Sunday, May 20, 2018

somedays i barely hold on/ you're not alone

when my spirit is weak
you come to my aid
and strengthen my soul
im lost without you
i'll never doubt you
Your grace is beyond compare

you know all i have is yours
you smile when you hear my prayer
you rescued me
and i believe
that God is love
and He is all i need
from this day forth for all eternity

i'll never wander on my own
for i am yours until you call me home
you're not alooooone

some days i just cant go on
i stumble and fall
i hang my head
i reach out for your hand
you lift me up again and again

in the face of my depravity
my fire burns til he returns and takes me home beyond the galaxy

i really dont know what to say about this posting.

but this i can say, it is definitely bringing me closer to God.
so by that definition it is a good thing.

today was pentecost. i was quite pleased that i managed to make it to church post call (even reached home about 11am+ and had quite a good sleep which is really really rare post call!). something about the incense or the air in church today, made me feel God's presence very strongly. reassured me that i am not alone. when i trudge to work feeling like i'm going into the lion's den like daniel, God is with me. when i am all alone in the call room drowning and debating with myself if i should call the reg or not - God is with me. He is the voice of conscience telling me to call if i am unsure. not to be worried that they will think i am silly (yes. they will think i am silly.) that even though this posting is the toughest thing i have done in my entire life and out of my comfort zone doesnt even begin to describe it, there must be a reason why He put me here. there must be something (many things) He wants me to learn from this six months

although there is only one month left, i still really want to be a good mo in this posting. i am still trying my best even though everyday it feels like my best is not enough. i think that there is alot of improvement i can make still. let's not even talk about the system since i cant change the system but i can sure change myself.

it has been a really tough five months. and one month more to go. But in the middle of all this, i just keep telling myself that after ALL THESE YEARS, God cannot possibly be abandoning me now. He cannot possibly be abandoning me at the last stretch after he has dragged me all these years first through medical school which took some effort to complete and panned two continents then through all those years of night shifts and reaching home at two am in the morning and then finally to be an ed doctor. He will not abandon me now.  every single day for the past two months i've just been repeating this over and over again to myself as i walk that path from the mrt to the hospital and today during pentecost as the waves of the opening hymn washed over the church and the smoky incense filled the room i just knew that God is going to save me. He is going to bring me (and my patients) through this last month plus safely all the way to the last stretch.

and then of course i hope i survive the next five years too HAHA but that is a prayer for another day, let me survive this one month and one week first.

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Through the fire