Monday, June 25, 2018

you are known/ broken things

one more week (and 3 calls!). I have to admit that i am lacking in many many ways and there are many things i have to do which are yet undone. but last sunday as i made it to church after missing 2 sundays (due to being postcall completely shagged and overslept even the 6pm mass sigh), felt a deep sense of peace. God telling me yet again to stick it out and keep on going (truth be told i am so numb beyond feeling and burntout lol). these few weeks i have been relaxing a lot by learning new languages and painting and also using my 1 week of leave to do things like take italki classes (my fav hobby), do a crossfit trial and stuff. it has been fun and also helped me to remain sane. emed has also been crucial in the maintanance of sanity. 
however as the start approaches i'm also realizing that i need to brushup on a lot of general internal medicine knowledge lol. i can remember the general ed stuff becos i spent so long in ed and i also studied for exams like 3 mths ago so there is some knowledge there. but the im stuff is rather dustyyy (note - i have never been an im mo becos right out of med school i started as a paeds mo and then i did ed after that.) so there is a bit of stress to perform that i'm only now realizing. coupled with the stress of surviving the last week of eye, which by itself is stressful enough (cough 3 calls...). 
well, i guess it's good that i pre-anticipate that i'd need to perform instead of completely being caught up in surviving eye and not revising any im lol. and my huuuge fccs coursebook seems like it can be very educational. it has been awhile since i pondered the causes of hyponatremia to be very honest. although i feel like i have mugged this topic many times in different permutations. 
i also have many thoughts on Life but i think we'll leave those for another time. it's difficult to balance enjoyment of life with things one NEEDs to do. like i really wanna learn languages and paint. but i think that in the balance of things there are some other things i need to do now. it was fun learning a new language this month. haha. and i have no doubt that it would be useful when i travel to that country. i also loved surprising the teacher on italki that i knew so much vocab just 2 weeks into starting out. but in church i felt a lot of peace when i promised God that i would focus on emed (well i think there is alot of logging to do. and alot of reading to do. and i only have so much brainspace. and memorizing spanish verbs fries the brain alot.) for this 5 years. 
i mean he did literally drag me along the snowy streets of edinburgh in the middle of winter. not just the one set of footprints in the snow but more of "and there is where i dragged you for a little while". all those twilight evenings walking home myself philosophizingabout the meaning of life and all the teenage angst hahahh. i survived all that and also then many postings some more enjoyable than others and finally grit my teeth through the last six months (arguably the hardest six months.)
the me many years ago after a levels firmly thought that it was my determination that got me through a levels
the me now knows - it is God that dragged me along in the snow all these years, to this start line. and He won't leave me here now. this is just the beginning and He will be with me for the next 5 years too. 
i'm sort of pre-philosophizing this now becos on my last day (or night) of being a mopex mo i will be ON CALL, and then after that POSTCALL so i will have no time to philosophize all that. 
but anyway i still believe in the goodness of God and yes it is amazing that after all these yrs i never lost my God. so going for a 3 call week now. see you guys on the other side! God will bring me through safely. i TRUST in Him. 
matthew west - broken things
If grace is a kingdom
I’ve stopped at the gate
Thinking I don’t deserve to pass through after all of the mistakes I’ve made
But I heard a whisper
As Heaven bent down
Said, “Child, don’t know you that the first will be last and the last get a crown.”
Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring You so much more
But if it’s true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I am all Yours
The pages of history they tell me it’s true
That it’s never the perfect; it’s always the ones with the scars that You use
It’s the rebels and the prodigals; it’s the humble and the weak
The misfit heroes You chose
Tell me there’s hope for sinners like me
Grace is a kingdom
With gates open wide
There’s seat at the table just waiting for you
So, come on inside
matthew west - you are known 
If you wonder if the prayers you pray
Are bouncing off the ceiling, you're feeling alone
I want you to know-ow-ow-oow, know-ow
You are known

[Verse 1]
This ain't the end, it's just the start of unbelievable
And you wouldn't even believe if you saw what I see in you

[Verse 2]
I know your greatest fear, I know your biggest mistake
Every square inch of your heart, I know what makes it break
And I am the One who bends down and picks up every single piece
Every single breath you breathe, every single hair on your head
Even the chapters of your life that haven't happened yet
And I know the plans that I have are bigger than your wildest dreams


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...