Sunday, April 15, 2018

weekend musings #2

- completely completely unexpected, was drowning in eye clinics as usual when my friends started whatsapping that results were out, only had time to check when on that loooong dreary train journey home late at night completely sapped of energy so it was a really nice bright spot in the middle of a long long day
- i KNOW that God was with me in the snow all those years ago. i KNOW He picked me up when i tripped over those tree roots in the early morning runs up arthur's seats. i KNOW that He sent me there for a reason. i had always wondered why God would send me on a random detour but these few happy endings to my edin life start to make sense finally... like EIGHT YEARS after i left. to my past self, sending prayer missives out into the night sky over the rooftops, spoiler alert, IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

2) on another note, i have bought two (More)eye books and am mugging madly. i have 2.5 more months so i also dunno why i bought these books, but they seem to be teaching me things i seem to be supposed to have known previously (magically with osmosis and time), but didn't know
- important things i have now learnt: relationship between CCT and glaucoma. myopic fundus and what a tessellated fundus looks like
- 100000 things more yet to learn
- on another note i removed an fb eye the other day by myself (i was the on call on the daytime and everyone had gone for lunch). it was quite satisfying! i also learnt how to irrigate eyes after chemical injury - spent 1 hr irrigating someone's eye and missed the last train home, dr d passed by soooo many times commenting - wah u guys irrigate so long ah!

3) research. sigh. i keep praying for divine intervention. hopefully it will come soon. i wish i was better at this research thingY esp since my mentor is my HERO so i feel bad that i am obviouslynot very good at this. yknow its like when you are in school and you want to do your very best for your fav teacher, it feels exactly like that. sometimes when i sit in an ambulance (transferring pts etc) and sometimes with the flashing lights and all, i have this very strong feeling that THIS IS WHY I SIGNED UP FOR MEDICINE. and then closely followed by my guilt at being chui at research hahah cos it reminds me of my mentor oops. okok at least i have motivation and inspiration. the rest follows closely, i hope.

i don't really know what to say about these few months or the next 2.5 months remaining.... i guess i can only trust in God that wherever He has sent me in this life so far, He has done so for a Reason. and that even when we take diversions off the path he sends us (cough my three years of playing with kids), He always finds a way back for us. i remember once there was a (literal) door of mercy we could walk through and then after that we were supposed to go for confession. literally on the last day of this special thing i went for confession (last minute as always) and the priest actually commented "it's the last day! you made it just in time! God has been waiting for you to come back to Him" and woahhhhh the significance of that. (actually first the priest asked - actually what brings you here today? and i confessed - uh there is this door which i walked through and then supposed to do confession after that and now i'm here).

i think what i can say about this posting is this - i have clearly learnt alot and will learn alot more. i have also experienced a lot of God's graces during this time (maybe unrelated to the posting,but still happened during this chronological time period.). reading the liturgy of hours on the 1 hr journey to work on the train, always makes me feel closer to God, and starts the (always crazy) day off slightly better than it would be otherwise. i really think that despite the fact that i always feel out of my depth, God is still here in this posting with me, helping me to keep afloat (or rather, dragging me to shore on a daily basis.) i also know that i need to buck up STAT. maybe the info in my new books will help. i dont know. i can only try my very best and hope very hard in the goodness of God, that i can somehow survive 2.5 months more.

WE CAN DO THIS! let's go :)

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