Friday, September 28, 2018

somehow we keep marchin on

so realized today that my crossfit aspirations are unlikely to materialize for the simple fact that i cannot wake up at 6am to lift weights lol
i can run on no sleep, but i cant lift weights on no sleep sadly

ANYWAY so i sit down to do the neverending stats prep and open my new shiny fcem stats book (i have a real problem with buying books. in that i have a severe addiction to buying books. thank goodness for call money, makes me feel less bad...) . and the journal article i see is "provision of tea and coffee in the ed to reduce left without being seen rates" LOL

hearts

~
there's so many wars we fight
there's so many things we're not
but with what we have
i promise you
we're marchin on
for those doubts that swirl all around us
for all the plans we've made
there isnt a flag i'd wave 

marchin on - one republic

fighting for you

random thoughts
- chilling is DA BEST
- now this holiday is ending soon, its time to really WORK

is kinda fun arranging tutorials with snrs for exam but also VERY SCARY
like how am i gonna put all the knowledge into my head in time??
like the one thing i am trying to avoid is showing my direct seniors how chui i am. like how am i qualified to lead a resus right now omg.

on the other hand! the whole point of taking the exam is to BE A BETTER DOCTOR
so yeah. need to challenge myself (i feel very challenged right now yeah)
so that when the REAL THING COMES in 2.5 yrs + time, I WILL BE ABLE TO DO IT

it's gonna be ok (keep repeating to self)

on the BRIGHT SIDE, i finally submitted my abstract today. after dragging it out for AGES
felt so satisfied after that
then watched mcem online vids on LP/ sick child resus/ IO insertion

plans for tmr
- crossfit
- claim insurance thingy
- french class
- watch EBM vids

plan for sat
- FINISH EBM 2

plan for sun
- watch anes videos
- church
- try and start on adult research paper edits

french class has been really fun. but realistically, i dont think that i should play in the sand anymore. it has been great building sandcastles but honestly it is time to work

i just needed this spark to light the fires and i'm off!

... once i settle this irritating insurance thingy. yes.

anyway, shall count my blessings- a roof over my head, aircon in this crazy heatwave, one week off to chill, regather my thoughts, re-inspire myself. also very grateful to have leave approved for exam, takes a whole lot of stress out of it. ok a bit of the chunk of stress. to have friends to mug with and go for tutorials with. its so fun organizing exam tuts with SF! read back our whatsapp and the last time i whatsapped sf was abt the super fun international meeting we were able to help the organizers with. HAHA good memories. and good food at the dinner on the last day i rmb. to have time to explore crossfit. to finally have submitted the abstract. a HUGE load off my shoulders. thank u God for showing me that that busy season of my life didnt go to waste (i spent so long as a paeds mo doing that project...). the past few weeks ive also had alot of time to go out to eat yummy food - becos i believe that in life one must... live life not lock onself in the room and hope works magically gets done... u just get burnt out. for instance jap food (TEMPURA), bakerand cook, thai food, u get the gist, loads of yummy food was consumed.

i shan't think of negative things like. aiya there are many. lets not think of them *cough central line cough

THAT being said. running ytd at 6am and not being able to complete the run (well i could. after chilling on the bench like 10mins HAHA) taught me that - i should PACE MYSELF and not run faster than i know i can. coz i figured i am a CROSS COUNTRY runner and i shld be able to keep up the pace.. yea right, not when u dont run properly for like a year, and ur already quite unfit and not running at the cross country pace to begin with. and i am STILL ACHING. omg. it is like so many days alr. and its like 2.4km not even a marathon! yes pacing is impt, but REGULAR TRAINING is also very impt

argh so many things to do
elves pls sort out my insurance magically tonight..

~
cos you're the right time at the right moment
you're the sunlight keeps my heart going~

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Reflections on leave d2

D2 of leave hahaha weekend doesnt count k and so far ive done the following
- italki french lesson x 1
- 1 ep of coffee break french
- gym x 1 (combat)
- abstract + poster for conf next yr
- botanics trip + urban sketching
- sorted out 101 admin for anes posting
- handed up minicex + intubation dops
- paid all da billz for sept

I feel soo efficient haha
Now i have left:
1) watch all anes intro videos
2) prepare for journal club
3) gym 2x more hahaha
4) drop in to crossfit sometime this wk
5) go running w my neighbor
6) actually submit the abstract
7) dig up old research that is still not finished
8) get dr p to sign 2 last dops
9) roster request for ed posting next yr
10) sign up for ed exam in london
11) claim $$
12) study for mcem c, join teachings on sat

Omg so much more to do than i have done. But yknow what if ed has taught me anything its that having a life is impt. Yes i work hard but i play hard too ;p sooo bring on the french classes and the crossfit and the running (i think i havent run for like a yr. So unfit). Its in the chill moments that we recharge our batteries and use the other side of our brains that doesnt deal w medicine and that makes us better drs. Not just in terms of remembering the medical stuff but in terms of making us happier people so you dont have a short fuse.

Oh ya another random thought. It is soooo awesome having a buddy in residency. I mean i have many buddies in residency including zy!! But i mean like a built in buddy who went thru med sch with me and who was there since the days of patho and microb ahahaah. Like someone u can ask any qn and u dont have to be worried they will be annoyed (whahaha sorry).

AND on a separate note, not forgetting, running to codes with D. Who would have thought we would level up from those nights spent at serene center mcD studying maths, to running to codes?! God's amazing grace and his foresight in providing me friends for the way never fails to amaze me. Thank u for being there and helping me to never lose my God.

Monday, September 24, 2018

what if i gave everything

what if i gave everything - casting crowns
All my life I longed to be a hero
My sword raised high, running to the battle
I was gonna take giants down
Deep in my chest is the heart of a warrior
So why am I still standing here?
Why am I still holding back from You?
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
So afraid what it might cost to follow You
I'd walk by faith if I could get these feet to move
But I don't want to live that way
I don't want to look back someday
On a life that never stepped across the line
You've given me a faith that can move a mountain
But I'm still playing in the sand
Building little kingdoms that'll never stand
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
I'm so tired of standing here
What if I gave everything to You?
What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
I want to see some mountains move
Ready to give everything
~

something abt the first paragraph makes me think of running to code blues. #borntobeED 
i need to stop playing in the sand, all those little kingdoms that'll never stand

a million things

a million things to read for anesthesia posting (and also the popup doesnt work very well so im listening to lectures on how to check the machine sans actual pictures... anes podcasting! #foamed)

although i feel very stressed (WHAT IS NEW), at the same time its good to know that alot of the stress is ??self-inflicted and actually i have freedom to go to the gym, chill, learn french, go out for yummy food, etc. basically unwind a very very tight ball of stress. ok actually there are alot of things to be done but as per my twitterhandle: I'LL DO IT LATER

anyway this is just to say that God clearly knows best. like seriously. i dont know how i expected to do all this stuff in time if i didnt take leave this weeek just to chill

and also that as a medical student in edin i actually wanted to do anesthesia until i found out the gases make me super sleepy... i remember idolizing the cool anes trainee that gave me a lift home from st john's in livingstons back to pollock halls. so i cant believe i actually get to do this omg. the activation energy (Ea) whenever one starts a new posting is really terrifying... but I CAN DO THIS!! and pluss going with my embuddy zy, its gonna be finee (self-cheerleader)

okok timetable for today
1030am to 12ish PEDS RESEARCH
12ish french italki class
2pm go to hosp to do some admin things, check out academialibrary
5pm interval training at paragonn

INERTIA

Saturday, September 22, 2018

sound of surviving

walking out of cgh after literally living there for 6 mths felt very strange and epic for some reason - for a few mins - then i was too shag and sleepy, couldnt philosophize anymore then got into the cab and slept all the way home. EXTREME SLEEP DEPRIVATION after not sleeping properly for the preceding few days. first preparing m&m til 1am at night, then preparing m&m at 4am in the sgh p3 room (while chatting to nurses hahah), then m&m (i sense a theme here), to my horror i realized a few days after that this m&m GOT MARKS ONE. omg so horrified but by then i was way past caring. too exhausted. yes then i was on call (which only had abt 1+ hr of sleep), then last minute post call excitement as i was handing over at 745am. literally going out with a bang with the last few minutes of micu call and also my LAST CGH CALL EVER

haha anyway. the past 6 months i have learnt more than i could ever have imagined. about eye conditions, about ICU stuffs, ventilators, CRRT. and most importantly... about LIFE. i dont think this place is the right place to talk about what i learnt about ICU. yet if i dont record it, this precious memory will slip away from me and i wont remember it in many years time...
i guess what i can say is that cghmicu is unequivocally the BEST ICU ever (i am clearly biased). no seriously. the nurses, RTs and of cos mos/ regs/ cons are really the nicest and pro-est ever. and altho alot of the time it feels like we are fighting a losing battle so hard against pneumonias, viruses and the inevitability of life, i think that the way they go about this fight is so commendable. it's what we dream of in medical school, it's why we signed up for this. to heal when you can, to comfort always. its what i said at my (multiple) medical school interview(s) but i truly, truly, understood it during this posting. watching my HERO dr j have his family conferences, i felt that i MUST reach that standard next time.

also the last lunch i had postcall with my HEROS the icu regs was very very inspiring. the NICEST, humblest, gentlest icu regs you will ever find, i am so blessed to have worked with and learnt from them. they were teaching me such useful life lessons, i will rmb that lesson longer than i remember how to set ventilators hahaha. to not care what other people think and to go through life smiling no matter what. thank u dr m and dr p! and thank u dr p for teaching me how to intubate!! every patient i ever intubate, i will remember you standing in that micu room telling me to prepare my pts, prepare my equipment, prepare my assistants hehe

thank you to BCHOW. i would have died during the 6 mths of eye if not for you. i jest not. i literally could just have combusted. you are the ONLY PERSON who understands what i went through doing that eye posting as a complete eye noob. thank you for doing all those i and ds for my pts chalazions. for seeing my walk in pts when i am drowning (altho often halfway HAHAHa but okok thanks for dilating them). for all the moral support.

to the eye pros- ann/stanley/chris/dex- for putting up with us despite our noobness, for clearing cases with us when we are not sure, thank u so much

to my fellow icu mos - esp to trish and zy my fellow ed buddy - thank u for teaching me how to set central lines and ia lines!! and about crrt and ventilators!

to my ho r - THANK you for listening to my m&m. i have never before dragged my ho to listen to me run thru my m&m but i was desperate coz i had close to zero time to prepare it and was so sleep deprived that my sense of societal decorum abit blunted hahah.

and so ends 6 mths of epic-ness, learning loads of new things and doing alot of things i never imagined i could do by myself. on to anesthesia! with a much needed 1 week break thank God for that.

oh yea. the 1 week break. what can i say except - GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST.
what really struck me about the whole escapade/shennigan was that usually, God is protecting us from something. and what you get is not always what you want, but what God knows that you NEED. so with that, i will keep on running.

~

you're up to something bigger than me
larger than life
something heavenly
whatever you're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos
but now i can see...

~

They told me
I'd never get to tell my story
Too many bullet holes
It would take a miracle
But my story is only now beginning

These pieces
The ones that left me bleeding
Intended for my pain
Became the gift You gave me
I gathered those pieces into a mountain
My freedom is in view
I'm stronger than I knew

And this hill is not the one I die on
I'm going to lift my eyes and
I'm going to keep on climbing

I'm still here
Say it to the pain, say it to the rain
Say it to your fear

This is the sound of surviving
This is my farewell to fear
This is my whole heart deciding
I'm still here, I'm still here
And I'm not done fighting
And I am still rising, rising

~
cos i still believe in your truth
cos i still believe in your faithfullness
even when i dont see
i still believeeeeeeeee

 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

born to be yours

So ive just finished my month of icu, it was really awesome. Loved running to codes and mets. Much thanks to the bosses esp my hero dr k, fellow mos, amazing ac dr p the anesthetist haha, nurses, icu sisters and rts! I never thought i would love icu so much and truth be told i was pretty scared before it all started. But i learnt so much from just 1 mth thanks to the RTs daily ventilator teaching, numerous breakfast tutorials, ultrasound teachings, simulation sessions and airway sessions. It was kinda stressful fitting all that teaching into the days haha but it was worth it! But really best of all was the people that made it such a great posting. Thanks t for always encouraging me about lines and reminding me when its my turn and giving me tips. Thanks to the amazing dr p who taught me so well i got 3 intubations in a row! Thanks to Dr K for teaching me what it means to be a good doctor. both medically and also how to show sincerity and kindness to patients. it is honestly very rare to actually find a consultant who goes out of his way to show kindness to his patients especially in a busy intense ICU but i actually witnessed it. both to the patients and their families at what must be some of the most difficult times of their lives. I genuinely hope to grow up to be a consultant like Dr K. both in terms of his paces knowledge HAHAHA and also the way he talks to pts and their families.

In the short weekend lull before the crazy workweek starts again ive been chionging research, back to ce one of my fav places in the world. Haha i have so many homelands but ed and ce will definitely always be my second home. It was sooooo nostalgic going back. Just walking past the pharmacy and past rm 17, past the procedure rm and ob room where the nebs are done. I almost felt like taking a mask like i usually do from that room and starting a shift haha. So much has changed since i last walked out of ce but ce has stayed exactlY the same, so reassuring and constant.

That being said, i really cant describe how proud i am to be part of my program. Cant think of a better club to be part of and any cooler companions for this journey. Love being able to identify myself as being from ed hahaha. Best choice ever of God to give me that mopex posting 2 yrs ago.

There is SO MUCH to do before i go on leave in sept. no kidding. NO IDEA how i am going to finish it. BUT i will trust in God. also my central lines. how am i going to get all those lines. i have NO CLUE but i will keep watching the online central line videos over and over again and listening to all the podcasts and then maybe one day the central lines will magically start going in. well think about it. i could NOT for the life of me see the optic nerve as a medical student until one day i magically saw it (transiently) - thought it wouldnt matter until i landed up in SIX MONTHS of eye and it suddenly became of UTMOST importance to see the optic nerve. haha. so many one day i will be super good at central lines too.

HOW AM I GOING TO finish my research before the deadlines and get my mini cex and my lines and 3 calls. plus pack my bag before i fly off.

okok DON'T PANIC - as per h2G2. IT WILL BE FINE

i run to you

the afters - i run to you When the road has left me empty When I'm broken, tired, down and out When the darkness feels too heavy Whe...