Thursday, February 15, 2018

on spring

so hopefully winter will end soon and spring and summer will come (?)

these 2 mths have taught me a lot abt life, happiness, what is happiness, etc

pre cny, feeling happy at the impending half day of work HAHA, its been awhile since i had days off on public holidays... abt 2 yrs of shift work i think? public hols are like a foreign concept

yet mixed in with that is the realization of how much i love and miss shift work and ed. how much despite the day off, i would LOVe to be in an ed instead right now

sitting in a room before the rest of the busy center springs to life, waiting for the phone calls to start flooding in like the spring rains, reading laudate on my phone, doing lauds from the liturgy of hrs as d first taught me many years ago

the liturgy of hours has tided me through many years of clinical work now. from making the days just a little bit brighter to ending the long nights with a before bed little prayer missive. predawn energy bar before m5 geri posting in ah, a posting that randomly i learnt how to see God in all my patients. in the lift going up to my first few ed shifts,  having severe palpitations and diaphoresis not knowing anything at all. meeting chai who showed me around on the first day (isnt it funny how God works?)

so yeah. in life there arent always things that we like. like i cant deny that i always preferred christmas to cny for the reason that christmas seems happy and joyful - a birthday, a miracle, presents, carols, a day we feel grateful to God for, a cute baby, trees, lights. whereas cny my whole life has been about spring cleaning, looking into areas of our lives which has dirt left unattended to for the longest time. facing uncomfortable things we'd tried to ignore. wearing stiff and new clothes for the first time. doing a lot of chores and things we never do except once a year.

and this year the beginning of lent and cny also happens to coincide. LENT - also not my fav season. it connotates sacrifice, 40 days in the desert, being alone, far from God. giving up things, suffering. yeah it ends with easter sunday which is supposed to be happy. but the truth is that i have spent so many easter sundays singing in a haze of disbelief thinking that any time now i will wake up from the dream.

i guess these preconceptions are hard to break. but yesterday as i made it to ash wednesday after clinic (after not being able to hail or book a cab for 20 mins and taking a long circuitous mrt route where i also overshot my mrt station..). ash wednesday, another day with strong connotations of sacrifice, penances and sins... a day i dont ever dare to miss since missing one time in my youth....

reaching halfway through the mass and leaning against the wall, turning around and realizing what i was leaning against was the church logo - 2 fish and 5 loaves. tracing the blue tiles that made up the fish and realizing that in this life, it was only when i truly believed with a child like faith and was at the end of my tether, that God would give me from two fish and 5 loaves, fish and bread in abundance, more than i had ever expecter or deserved

 never in the time i had thought, but in His time. and that he had never ever failed me, not even once, just that it also rarely occured according to a timetable i had wanted.

but that it was BETTER in God's timetable

so as lent comes, i have a whole new host of lenten resolutions. may this lent be hopefully less angst than others, may i hopefully grow closer to God, may we finally have a happy easter sunday and springtime. and may cny be filled with rejoicing, good food and happiness (and may we all clean out what is dusty, undeserving, and the spider cobwebs in our life. and if there be some cobwebs still, to consider that that cobweb cld be God's way of protecting us from sth, just that we dont know what it is)

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