Sunday, April 29, 2018

God of all my days

God of all my days - casting crowns
I came to You with my heart in pieces
And found the God with healing in His hands
I turned to You, put everything behind me
And found the God who makes all things new
I looked to You, drowning in my questions
And found the God who holds all wisdom
And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean
You caught my hand among the waves
'Cause You're the God of all my days
I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows
And found a God who relentlessly pursues
I hid from You, haunted by my failure
And found the God whose grace still covers me
I fell on You when I was at my weakest
And found the God, the lifter of my head

And I've worshiped You
And felt You right beside me
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days
In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing

'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

may resolutions

a look back on the past month of a new(ish) posting, well new hospital same posting rather

my goals were to
- learn BIO (yes! i can BIO and be quite convinced of my findings. i can see RD/ retinal tears/ brvo etc)
- b scan (yep b scanned a pt on call)
- survive calls (well kinda, thanks to the v nice regs who picked up my 2am calls)

new goals for may
- see patients faster
- be good at gonioscopy (i can gonio, but usually get someone to check my findings. need to be able to gonio by myself at night)
- buy a new phone with a better camera
- buy a new call bag, buy new call shoes (current ones are pretty tattered and torn lol)
- set my pomodoro to study strictly at least 30mins-1hr of eye every night!!!!
- try to leave hospital earlier each day - leave by 6-7pm maybe? so that i can study a little bit each night
- COLLECT MY NEW SCRUBS. so i can wear them on call
- never lose my God
- find sth very impt that i lost postcall in the clinic the other day (this is gonna be like a needle in a haystack)
- never hesitate to call for help/ ask for help when needed/ when im not sure. it may be embarrassing and i may be scolded but i will ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING, being scolded is not sth that i care about too much AS LONG AS I DID THE RIGHT THING and i called for backup help. yep.

other to dos
- claim for calls
- claim for courses ive paid for
- find my vaccination records
- get my em jacket

i think studying ed stuff may have to be put on hold a lil while cos right now is ALL OUT SURVIVAL for my current posting so yeah, maybe during my leave in june, will study abit then

these 4 months that have passed, i have learnt a lot, two months more to go and i know God is with me. He is always with us in the darkest times, when we feel like we can't hold on anymore. He is with us through the night "you and i we will make it through/ make it through" - a song that rang in my ears when i was taking the FRCEM primary, even in ed when we are nv alone there is always some physical backup somewhere - now ringing in my heart on those nights when it feels like the patients never ever stop coming that i am drowning. but what keeps me going is the adrenaline, the thought that GOD DID NOT BRING ME SO FAR TO ABANDON ME NOW. that morning is going to come, i am going to survive this, just keep on going keep on going. that the friendly reg is just a phone call away and they are willing to help me. (i hope).

i guess its like always. i just have to keep telling myself GOD IS WITH ME. or i will never be able to even muster up the courage to go for the call. but yknow i lost this very impt thing on call (as in an impt personal object that means alot to me) and i was wondering how i wld get it back. then suddenly a replacement appeared literally out of the blue. it was like a very tiny small shard of hope in a rainstorm.

i guess i'm just praying for things to get better somehow (altho i dont really know how?). maybe God can help, i hope so. there are many things i have to say but i dont think i should really say. just keep hanging on this string and counting down the days. (truth be told). oh and MUGGING LIKE CRAZY

Saturday, April 28, 2018

on His plans

was doing random web surfing when i chanced upon this nice reflection (below)

after YEARS of constantly repeating God has a plan for me, God has a plan for me (when i wasnt really sure of it but i needed to keep repeating it to myself for purposes of survival), its really nice to chance upon something actually affirming my inner cheerleader!

these few months have been slightly odd. i mean it's REALLY amazeballs that i finally got my dream fulfiled, am really happy and grateful. at the same time, it's completely at odds with my DAILY NOOBNESS, daily feelings of helplessness, needing to ask for help like all the time. yknow??? its a minor thing in a way but since i have to live everyday with it, it feels rather incongruent somehow. its not really minor since the stakes are still high and also its like my everyday life right now. so. i guess sometimes we need to do penance. so this could be counted as an extremely long penance. haha.

that being said, i am SO thankful for the kakis in this posting.
ESP b for all the shared angst. not the only noob around lol. thank you so so much. i have no idea what i would do if i was the only new mo arounD. and for the senior mos - words cannot describe my thankfulness. sorry i keep going to u with qns. esp s HAHAHAA ytd i asked so many silly qns
me "ummm s...  i need help with a pt..."
him "uh... ok...."
me "oh nvm its a silly qn i'll sort it out myself thx"
5 mins later he appears and starts doing cover-uncover tests for the pt


How do we cope?  With so much that doesn’t seem right in our world today, it is so easy to 
despair.  To forget our purpose and to drown in hopelessness. This feeling is nothing new.  With the betrayal by Judas Iscariot and the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior, the disciples certainly found themselves in unimaginable despair.  But at that precise moment, we are introduced to Matthias, whose life was about to be changed forever as he was chosen to replace Judas as one of the eleven apostles. 
So was Matthias chosen by luck? Are we to rely on the luck-of-the-draw in facing the challenges in our lives each day?

In today’s first reading from the book of Acts, Peter reminds us that “the Scriptures had to be fulfilled.”  That would certainly lead us to believe that luck really has nothing to do with how our lives unfold.  God has had a plan from the moment of creation.  That plan is not just a general plan for the universe, but it is a plan for each one of us individually.  The disciples turned to the one who “knows the hearts of all” in their selection of Matthias.  They simply put their faith in God and trusted in His plan – the plan for that specific decision as well as ALL the daily decisions as their lives continued to unfold.  Those decisions were unfolding in a world that definitely did not seem right or just, a world uncannily mirroring our world today.

So God really does indeed have a plan for each of us.  Today’s Psalm reminds us that we are His people.  “The servants of the Lord.”  Like Matthias, we are “chosen from the world, to go and bear fruit that will last.”  That certainly does not fit the luck-of-the-draw concept.  For each of our lives has a purpose, one could even call it a divine purpose – part of God’s plan for us and for our world. 
How then do we cope?  It seems rather obvious.  As John points out in today’s Gospel, we simply remain in Jesus’ love, keeping His commandments - trusting completely in His plan for our life because we know that through Jesus, His joy will be in us and our joy will be complete.  How else could we, or anyone else for that matter, face the trials of this life? 

Dear Heavenly Father, we are so thankful for your love for us.  We know that you have a plan for our lives.  That nothing is wasted.  Help us to face every moment of every day with the assurance that your plan is in fact unfolding in our very lives.  Help us never to forget that your plan is precisely what we need and to trust you with all our heart.

he makes all things beautiful

doing calls for the first time in nearly 2 years has been a very interesting experience

this posting is not an easy one, i have to say. but anything that brings us closer to God is always good. walking through fire is not easy but the prayers we pray as we close our eyes grit our teeth and JUST DO IT even though we DONT WANT TO DO IT and hope to come out unscathed at the other end of this LONG LONG TUNNEL... i think that these prayers are heard.

i think it is v impt to know when to ask for help. to admit that u are not sure and to ask someone. it may feel shameful to keep asking for help but sometimes u have no choice

i think its better to ask for help when you need to and u know this is beyond u rather than to not ask cos u are scared of inconveniencing someone.

that being said - REALLY appreciate my reg on my most reccent call who said "ok lets go see the pt together" when i told him i had just been called by ed for a case of ________. the sense of ... safety? that no matter what injury it turned out to be, it would be ok becos the backup is right there (rather than having to call at 2am and describe the injury)

6 calls more in may, ? no idea how many calls in june prob 6-7
then its time to hang up the bio and learn how to insert IA lines and CVPs!! a new challengE awaits

... think i need a loooooong holiday in the south of france
dreaming of chilling in provence

Saturday, April 21, 2018

we will run and not grow weary/ for our God will be our strength

because He lives, i can face tomorrow

we will rise again
1. Like a shepherd I will feed you; I will gather you with care. I will lead you and hold you close to my heart. Refrain : We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength, and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again. 2. I am strength to the weary; to the weak I am new life. Though the young may grow weary, I will be their hope. 3. Lift up your eyes, and see who made the stars. I lead you, and I know you, I call you each by name. 4. Fear not, I am with you; I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; uphold you with my hand.

heard this song during church today. this morning was just thinking how i would so love to make it for mass but not sure if i could since orientation today and tomorrow on call. guess what, God always has his ways and i managed to make it to mass. standing by my favorite spot next to the wall picture of fish and loaves which never makes me fail to think of two fish and five loaves, thanking God for all He has done and also concurrently being stressed about tomorrow, this song was exactly what i needed to prep me for tomorrow.

shine down your light so i can see
you know i'm weary
i know you're calling out to me
i know you and i, we can make it through/ make it through
reach out your hand and i swear
i won't let go
i'm with you tonight
- song on repeat

so i'll ignore the palpitations and the tachycardia and put every ounce of my faith into this - that God will be with me every step of the way

Sunday, April 15, 2018

sanctus real - confidence

I’m not a warrior
I’m too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what you’re calling me to
But Lord with your strength
I’ve got no excuse
'Cause broken people are exactly who you use
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
You took a shepherd boy
And made him a King
So I’m gonna trust you and give you everything

'Cause you fight for me
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
I’m gonna sing and shout and shake the walls
I won’t stop until I see 'em fall
Gonna stand up, step out when you call
Jesus, Jesus
when life looks insurmountable, trust in the Lord, just keep on going.....

unb - rebooting

i have a dream. today and today, yeah
tomorrow, tmr and tomorrow, believe me, believe me, believe me, yeah
to you who believed in me
i know. everyday i started, it was just new
everyday is hard, i've always wanted to give up
you were the one who trusted me. it was me who knew it
i'll never let you down
i have a dream
just do you with all you've got, don't look behind you

weekend musings #2

- completely completely unexpected, was drowning in eye clinics as usual when my friends started whatsapping that results were out, only had time to check when on that loooong dreary train journey home late at night completely sapped of energy so it was a really nice bright spot in the middle of a long long day
- i KNOW that God was with me in the snow all those years ago. i KNOW He picked me up when i tripped over those tree roots in the early morning runs up arthur's seats. i KNOW that He sent me there for a reason. i had always wondered why God would send me on a random detour but these few happy endings to my edin life start to make sense finally... like EIGHT YEARS after i left. to my past self, sending prayer missives out into the night sky over the rooftops, spoiler alert, IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

2) on another note, i have bought two (More)eye books and am mugging madly. i have 2.5 more months so i also dunno why i bought these books, but they seem to be teaching me things i seem to be supposed to have known previously (magically with osmosis and time), but didn't know
- important things i have now learnt: relationship between CCT and glaucoma. myopic fundus and what a tessellated fundus looks like
- 100000 things more yet to learn
- on another note i removed an fb eye the other day by myself (i was the on call on the daytime and everyone had gone for lunch). it was quite satisfying! i also learnt how to irrigate eyes after chemical injury - spent 1 hr irrigating someone's eye and missed the last train home, dr d passed by soooo many times commenting - wah u guys irrigate so long ah!

3) research. sigh. i keep praying for divine intervention. hopefully it will come soon. i wish i was better at this research thingY esp since my mentor is my HERO so i feel bad that i am obviouslynot very good at this. yknow its like when you are in school and you want to do your very best for your fav teacher, it feels exactly like that. sometimes when i sit in an ambulance (transferring pts etc) and sometimes with the flashing lights and all, i have this very strong feeling that THIS IS WHY I SIGNED UP FOR MEDICINE. and then closely followed by my guilt at being chui at research hahah cos it reminds me of my mentor oops. okok at least i have motivation and inspiration. the rest follows closely, i hope.

i don't really know what to say about these few months or the next 2.5 months remaining.... i guess i can only trust in God that wherever He has sent me in this life so far, He has done so for a Reason. and that even when we take diversions off the path he sends us (cough my three years of playing with kids), He always finds a way back for us. i remember once there was a (literal) door of mercy we could walk through and then after that we were supposed to go for confession. literally on the last day of this special thing i went for confession (last minute as always) and the priest actually commented "it's the last day! you made it just in time! God has been waiting for you to come back to Him" and woahhhhh the significance of that. (actually first the priest asked - actually what brings you here today? and i confessed - uh there is this door which i walked through and then supposed to do confession after that and now i'm here).

i think what i can say about this posting is this - i have clearly learnt alot and will learn alot more. i have also experienced a lot of God's graces during this time (maybe unrelated to the posting,but still happened during this chronological time period.). reading the liturgy of hours on the 1 hr journey to work on the train, always makes me feel closer to God, and starts the (always crazy) day off slightly better than it would be otherwise. i really think that despite the fact that i always feel out of my depth, God is still here in this posting with me, helping me to keep afloat (or rather, dragging me to shore on a daily basis.) i also know that i need to buck up STAT. maybe the info in my new books will help. i dont know. i can only try my very best and hope very hard in the goodness of God, that i can somehow survive 2.5 months more.

WE CAN DO THIS! let's go :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...