Sunday, November 4, 2018

gas filled dreams

weekends are a time to take stock of the busy week
and to realize that there are 100000 things yet undone omg

d said he needed to cull his hobbies HAHAH im the number 1 person who needs that. french/watercolor/korean dramas/computer games. all lovely things to chill but LOGGING PROCEDURES, STUDYING FOR MCEM, RESEARCH, UPDATING PORTFOLIO yo

not to mention rosh review, emrap, amal mattu, all the things i so love but... like no time. just living one day at a time tackling whatever urgent thing i need to complete before the deadline. 

well its great that i passed the anesthesia baby mo test as that was a great source of stress, and its good that the mock osce has ceased to loom over me and started to inspire me to think of ways to improve and given me loads of epiphanies wahaha

that being said i would love one week off to just sleep/clear my head/ or travel to a nice place and chill. however i DO NOT HAVE THAT ONE WEEK bleh. 

so nevermind. i will take these small pockets of free weekend days to chill. its not much but its ok

to do list for today
1) log procedures
2) premeds
3) church
4) practice at least 2-3 peds osce stations
5) start making my own mcem osce notes

Saturday, November 3, 2018

something just like this

so it transpires that weekends away from the gases are more awake and prime time for reflecting on Life. scrolling through my spotify playlists and recommendations to find something that suits the mood to a T

wondering why so many years out and somehow i can't bring myself to write any poetry

i think the reason is that there are so many unspoken things that don't lend themselves to poetry. things i want to forget. the kind of things, you need a stiff drink with a friend, a friend that understands 100%. the kinds of things that are very specific that literally only a very small percentage of people would Get. that if i actually wrote them down in a verse, they would lose that punch and power. and those are the kinds of emotions going through the dvd player of my life for the past two years. its not the kind of simple feelings like falling in love (love? what is that?) and such. its something too complicated to put into words.

prose might be easier.but the thing is i am addicted to writing poetry. i think my alter ago must be the bard cacophonix in asterix HAHA. writing and sharing (aka forcing my friends to read my poetry) is my all time fav thing in life. well saving people's lives is actually my all time favourite thing. but its very complicated. writing poetry tends to be simpler, and also poems dont require CPR. they just lie in an empty forgotten folder until i resuscitate and edit them years later, having lost all original meaning and me having forgotten the oddly specific contexts under which i must have been compelled to write them in the first place. which is good because i dont think these poems were written because i was so elated i had won an award, or gotten first in class, or won the lottery, usually the exact complete opposite reasons.

anyway all that being said, it's ok, the life well lived doesnt have to be a life well examined only through poetry. you can examine your life in a dimly lit atmospheric japanese hole in the wall restaurant surrounded by sake bottles (as in physically on the walls, not as in i am imbibing the sake), katsu don, bentos, gyozas. with conversations in japanese, chinese, english, medicalese floating comfortably around. with copious amounts of green tea to wash away all traces of stress.

and then the week will start again with gases, machines to be checked, or machines that self check. putting the whole ot to sleep inadvertently because of the way you hold the mask, feelings of well-being when lunch is better than expected.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

ride it out

had ALOT of epiphanies when having a post mock osce dinner with zy ytd
not sure how much of it applies to exam and how much to real life but before a resus scenario, the 1st thing to do is take ur own pulse. and DEFINITELY before the comms station, the 1st thing to do is take your own pulse
and tbh i think it translates to real life too. i realized that the people i idolize, i idolize them not for their ability to run around the resus room like a headless chicken (that is for the newb mo having SVT on their first ever resus shift. even i dont count as a newb mo anymore. haha.) i idolize them for how calm they are in the middle of all the raging storms, no matter how stressful the situation is but they can still calm everyone down. no need to be a gancheong excited spider but can still get the work done, WELL. 
well, not sure if i can ever reach that level of zen-ness in real life. but i can definitely try to reach it in a mock exam osce for starters. haha. 
funny how this song speaks to me even after all these years lol
Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you
When you feel afraid
The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith
Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
Keep your sails high
And ride it out
The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...