Saturday, January 20, 2018

two roads

one of my favorite poems!! i remember inscribing this onto my lit journal when i was ?sec 3 ? sec 4, in a last minute bid to illustrate it. little did i know how much i would grow to love it

the wintery cadence of the poem, the immediate picture that springs to mind the moment one starts reading the lines aloud in one's mind. apparently robert frost wrote this cos he spent many lovely days having winter walks with his friends. haha.

The Road Not Taken 
BY ROBERT FROST
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~

i dont really know what to say about the all the thoughts that are swirling in my head like a hurricane more than an ice cream cone swirl. 

sometimes poetry says it better than i ever could or will. many poems are percolating in the coffee grinder of my mind but i dont know when the coffee beans of my life will ever be ready to become a latte or a cappucino

to be frank, i could either be VERY POSITIVE or very negative, the truth is that i am too balanced (and indecisive) and hence am neither - read: i end up being VERY CONFUSED. 

on one hand, i am clearly very blessed by God to have ended up as a doctor (and had really great length and breadth and depth of postings and met alot of great people these few years). 
on the other hand - yeah i dont think it needs to be explained, or should be explained. HAHA. but it can end well ok. I TRUST IN GOD THAT IT ENDS WELL. lets put it this way, it may have a really really happy ending where i can sing songs of praise to God and say YES HE WORKED MY MIRACLE FINALLY or the other way is... omg i dont want to think of any other way. GOD IS GOING TO HELP ME *extreme faith

let's put it this way, i felt more than a little useless (yet happy that i could see the fundus) when yesterday's clinic session i couldnt see ANYONE'S FUNDUS in ALL THE DILATED PATIENTS and the optometrist kindly showed it to me for her patient after i assiduously helped her print mcs and medications for her patients. altho i think it was a little awkward when i said "OK! print hypermellose eye drops? nothing special la sure!" and she was like "LOL nothing special?" well lubricants only what not timolol or xalatan or simbrinza... hahah. anyway i felt a little useless that mbbs only to print lubricants and mc. not even one week but one day leh. 

maybe God is working through this posting to give me small little hints and encouragements just that i'm too dazed by the bright lights of the slit lamp to see. like they coded blue the other day and when the ed people burst thru the doors my first instinct was HI GUYS YOU ARE HERE... wait why are you guys here?? (more on that privately, msg me if u are keen to find out the full story). and in return they were like "HELLO HELLO! it's e*******!" maybe it's one of those things. like the waters are flooding around me and God sends first someone in a boat then someone in helicopter to save me. yups

ANYWAY to conclude, i think i shall take a leaf out of mr frost's book. as in literally and metaphorically. HAHA. early morning poetry musings

I read some online analyses just now which said that the poem was more of a ironic one? that he actually meant to say, in some lights, the two paths were actually the same:

And both that morning equally layIn leaves no step had trodden black.

and he wrote it to poke some fun at his friend whom he used to take winter walks with who used to regret that he didnt take the other path and show him some cool stuff.

so yeah. i resolve to see the cool stuff, whichever path i take, whichever roads i travel
i resolve to be the best doctor i can no matter what posting i am in , no matter how steep the learning curve (read: very steep)

i resolve to see the fundus by the end of THIS WEEK no matter how many clinics or tag calls i do

becos if i cant do this, there is no way i can a) survive this posting b) survive upcoming cgh calls c) be a good doctor in this posting which is gonna last a while anyway and anyway i came here to learn this precise skill so....

for the future....
God has my future in His hands. He only knows.

i'm actually really tired of looking forwards and backwards and second guessing my second guesses and trying to figure out what things i did right or wrong each time.

i actually spent one year living life to the fullest and doing precisely what i wanted and resolving to not let all these things affect me. but every year around this time all the stresses come back and i get bogged down by all the matters of the world. WELL I WON'T anymore. i shall go back to my happy carefree life where i do precisely what i want, live this life to the fullest, dream of my extreme medicine (and do whatever it takes to get me there). and learn everything i can, both in breadth and depth to be the best doctor i can, and leave the rest to God. He brought me so far, I'm sure He won't leave me alone now.

that being said! thank u to d and a for always listening to me all these years. im sure its no coincidence that God put us in each other's lives. thank you for always keeping me close to God all these years. im very sure that i would have lost my God many years ago if not for you guys, always dragging me back whenever i roamed too far like a lost sheep. telling me not to be silly and that God hasnt given up on me, entertaining my emed dreams, reminding me of all my epiphanies w.r.t emed and even remembering them better than me!

also thank you to the eye people who teach a lot and are very nice despite all the crappy cases i have sent in the past, very sorry about the one year of conjunctivitis cases. and to my batchmate T, it's so nice to have a friend in the new posting! i can't describe how nice it is to meet a familiar face haha. its great. altho i kinda also know the eye peeps since ive been referring cases to them for 1.5 years. pwahaha.  

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