Sunday, May 5, 2019

you by the light/is the greatest find

two days off in a row yay! after working practically nonstop for like forever

anyway it has been fun having a student around. my latest student was really enjoyable to have around and i loved teaching stuff. so many proud moments like when a new mo came to ask how to do backslab and my student jumped up said "i know!!" and ran to teach him hahaha

things to do
- atls precourse quiz
- research - gonna drive to lib now
- church
- gym (???)

things i wanna do
- sleep
- paint
- draw
- eat yummy food

random other things
- collate feedback
- more research
- study

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

up all night

random boppy song
i wish i could write something which is not just "i am so tired and exhausted" lol. but oh well
i wish a lot of things but sometimes its easier to just SUCK IT UP. we fight our battles in other ways, in other times. the world rolls on
and me ? im just chilling here with a basket of loaves + fish and trusting 
im just running along day or night with my zombie run app, feeling like a zombie most of the time. on an eternal chase as runner 5. 
was all chillin thinkin its my day off today then i checked my phone and its actually oFF STANDBY ONE. so hopefully i get no calls today coz i have a mountain of research and medical reports i owe pple... and homework... and i need to gyM
~
up all night - n flying
It’s already 4am
I was looking at my watch
I tried using the strength of alcohol
But it’s just one moment
I tried making some coffee
But I don’t know, I don’t know
It’s no use
Oh oh
I can’t sleep at the thought of you who left
Oh I still can’t erase you
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
I can only think of you
Sheep are jumping around in my head
I’m up all night, counting your stars
It’s beautiful, my thoughts are as big as the universe
But I’m looking for your star without any sleep
E, ay, if it’s not me, Ba, Baby, no one is right for you
So look at me, every day
Do you know how I feel
It’s useless to try to forget you
Once again, I’m counting sheep
Oh oh No more
I wish it would at least rain
Oh No more
So I can wash you all away
You keep me up all night
I can’t sleep
The night is so cruelly long
You keep me up all night
Now I don’t even know when the day ends or starts
It’s an endless night
All the times spent looking for you
I was so foolish
There’s no meaning anymore
I’m gonna end it all
You keep me up all night
No more nights of calling out to you alone
You keep me up all night
This is the last moment I spend, letting you go tonight
Found the conclusion tonight
Erasing everything

Monday, April 22, 2019

coffee dreams

happy easter everyone!

life has been uh EVENTFUL lately and i have worked 1.5mths with no break largely due to alot of projects, m and m, homework etc, events. so VERY TIRED AND EXHAUSTED but, today sitting outside church at my favourite spot on easter sunday, post night, i was able to take a break from the relentless tide of life. leaning next to the 5 loaves and 2 fishes mural, always gives me hope

i remember years ago when i was mopexing around and i told one of my juniors that i wasnt afraid becos God has a plan hopefully like the story of 5 loves and 2 fishes, He would provide for me somehow. but truth be told, i was VERY AFRAID, i just needed to say that so as to keep the fear at bay. i am totally not perfect in my faith just that... if i dont have something to hold on to, then i wouldnt be able to survive the uncertainty

so its always comforting to sit next to that mural in church haha. like a constant reminder: GOD WILL PROVIDE. I WILL NOT STARVE. MY PATIENTS ARE GONNA BE OK. whatever ok means. I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.

found this song, which puts it very nicely i think



A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand
The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed
But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
He said:
"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"
I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all
But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer
So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small
I trust in you
I trust in you
So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small
~

this gift is small, my burdens, fears and inhibitions are large. my ambitions... well ok i have already reached the peak of my ambition. become an ed trainee was the main ambition lol. but i still need the miracles, nearly on a daily basis. 
so do with it as you will, my five loaves and two fishes
i surrender

this lenten season has not been easy. it has been figuratively and literally sleepless as i did random ppts at odd hrs of the days and nights. but tell me abt it, i have had MANY OTHER very exhausting lenten seasons. i guess Jesus also had a hard 40 days and nights in the desert and wilderness so...

sometimes i really so want to just HECK IT ALL and fly off to africa to join MSF. but yea. i also know that is just pure escapism. i need to train to fix all the knowledge gaps i have, and procedural gaps *central lines cough * and then only when i am at a certain level, then i can think of going. and yea it doesnt solve anythin just to fly off and escape everything. actually its just throwing 1 starfish into the sea at the time. but actually i have no aims to change the world. i think changing the world is no picnic either

sometimes all we can do, whereever in the world we are, is to just keep standing by the shore, picking up one starfish at a time and putting it back into the sea

talking to each starfish, being a friend to it

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

emoji of a wave

spending my day off in acad lib doin research haha

but yay! day off!

also checking out zombies run, seems like a cool app. i rly shld gym and run more.
they have a new virtual race thingy which sounds v cool. and the youtube teaser has a very strong scottish accent. maybe its pavlov theory or what but to this day i feel quite nostalgic whenever i hear a strong scottish accent hahah.


Sunday, April 7, 2019

you're my flashlight

to do list
- prepare for m&m
- research X 10000 (totally bit more off than i can chew)
- prepare for journal club

WHICH TO DO FIRST omg

ok tonight - m and m 1st draft
sun and mon errr maybe do research before shift. then work both days
tues - day off! crafd course. email Dr J m and m draft!!
wed - resus, teaching, GYM
thurs - paper finalish draft. NIGHT.
fri - post night. DO JOURNAL CLUB HW

ok that seems like a doable schedule. hAHA. hope it works
i also have to log a million things but 

srsly if not for wednesday half days, no idea how i'd survive. it would just be days and nights bleeding indistinguishably into each other. more nights than days (literally) 
'


this is so addictve for some reason

~
When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of
The things that I don't know
When tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes
And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found,
I lost hope that I won't fly
And I sing along, 
I got all I need when I got you and I
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
'Cause you're my flashlight (flashlight)
I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
'Cause you light the way
I got all I need when I got you and I
~

Saturday, March 30, 2019

love will find u where u are

post night musings for the thousandth time

sometimes it feels more like extreme exhaustion, rather than extreme medicine. hahah those halycon days spent doing quizzes in skh ed, on quiet nights browsing the internet looking at extreme medicine courses (when we still had internet). back when i still was new to adult ed and was studying "causes of chest pain, approach to SOB" hahah it feels like i was so young and idealistic then, when actually i was completely jaded beyond belief. funny how i feel happier and younger after working like for 5 years + now compared to when i was just a baby peds mo. life works in truly strange ways

anyway i was supposed to do chill and fun stuff today post night BUT i fell asleep. deep asleep. and thus my post night day was spent.

but i think ? God might be helping me with something i really want... of course it is always up to Him. His way is always the best way, i trust and accept that.

years after this song wouldnt stop ringing in my ears during the 2nd time i took the frcem primary exam, it never gets old... everytime i need to do something impt and desperately need to find some peace and courage, i cue up this song on my beloved spotify playlist. "you and i we can make it through make it through"

i really would like to go to _____ because the pre conf workshops look AMAZING. disaster med. ultrasound. omg shld i learn sth new, or shld i learn something that helps me to become a better dr and reg like that i need RIGHT NOW.hmmmm tough call. okok if i really get to go, i will be VERY GRATEFUL and amazed. coz i nearly almost gave up, then God gave me an idea out of nowheree.

maybe (?). we shall seee

things to do
- pay car bill
- sort out income tax
- log 101 things - ultrasounds, duty hrs, resus pts
- JOURNAL CLUB
- icem ppt
- submit my paper...
- nivresearch
- case report

not to mention study omg thank goodness i passsed my exams liao
but TOXICOLOGY/ ECG/ TRAUMA/ US/ EBM.

ok, at least one thing (sorta kinda) is a load off my mind

plan for tmr
- church
- MEDICAL REPORT
- SHIFT

then next day GYM (like i havent gone at all this month..) and NIGHT SHIFT
then clearly another post night shift
#exhaustedhamster
#forwhatitsworth
#thewordsiwouldsay

if i could talk to myself at many points...
~

If we were face to face,
I'd tell you these simple truths,
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Thursday, March 28, 2019

thursday

its thursday but it feels like a weekend LOL

#whyiloveEM

ok kidding, had a course today so it was like... wake up late... go for course... come back chill, do research and read about hard and soft signs of neck injury
not to mention podcasting EMRAP on the drive to hosp and back! on penetrating neck trauma and the hypotensive patient post cardiac arrest

ie productive day!

ok... i still have way more research to do, miles and miles to go before i sleep.

but im sitting here watching a korean variety show abt a hostel in spain

its really enjoyable but a lil bittersweet coz sometimes i feel sad i couldnt go to spain sigh but YKNOW WHAT. GOD HAS A PLAN and coz i couldnt go then, He gave me one of my fav variety shows to watch! so i can sit here in the air conditioned comfort of home and binge watch tv

maybe one day, maybe. then again maybe not. but its ok coz of everything ELSE He gave me, instead (i guess you could say that). which is... a lot of stuff.

just had to say that. watching this show made me very acutely aware of the goodness of God (in a roundabout way). and know that, when God doesnt give you something, its usually for a very good reason.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

fountains/ all my hope is built on your love

The apostle Paul faced many hardships but believed that what is unseen will last forever. He said how his “momentary troubles” achieve “an eternal glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17). Thus he could fix his eyes “not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,” because what is unseen is eternal (v. 18). Paul yearned that the Corinthians and our faith would grow, and although we suffer, that we too would trust in God. We might not be able to see Him, but we can believe He is renewing us day by day (v. 16).
And I hoped the next time I was tempted to believe that God was far from me, I would fix my eyes on what is unseen.
Lord God, sometimes I feel like You’re far from me. Help me to believe the truth that You are ever near, whether I feel Your presence or not. 
What does it mean for you to fix your eyes on what is unseen? How does your hope in Jesus help you face the difficulties of life?
~
nicole nordeman 
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open

To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me

Could get in the way
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
~
you were with me as i ran through the snowy meadows, you were with me as i sent up prayer missives from my third floor room overlooking the rooftops, you were with me as i cried in a stairwell all alone, you were with me when i walked into an LT of strangers for the very first time (thinking to myself that as long as i was back home it didnt really matter if i had any friends or not, BUT you sent some AWESOME friends who are still my friends to this very day. in fact hung out with c having cgh starbucks coffee halfway during acp day haha . you cured me of my bad habits of pangsehing people too, who would have thought!!). you were with me as i slogged through the trenches in basements of various hospitals, and found such untold happiness and excitements in aforementioned basements. you were with me as i faced overwhelming uncertainties and faced a crazy eye learning curve. you were with me as i did call after EOD eye calls in what seemed like a winter that would never end. 
and now as i face the feeling of impostor syndrome ++ and knowing there is SO MUCH i do not know, unknown unknowns and known unknowns, drowning in research as always, research qns coming out my ears, working nonstop for 12days with no break (except a midweek excursion to play escape the room... then doing a practice resus shift as reg with P plate - like LOL SO RANDOM. but VERY FUN. i had to prime all the nurses that i was doing this practice resus shift and they were v amuseD. ) 
all my hope is in you Lord/ my hope is built on your love
just now i drove to church for the first time in 2 weeks (read: working nonstop for 12days plus). and ummm i took the wrong way kinda and overshot (also carpark was fuil). had to make a u turn. it was kinda a good metaphor. sometimes we get distracted or life doesnt go perfectly the way we plan to. even if we are doing something perfectly legit like... going to church. BUT. God will always give us a way out, a way to u turn back, a second chance.STORY OF MY LIFE. 
~
josh baldwin - fountains 
I will never forget
The moment I met you
The moment you called my name
Pulled me out of the darkness
Gave me a promise
To never thirst again
All that I ever wanted
My heart has found in you
I have tasted life
Nothing satisfies
Like you do
The fount that won't run dry
Nothing satisfies like you do
I want all that You offer
Your living water
Drink from the endless well
I will sit at your table
Forever grateful
Forever where You plan
All my fountains are in
All my hope is built on your love
All my fountains are in you
With every breath I live for you Lord
~
josh baldwin-peace
Verse 1: In a land of my heart
In the fathoms of my soul
When the waters of my fears begin to rise
I feel your love taking hold
In the valley of my mind
On the road of the unknown
When the shadows of my doubts are closing in
You are the light that brings me home

Chorus: And when I'm breathing
I don't understand
But I can feel it
Every waking moment
In your presence
This peace won't let me go
There is freedom
Laying all my worries
At your feet again
Even in my struggle
I'm surrendering
Your peace wont let me go

Verse 2: When my strength is nearly gone
When my wells have all run dry
It's your kindness that will lead me to your arms
Where I find grace that you've supplied

Bridge:
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
Surely all that you've promised
You're so much more than I can see
I will rest in the assurance that I have all I need
Here in the Father's peace

Thursday, March 14, 2019

never stopped loving me

never stopped loving me - Jeremy camp
You kept on calling my name
Through all my darkness and haze
Even when I had fell apart
You held me close to Your heart
When I have gone astray
How You would chase me
When I was so afraid
You would embrace me
You never stopped loving
You never stopped loving me
Over and over again
You prove a faithful friend
From here, You'll never turn away
'Cause You're love, You cannot forsake
You moved heaven and earth
The cross, You have endured
I am the joy in Your eyes
You never stopped loving me


waking up to this, puts peace in my heart

humans are... humans but God is always awesome, always there

I CAN DO IT!!
whatever it is

- log cases
- somehow get 150 ultrasounds
- somehow get 7 more lines
- somehow settle outstanding research x 100 

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

hot cross buns

Day 7: Fasting Is Hard
It can be easy to mess up during Lent. That's kind of the point, though—right? Fasting reveals that we are weak, which allows us to see how God is strong. 
~

well. im not gonna lie, lent is ALWAYS hard. im not very sure why but. i guess we always live in hope that easter sunday is gonna come! and that God will always be the light in darkness. 

so many things to do and SO LITTLE TIME

i just wanna go join mSF tmr and live my life to the fullest now sometimes haha. but even i know that is escapism. and i need to prepare myself better. so many things i obviously dont know. and so many unknown unknownS

just trust God

painting for me is such a blessed escape from life. its also very quick and easy (since i bought all the paints liao). it makes me feel very happy and uses another side of my brain haha. 

ok. WORK
~
oh yeah lenten resolutions...
uh i guess, no studying languages til easter sunday (french + korean) --> anyway no time for now haha
to LOG ULTRASOUNDS
to hit quota and still be a good doctor (and a good person)
to be a good person

actually these r things we shld do everyday (except languages which is more of a necessity that have to hold of for now. haha)

Saturday, February 23, 2019

on rainbows and waterfalls

AM COMPLETELY AMAZED that i passed the mcem osce!! a journey that i first started in july 2016 haha so it took about... 2.5 years to clear the 3 exams. a journey i never anticipated that i would embark on but somehow once i stepped into adult ed 2.5years ago, everything started happening very fast. some things have been very stressful and not easy but also God has definitely helped ALOT, beyond anything i could ever ask for or imagine. 

FRCEM Primary: http://sunflowerjuice.blogspot.com/2017/07/my-everything-and-all-you-have-begun.html --> I rmb when i first got the news i was drowning in p3 queues haha 
FRCEM intermediate:  http://sunflowerjuice.blogspot.com/2018/04/weekend-musings-2.html --> similarly i was drowning in an eye clinic on the day frcem intermediate results came out. to the point that i could only check the results on the train ride home 

amazed and in awe of God's timing. 

to be fair, i also know that there are a million things more to be learned *cough central lines *cough difficult iv plug setting, not to mention ed intubations are slightly diff from anes coz anes everything is very controlled, in ed, intubations happen faster and u cant really predict what you are going to face. which is why u shld always PREPARE and ANTICIPATE what u can. and there is still ABEM to mug for in 1 weeks' time... which i havent really mugged for coz ive been caught up in research things. and last night i read the full comments from my anes posting which were UHHH. not sure what to say about it except that my boss was very very nice about it ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. 

but nevertheless, its great to know for myself that in the past 2.5years, i've somehow managed to reach a level where i can clear the emed intermediate exams with a combination of tutorials, teachings, daily twitter FOAMed browsing and last min pre exam mugging haha. its great to know that. 

hopefully i can somehow level up and become a pokemon master somedaY. with God's help, i KNOW it's possible. since the day i stepped into adult ED approximately 2.5years ago, God has been helping me all the way, opening doors, saving me regularly from myself, dragging me through EOD calls and giving me a bunch of awesome friends and mentors. so i might not have much faith in my own abilities but i definitely have faith in God helping me to level uP, somehow, someday

Friday, February 15, 2019

the redeemer

the redeemer - sanctus real
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win But I'm still a dreamer, a believer Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You 'Cause You can make anything new Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You 'Cause You can make anything new I don't have every answer in life But I'm trusting You one day at a time this is where Heaven and Earth collide I lift my hands and give my life This is how my weary heart stays alive Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide) (I lift my hands and give my life) Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive) Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide) (I lift my voice and give my life) The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh) 'Cause You can make anything new Yeah, You can make anything new
~

this is just the song i needed to hear today
sitting in library trying to do a lit review
and there was a MASSIVE CNY party right next to the library - thankfully it just ended, so peace and quiet now~ wah i tell you. SO DISTRACTING TO THE MAX.
the consoling thing abt this 2 weeks is that im not actually responsible for the eye pts
but i must say i get super antsy and keep wanting to jump up to do the stuff. like WAIT CANNOT DILATE BEFORE CHECKING RAPD hahaha


~

coz im still a dreamer....
oh i lost my faith in so many things but i still believe in u
oh ive given up on so many things, but im not giving up on u...
~

i wish i cld say life was all peaches and cream but, humans are humans
what i have is good enough, if i psyche myself and inner cheerleader very often
yeah alot of anxious thoughts, imposter syndrome thoughts keep flying thru my mind
but just a quick memory of running thru the meadows on a snowy desperate day always reminds me of God's grace and blessings

i guess i wish people including myself were perfecter
if i could count how many times ive given up on myself/others, how many times ive lost my faith in others or myself, i'd be rich by now

i guess we still have expectations of what is right and... not everyone has the same expectations?
thats the only way i can explain it

well, theres nothing i can do about it. the only person i can change is myself and thats difficult enough alr HAHA. no point trying to change others too.

maybe one day God will help me sort my life out
as for now i am sleepy, not motivated, stressed, anxious, have alot of research to do.

*inner cheerleader
i can do it!!

Sunday, February 10, 2019

all of my plans, all of my dreams/ i submit to your design

chanced upon these songs completely by chance when trying to google lyrics for sidewalk prophets's song give it all away

what a beautiful find on a nearly rainy sunday afternoon
i specially like the boppy music in the song "i will wait"

just come off a week of tiring work nonstop and finally have 1 day off. the cases weren't difficult and bosses were nice. with slight overtime, nothing too massive, i managed to hit a respectable number of cases while being safe. dont think the bosses think that i am super chui, seems that finally managing to get back into the groove after 1 yr away from clinical em. altho i also know i have a LONG WAY to go and much to mug and do too. but - shall give thanks for small mercies. there were some small things along the way - but those are small things. overall it was a tiring week but i feel i did give it my best and surviveD. despite going TWO HOURS early for my resus shift.

of cos life sometimes throws curveballs. which can hurt alot too. but whats new
sitting here having love pouring thru my headphones as ever

i guess. i have been very lucky in that God is always saving me from myself.
human love is unfortunately much more complicated and not as pure as God's love
but. i guess if God has given me so much love, grace and blessings, i can put aside my prideful feelings and try to love others the way he has loved me. its not always easy for a variety of reasons. but somehow, i think with God backing me up i can do it
~

give it all away - aaron shust
Search my heart, search my mind
Search my soul
Make me clean, make me new
Make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now, submit to Your design

'Cause You are the one and only one
Who dared to give it all away for me
You are my strength, You are my God
You are my King

You make me laugh, You make me dance
You make me sing

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now, submit to Your design

You never change but You rearrange
My heart more everyday

'Cause You are the one
Who can make my life complete

my hope is in you - aaron shust

I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, yeah

i will wait- aaron shust
When I am tired You bring me comfort
(I will wait; I will wait for You)
When I am weak You give me strength
You give me wings like an eagle
When I'm alone You bring me peace
I will wait for Your mercy
I will wait for Your plan to unfold

I will wait for Your mercies are new every morning
When I am wounded You heal my broken bones
And when I sing You fill my heart with joy
And when I fear the unknown You give me peace
And when I call, You always answer me

We wait for You like watchmen wait for morning
We wait for You like creation waits for spring
We wait for You knowing sometimes without warning

You reveal Your plan in ways that maybe we don't understand

this song pouring thru my earphones was really. pure love
could feel God's love so strongly as this was playing.

never been a greater love - aaron shust
There is nothing in this world
That means as much to me
Than the fact that You came looking
In my hour of desperate need

I was lost but then You found me
Giver of hope when all is hopeless
When i was picking up the scraps
Lord, You never stop pursuing

Never give up when dreams collapse
We have been touched by grace amazing
You gave it all to buy us back
It's who You are
Who You are

You are the author of salvation
Perfecter of our faith
The God of restoration
You've covered us with grace
There has never been a greater love

Never a gift has been so lovely
Never a love has been so pure
I can't imagine ever finding
Somebody else who loves us more

Even though we cannot repay You
We'll give our lives in the pursuit
Of who You are
Jesus, You're so wonderful
Oh how wonderful You are

~
in my many hours of desperations, You always came looking for me
giver of hope when all is hopeless, when i am picking up the scraps
never has a love been so pure
i was lost but then u found me
~


Saturday, February 2, 2019

for what it's worth

one of my fav phrases - its actually a song title i just found out haha.

ANYWAY. at this random time in the morning a million thoughts are running through my jetlagged mind

it's back to work soon, thankful for this short break from work, much needed after my vigorous TWO DAYS of mugging. the more i live this life, the more i am literally breathless at God's mercies. it's really there i go but for the grace of God.

for what it's worth - sidewalk prophets

For what it's worth 
I'll give all that I have 
Without ever looking back I'll follow you
I can't sing loud enough 
I'm just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
For what it's worth 
I am standing here amazed 
By the wonders that Your mighty hands have made
I don't deserve 
To be covered by Your grace 
So with every breath the least that I can say 
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I will give my all to You my king 
There is nothing more that you ask of me 
I will lift will lift my voice, and I will sing 
There is nothing more that I can give a king 
I will lift my voice, I will lift my voice

~
things to do in the upcoming few weeks/months
- spring cleaning (i just submitted 3 cny inspired spring cleaning poems from over the past few years to the poetry journal i keep spamming. LOL wanted to laugh just reading at all the poems ive spammed them over the years). many many dust mite poems. many vaccum cleaning poems. many poems abt pineapple tarts.

- oh yeah, write more poetry, that can only be a good thing.

- STUDY for ABEM. go to novenabookstore and buy tons of books
- request my 101 requests for march
- apply TL for all the various thingies
- LOG stuff

- survive everyday shifts. guys. it is NOT EASY livin up to them expectations. but i have survived until PGY-cannot-count-already (never expected to be laughing abt this over coffee at APLS with my fellow batchmates wahaha but heY at least i can tell pts that i am nearly 30 when they ask. it helps ok.).anyway the point is. it is definitely true that i appreciate the 2nd (well uncountable) chance that i have been given, VERY MUCH. so i will do everything i can to live up to the expectations of the kind people that helped me to this point. and without ZY/ TC/ DG i seriously dont know how i could have gotten this far through all the various hurdles to this point. u guys are awesomeness

- aim to gym tomorrow. and hopefully 3x/ month. God has been really good in that since i started ED abt 2years plus ago (ok 3 years if u count ce), i haven't really needed to gym very much haha. i was totally addicted to it years ago when i was in med sch i admit, but that was also out of neccessity. now that i generally spend my days running around in circles for various reasons, jumping up and down in excitability, and not eating so as to meet the quota (sometimes i just heck care. and take some time to go eat and then see one less. then feel VERY SAD), guess what, i only need to gym 3x a month to feel human. and when i say feel human, its actually more for de-stressing and happy endorphins rather than needing it for actual weight loss. this is terrible in the sense that it's not a very money- saving endeavour to NOT go to the gym, but it actually makes me really happy to have a free hour to myself to actually make it to my happy place, the gym, so.... OK anyway so i vow to try and gym more, that can only be a good thing!

- general aims: to continue to be a good human being and maintain SANITY. its not always easy but keep on remembering how God regularly saves me from myself.

oh yeah that being said - exam. what can i say. God, if it is your will, may i pass this exam. i tried my best. not sure what is the meaning of my best, but, at this point of my life, and all the postings i had passed through so far, that is really the best that i could have done. thank u for the memorable practices that i had with my friends. thank u for the kind seniors who spent saturdays and preshift and post shift times and post nights to teach us. thank u for using this exam to keep me up to date with ED during the 1 year away i spent from ed. i can barely live up to the ginormous expectations now let alone if i hadnt been having like a gazillion resus tutorials all this time?! You always know what is best (even tho the studying was painful and the mock exam was really really paiseh for me. and the last minute studying was like... near- hemetemesis level.).



Friday, February 1, 2019

a billion stars




a billion stars - one sonic society
God above it all
In you I will believe
What you begin in me
You will complete

You light up the nights
With a billion stars
Surely you'll light my way
When the road gets dark

I will walk by faith
and not by sight
This I know
God is faithful

God who holds it all
You know my deepest need
So silence every fear
With perfect peace

When the darkness is great
You are greater
You will never let go
You will remain

Every battle I face
You are stronger
You alone are my hope
You'll make a way
~
and so we keep on going on
twas a good break from work, and going back to the basics and being thorough and learning loads of procedures and having multiple resus tuts really made me a better doctor.
small things along the way, like chancing upon a church open late at night for a 3day virgil prayer was really awesome. balm to the tired feet and tired soul.

there are still so many things in life to DO but i'm getting there, somehow, someday
glad for the little things in life that continuously remind me that despite it all, God is still with me
glad for the friends he sent along the way! whatsapp msgs popping up like flowers after the rain, kind good luck wishes from friends - one of the best things of this is the friends i made along the way.

next up - massive spring cleaning for cny, more mugging for abem!!
we can do this!!

Saturday, January 26, 2019

all who need rest/ all who are lonely/ come to me

you see everything i go through 
and listen to the broken words i pray 
i know you and i we can make it through, make it through
i'm with you.... 
all this time you've been walking beside me
waiting for the day I'd call your name 
- i'm with you by kutless 

somewhere out there is a version of me that is exhausted and fearful and stressed and unprepared....
and then there is the version of me that is chilling pre-flight and trusting in God's grace and mercy

my duty is to MUG the medical studentphysical exams +++ now. it shldnt be too hard as YJ has trained me well during our M5 mugging sessions so the memory shld be deep in the vaults of my brain. hehe thinking of all the shennigans during the m5 times going around the wards clerking pts make me giggle
some gems: when we were late for tut coz had a really good case and me and YJ ran ALL the way to tut then yj had to present on a case of SOB while being SOB from the running
when we were in our ed posting and someone dropped their phone into a huge bag of the pts belongings MALU +++
when we were at day surgery trying to find ganglion for shortcase and saw the wrong list so did a hand exam on a pt that came for another surgery (ie a normal hand exam, which is also ok just funny haha) and was wondering if we missed the ganglion? then some prof came along to chat with his pt and started laughing at us. and then brought us through a short tutorial anyway

if i pass this ed reg exam, loads of it is due to the BEST m5 clerking partner ever YJ!

anyway, i will mug what i can humanly mug now. then hope that God's grace will see me through, if i am deserving of it.

if we've ever needed you, it's now....


you by the light/is the greatest find

two days off in a row yay! after working practically nonstop for like forever anyway it has been fun having a student around. my latest st...