thing!! Thats what i told my ho at least. And doing stuff and knowing the pts well enough to save the ho during our harried pm rounds feels so much nicer than my useless feeling during 1st week.

2 more weeks to go!!

I have also managed to enjoy muchly on the weekends and friday
Hanging out with friends, trying new gym classes, 2 italki french classes, cycling.

To the point i havent done much research for ages omg.
Need to get back into the groove!!

Just spent whole of today vertical on the bed feeling like a truck ran over me or i ran a marathon yesterday, or both together.

Had a french class today and the teacher earnestly asked me - so when will u be going to africa with msf? I know he needs to practically know so he can prepare the lessons lol but i got abit stunned HAHA. Like uh... yes... i do want to go but im not 100% sure if i can? It would be great but i at least need to exit first so 3.5 years more. And then no idea if God wants me to have kids and stay in sg...

Anyway all these are existential crises so i think we just focus on the here and now and getting thru each day. And learn to be a better emed doc and no harm learning some french for fun... and kettlebell swings and olympic lifts series and muscle ups and handstand walks on wednedays after emcc?

And everything else will, hopefully fall into place

Sunday, November 10, 2019

just hold on - citizen way

I'm tired so tired
But I'm still so far

So here I am I'm giving up
My will my plans
I choose to trust that
Everything You say You do You do
And every little Word You speak is true

And You say You say
Hold on hold on
I am right beside you
Don't you let go don't let go

I will never leave you
You never have to be afraid
I will be with you always
Stand tall stand tall
What could stand against you

I'll fight the fight here on my knees
I believe that
Everything You say You do You do
Every little word You speak is true


And You say You say
I'll hold on to Your promises
Though I don't know what lies ahead
You show Your faithfulness
Again and again and again

space to speak

Dear God, it's very difficult, becos i'm very jaded
and after so many times, it's nearly impossible for me to believe
or maybe i still believe too easily?
in humans
i dont know should i believe or not

but what i do know: that when we try our best to pray wisely and entrust you with these things small and big, no matter how it goes, you will always make sure that it turns out well
you will find some way to make it work out
maybe not right away, in Your time

how many times have you been faithful
and how many times have you carried me
you carry me still no matter
how many times

human love is difficult
but you are always there

with your help, may it work out, finally (??)

~
here we are, on top of the stars...
never thought we'd ever get this far
we come alive in moments like this

~
Every anxious thought that steals my breath
It's a heavy weight upon my chest
As I lie awake and wonder what the future will hold
Help me to remember that You're in control
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
I will lift my eyes
I will lift my cares
Lay them in Your hands
I'll leave them there
When the wind and waves are coming
You shelter me
Even though I'm in the storm, the storm is not in me
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord
I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
No power can come against me
'Cause You have overcome
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
No darkness can overwhelm me
'Cause You've already won
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh)
You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night
You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight
You are greater than the battle raging in my mind
I will trust You, Lord (Trust You, Lord)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
I will fear no more (Fear no more)
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
(Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh) I will fear no more
~
[Verse 1]
I think it's safe to say my life is too crowded
My heart buried under everything I've got to do
I need You
To clear away all the cranes from my skyline
Voices telling me I've gotta work my way to You
That's not true, oh

[Chorus]
I'm giving You space to speak
I'm giving You space to speak, oh, my God
It's just You and me
A little more room to breathe
A little more room to breathe, oh, my Lord
That's all I need

[Verse 2]
But as I wait, it feels like wasting
Precious time, like perfume poured on the floor
Forgive me, Lord, ohh

Speak, oh, speak to me now
Tenderly, quietly, it doesn't even need to be loud
Speak, oh, speak to me now
I know You're all around me, I just want to feel you here somehow


You're what I need
All I need
You're what I need
All that I need
~

[Verse 1]
Where can I go with all of my sadness?
Where can I hide away from the madness?
I run from You, but You remain true time after time
You've never failed to show me Your kindness

[Chorus]
Everything that I adore, everything I'm looking for
It's always, it's always been You
Everything I ever love leads me back to You, because
It's always, it's always been You
It's always been You

[Verse 2]
And still I look to Your creation
And I forget to see Your reflection
That the people I love and all I dream of are gifts from You
Lord, You should have all of my affection

And by Your hands and from Your heart
For Your glory from the start
This was always all for You
In love You called, You spoke my name
To know Your voice, to touch Your face
I was always made for You
So nothing else will do

[Outro]
It's always been You, yeah
It's always been You

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Reflections

Its a weekend!! I dont have to round im not on shift and im on my way to gym!!

And so it transpires
That at 30
- People still ask me if im a medical student
- the con however tells the kid "ok aunty will prepare ur prescription for u"
- it feels extremely freeing to know that the big boss up there has it all sorted out for us (eventually)

Things like
- enough money for a taxi ride home for a disillusioned jaded rudderless hopedrained sleepy overworked mo
- sudden gifts on aforementioned taxi ride, without the "i told u so!!!" But rather countless miracles
- free share-rella on the walk home, altho got scolded by a random guy in a car "hey! The umbrella is for sharing!! Not for bringing home!!"
Me "dude it is gonna rain anytime now i return it tmr lor"
Srsly. Felt like facepalming.
And anyway it didnt rain after all hahaha
- lift back to my car stranded in the work carpark, and making new friends!!

I remember pccf very clearly.. and i think it was God's way of ensuring my sanity in a crazy whirlwind time.
And i remember sunday school with all my hangups and feeling lonely and general teenage angst.
And yesterday after managing to make it to some ulu place for fellowship, prob one of my first actual catholic fellowships, felt quite amazing.

I wanted to go back to that 19yo trying to find God in the middle of that wintry storm but ended up getting distracted by all manner of teenage angst and issues, and tell her that, this hurt is going to end one day. That what seems before your eyes now, the kindergarden quarrels, the neverending winters, will one day be replaced by God's grace. And part of this is necessary but painful but you will make a really good choice first, a choice you dont want to make and you will blame others for making u make this choice at first, but later on u will realize - when u make this choice for love, when you endure a few seasons of loneliness, of being forgotten, of being replaced, of uncertainty, of being left behind in the waves of the big ships, others will forget you but God will be with you through it and give you something much much better.

Thursday, October 31, 2019

keeping tracK/ pre night shift musings #102

omg im subscribed to so many online things/ recurring payments im beginning to lose track
- emrap + NEW corependium! which looks so cool
- ecg weekly
- rosh [ok that's compulsory. hahah]
- glossika [think im gonna quit. tbh. but it was fun!]
- bearpro [so awesome for note taking]
- gym
- just signed up for 1 italki class hehe

previously
- kwqiz french

i also really want to sign up for
- crossfit
- fitnessbravo
- webarre
- adult ballet.
- more italki classes

i also wanna sleep all day
BUT also want to
gym
learn french
paint
do research
study

what i DONT want to to
take a difficult exam 6 months from now

haha

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

ok off to gym pre night shift then backfill a million downtime cases~

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

moments like this

musing on the turning 3-0 thingy

somehow turning a year older doesnt feel much different lol, ive been telling patients im (almost) 30 for awhile now cos i always get the YOU LOOK SO YOUNG, WHEN ARE YOU GRADUATING spiel. somehow in CE i dont get that leh, i get called aunty by random parents (and the cons... lol)

anyway it has been an exciting time overall, i'm not where i thought i would be, im somewhere a MILLION TIMES BETTER, following a plan God planned for me. i definitely didn't expect this in those early lonely days mugging in the science library haha. i did know i wasn't a morning person early on though. and this six months is really getting my fill of high fiving cute kids. more than i did my 1st 2 ce postings actually. cos then i was too nervous and anxious all the time about.. EVERYTHING. i remember having to eat chocolate after every shift, sitting at the taxi stand needing some time to unwind. reccently i went to 7-11 and the 2am cashier recognised me!! she said oH you long time never come here!! yeah man, you're telling me hahah. anyway, ED has made me generally more chill about stuff. not to mention the built in support network... its so awesome to know there are 7 other people in the same boat as you, going through the same postings and doing the same homework at the same time, having the same points of stress and angst sources.

well i have plenty of undone homework still, but ALOT I did ok. and the rainbow filled croatia trip WHERE I FINALLY GOT ON THE RIGHT BUS. sorry. i just had to prove the point to myself. as well as the uh, eurosimcup filled prague trip with side trips to castles and bookshops, were lovely breaks from the daily grind. came back to some downtimes, my very own prague URTI, and random loads of sedations. well. at least i feel like i'm doing my best. sometimes as juniors we feel so scared to clear case with seniors. then u can't sleep whole night cos ur having palpitations if you did the right thing or not. well after awhile i braved the fear to clear the cases all these years, half the time got scolded anyway, but i felt very mORAL HIGHGROUND. like ok maybe some deficiencies became obvious and they might think i am chui, or wonder why i am i clearing. but AT LEAST I AM ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. it is very impt. anyway nowadays, the fear of clearing is much less, for the most part. that makes it much much easier and better, and is one of the best things of being so old!

never thought i would say this but, THANK YOU GOD for the wait. the crazylong wait was very long, but it not only made me a better doctor, but a safer one as well. and i met 7 (plus many many more) awesome people.

now please if you could place the answers to the SAQ that is due tmr in either my brainspace, or a FOAMed site easily accessible or something, that would be great. and somehow help me overcome the activation energy to send some researchemail i keep procrastinating. and write the peds ce paper i also procrastinated. that would be really really amazing

but if not - at least just help me be a safe doctor and a slightly better human being than i am currently. although! i think all these years - all things considering, i did a good job of trying.

and to the friends that stayed despite knowing what i am like - thank you muchly. david, annthea, nic, my. you are truly the people that tolerated me at my most second inmature (although hopefully funniest and wittiest??) time of my life. and for those that i have lost contact with but are very much a fabric of my past and instrumental in my life like j, m, k, KS, C, wy, r. years on, i really look onto those years with a great dose of rose-colored visors. but truth be told, i think i was really inmature during that time of my life, and under a lot of stress. i did the best i could, which was not the best ever, but thank you guys for cheering me up through a lot of nonsensical angst, which made ALOT of sense at that time ok. thanks for tolerating me, and making me feel missed. i really did miss you all, when i left. please do remember that and the good times we all had together through rose colored visors too!

and of cos my cg and emed family! thank you for teaching me everything i currently know about medicine and emed!!

~
i will never forget
the moment i met you
the moment you called my name
pulled me out of the darkness
gave me a promise
to never thirst again

~
Here we are on top of the stars
Never thought we'd ever get this far
We live for moments like this
We come alive in moments like this

I try to take a breath. Thoughts racing through my head.
I try to capture it, but a picture can't hold what a heart is feeling.
I just wanna stop the world from spinning,
Slow it all down for a minute so that I can take it in.

the afters

~

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

rainbows = God's promise

so about 5 yrs ago i last made this journey: http://sunflowerjuice.blogspot.com/2014/04/little-star.html

"back from my travels! most exciting & beautiful trip ever haha. literally thank God for bringing us back home safe & sound. admiring amazing feats of nature, probably one of the most beautiful places on earth, and suddenly saw a rainbow out of the corner of my eye. 


something that crossed my mind very frequently is that there are many things i want to do for God & that he wants me to do for him (i know this sounds very presumptious coming from someone who has a dubious blood taking success rate buT i am of the firm opinion that in our own ways big or small we can all do something for God in some way or other okayy. i just need to find my way, and in around 5 days time that will become slightly clearer... haha). well He did bring me through all types of situations so i'm guessing there is lots awaiting for me to do :)"

yeah. it became much clearer haha
just back from an awesome conference in the same land of waterfalls/rainbows/game of thrones
i learnt alot and had alot of fun!! plus good food

alot of pple kinda wondered why i took a bus instead of flying and there are a few reasons, one of which is i kinda wanted to prove to myself that i would take the right bus this time... for some reason, it meant alot to me. SPOILER ALERT. I TOOK THE RIGHT BUS. i DID NOT END UP IN BOSNIA. that being said, taking the scenic route was not bad. the sunrise in bosnia is really pretty ok. 

ANYWAY back to reality
a million things to do

what i want to do
- sleep
- have brunch
- study korean
- study french

to do list
- create simulation scenarios 
- IRB
- email ___ re: our project
- paper 1
- paper 2
- pack bag (ok this is also under sth i want to do haha)

WHAT DO I EVEN DO FIRST
bleh

oh ya post night chill with netflix is so awesome

Thursday, September 12, 2019

a million ways

my FIRST DAY OFF IN THREE WEEKS
spent it as such
a) sleeping in (ok this is normal i do this on a working day too hehe)
b) gym!! interval training
c) retail therapy++ at orchard
d) research at academia

then later need to do loads of admin/ claiming stuff/logging things... later haha
and packing luggage

well better than some offdays which are admittedly spent netflixing hehehe
which is good too, there are different ways of decompressing for different days

~
"Becoming" - jason gray

I am miles from where I was
It's so far from where I wanna be
With each step I learn to trust
The maker is still making me

Life is a house full of rooms
Each door opens to another door
I can't walk into something new
Till I leave behind where I was before


Sorry for the days that I let you down
Thank you for the way that you stuck around
Giving me the grace to figure it out
While I was still learning to be found


'Cause I, I'm becoming
I, I'm becoming

It's progress, not perfection
Not arrival, it's direction
It's the living and the learning
Not the finish line but the journey

sanctus real - a million ways
Looking at my life from where I stand
Every joy and tear, I see Your hand
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done
There's a million ways You've been good to me
So many broken pieces mercy has redeemed
You never let me down, never left my side
I look back and find You've been faithful all my days
In a million ways
You have healed my heart from the deepest hurts
You have shown me grace more than I deserve
I won't forget how You've come through
I won't forget You always do
God I am Yours, You rescued me
What kind of love, how can it be
I won't forget how far I've come
I won't forget all that You've done

footprints

footprints - matt hammitt Oh, it's amazing, flipping these pages What's happened through all these years Down in the basement, lo...