Saturday, February 24, 2018

He Knows

learning something new is never easY

I somehow (barely) survived one week of acc with a lot of help from my friends, and daily morning liturgy of the hours reading sitting in that small little room before acc opens

I guess anything that brings me closer to God is good

I dont feel prepared for exam at ALL

but I think its not just about the exam? its the general uncertainty of life that gets to me. not to mention the backdrop of daily life where from being a high functioning mo who can m&r and t&s and odd its all by myself suddenly having to beg people to come and review my cases (not sure why I have to beg them when its not like I can send the pt off by myself anw.... but I just have this deep-seated feeling that I am severely inconveniencing the person I am dragging to eyeball my pts). yea. that gets stressful. maybe it will get better, someday, hahah, I don't know. I just am literally depending on God to save me from myself daily. so far it seems to have kinda worked. I realized that if you ask people nicely most times they will help. MOST times. hahah I was asking a nurse for a fellow's number and I sneaked up behind her and asked her in a very sweet voice for it - she literally jumped in the air. me "why'd u jump!" nurse "cos u asked so nicely! usually people don't ask so nicely!" LOL

this posting is teaching me a lot about LIFE

so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, living one day at a time, doing what I have to and hoping and praying that my God is with me every step of the way

and that maybe one day, if He so wills, may He show me the way

I once saw a peek of the way in a taxi post night shift
but since then I think I've fallen off the road so far and so hard and the winds and desert storms and life just came in and I haven't been able to find my way back

Saturday, February 17, 2018

love scenario

happy cny guys~

first time in 2 years i get the whole cny weekend off ie GOLDEN WEEKEND.
but im also itching to go back to shift work... hahah conundrums

meanwhile here's my current jam ie IKON's comeback song love scenario which is currently topping the sk charts

i'm also really enjoying the winter olympics coverage...dreaming of white christmases and going skiing again one day.... not to mention also dreaming of upcoming hols in june

i need to survive
- eye A&E test - in order to do eye calls
- FRCEM intermediate
- write up my paper

on another note i really want to teach sunday school.yeah i know right what are these primary school kids gonna learn from me and my EXTREME JADEDNESS and burnout?! i dont know either. but i keep walking past these promo posters after church and they use such pretty calligraphy and slogans such as "feed my lambs" and "come and follow me" and put my weaknesses like photos of footprints in the sand and i can't help but feel that i am called to go join the sunday school ministry.... maybe this is the time after wanting to do it for so many years... haha.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

on spring

so hopefully winter will end soon and spring and summer will come (?)

these 2 mths have taught me a lot abt life, happiness, what is happiness, etc

pre cny, feeling happy at the impending half day of work HAHA, its been awhile since i had days off on public holidays... abt 2 yrs of shift work i think? public hols are like a foreign concept

yet mixed in with that is the realization of how much i love and miss shift work and ed. how much despite the day off, i would LOVe to be in an ed instead right now

sitting in a room before the rest of the busy center springs to life, waiting for the phone calls to start flooding in like the spring rains, reading laudate on my phone, doing lauds from the liturgy of hrs as d first taught me many years ago

the liturgy of hours has tided me through many years of clinical work now. from making the days just a little bit brighter to ending the long nights with a before bed little prayer missive. predawn energy bar before m5 geri posting in ah, a posting that randomly i learnt how to see God in all my patients. in the lift going up to my first few ed shifts,  having severe palpitations and diaphoresis not knowing anything at all. meeting chai who showed me around on the first day (isnt it funny how God works?)

so yeah. in life there arent always things that we like. like i cant deny that i always preferred christmas to cny for the reason that christmas seems happy and joyful - a birthday, a miracle, presents, carols, a day we feel grateful to God for, a cute baby, trees, lights. whereas cny my whole life has been about spring cleaning, looking into areas of our lives which has dirt left unattended to for the longest time. facing uncomfortable things we'd tried to ignore. wearing stiff and new clothes for the first time. doing a lot of chores and things we never do except once a year.

and this year the beginning of lent and cny also happens to coincide. LENT - also not my fav season. it connotates sacrifice, 40 days in the desert, being alone, far from God. giving up things, suffering. yeah it ends with easter sunday which is supposed to be happy. but the truth is that i have spent so many easter sundays singing in a haze of disbelief thinking that any time now i will wake up from the dream.

i guess these preconceptions are hard to break. but yesterday as i made it to ash wednesday after clinic (after not being able to hail or book a cab for 20 mins and taking a long circuitous mrt route where i also overshot my mrt station..). ash wednesday, another day with strong connotations of sacrifice, penances and sins... a day i dont ever dare to miss since missing one time in my youth....

reaching halfway through the mass and leaning against the wall, turning around and realizing what i was leaning against was the church logo - 2 fish and 5 loaves. tracing the blue tiles that made up the fish and realizing that in this life, it was only when i truly believed with a child like faith and was at the end of my tether, that God would give me from two fish and 5 loaves, fish and bread in abundance, more than i had ever expecter or deserved

 never in the time i had thought, but in His time. and that he had never ever failed me, not even once, just that it also rarely occured according to a timetable i had wanted.

but that it was BETTER in God's timetable

so as lent comes, i have a whole new host of lenten resolutions. may this lent be hopefully less angst than others, may i hopefully grow closer to God, may we finally have a happy easter sunday and springtime. and may cny be filled with rejoicing, good food and happiness (and may we all clean out what is dusty, undeserving, and the spider cobwebs in our life. and if there be some cobwebs still, to consider that that cobweb cld be God's way of protecting us from sth, just that we dont know what it is)

Sunday, February 11, 2018

was hoping by now/ i would be closer/ have it all figured out

usual weekends spent studying for exams/ listening to sanctus real/ church later on

random musings - workin out is really super essential to sanity and happiness!! managed to go to pump on fri night and interval training on sat. it was really great. i think its the endorphins that makes me so happy haha. plus KL is SUCH a gem with all his random comments during the pump class that makes us all can't help but giggle halfway thru squats. i also really enjoyed the HIIT interval training with the 18kg deadliftS haha felt so strong and unextinguishable doing those deadlifts for some reason

my view on my current state of noobness: i need to GET OUT of this self pitying I DONT KNOW ANYTHING SAVE ME I AM A SPACE OCCUPYING LESION mentality and BUCKUP.

i need to learn by end of feb
1) BIO - with bio simulator
2) gonioscopy
3) b scan

plus get better with seeing stuff with slit lamp. i can see optic disk... so now more of the retina/ macula stuff

and need to go thru all the ppts thoroughly as well

then early march - will spend it studying for exam
then after exam (and the little post exam holiday and soujourn to st patrick's church!) - then i will go back to mugging eye

then maybe another exam in june???! Godwilling...

to summarize:
I CAN DO THIS. i am SUPERWOMAN. ok not really. but with God by my side, i can do it no matter how completely impossible it looks

sanctus real changed
[Verse 1]
I thought it'd be different
Was hoping by now
I would be closer
Have it all figured out
Been counting the reasons
Been feeling the weight
Of all of my failures
And every mistake

And though I cannot see
I know you promised me
You're making a new heart
Where the old one used to be

[Verse 2]
The pain that I've carried
Is being replaced
There's a brighter future
I see it in my eyes
There used to be darkness
But now there's a fire

'Cause the One who began a good work in me
Is faithful to make me complete
You're the Author, Perfector, my Hope and my Healer
The reason that I believe
I can change, oh I can change

I'm gonna be changed
A little each day
Even when I fall I'll trust You when You say
I'm gonna be changed
By Your grace
You won't let me stay the same as yesterday
I'm gonna be changed
Oh I can change

sanctus real ride it out

Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you

When you feel afraid
Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out
The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith
And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...