Saturday, January 27, 2018

underwater/ you, clouds, rain

just plodding along in this time and place
bleary eyed mornings, taking the train home in the evenings like a quashed tuna sandwich
dreaming of mountains with wide open expanses, the first snow crunching underneath my feet, footprints in the snow, the salmon leaping up the rivers in the summers

list of happy things/ things that made life bearable this past week
- the day ward cleaner auntie feeling sorry i had to stay back late and giving me milo and water (literally genuine human kindness!! i cant describe how grateful and touched i felt at her act of kindness)
- going around begging for HD bed at 7pm and the gs reg feeling sorry for me i had to stay back so late (lol) "okok you sms me the details after i round i see if i can help you guys. then you go back first let the on call settle... eye mo shld go back early one no need to stay so late". then begging from ortho reg, feeling scared then opened up the on call list only to see the ortho reg on call was A ie my good friend hahaha AWESOME
- being able to see the fundus + optic disk nearly consistently and bilaterally with dilated slit lamp exam!!
- the half day with clinics blocked that meant we could all go out for lunch at merci marcel
- friends who cover me for the day so i can go for supervisor clinic (and my very nice and kind supervisor!)
- knowing i did the right thing by sending pts to ed (after some period of self agonizing, sometimes really no choice need to send... i usually follow up by checking with my ed friends who saw the pt and they concurred that it was right to send)
- the weekend studying - for exams and also increasing my eye knowledge - next skill to pick up is gonio, and BIO as well

aims for this wkend
- study gonioscopy
- go to church
- at least 10 frcem qns

:) happy wkend everyone!

Saturday, January 20, 2018

and i will still be here, stargazing

going for a tagcall in 2 hrs! thanks to f for letting me follow!
currently sitting at home doing frcem intermediate qns

yesterdaY after clinics ended, i made it for pump with KL my fav teacher! it was a HILARIOUS class. i was feeling a little skyblue but literally five mins into the pump class and all of us cant help but giggle. KL's classes are all like that

kl: thank you all for coming, even though it's raining - ? what? it's not raining? har, come already leh
*during a really hard bicep track* kl: just anyhow anyhow do! just do something!

also had coffee and cinnamon bun pre class which is not good for weight loss but very good for happiness HAHA. ok whatever. if im happy i'll go runnin more often!

this year (this life really). i choose happiness
yeah somethings are transient and sometimes they said that to bear the hard times first and then happy times will come (xian ku houtian in chinese). sorry i think thats very masochistic. ive had quite enough of that lifestyle, i personally think its a maxim NO ONE shld live by. just be happy everyday. its not like most of life is within your control anyway.

stargazing - kygo
You're saying it's hopeless, that I should hope less
Heaven can help us, well maybe "she" might
You say it's beyond us, what is beyond us?
Let's see and decide
We've been meteoric, even before this
Burns half as long when it's twice as bright
So if it's beyond us, then it's beyond us
Let's see and decide

And I will still be here, stargazing
I'll still look up, look up
Look up for love

I'm trying to save us, you don't wanna save us
You blame human nature, and say it's unkind
Let's make up our own minds, we've got our whole lives
Let's see and decide, decide

Stars don't disappear, they keep blazing
Even when the night is over
And I will still be here, stargazing
I'll still look up, look up
Look up for love
That's how I find the light
cant remember when i first heard this song? somewhere on the radio maybe on one of those drives to work. or maybe its from rpm? the chorus sounds very electronic and the beat sounds like those rpm DONT FALL DONT GIVE UP FOR LOVE

you're saying it's hopeless, that i should hope less - STORY OF MY LIFE
and i will still be here, stargazing...

two roads

one of my favorite poems!! i remember inscribing this onto my lit journal when i was ?sec 3 ? sec 4, in a last minute bid to illustrate it. little did i know how much i would grow to love it

the wintery cadence of the poem, the immediate picture that springs to mind the moment one starts reading the lines aloud in one's mind. apparently robert frost wrote this cos he spent many lovely days having winter walks with his friends. haha.

The Road Not Taken 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


i dont really know what to say about the all the thoughts that are swirling in my head like a hurricane more than an ice cream cone swirl. 

sometimes poetry says it better than i ever could or will. many poems are percolating in the coffee grinder of my mind but i dont know when the coffee beans of my life will ever be ready to become a latte or a cappucino

to be frank, i could either be VERY POSITIVE or very negative, the truth is that i am too balanced (and indecisive) and hence am neither - read: i end up being VERY CONFUSED. 

on one hand, i am clearly very blessed by God to have ended up as a doctor (and had really great length and breadth and depth of postings and met alot of great people these few years). 
on the other hand - yeah i dont think it needs to be explained, or should be explained. HAHA. but it can end well ok. I TRUST IN GOD THAT IT ENDS WELL. lets put it this way, it may have a really really happy ending where i can sing songs of praise to God and say YES HE WORKED MY MIRACLE FINALLY or the other way is... omg i dont want to think of any other way. GOD IS GOING TO HELP ME *extreme faith

let's put it this way, i felt more than a little useless (yet happy that i could see the fundus) when yesterday's clinic session i couldnt see ANYONE'S FUNDUS in ALL THE DILATED PATIENTS and the optometrist kindly showed it to me for her patient after i assiduously helped her print mcs and medications for her patients. altho i think it was a little awkward when i said "OK! print hypermellose eye drops? nothing special la sure!" and she was like "LOL nothing special?" well lubricants only what not timolol or xalatan or simbrinza... hahah. anyway i felt a little useless that mbbs only to print lubricants and mc. not even one week but one day leh. 

maybe God is working through this posting to give me small little hints and encouragements just that i'm too dazed by the bright lights of the slit lamp to see. like they coded blue the other day and when the ed people burst thru the doors my first instinct was HI GUYS YOU ARE HERE... wait why are you guys here?? (more on that privately, msg me if u are keen to find out the full story). and in return they were like "HELLO HELLO! it's e*******!" maybe it's one of those things. like the waters are flooding around me and God sends first someone in a boat then someone in helicopter to save me. yups

ANYWAY to conclude, i think i shall take a leaf out of mr frost's book. as in literally and metaphorically. HAHA. early morning poetry musings

I read some online analyses just now which said that the poem was more of a ironic one? that he actually meant to say, in some lights, the two paths were actually the same:

And both that morning equally layIn leaves no step had trodden black.

and he wrote it to poke some fun at his friend whom he used to take winter walks with who used to regret that he didnt take the other path and show him some cool stuff.

so yeah. i resolve to see the cool stuff, whichever path i take, whichever roads i travel
i resolve to be the best doctor i can no matter what posting i am in , no matter how steep the learning curve (read: very steep)

i resolve to see the fundus by the end of THIS WEEK no matter how many clinics or tag calls i do

becos if i cant do this, there is no way i can a) survive this posting b) survive upcoming cgh calls c) be a good doctor in this posting which is gonna last a while anyway and anyway i came here to learn this precise skill so....

for the future....
God has my future in His hands. He only knows.

i'm actually really tired of looking forwards and backwards and second guessing my second guesses and trying to figure out what things i did right or wrong each time.

i actually spent one year living life to the fullest and doing precisely what i wanted and resolving to not let all these things affect me. but every year around this time all the stresses come back and i get bogged down by all the matters of the world. WELL I WON'T anymore. i shall go back to my happy carefree life where i do precisely what i want, live this life to the fullest, dream of my extreme medicine (and do whatever it takes to get me there). and learn everything i can, both in breadth and depth to be the best doctor i can, and leave the rest to God. He brought me so far, I'm sure He won't leave me alone now.

that being said! thank u to d and a for always listening to me all these years. im sure its no coincidence that God put us in each other's lives. thank you for always keeping me close to God all these years. im very sure that i would have lost my God many years ago if not for you guys, always dragging me back whenever i roamed too far like a lost sheep. telling me not to be silly and that God hasnt given up on me, entertaining my emed dreams, reminding me of all my epiphanies w.r.t emed and even remembering them better than me!

also thank you to the eye people who teach a lot and are very nice despite all the crappy cases i have sent in the past, very sorry about the one year of conjunctivitis cases. and to my batchmate T, it's so nice to have a friend in the new posting! i can't describe how nice it is to meet a familiar face haha. its great. altho i kinda also know the eye peeps since ive been referring cases to them for 1.5 years. pwahaha.  

Saturday, January 13, 2018

one of those emails of the day things: 
"In this world we will face all kinds of obstacles, trials and tribulations and we should be wary of any doctrines or teachings that say we shouldn’t have to face these things.
Because the Lord said we will have tribulations.
So the encouragement He is giving is simply this: You’re going to face trials, but God is greater than any problem you will face in this world!
As problems present themselves, we should face them in the power of God and overcome them with Him because every problem is an opportunity to exhibit the love and power of God in our lives. And it’s often through these situations that the world gets our true testimony as believers in Him!
So, lift up your head, and don’t expect “no obstacles” in this life.
Continue looking up, and be filled with His joy, because the Lord has already overcome this world and our problems, and we will experience that when we simply give them over to Him!
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33"
so the new posting is going okay so far. just REALLY SLEEPY all the time cos i have to wake up at 5am... not used to it after 2 years of shift work. 
just REALLY REALLY miss ED with every fibre of my being. that's all. 
i dont know if my prayers are becoming more mature as i get older. they dont stay static that is for sure. i just pray that i can go back to ed for my next posting is all. cos i really really miss it to the max

Saturday, January 6, 2018

and You're already there.... / no one can steal our joy

so i've survived D2!! it's a huge luxury to be able to shadow cos my ENTIRE WORKING LIFE i have never shadowed ever ive always had to start proper work from day 1. i guess for things like im/ paeds/surg they assume u learnt it in medical schoo lol. whereas this is VERY SPECIALIZED. immense thanks to the AMAZING edward who is so nice and kind and teaching me everything!! i couldnt thank him enough. i promise to be a very pro and functional ward mo next week! thank you to the nice resident who i followed tag call with!

still learning the slit lamp and how to use the lens HAHA i am not very good at it currently. was practising with my fellow newb bryan after work on fri. ensue hilarity.

me: "ooh i see something! oh this is cool!" *fiddles with the lens
edward : "i think that's skiN hahahaha"
bryan: "you're definitely not at the right place cos there's no light at my eye leh!"

i felt a little bit like a medical student all over again. but with prescribing rights hahahaha. and like high bp doesnt worry me one bit. "bp 160 ah. oh ok give amlo".

THEN i went back to my fav place in the whole world for two nights running. it was great. hashtag frequent flyer. maybe i could get some milo and biscuits too hahah. it is so lovely seeing all the nurses and bosses again. saw one of my FAV BOSSES dr a!!

there was a very exciting ed case and everyone was so excited. the reg was like "go prepare! go go go" and my fellow mos ran out very fast to prepare. pretty cool to be part of it haha.

such a comforting song!
"Already There" - casting crowns

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit

dear God, sometimes life is very confusing BUT. THANK YOU for showing me the way. thank you for showing me what i should do with this one life, thank you for giving me so many cool learning experiences and nice people to help me along the way. i'm very very sure what i want to do with life now.

tenth avenue north- no one can steal our joy
Even when the fear surrounds us
Even in the dead of night
Even in the darkest shadow
You will never leave our side

Even when our dreams are shattered
And all of our strength gives way
You're the hope that can't be taken
Even in the midst of pain

No one can steal our joy
Nothing can ever destroy
the light in our eyes
Christ our delight
Our hope and reward

No one can steal our joy
Even if our hearts betray us
Tears are falling down our face

If we ever feel forsaken
We know You have felt the same
Even when we fight temptation
Even when we stand accused
We know that you will defend us
We can always run to You

What can man do to us?
We give our idols up
The best is yet to come

due to some special masses i went for church really often over the christmas and new yr period
like it was christmas eve mass - shift - christmas day mass - shift
then new yrs it was sunday church - shift- first day of new yr mass

it was actually a very good experience cos i felt closer to God than usual. i mean this year despite doing shift work and all i actually managed to go for nearly every sunday mass so that's really good! and despite all my life uncertainties i think i actually haven't lost my God yet which is v good pwahaha. but somehow this festive season and with all the rotation changes and all it was a good time to ask God for some peace/ grace/ blessings/ encouragement to keep on going which i felt very strongly. i really do think that even after all these years, God is still walking this road with me. whether i am in a place alone with an eternal winter with God walking side by side and the two sets of footprints in the snow, or in a place surrounded with many people and friends in an eternal summer but with this haze that waxes and wanes and is completely unpredicatable, God is still with me through it all. the only one coming and going is me when i succumb to the pressures of this human life intermittently.
yeah i made a crazy choice reccently, i dont know why either. but i do know this - that God is somehow still there and if he has brought me so far, he is going to continue bringing me through this. i somehow have a suspicion that even this is part of God's (very confusing to me) plan.
even if it's not - He will make all things beautiful in his time!

i mean He did teach me how to set plugs HAHA. e the pro plug setter who could have ever guessed?!!

"i am fighting for you
i'll never stop
i'll never stop
start walking with your head held high
every trouble that you ever walk through
peace my child, i am fighting for you"
tenth avenue north  - fighting for you


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...