Sunday, December 16, 2018

reflections on 2018

this edited version expresses rather well how this crazy (but intermittently fun) year has been haha. its funny how perspective of the same thing changes between my midyear reflections and how the year pans out at the end of the year. this version better appreciates the nuances of my waiting in the beginning of the year, not dissimilar to waiting for Godot, which turned to joy and rejoicing, and then back to real life - watching ecg rhythmns on steroids dance across the screens of life. but still very much depending on divine intervention to fix everything, through it all.

jan 2018
just plodding along in this time and place
bleary eyed mornings, taking the train home in the evenings like a quashed tuna sandwich
dreaming of mountains with wide open expanses, the first snow crunching underneath my feet, footprints in the snow, the salmon leaping up the rivers in the summers

feb 2018
I once saw a peek of the way in a taxi post night shift but since then I think I've fallen off the road so far and so hard and the winds and desert storms and life just came in and I haven't been able to find my way back

mar 2018
Indeed it is true... man can make his own plans, but in the end it is the Lord's way that prevails... and usually God answers our prayers in a manner FAR FAR BETTER than we could EVER EXPECT. (it also took a long time as when i was reading back my old posts, some of the posts were written like nearly 300+ days ago. that is a LONG TIME of waiting and i wont lie the time felt really long too haha

april 2018
two months more to go and i know God is with me. He is always with us in the darkest times, when we feel like we can't hold on anymore. He is with us through the night "you and i we will make it through/ make it through"


may 2018
i dont know why it takes so long for me to feel human after each call. last night was up at strange hours watching zdoggmd lol
and his tedmed talk on feeling like a zombie wearing a steth REALLY RESONATED WITH ME
but sadly as i stalk the corridors at 1am with my portable slit lamp... i dont even wear a steth LOL.
at least he has a steth filled with bacteria. i dont even remember when is the last time i took my steth out of my bag

june 2018
the me now knows - it is God that dragged me along in the snow all these years, to this start line. and He won't leave me here now. this is just the beginning and He will be with me for the next 5 years too.

i still believe in the goodness of God and yes it is amazing that after all these yrs i never lost my God. so going for a 3 call week now. see you guys on the other side! God will bring me through safely. i TRUST in Him.

july 2018

first week of emresidency!
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
I believe that one day I will see Your kingdom come
And I wanna hear You say, "Welcome home my child, well done"

aug 2018
Its national day and im actually leaving hospital in warm sunshine!! Very very rare.
Grateful for the bosses peers nurses and rts in icu who have guided me through the 1st week. Esp for the rts!! Super invaluable. When the rts are nervous abt an airway u know its really a difficult airway...

sept 2018
walking out of cgh after literally living there for 6 mths felt very strange and epic for some reason - for a few mins - then i was too shag and sleepy, couldnt philosophize anymore then got into the cab and slept all the way home.

not forgetting, running to codes with D. Who would have thought we would level up from those nights spent at serene center mcD studying maths, to running to codes?! God's amazing grace and his foresight in providing me friends for the way never fails to amaze me. Thank u for being there and helping me to never lose my God.
All my life I longed to be a hero
My sword raised high, running to the battle
I was gonna take giants down
Deep in my chest is the heart of a warrior

something abt the first paragraph makes me think of running to code blues. #borntobeED

oct 2018
the most important lesson i learnt from anesthesia is this: being kind to the people around you, IS the most important and best thing you could do. i'm not sure if that is the lesson they meant me to learn, but i am very grateful to that one consultant who guided a stressed out, baby mo through an adult LP

nov 2018
the life well lived doesnt have to be a life well examined only through poetry. you can examine your life in a dimly lit atmospheric japanese hole in the wall restaurant surrounded by sake bottles  with copious amounts of green tea to wash away all traces of stress. and then the week will start again with gases, machines to be checked, or machines that self check. putting the whole ot to sleep inadvertently because of the way you hold the mask.

dec 2018
(on sicu calls) shant talk about how my innergeek ocd traits made me sit in front of the monitors all night staring at the strange ecg rhythms flying across the screens. that even the computer gave up reading and started calling it UNKNOWN ECG RHYTHM. you are telling me, computer.

something i have learnt from my 29 yrs of existance is that... humanly trying doesn't help very much, it's boats beating against the current but staying still. what usually works is pure DIVINE INTERVENTION

And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe

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