Sunday, December 23, 2018

In the sea of doubt/keep your sails high/and ride it out

The wind will take u where ur meant to be
And when its over u will clearly see

Ive spent many hours pondering what is happiness and joy and such

And one thing i am certain of is that most things are just transient. not to sound jaded or what but it is true!! 

Only in God that one has even got the possibility of finding true happiness.

Well pple come and go that is true. But i also shld do my best to keep my friends around, not be a terrible friend as i know my younger self was. That being said everyone has ways of communication haha. For me i think whatsapp is easiest coz people are like all over the world or doing strange shift hrs (mainly me). 

Anyway, this past yr or so, d, a and bchow have been such a blessing to me seriously. (D and a for so many yrs alr!!). Eye was a slightly traumatic posting tbh coz of the massive learning curve and then the massive crowds but bchow made it so much more survivable. No one else can ever understand what we went through in that posting, coz they are all soooo pro at it haha. Eye noobs to the end haha. 

Anyway, all this is to say that, i shld be more worried abt exams in jan but im not because?! No idea why. I think im just super jaded and numbed out haha. Thank God i finished most of the other exams alr so there isnt like time pressure. Just super malu and expensive to not pass it. THAT'S all. That being said i still need to pass it by nov 2019 omggggggggg. So jan 2019 wld be infinitely preferable

I am trying to study but so tired everyday
Thank goodness for all the snrs tutorials if not i wouldnt study at ALL

Okok one month i have a small smodgen of hope

As i go back to emed next mth too, must keep my eyes on the endgoal - ie be a good doctor that God would be proud of, never leave any stone unturned, do my best for every pt. Its not abt the exams, not abt the quotas. Its the feeling that you have done the Right Thing

I know what i have to do to achieve that level of zen, get into that zone

And doing the right thing also includes seeing pts efficiently, i acknowledge. No point seeing 5 pts a shift but everyone else is battling massive crowds. If i have to stay back late to hit quota, ill do it! I mean i alr did that for 1.5yrs. Whats 4.5 yrs more. Hahahahaahah. It was defo worth it ok. Everyone kept telling me to get a life, get a bf, nurses tried to matchmake me with regs in an attempt to make me spend less time in hosp. But it workedddd and God also helped me to achieve my dream

Its like when i worked super duper hard as a ho and mo to thank God for helping me to pass med sch. The same thing applies! For granting my prayers FINALLY, i vow to be the best emed resident that i can possibly be. 

Thank you God, i promise to try my very best
And for the last week of anes, i will try to be the best anes mo i can be. I acknowledge my 100000 shortcomings but i can still try hahahaah

And dear God, please help me to get 4 more spinals...

You're here, you're here
I will never be alonee
In the same small room
Staring at the life ive chosen
Hopin the door's still open
Anywhere you are is sanctuary
You were paying cab fare making sure i made it home
I believed in my worst fears
You were never moving closer
You were only always here
You're here- nicole nordeman

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