Saturday, October 27, 2018

the reasons why you brought me here

omg i cant believe i turned 29. spent my birthday taking an anesthesia written test and studying for the practical test the next day. (well actually TRYING to study for practical test next day, what actually happened is that i came home, crashed on my bed and woke up at 6am the next day OOPS).

it has uh been a VERY EXCITING year of being 28. now i have more excuses to assure old aunties and uncles that i am very old (well, slightly older than 28. yay!). anyway amidst the excitement of life, i think i have become a better doctor. not sure about better PERSON but i can definitely try. ANYWAY what is great about this birthday apart from passing the anesthesia tests which i tell ya i was crazy worried about is ofcourse EMRESIDENCY, best gift from God i could ever have! i did spend the 2nd half of the day having peds ed emcc which seems like such a nice touch as a bday present from God. (however i was extremely sleepy as i had been mugging for the test since midnight the night before and consequently fell asleep sitting in the front row several times. uh... points for trying?)

anyway there are always so many times to evaluate one's life/year - like new year, new academic year, birthdays, but it's always good to improve so...

i guess i tend to have a tendancy to do things at the last minute and then have to pray really hard to God to fix my mess, it's great that divine intervention usually comes through but maybe after 29 years of existance it would be good to be more prepared in advance. also to be less untidy, minimalistic etc. should also stop my newfound habit of RETAIL THERAPY. studying mcem osce for 20 mins would probably do more for long term satisfaction than going on online shopping buying of comp games (that my slow comp cant run anw.... omg i wanna buy a proper gaming pc... and i feel like buying an ipad... HAHA). yea you get the point, materialism never ends. there is always something else to buy. which is why i am also surrounded by colorful paints, markers and gel ink pens. altho i have to say they do make me happy. LOL.

anyway, this has been a year well lived, with much to be grateful to God for. there has also been a fair share of waiting and wondering and stress and anticipation and last minute rushing and personality clashes. but God somehow got me through it so i think on the balance it worked out. let's aim to be more prepared, composed, have more em knowledge in my head, study more, play more, travel more, love more, be more self-sufficient and able to draw peace and joy from God and more worthy objects of sustenance (like comp games are abit soul sucking sometimes i think. esp w those forever loading screens, life is MORE THAN A FOREVER LOADING SCREEn im gonna go write a poem about that now.). have more brunches, more runs, more crossfit. more conferences. more cheer.

and also much thanks to my cg mates for being the best cg even years after graduation, the emresidencyfamily for being the best residency ever as far as i can tell, ZY for being my posting buddy, BCHOW for being my eye mo noob buddy, and of course d for consistently being such a great friend since i was 16, as well as running to codes buddy.

I know I’d get an answer
That I can’t understand
If I ask that Your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater
And in that greater plan
Lie the reasons why You brought me here

This story would be different
If it were only mine to write
Yeah, as the smoke starts to clear
Ooooh, I hope You know what You’re doin’
‘Cause You brought me here

Now it hurts to be this broken
But it’s bearable somehow
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here
guess I’m grateful that You brought me here
- the reasons why you brought me here - jason gray

Sunday, October 14, 2018

we took the midnight train going anyywhere

if i told you i was down i was down 
would you pick me up
i have this human love
it shattered once or twice
it pulls me up and down its filled with jagged ice 
i have this human heart
~ lift me up, one republic 

anyway reviewing my sept leave, ok the only major thing i didnt finish was the anes videos (that may have been the most impt on retrospect? oh well haha.) 

1) watch all anes intro videos
2) prepare for journal club
3) gym 2x more hahaha
4) drop in to crossfit sometime this wk
5) go running w my neighbor
6) actually submit the abstract
7) dig up old research that is still not finished
8) get dr p to sign 2 last dops
9) roster request for ed posting next yr
10) sign up for ed exam in london
11) claim $$
12) study for mcem c, join teachings on sat

really have no idea how im gonna survive the next 2.5 months.

some ideas/ resolutions
2) get my forms all signed off
3) get 9 more dops for LPs
4) pray very hard everyday i somehow do the right things
5) keep watching the machine check video until it miraculously clicks
6) study some mcem c stuffs. practice with SF one day before mock osce OMG (why did i get myself into this again??)

happy things
- go to church. ?cmg agm (somehow when i saw the email it was a ray of light in a dark tunnel. why is my life so full of dark tunnels. NOT SURE. but its worth it for the rays of light)
- study french - makes me sooo happy. je suis contente! (je suis tres fatiguee...)
- try to gym 1x. ok. must focus on passing baby mo test first. i can always crossfit and bodypump my way to muscles... LATER. only 1 chance to pass this test and this posting and fulfil whatever criteria i need to fulfil

truth be told, these few months have been crazy busy, crazy stressful and you get the idea. HOWEVER. bright lights include my love micu! i really think its just that particular hospital haha but i so so loved that micu there. in fact the other day i was sitting in the ed basement office checking on my premeds for monday and i bumped into once of the micu mos and we were SO THRILLED to see each other. haha. just goes to show what an awesome bonding experience micu was.

ok but anyway i think all things considered i survived the past few months, fine not smelling like roses but quite ok. onwards with the next few months! i'll be happy as long as i pass my posting, get my LPs, hopefully 1 or 2 cvps, and not die of embarrassment during the mcem c mock osce. but i think im gonna die of embarrassment during the mcem c osce. SIGH.

then its back to ED! and then exam! omg 1 yr out of ED, not sure if i can rmb anything tbh. FLOATERS! ODD EYE! yes i can remember that much. well thats partly why im forcing myself to do the mcem c (forcing myself is the best way to describe it hahah). okok much of it is voluntary... voluntarily forcing myself. coz i really wanna a) keep in touch with ed b) pass the mcem before they stop the international mcem thingy c) clear my exams soon so i can spend time going for lovely ed conferences

so will keep my focus on the ENDGAME. YEAH I CAN DO THIS

dont stop believing

listening to glee on a random sunday morning to psych myself up haha

well i dont really know what i can or should say about anes, BUT i can say that the past 2 weeks ended on a nice note with my first spinal ever supervised by a very very nice consultant. i have done LPs before on babies but this was essentially my first adult LP. however the actual procedure (and the joy at getting a DOPS signed off plus handed up - 1 out of 10, 9 more to go!) was actually nothing compared to the kindness of the consultant. it made me realize that whether kindness is an effective teaching tool or not, it is really much more nicer and humane a teaching tool. i can't speak for everyone obviously, but i hope to be a kind person too and not to make others want to run out crying from any room i am in. some consultants are so nice and kind that you HERO IDOLIZE them and feel that you would do ANYTHING for them. i can think of plenty of ED cons whom i would do that for actually. dr F, dr S, dr j, dr k, etc... the list goes on. so yes. i have learnt how to intubate better, how to bag and mask, and im getting there with the infusion pumps i swear. but the most important lesson i learnt from anesthesia is this: being kind to the people around you, IS the most important and best thing you could do. i'm not sure if that is the lesson they meant me to learn, but i am very grateful to that one consultant who guided a stressed out, baby mo through an adult LP. 

anyway now i need to finish ALL THE ANES ONLINE VIDEOS today. good luck to me. hahaha


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...