Sunday, December 30, 2018

confidence/my hope is in the Lord

so i woke up this morning all ready to tackle EXAM STUDYING coz i only have ONE MONTH more left to this giant exam for which i am totally not prepared and which is really expensive. and someone remind me why i am taking the reg exam in yr 1 again? hahaha.

ok i know why, its becos i wanted to keep in touch with ed things during this 1 year away from ED, which is a really long time ok. but still. cant help feeling like ive bitten off ,more than i can chew (seems to be an eternal feeling hahah)

THEN i opened spotify and started playing my fav sanctus real songs and this popped up

the moment the music started i remembered all those days walking from the mrt to work (and nowadays walking down that long corridor into ot), feeling like i'm walking into the the lions den. the chords really make you feel like you're walking a long corridor at 6am into a lion's den HAHA

i'm definitely not a warrior, and altho i have mbbs (and pending mcem), there are definitely times i feel unqualified for what God calls me to do. although there are also times that i somehow got through a super rough call night and dont know how i managed to do what i did (cough SICU calls). and i know that it definitely was God helping me.

'so give me faith daniel in the lions den... give me a heart like david, Lord be my defense'
~

"Confidence" - sanctus real

I'm not a warrior, I'm too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what You're calling me to
But Lord with Your strength, I've got no excuse
'Cause broken people are exactly who You use

So give me faith like Daniel in the lion's den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence

You took a shepherd boy and made him a King
So I'm gonna trust You and give You everything
I'll face my giants with confidence

~

my hope is in the lord - sanctus real 
Be still my soul, for the best is yet to come
Though the earth below is shaking
And I struggle to hold on
To anything that isn't bolted down
And I find that I am safe and sound
My hope is in the Lord

[Chorus]
And I am blessed beyond compare
To find my joy in things that last
Finding peace in who I am
Rather than my circumstance
I'd rather hear one simple phrase
From my Father's loving voice
Than to hear the praise of strangers
My hope is in the Lord


[Bridge]
So come and rest in the promise of His grace
That we are all just travelers
And our destination waits
For the pain you feel is temporary
But God is offering sanctuary
Our hope is in the Lord

~
"Changed"  sanctus real

I thought it'd be different
Was hoping by now
I would be closer
Have it all figured out
Been counting the reasons
Been feeling the weight
Of all of my failures
And every mistake

And though I cannot see
I know you promised me
You're making a new heart
Where the old one used to be

I'm gonna be changed
A little each day
Even when I fall I'll trust You when You say
I'm gonna be changed
By Your grace
You won't let me stay the same as yesterday
I'm gonna be changed

I look in the mirror
I see in my face
The pain that I've carried
Is being replaced
There's a brighter future
I see it in my eyes
There used to be darkness
But now there's a fire

'Cause the One who began a good work in me
Is faithful to make me complete
You're the Author, Perfector, my Hope and my Healer
The reason that I believe
I can change, oh I can change

~
10000 things to be improved, and it starts NOW.
how do i know i can change and become a better person - 'cause the one who began a good work in me/ is faithful to make me complete/ you're the reason that i believe/ i can change'


Tuesday, December 25, 2018

of christmas and fruitcakes

learnt alot from this christmas. in the middle of stress and lookin for spinals and gas induced dreams, there are presents under the christmas tree, tinsel, baubles, lots and lots of roast chicken and moments of fun and cheer. but there is also alot of stress, and not enough spinals, but ITS OK lets forget it all for one day or two. 
~
also been thinking of poetry now and then... the show YOU WHO FORGOT POETRY is most apt to describe this. sometimes, we forget poetry not becos we WANT to, because life comes at us in waves and on boats shouting lots of things and the poetry gets forgotten by the beach. but i dont think it is a BAD thing per se. (ok maybe one day i will need to defrost my heart and love again. but UNTIL THAT DAY, i think, i think, i opt out of the poetry. yes. sometimes i can write really nice poetry with good metaphors. but is it worth it, for the poetry? my artistic side says yes my brain says no there are a million other things to do). 

that being said, there is still alot to give thanks for, like my 5TH SPINAL (am very happy now still). and i know what i need to keep on doing (not slacking off like now). 

merry christmas guys! :)

Sunday, December 23, 2018

In the sea of doubt/keep your sails high/and ride it out

The wind will take u where ur meant to be
And when its over u will clearly see
~

Ive spent many hours pondering what is happiness and joy and such

And one thing i am certain of is that most things are just transient. not to sound jaded or what but it is true!! 

Only in God that one has even got the possibility of finding true happiness.

Well pple come and go that is true. But i also shld do my best to keep my friends around, not be a terrible friend as i know my younger self was. That being said everyone has ways of communication haha. For me i think whatsapp is easiest coz people are like all over the world or doing strange shift hrs (mainly me). 

Anyway, this past yr or so, d, a and bchow have been such a blessing to me seriously. (D and a for so many yrs alr!!). Eye was a slightly traumatic posting tbh coz of the massive learning curve and then the massive crowds but bchow made it so much more survivable. No one else can ever understand what we went through in that posting, coz they are all soooo pro at it haha. Eye noobs to the end haha. 

Anyway, all this is to say that, i shld be more worried abt exams in jan but im not because?! No idea why. I think im just super jaded and numbed out haha. Thank God i finished most of the other exams alr so there isnt like time pressure. Just super malu and expensive to not pass it. THAT'S all. That being said i still need to pass it by nov 2019 omggggggggg. So jan 2019 wld be infinitely preferable

I am trying to study but so tired everyday
Thank goodness for all the snrs tutorials if not i wouldnt study at ALL

Okok one month i have a small smodgen of hope

As i go back to emed next mth too, must keep my eyes on the endgoal - ie be a good doctor that God would be proud of, never leave any stone unturned, do my best for every pt. Its not abt the exams, not abt the quotas. Its the feeling that you have done the Right Thing

I know what i have to do to achieve that level of zen, get into that zone

And doing the right thing also includes seeing pts efficiently, i acknowledge. No point seeing 5 pts a shift but everyone else is battling massive crowds. If i have to stay back late to hit quota, ill do it! I mean i alr did that for 1.5yrs. Whats 4.5 yrs more. Hahahahaahah. It was defo worth it ok. Everyone kept telling me to get a life, get a bf, nurses tried to matchmake me with regs in an attempt to make me spend less time in hosp. But it workedddd and God also helped me to achieve my dream

Its like when i worked super duper hard as a ho and mo to thank God for helping me to pass med sch. The same thing applies! For granting my prayers FINALLY, i vow to be the best emed resident that i can possibly be. 

Thank you God, i promise to try my very best
And for the last week of anes, i will try to be the best anes mo i can be. I acknowledge my 100000 shortcomings but i can still try hahahaah

And dear God, please help me to get 4 more spinals...

~
You're here, you're here
I will never be alonee
In the same small room
Staring at the life ive chosen
Hopin the door's still open
Anywhere you are is sanctuary
You were paying cab fare making sure i made it home
I believed in my worst fears
You were never moving closer
You were only always here
You're here- nicole nordeman

Sunday, December 16, 2018

reflections on 2018

this edited version expresses rather well how this crazy (but intermittently fun) year has been haha. its funny how perspective of the same thing changes between my midyear reflections and how the year pans out at the end of the year. this version better appreciates the nuances of my waiting in the beginning of the year, not dissimilar to waiting for Godot, which turned to joy and rejoicing, and then back to real life - watching ecg rhythmns on steroids dance across the screens of life. but still very much depending on divine intervention to fix everything, through it all.
~

jan 2018
just plodding along in this time and place
bleary eyed mornings, taking the train home in the evenings like a quashed tuna sandwich
dreaming of mountains with wide open expanses, the first snow crunching underneath my feet, footprints in the snow, the salmon leaping up the rivers in the summers

feb 2018
I once saw a peek of the way in a taxi post night shift but since then I think I've fallen off the road so far and so hard and the winds and desert storms and life just came in and I haven't been able to find my way back

mar 2018
Indeed it is true... man can make his own plans, but in the end it is the Lord's way that prevails... and usually God answers our prayers in a manner FAR FAR BETTER than we could EVER EXPECT. (it also took a long time as when i was reading back my old posts, some of the posts were written like nearly 300+ days ago. that is a LONG TIME of waiting and i wont lie the time felt really long too haha

april 2018
two months more to go and i know God is with me. He is always with us in the darkest times, when we feel like we can't hold on anymore. He is with us through the night "you and i we will make it through/ make it through"

YAY I PASSED THE FRCEM INTERMEDIATE!


may 2018
i dont know why it takes so long for me to feel human after each call. last night was up at strange hours watching zdoggmd lol
and his tedmed talk on feeling like a zombie wearing a steth REALLY RESONATED WITH ME
but sadly as i stalk the corridors at 1am with my portable slit lamp... i dont even wear a steth LOL.
at least he has a steth filled with bacteria. i dont even remember when is the last time i took my steth out of my bag

june 2018
the me now knows - it is God that dragged me along in the snow all these years, to this start line. and He won't leave me here now. this is just the beginning and He will be with me for the next 5 years too.

i still believe in the goodness of God and yes it is amazing that after all these yrs i never lost my God. so going for a 3 call week now. see you guys on the other side! God will bring me through safely. i TRUST in Him.

~
july 2018

first week of emresidency!
~
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
I believe that one day I will see Your kingdom come
And I wanna hear You say, "Welcome home my child, well done"

aug 2018
Its national day and im actually leaving hospital in warm sunshine!! Very very rare.
Grateful for the bosses peers nurses and rts in icu who have guided me through the 1st week. Esp for the rts!! Super invaluable. When the rts are nervous abt an airway u know its really a difficult airway...

sept 2018
walking out of cgh after literally living there for 6 mths felt very strange and epic for some reason - for a few mins - then i was too shag and sleepy, couldnt philosophize anymore then got into the cab and slept all the way home.

not forgetting, running to codes with D. Who would have thought we would level up from those nights spent at serene center mcD studying maths, to running to codes?! God's amazing grace and his foresight in providing me friends for the way never fails to amaze me. Thank u for being there and helping me to never lose my God.
~
All my life I longed to be a hero
My sword raised high, running to the battle
I was gonna take giants down
Deep in my chest is the heart of a warrior

~
something abt the first paragraph makes me think of running to code blues. #borntobeED


oct 2018
the most important lesson i learnt from anesthesia is this: being kind to the people around you, IS the most important and best thing you could do. i'm not sure if that is the lesson they meant me to learn, but i am very grateful to that one consultant who guided a stressed out, baby mo through an adult LP

nov 2018
the life well lived doesnt have to be a life well examined only through poetry. you can examine your life in a dimly lit atmospheric japanese hole in the wall restaurant surrounded by sake bottles  with copious amounts of green tea to wash away all traces of stress. and then the week will start again with gases, machines to be checked, or machines that self check. putting the whole ot to sleep inadvertently because of the way you hold the mask.

dec 2018
(on sicu calls) shant talk about how my innergeek ocd traits made me sit in front of the monitors all night staring at the strange ecg rhythms flying across the screens. that even the computer gave up reading and started calling it UNKNOWN ECG RHYTHM. you are telling me, computer.

something i have learnt from my 29 yrs of existance is that... humanly trying doesn't help very much, it's boats beating against the current but staying still. what usually works is pure DIVINE INTERVENTION

~
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe

decompression

my precall prayer before my last sicu call: 
so dear God, please may my patients survive my last upcoming SICU call, may i do the right things, may i hand over accurately the things we ponder about all night. its impossible to have human considerations COMPLETELY out of the picture but at least, just help the pts survive the night. THANK YOU, very much gratitude, my prophylactic prayer.

did it work? UHHHH. well. i guess the patients all survived the night. me and my reg? not sure abt my reg but i woke up today post post call feeling like i had just run the stan chart marathon ytd. it was a very uh action packed call but somehow we managed to crawl out of it alive, so that is good, i guess.

yesterday also marked my last day of sicu, i had been really nervous prior to it starting, and worried about alot of things. but it turned out to be very similar to micu in some ways. i was also very lucky to get a nice team and had 2 really nice and friendly consultants. i also managed to set 1 central line and 2 intubations (bringing my logged intubation count to 16, think i did abt 20 so far since starting residency but didnt really start logging the anes ones until after the first week or so).

i still think i need abit more icu/critical care experience, which some can get from ed, and some from. ccu and maybe electives?? much much more to learn, this is barely scratching the surface

next up: back to OT, then christmas + new year, then back to ed!!
im a bit worried TBH since i havent done ED for 1 year, which is the secret reason why i have been torturing myself with all these exams - part b and c hehe so as to not forget ed stuffs! but at the same time, also really excited to be back for obvious reasons. and now i can intubate a bit more confidently, set central lines, set ventilator settings, set IA lines, do chest tubes, am totally way more useful in resus than just being an iv plug setter and computer documentator haha.

something emed taught me is that when we finally start following God's little nudges and soft voices telling us what is the right thing to do, then everything finally starts working out.

Monday, December 10, 2018

salmon

exhaustion post call, nothing new. i shant talk about how my innergeek ocd traits made me sit in front of the monitors all night staring at the strange ecg rhythms flying across the screens. that even the computer gave up reading and started calling it UNKNOWN ECG RHYTHM. you are telling me, computer.

or the whirl of morning activity to screen all the pts do the morning entries and present the entire icu, IT'S HARD, ive repeated that ad nauseum. i have no idea how everyone else does it so effortlessly. well its an open secret that i am not the fastest energizer bunny out there but dudes, it is IMPOSSIBLE unless u have really uninterrupted timing from 6am to 8am to prepare to do all that. if any major thing happens at that time then all bets are off.

anyway, call last night went a smidgen better than my first call. maybe experience helps, maybe my fervent, last minute, desperate prayers were heard last sunday and God helped to smoothen many things. like rather yummy salmon samurai and bubble tea. being on call with friends! lucy (giving me pantry advice on ecg rhythms), km, jane hehe. the best and sweetest ED con to the rescue when i needed something. (even the anes reg when i told her said OH MAN HE IS SUCH A SWEETHEART. haha). a nice reg who didnt scold me for calling her nonstop (i really thought abt what can i solve before i call the reg, sometimes, there is really just no choice.). i mean there was plenty of desperations and sweating and so forth but there were some salvageable parts of it and i managed to present my morning entire icu pts in a ???relatively coherent, non garbled (???) manner, or maybe the morning con was just nice.

so anyway now doing a million admin things.
part of me wants to learn languages and paint and watch kdramas
another part of me wants to buy all the books in the novena bookstore and learn all about icu and watch amal mattu ecg videos nonstop (hypomattuism hehe). and practice for exam all weekend with my friends "~i get by with a little help from my friendssss"

so its a bit of a disjunct but anyway something i have learnt from my 29 yrs of existance is that... humanly trying doesn't help very much, it's boats beating against the current but staying still. what usually works is pure DIVINE INTERVENTION

so dear God, please may my patients survive my last upcoming SICU call, may i do the right things, may i hand over accurately the things we ponder about all night. its impossible to have human considerations COMPLETELY out of the picture but at least, just help the pts survive the night. THANK YOU, very much gratitude, my prophylactic prayer.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Post post call

Im having severe post post call syndrome. Practically crawled home after icu call ended yesterday. Prob becos the call literally went off with a bang and then i had to do all the morning entries n screen all the pts and present all the icu pts. Which i have to say i did not do with exactly perfect eloquence but at least the listeners were nice abt it. And the reg was SO nice all night, i was so incredibly lucky to get her.

Ok at least all my pts survived, i also made it out alive (i seriously wondered about making it out alive at 755am when i was rushing thru my prep for am rounds). And i know how to prepare better for the next call! The medical bit is ok. Micu taught me really well for this. Heart cgh micu!!! Its the having to present the whole icu and magically know all the am blds when i spent 5am to 730am firefighting and all the bld results come out at 7am that was difficult but UH hopefully next call will be marginally better (??).

Got a spot for exam in jan. Which omg!!!! 2 mths more to prepare OMG. How is it gonna be possible i havent the faintest clue. But i am grateful to the mock osce the other day for making me mug at least a little bit and the snrs for tuts. At least im not completely clueless.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

shooting star





You by the light
Is the greatest find
In the world full of  wrong
You're the thing that's right
Finally made it
Through the lonely
To the other side
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge
Of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time
In the last time
In my only life
And this could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse
Than knowing you're holding back
I could be all
That you needed
If you let me try
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge
Of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time
In the last time
In my only
I only said it 'cause I mean it
I only mean 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up
And holds me close
Whenever I'm without you
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time
In the last time
In my only life
Life
Life
In my only life

~

fall for you - secondhand serenade 
The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting Could it be that we have been this way before? I know you don't think that I am trying I know you're wearing thin down to the core This is not what I intended I always swore to you I'd never fall apart You always thought that I was stronger I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start ~

hahah terrified describes it best
what is IT is another question by itself
i only knew these words and music are beautiful
even the words itself without the music has a lilting quality to it

the secondhand serenade song is beautiful too but it has a quality of a past tense to it. a sense of feelings i might have felt in a past life too far away to remember. i think that in that mythical past life, i might not have fully understood what it meant to love, i think i understand it a little better now. to be very honest with myself, i have never really properly loved someone as per below. but if ever i love again (if my imperfect loves are counted), i will choose a love where i can do this a little better.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

whereAS the song terrified, apart from perfectly summing up what i feel everyday on the eve of new postings, every new posting, no matter how many pgy +++ i become haha, also seems to sing of new things.

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In the world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right
Finally made it
Through the lonely
To the other side

~
at the end of it all (what is IT), i think life is like one big video game. clearing each level, each battle. battles yet to fight, i'll deal with them when they come. for the battles fought and won, for the companionship, thank YOU and YOU and YOU (too numerous to name). thank God for sending various people at various times. 

thank YOU for the continued shared PTSD ramblings (not sure if its a good thing whahahaha) and for keeping me updated on my fav topic of helis. i knew from the start that anyone who loves gatsby is a friend to keep for life hahaha

Memories

Memories of the alhambra the newest kdrama on the block is making my weekend!!

Also having learnt spanish for a few mths i actually understand some of the train announcements. And spain is sooo beautiful. It really feels like im playing a virtual reality game in spain

That said bicu and nicu (real life) has been alternatively fun and chill, much thanks to the nice cons and peers and nurses! Hahahaha meeting old friends is a plus too. Altho it also reminds myself of my past self which... i think i ?levelled up ?evolved alot the past eight years, something which i realized very acutely this past week, which is fantastic! Evolution yo.

Alot of this is thanks to emed. Emed has made me a much better person and made me much more proactive, independant, efficient, a team player, and reccently with all the resus sims and osce practice, team leader skills. What makes me most confident is that i know my team members are my friends so ive got backup always hehe. Like in my weekly ed basemend premed sessions then im always chilling with z and i was telling her all abt our exam resus sim practices and how i guess leading resus is a difficult skill to learn but its fun and we are getting better with practice and she said "dont worry! Just be firm! We will listen to u! Cant wait for u to be reg leh" hahahahaha so kind of her, it is at least 2.5 years more though. Anyway it removes alot of the fear for me, that pple will take it the wrong way if u are too fierce or sth. And we had an icu sim with nicu nurses which was fun coz got to know them better!! And ok i wasnt the leader coz it was an anes icu sim but ended up helping a lot and realized that i can sound firm and yet not like a dictator and also firm enough for my teammates to follow my instructions hahaha. It was great fun and great knowing the simulation practice is working somewhat hehe.

Ok off to do some very delayed admin things oops. And then revise icu stuffs (stresssss). And study for exam. What exam?! *ignorance is bliss

Sunday, November 4, 2018

gas filled dreams

weekends are a time to take stock of the busy week
and to realize that there are 100000 things yet undone omg

d said he needed to cull his hobbies HAHAH im the number 1 person who needs that. french/watercolor/korean dramas/computer games. all lovely things to chill but LOGGING PROCEDURES, STUDYING FOR MCEM, RESEARCH, UPDATING PORTFOLIO yo

not to mention rosh review, emrap, amal mattu, all the things i so love but... like no time. just living one day at a time tackling whatever urgent thing i need to complete before the deadline. 

well its great that i passed the anesthesia baby mo test as that was a great source of stress, and its good that the mock osce has ceased to loom over me and started to inspire me to think of ways to improve and given me loads of epiphanies wahaha

that being said i would love one week off to just sleep/clear my head/ or travel to a nice place and chill. however i DO NOT HAVE THAT ONE WEEK bleh. 

so nevermind. i will take these small pockets of free weekend days to chill. its not much but its ok

to do list for today
1) log procedures
2) premeds
3) church
4) practice at least 2-3 peds osce stations
5) start making my own mcem osce notes
6) MEMORIZE THE SGARBOSSAR CRITERIA

Saturday, November 3, 2018

something just like this

so it transpires that weekends away from the gases are more awake and prime time for reflecting on Life. scrolling through my spotify playlists and recommendations to find something that suits the mood to a T

wondering why so many years out and somehow i can't bring myself to write any poetry

i think the reason is that there are so many unspoken things that don't lend themselves to poetry. things i want to forget. the kind of things, you need a stiff drink with a friend, a friend that understands 100%. the kinds of things that are very specific that literally only a very small percentage of people would Get. that if i actually wrote them down in a verse, they would lose that punch and power. and those are the kinds of emotions going through the dvd player of my life for the past two years. its not the kind of simple feelings like falling in love (love? what is that?) and such. its something too complicated to put into words.

prose might be easier.but the thing is i am addicted to writing poetry. i think my alter ago must be the bard cacophonix in asterix HAHA. writing and sharing (aka forcing my friends to read my poetry) is my all time fav thing in life. well saving people's lives is actually my all time favourite thing. but its very complicated. writing poetry tends to be simpler, and also poems dont require CPR. they just lie in an empty forgotten folder until i resuscitate and edit them years later, having lost all original meaning and me having forgotten the oddly specific contexts under which i must have been compelled to write them in the first place. which is good because i dont think these poems were written because i was so elated i had won an award, or gotten first in class, or won the lottery, usually the exact complete opposite reasons.

anyway all that being said, it's ok, the life well lived doesnt have to be a life well examined only through poetry. you can examine your life in a dimly lit atmospheric japanese hole in the wall restaurant surrounded by sake bottles (as in physically on the walls, not as in i am imbibing the sake), katsu don, bentos, gyozas. with conversations in japanese, chinese, english, medicalese floating comfortably around. with copious amounts of green tea to wash away all traces of stress.

and then the week will start again with gases, machines to be checked, or machines that self check. putting the whole ot to sleep inadvertently because of the way you hold the mask, feelings of well-being when lunch is better than expected.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

ride it out

had ALOT of epiphanies when having a post mock osce dinner with zy ytd
not sure how much of it applies to exam and how much to real life but before a resus scenario, the 1st thing to do is take ur own pulse. and DEFINITELY before the comms station, the 1st thing to do is take your own pulse
and tbh i think it translates to real life too. i realized that the people i idolize, i idolize them not for their ability to run around the resus room like a headless chicken (that is for the newb mo having SVT on their first ever resus shift. even i dont count as a newb mo anymore. haha.) i idolize them for how calm they are in the middle of all the raging storms, no matter how stressful the situation is but they can still calm everyone down. no need to be a gancheong excited spider but can still get the work done, WELL. 
well, not sure if i can ever reach that level of zen-ness in real life. but i can definitely try to reach it in a mock exam osce for starters. haha. 
funny how this song speaks to me even after all these years lol
~
Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you
When you feel afraid
The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith
Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
Keep your sails high
And ride it out
The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe

Saturday, October 27, 2018

the reasons why you brought me here

omg i cant believe i turned 29. spent my birthday taking an anesthesia written test and studying for the practical test the next day. (well actually TRYING to study for practical test next day, what actually happened is that i came home, crashed on my bed and woke up at 6am the next day OOPS).

it has uh been a VERY EXCITING year of being 28. now i have more excuses to assure old aunties and uncles that i am very old (well, slightly older than 28. yay!). anyway amidst the excitement of life, i think i have become a better doctor. not sure about better PERSON but i can definitely try. ANYWAY what is great about this birthday apart from passing the anesthesia tests which i tell ya i was crazy worried about is ofcourse EMRESIDENCY, best gift from God i could ever have! i did spend the 2nd half of the day having peds ed emcc which seems like such a nice touch as a bday present from God. (however i was extremely sleepy as i had been mugging for the test since midnight the night before and consequently fell asleep sitting in the front row several times. uh... points for trying?)

anyway there are always so many times to evaluate one's life/year - like new year, new academic year, birthdays, but it's always good to improve so...

i guess i tend to have a tendancy to do things at the last minute and then have to pray really hard to God to fix my mess, it's great that divine intervention usually comes through but maybe after 29 years of existance it would be good to be more prepared in advance. also to be less untidy, minimalistic etc. should also stop my newfound habit of RETAIL THERAPY. studying mcem osce for 20 mins would probably do more for long term satisfaction than going on online shopping buying of comp games (that my slow comp cant run anw.... omg i wanna buy a proper gaming pc... and i feel like buying an ipad... HAHA). yea you get the point, materialism never ends. there is always something else to buy. which is why i am also surrounded by colorful paints, markers and gel ink pens. altho i have to say they do make me happy. LOL.

anyway, this has been a year well lived, with much to be grateful to God for. there has also been a fair share of waiting and wondering and stress and anticipation and last minute rushing and personality clashes. but God somehow got me through it so i think on the balance it worked out. let's aim to be more prepared, composed, have more em knowledge in my head, study more, play more, travel more, love more, be more self-sufficient and able to draw peace and joy from God and more worthy objects of sustenance (like comp games are abit soul sucking sometimes i think. esp w those forever loading screens, life is MORE THAN A FOREVER LOADING SCREEn im gonna go write a poem about that now.). have more brunches, more runs, more crossfit. more conferences. more cheer.

and also much thanks to my cg mates for being the best cg even years after graduation, the emresidencyfamily for being the best residency ever as far as i can tell, ZY for being my posting buddy, BCHOW for being my eye mo noob buddy, and of course d for consistently being such a great friend since i was 16, as well as running to codes buddy.

~
I know I’d get an answer
That I can’t understand
If I ask that Your intentions be made clear
I know Your plans are greater
And in that greater plan
Lie the reasons why You brought me here

This story would be different
If it were only mine to write
Yeah, as the smoke starts to clear
Ooooh, I hope You know what You’re doin’
‘Cause You brought me here

Now it hurts to be this broken
But it’s bearable somehow
I always heard You loved me
But I think I know it now
Is that the reason why You brought me here
guess I’m grateful that You brought me here
- the reasons why you brought me here - jason gray

Sunday, October 14, 2018

we took the midnight train going anyywhere

if i told you i was down i was down 
would you pick me up
i have this human love
it shattered once or twice
it pulls me up and down its filled with jagged ice 
i have this human heart
~ lift me up, one republic 

anyway reviewing my sept leave, ok the only major thing i didnt finish was the anes videos (that may have been the most impt on retrospect? oh well haha.) 

1) watch all anes intro videos
2) prepare for journal club
3) gym 2x more hahaha
4) drop in to crossfit sometime this wk
5) go running w my neighbor
6) actually submit the abstract
7) dig up old research that is still not finished
8) get dr p to sign 2 last dops
9) roster request for ed posting next yr
10) sign up for ed exam in london
11) claim $$
12) study for mcem c, join teachings on sat


really have no idea how im gonna survive the next 2.5 months.

some ideas/ resolutions
1) FINISH WATCHING ALL THE VIDEOS
2) get my forms all signed off
3) get 9 more dops for LPs
4) pray very hard everyday i somehow do the right things
5) keep watching the machine check video until it miraculously clicks
6) study some mcem c stuffs. practice with SF one day before mock osce OMG (why did i get myself into this again??)

happy things
- go to church. ?cmg agm (somehow when i saw the email it was a ray of light in a dark tunnel. why is my life so full of dark tunnels. NOT SURE. but its worth it for the rays of light)
- study french - makes me sooo happy. je suis contente! (je suis tres fatiguee...)
- try to gym 1x. ok. must focus on passing baby mo test first. i can always crossfit and bodypump my way to muscles... LATER. only 1 chance to pass this test and this posting and fulfil whatever criteria i need to fulfil

truth be told, these few months have been crazy busy, crazy stressful and you get the idea. HOWEVER. bright lights include my love micu! i really think its just that particular hospital haha but i so so loved that micu there. in fact the other day i was sitting in the ed basement office checking on my premeds for monday and i bumped into once of the micu mos and we were SO THRILLED to see each other. haha. just goes to show what an awesome bonding experience micu was.

ok but anyway i think all things considered i survived the past few months, fine not smelling like roses but quite ok. onwards with the next few months! i'll be happy as long as i pass my posting, get my LPs, hopefully 1 or 2 cvps, and not die of embarrassment during the mcem c mock osce. but i think im gonna die of embarrassment during the mcem c osce. SIGH.

then its back to ED! and then exam! omg 1 yr out of ED, not sure if i can rmb anything tbh. FLOATERS! ODD EYE! yes i can remember that much. well thats partly why im forcing myself to do the mcem c (forcing myself is the best way to describe it hahah). okok much of it is voluntary... voluntarily forcing myself. coz i really wanna a) keep in touch with ed b) pass the mcem before they stop the international mcem thingy c) clear my exams soon so i can spend time going for lovely ed conferences

so will keep my focus on the ENDGAME. YEAH I CAN DO THIS

dont stop believing

listening to glee on a random sunday morning to psych myself up haha

well i dont really know what i can or should say about anes, BUT i can say that the past 2 weeks ended on a nice note with my first spinal ever supervised by a very very nice consultant. i have done LPs before on babies but this was essentially my first adult LP. however the actual procedure (and the joy at getting a DOPS signed off plus handed up - 1 out of 10, 9 more to go!) was actually nothing compared to the kindness of the consultant. it made me realize that whether kindness is an effective teaching tool or not, it is really much more nicer and humane a teaching tool. i can't speak for everyone obviously, but i hope to be a kind person too and not to make others want to run out crying from any room i am in. some consultants are so nice and kind that you HERO IDOLIZE them and feel that you would do ANYTHING for them. i can think of plenty of ED cons whom i would do that for actually. dr F, dr S, dr j, dr k, etc... the list goes on. so yes. i have learnt how to intubate better, how to bag and mask, and im getting there with the infusion pumps i swear. but the most important lesson i learnt from anesthesia is this: being kind to the people around you, IS the most important and best thing you could do. i'm not sure if that is the lesson they meant me to learn, but i am very grateful to that one consultant who guided a stressed out, baby mo through an adult LP. 

anyway now i need to finish ALL THE ANES ONLINE VIDEOS today. good luck to me. hahaha

Friday, September 28, 2018

somehow we keep marchin on

so realized today that my crossfit aspirations are unlikely to materialize for the simple fact that i cannot wake up at 6am to lift weights lol
i can run on no sleep, but i cant lift weights on no sleep sadly

ANYWAY so i sit down to do the neverending stats prep and open my new shiny fcem stats book (i have a real problem with buying books. in that i have a severe addiction to buying books. thank goodness for call money, makes me feel less bad...) . and the journal article i see is "provision of tea and coffee in the ed to reduce left without being seen rates" LOL

hearts

~
there's so many wars we fight
there's so many things we're not
but with what we have
i promise you
we're marchin on
for those doubts that swirl all around us
for all the plans we've made
there isnt a flag i'd wave 

marchin on - one republic

fighting for you

random thoughts
- chilling is DA BEST
- now this holiday is ending soon, its time to really WORK

is kinda fun arranging tutorials with snrs for exam but also VERY SCARY
like how am i gonna put all the knowledge into my head in time??
like the one thing i am trying to avoid is showing my direct seniors how chui i am. like how am i qualified to lead a resus right now omg.

on the other hand! the whole point of taking the exam is to BE A BETTER DOCTOR
so yeah. need to challenge myself (i feel very challenged right now yeah)
so that when the REAL THING COMES in 2.5 yrs + time, I WILL BE ABLE TO DO IT

it's gonna be ok (keep repeating to self)

on the BRIGHT SIDE, i finally submitted my abstract today. after dragging it out for AGES
felt so satisfied after that
then watched mcem online vids on LP/ sick child resus/ IO insertion

plans for tmr
- crossfit
- claim insurance thingy
- french class
- watch EBM vids

plan for sat
- FINISH EBM 2

plan for sun
- watch anes videos
- church
- try and start on adult research paper edits

french class has been really fun. but realistically, i dont think that i should play in the sand anymore. it has been great building sandcastles but honestly it is time to work

i just needed this spark to light the fires and i'm off!

... once i settle this irritating insurance thingy. yes.

anyway, shall count my blessings- a roof over my head, aircon in this crazy heatwave, one week off to chill, regather my thoughts, re-inspire myself. also very grateful to have leave approved for exam, takes a whole lot of stress out of it. ok a bit of the chunk of stress. to have friends to mug with and go for tutorials with. its so fun organizing exam tuts with SF! read back our whatsapp and the last time i whatsapped sf was abt the super fun international meeting we were able to help the organizers with. HAHA good memories. and good food at the dinner on the last day i rmb. to have time to explore crossfit. to finally have submitted the abstract. a HUGE load off my shoulders. thank u God for showing me that that busy season of my life didnt go to waste (i spent so long as a paeds mo doing that project...). the past few weeks ive also had alot of time to go out to eat yummy food - becos i believe that in life one must... live life not lock onself in the room and hope works magically gets done... u just get burnt out. for instance jap food (TEMPURA), bakerand cook, thai food, u get the gist, loads of yummy food was consumed.

i shan't think of negative things like. aiya there are many. lets not think of them *cough central line cough

THAT being said. running ytd at 6am and not being able to complete the run (well i could. after chilling on the bench like 10mins HAHA) taught me that - i should PACE MYSELF and not run faster than i know i can. coz i figured i am a CROSS COUNTRY runner and i shld be able to keep up the pace.. yea right, not when u dont run properly for like a year, and ur already quite unfit and not running at the cross country pace to begin with. and i am STILL ACHING. omg. it is like so many days alr. and its like 2.4km not even a marathon! yes pacing is impt, but REGULAR TRAINING is also very impt

argh so many things to do
elves pls sort out my insurance magically tonight..

~
cos you're the right time at the right moment
you're the sunlight keeps my heart going~

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Reflections on leave d2

D2 of leave hahaha weekend doesnt count k and so far ive done the following
- italki french lesson x 1
- 1 ep of coffee break french
- gym x 1 (combat)
- abstract + poster for conf next yr
- botanics trip + urban sketching
- sorted out 101 admin for anes posting
- handed up minicex + intubation dops
- paid all da billz for sept

I feel soo efficient haha
Now i have left:
1) watch all anes intro videos
2) prepare for journal club
3) gym 2x more hahaha
4) drop in to crossfit sometime this wk
5) go running w my neighbor
6) actually submit the abstract
7) dig up old research that is still not finished
8) get dr p to sign 2 last dops
9) roster request for ed posting next yr
10) sign up for ed exam in london
11) claim $$
12) study for mcem c, join teachings on sat

Omg so much more to do than i have done. But yknow what if ed has taught me anything its that having a life is impt. Yes i work hard but i play hard too ;p sooo bring on the french classes and the crossfit and the running (i think i havent run for like a yr. So unfit). Its in the chill moments that we recharge our batteries and use the other side of our brains that doesnt deal w medicine and that makes us better drs. Not just in terms of remembering the medical stuff but in terms of making us happier people so you dont have a short fuse.

Oh ya another random thought. It is soooo awesome having a buddy in residency. I mean i have many buddies in residency including zy!! But i mean like a built in buddy who went thru med sch with me and who was there since the days of patho and microb ahahaah. Like someone u can ask any qn and u dont have to be worried they will be annoyed (whahaha sorry).

AND on a separate note, not forgetting, running to codes with D. Who would have thought we would level up from those nights spent at serene center mcD studying maths, to running to codes?! God's amazing grace and his foresight in providing me friends for the way never fails to amaze me. Thank u for being there and helping me to never lose my God.

Monday, September 24, 2018

what if i gave everything

what if i gave everything - casting crowns
All my life I longed to be a hero
My sword raised high, running to the battle
I was gonna take giants down
Deep in my chest is the heart of a warrior
So why am I still standing here?
Why am I still holding back from You?
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
So afraid what it might cost to follow You
I'd walk by faith if I could get these feet to move
But I don't want to live that way
I don't want to look back someday
On a life that never stepped across the line
You've given me a faith that can move a mountain
But I'm still playing in the sand
Building little kingdoms that'll never stand
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
I'm so tired of standing here
What if I gave everything to You?
What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
I want to see some mountains move
Ready to give everything
~

something abt the first paragraph makes me think of running to code blues. #borntobeED 
i need to stop playing in the sand, all those little kingdoms that'll never stand

a million things

a million things to read for anesthesia posting (and also the popup doesnt work very well so im listening to lectures on how to check the machine sans actual pictures... anes podcasting! #foamed)

although i feel very stressed (WHAT IS NEW), at the same time its good to know that alot of the stress is ??self-inflicted and actually i have freedom to go to the gym, chill, learn french, go out for yummy food, etc. basically unwind a very very tight ball of stress. ok actually there are alot of things to be done but as per my twitterhandle: I'LL DO IT LATER

anyway this is just to say that God clearly knows best. like seriously. i dont know how i expected to do all this stuff in time if i didnt take leave this weeek just to chill

and also that as a medical student in edin i actually wanted to do anesthesia until i found out the gases make me super sleepy... i remember idolizing the cool anes trainee that gave me a lift home from st john's in livingstons back to pollock halls. so i cant believe i actually get to do this omg. the activation energy (Ea) whenever one starts a new posting is really terrifying... but I CAN DO THIS!! and pluss going with my embuddy zy, its gonna be finee (self-cheerleader)

okok timetable for today
1030am to 12ish PEDS RESEARCH
12ish french italki class
2pm go to hosp to do some admin things, check out academialibrary
5pm interval training at paragonn

INERTIA

Saturday, September 22, 2018

sound of surviving

walking out of cgh after literally living there for 6 mths felt very strange and epic for some reason - for a few mins - then i was too shag and sleepy, couldnt philosophize anymore then got into the cab and slept all the way home. EXTREME SLEEP DEPRIVATION after not sleeping properly for the preceding few days. first preparing m&m til 1am at night, then preparing m&m at 4am in the sgh p3 room (while chatting to nurses hahah), then m&m (i sense a theme here), to my horror i realized a few days after that this m&m GOT MARKS ONE. omg so horrified but by then i was way past caring. too exhausted. yes then i was on call (which only had abt 1+ hr of sleep), then last minute post call excitement as i was handing over at 745am. literally going out with a bang with the last few minutes of micu call and also my LAST CGH CALL EVER

haha anyway. the past 6 months i have learnt more than i could ever have imagined. about eye conditions, about ICU stuffs, ventilators, CRRT. and most importantly... about LIFE. i dont think this place is the right place to talk about what i learnt about ICU. yet if i dont record it, this precious memory will slip away from me and i wont remember it in many years time...
i guess what i can say is that cghmicu is unequivocally the BEST ICU ever (i am clearly biased). no seriously. the nurses, RTs and of cos mos/ regs/ cons are really the nicest and pro-est ever. and altho alot of the time it feels like we are fighting a losing battle so hard against pneumonias, viruses and the inevitability of life, i think that the way they go about this fight is so commendable. it's what we dream of in medical school, it's why we signed up for this. to heal when you can, to comfort always. its what i said at my (multiple) medical school interview(s) but i truly, truly, understood it during this posting. watching my HERO dr j have his family conferences, i felt that i MUST reach that standard next time.

also the last lunch i had postcall with my HEROS the icu regs was very very inspiring. the NICEST, humblest, gentlest icu regs you will ever find, i am so blessed to have worked with and learnt from them. they were teaching me such useful life lessons, i will rmb that lesson longer than i remember how to set ventilators hahaha. to not care what other people think and to go through life smiling no matter what. thank u dr m and dr p! and thank u dr p for teaching me how to intubate!! every patient i ever intubate, i will remember you standing in that micu room telling me to prepare my pts, prepare my equipment, prepare my assistants hehe

thank you to BCHOW. i would have died during the 6 mths of eye if not for you. i jest not. i literally could just have combusted. you are the ONLY PERSON who understands what i went through doing that eye posting as a complete eye noob. thank you for doing all those i and ds for my pts chalazions. for seeing my walk in pts when i am drowning (altho often halfway HAHAHa but okok thanks for dilating them). for all the moral support.

to the eye pros- ann/stanley/chris/dex- for putting up with us despite our noobness, for clearing cases with us when we are not sure, thank u so much

to my fellow icu mos - esp to trish and zy my fellow ed buddy - thank u for teaching me how to set central lines and ia lines!! and about crrt and ventilators!

to my ho r - THANK you for listening to my m&m. i have never before dragged my ho to listen to me run thru my m&m but i was desperate coz i had close to zero time to prepare it and was so sleep deprived that my sense of societal decorum abit blunted hahah.

and so ends 6 mths of epic-ness, learning loads of new things and doing alot of things i never imagined i could do by myself. on to anesthesia! with a much needed 1 week break thank God for that.

oh yea. the 1 week break. what can i say except - GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST.
what really struck me about the whole escapade/shennigan was that usually, God is protecting us from something. and what you get is not always what you want, but what God knows that you NEED. so with that, i will keep on running.

~

you're up to something bigger than me
larger than life
something heavenly
whatever you're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos
but now i can see...

~

They told me
I'd never get to tell my story
Too many bullet holes
It would take a miracle
But my story is only now beginning

These pieces
The ones that left me bleeding
Intended for my pain
Became the gift You gave me
I gathered those pieces into a mountain
My freedom is in view
I'm stronger than I knew

And this hill is not the one I die on
I'm going to lift my eyes and
I'm going to keep on climbing

I'm still here
Say it to the pain, say it to the rain
Say it to your fear

This is the sound of surviving
This is my farewell to fear
This is my whole heart deciding
I'm still here, I'm still here
And I'm not done fighting
And I am still rising, rising

~
cos i still believe in your truth
cos i still believe in your faithfullness
even when i dont see
i still believeeeeeeeee

 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

born to be yours

So ive just finished my month of icu, it was really awesome. Loved running to codes and mets. Much thanks to the bosses esp my hero dr k, fellow mos, amazing ac dr p the anesthetist haha, nurses, icu sisters and rts! I never thought i would love icu so much and truth be told i was pretty scared before it all started. But i learnt so much from just 1 mth thanks to the RTs daily ventilator teaching, numerous breakfast tutorials, ultrasound teachings, simulation sessions and airway sessions. It was kinda stressful fitting all that teaching into the days haha but it was worth it! But really best of all was the people that made it such a great posting. Thanks t for always encouraging me about lines and reminding me when its my turn and giving me tips. Thanks to the amazing dr p who taught me so well i got 3 intubations in a row! Thanks to Dr K for teaching me what it means to be a good doctor. both medically and also how to show sincerity and kindness to patients. it is honestly very rare to actually find a consultant who goes out of his way to show kindness to his patients especially in a busy intense ICU but i actually witnessed it. both to the patients and their families at what must be some of the most difficult times of their lives. I genuinely hope to grow up to be a consultant like Dr K. both in terms of his paces knowledge HAHAHA and also the way he talks to pts and their families.

In the short weekend lull before the crazy workweek starts again ive been chionging research, back to ce one of my fav places in the world. Haha i have so many homelands but ed and ce will definitely always be my second home. It was sooooo nostalgic going back. Just walking past the pharmacy and past rm 17, past the procedure rm and ob room where the nebs are done. I almost felt like taking a mask like i usually do from that room and starting a shift haha. So much has changed since i last walked out of ce but ce has stayed exactlY the same, so reassuring and constant.

That being said, i really cant describe how proud i am to be part of my program. Cant think of a better club to be part of and any cooler companions for this journey. Love being able to identify myself as being from ed hahaha. Best choice ever of God to give me that mopex posting 2 yrs ago.

There is SO MUCH to do before i go on leave in sept. no kidding. NO IDEA how i am going to finish it. BUT i will trust in God. also my central lines. how am i going to get all those lines. i have NO CLUE but i will keep watching the online central line videos over and over again and listening to all the podcasts and then maybe one day the central lines will magically start going in. well think about it. i could NOT for the life of me see the optic nerve as a medical student until one day i magically saw it (transiently) - thought it wouldnt matter until i landed up in SIX MONTHS of eye and it suddenly became of UTMOST importance to see the optic nerve. haha. so many one day i will be super good at central lines too.

HOW AM I GOING TO finish my research before the deadlines and get my mini cex and my lines and 3 calls. plus pack my bag before i fly off.

okok DON'T PANIC - as per h2G2. IT WILL BE FINE

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Smoke and mirrors - reflection on icu week 1

Its national day and im actually leaving hospital in warm sunshine!! Very very rare.
On my way to overjoyed to check out sketchbooks. 

Grateful for the bosses peers nurses and rts in icu who have guided me through the 1st week. Esp for the rts!! Super invaluable. When the rts are nervous abt an airway u know its really a difficult airway...

Learning alot from icu. And must get one cvc and one ia line by next wk!!

Back to the grind tmrr

Saturday, July 28, 2018

random thoughts on month 1

month 1: IM
- survived (?) 1 IM call so far and (nearly) 1 month of IM.
- am EXTREMELY proud of the amazing residency program i somehow signed up for. i WISH i knew of this amazing program in med school haha i would DEFINITELY have signed up from med school straight. if only i had spent my med school final yr really going round the booths in the residency fair instead of just sitting in the paeds room hahah i might have been tempted by the AWESOME simulation scenarios. was watching the simulation scenarios on my phone on the mrt home from wkend rounding and they are hilariously funny. if i was a med student at this fair it would be like... where do i sign up for this!! also, post welcome dinner drinks was fun too! pity i had to leave early due to rounding the next day
- on that point, waking up early everyday to round is very tiring but my im team is also v awesome! this team really taught me the meaning of TEAMWORK.
- am also v grateful that God put nic and deb (cms juniors that i just never happened to meet in med sch) in my teams as my hos. and meeting shaun randomly in kopitiam too was nice. it just felt like God was watching out for me (and not letting me drift too far away like a lost sheep from the fold)

aims for next month
- hopefully set 10 cvcs!
- hopefully not be too noob at icu. ok. i dont have high expectations for myself. somehow survive ICU.
- er... gym once?
- er... submit my paper? (hahahah)
- er do a minicex (???)
- find a supervisior

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

just the way you are

had a v intense FIVE HOUR stats session running on v little sleep (resulting from last minute hw rushing of aforementioned stats hw). made very enjoyable by good teachers hehe so nice to see friendly faces teaching us! also shared camaraderie from all not knowing the answer hahaha. wah i dunno how i am gonna take an EBM exam in five years time. hahaha at all the loaded words "risk" "likelihood" "bias". medical school taught us stats but not really how to answer qns for stats vivas EBM leh

then opened my set of ED hw to be done in the next two weeks. seems like 1 yr ago that i spied was it tw or sharon who had this set of ED HW to be done and wishing so hard i could do it too (and then fast forward to us all doing our homework the night before tskkk haha). flipped open the first page to a cherry red spot staring me in the face (fundoscopic picture). HAHA told dr p - SPOT diagnosis. HAHAHAHA sorry lame joke. tbh i have never seen a cherry red spot pt. only the amazing BCHOW diagnosed this on like his 1st or second week of ACC eye clinic leh. and u really need to dilate to see the macula properly (unless u have a slit lamp available and even then only people who have done an eye posting before really know how to see slit lamp)

daily learning alot. really thank God that i only started this 4 yrs after graduating cos even now i'm learning new things everyday. i can't imagine doing this first day of being a doctor LOL learning all this stuff concurrently with doing the usual HO stuff is completely impossible. thank God for He knows what is best for us all the time :)

two more weeks before i start icu posting.
a little, no very nervous but MUST study omg.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

greys anatomy b team/ starry night

coolest new find today is greys anatomy b team! greys always makes life better!!

remembering when we first started hatching this crazy idea to be doctors - in the assembly area at rg in the morning years ago and discussing this cool new show greys anatomy with jay

fastforward to all those days spent watching greys instead of studying anatomy HAHAHA in year 1.

ok the series is v short and it's a webseries but alot of it hit very close to home HAHA the locker room talk (substitute that with MO room). and the enthusiastic intern who can't take blood very well and poked the pt 2x (cough). the enthu intern (aiyah they are all enthu) who got distracted and led her boss the wrong way and couldnt find the pt's room. i also liked taryn who started talking to the liver lol.





love the smoooth feel of this song

2 weeks in

reflections on the past two weeks
- learning alot from IM and also the courses ive been going for reccently. acls was a useful refresher after 6mths of eye HAHA. and fccs was great to learn abt ventilator settings! although it felt like the ed cons were having fun quizzing us at their stations "year 1 residents! you guys are babies!". not to mention that those ED cons are such amazing teachers!! so many ED heros. i really enjoyed those stations coz it felt very applicable to us.

- knowing what to do for an inpatient is very different from just admitting the pt from ED. haha. i have alot more to learn. but i'm getting there!!!

principles i shall live by
- try to study something every night (impossible as i just fall asleep every night immediately on coming home haha. and the only days i come home early-ish is on ED teaching days HAHA)
- to always be honest and admit. if i dont know something be it some small nugget of information abt the pt or some medical fact -then admit it.
- if i am not sure about something then i should admit that i don't know and ask the reg. it's true that maybe it's something i SHOULD know but then - too bad, i am jack of all trades and master of none hahaha so i will just for the sake of safety and kiasuness - check with the reg if i am not sure. sometimes they may not know also, who knows, haha. some people take alot of responsibility on themselves - well i can't sleep at night if i am not sure if i did the right thing or not. i can sleep at night if people think i am stupid or have low threshhold for escalating lol. ANYWAY, if i ask and find out the right answer - i'll know it for next time!
- try very hard to gym errr 1 time per week haha

plans for my one weekend day off
- prepare for journal club
- church
- ?gym


Saturday, July 7, 2018

reflections on halfway through 2018!

so, a little heavy on the footprints in the snow philosophizing, hahaha. hey whatever it takes to get you through the night while waiting for the sun to rise...

~

jan 2018
i really do think that even after all these years, God is still walking this road with me.
just REALLY REALLY miss ED with every fibre of my being. that's all.

feb 2018
yesterday as i made it to ash wednesday, reaching halfway through the mass and leaning against the wall. realizing what i was leaning against was the church logo - 2 fish and 5 loaves. tracing the blue tiles that made up the fish and realizing that in this life, it was only when i truly believed with a child like faith and was at the end of my tether, that God would give me from two fish and 5 loaves, fish and bread in abundance, more than i had ever expected or deserved.  never in the time i had thought, but in His time. just that it also rarely occured according to a timetable i had wanted. but that it was BETTER in God's timetable

mar 2018: He makes everything beautiful in His time
so first off - it has been a very very long journey but THANK YOU GOD

coming back to edin for a few days has made me absolutely convinced that God was with me those days. theres no snow in sg but i know that in the story of my life, the last 3 yrs or so, walking in the dark tunnels of uncertainty, God was there guiding me.

april 2018:
YAY I PASSED THE FRCEM INTERMEDIATE!

He always finds a way back for us. i remember once there was a (literal) door of mercy we could walk through and then after that we were supposed to go for confession. literally on the last day of this special thing i went for confession (last minute as always) and the priest actually commented "it's the last day! you made it just in time! God has been waiting for you to come back to Him" and woahhhhh the significance of that.

may 2018:
today during pentecost as the waves of the opening hymn washed over the church and the smoky incense filled the room i just knew that God is going to save me. He is going to bring me through this last month plus safely all the way to the last stretch.

june 2018
i mean he did literally drag me along the snowy streets of edinburgh in the middle of winter. not just the one set of footprints in the snow but more of "and there is where i dragged you for a little while". this is just the beginning and He will be with me for the next 5 years too.

i'm going all in/ you are my everything

first week of emresidency!

it was appropriately packed and exciting
d1 of life: POSTCALL. rounded for IM. sorted out residual eye pts. went sgh to pick up shiny new laptop - hello friend for the next few years!
d2: rounded for IM in am, cab w zy to emcc and then emcc in pm (hearts). what can i say. it was so awesome walking into the room knowing that out of the huge cohort of ?40+ residents i pretty much know all of them and all of them are my good friends after slogging through tough night shifts together for yrsss. instead of being a brand new shiny ho and being intimidated by a roomful of people you dont know hahah. its so nice to belong somewhere, plus to belong somewhere with this handful of awesome people, is a nice plus i didn't really anticipate before!
D3 - ACLS in am, passed it yay! good refresher ++ . pm - IM roundS
d4: action packed from am to pm omg. can't give more details but essentially from am when i reached hosp then my ho calls me "e you need to come down to ed resus STAT!! they say team mo needs to come now" until pm still calling for hd bed (for diff pts).
d5 ( weekend) - studying for FCCS course + chill (more of chilling). mugging the PF ratio
tmr -  weekend rounddd

~

one of my fav songs seems v appropriate right now. on the edge of something new. i'm excited but also there is a pressure to perform (?). but YKNOW what. i survived FOUR YEARS of uncertainty with plenty of pressures to perform (sometimes i definitely performed better than other times and vice versa hahaha. but i surviveddd all that, eventually.

~
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We're all dying to live but we're all scared to death
I believe that one day I will see Your kingdom come
And I wanna hear You say, "Welcome home my child, well done"
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
I'm not turning back around 'cause there's no turning back now
I'm going all in
Headfirst into the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won't win
All to You, Jesus, I freely give
As long as there's breath in these lungs I will live
With reckless abandon, my heart in Your hands
I surrender it all, I'm going... (I'm going all in)

~

i'm going all in
gonna try my best
some things i'm not very good at (cough intubation cough icu stuffs cough impressing new rotations on my first day)

but i'm gonna overcome all these things one by one!
as one of my heros (in ce hehe) once told us - if you are not good at something or not comfortable w it just recognise it and keep on doing more of it until you become proficient at it! that's how i became good at m&rs (used to avoid those cos i was scared of them... but after multiple m&rs and the amazing dr F who taught me the trick i can do m&rs w haematoma block all alone by myself in p3 area ahahah. but good to have a fellow mo to apply backslab lah. and a strong nurse to apply traction defo helps).

Monday, June 25, 2018

you are known/ broken things

one more week (and 3 calls!). I have to admit that i am lacking in many many ways and there are many things i have to do which are yet undone. but last sunday as i made it to church after missing 2 sundays (due to being postcall completely shagged and overslept even the 6pm mass sigh), felt a deep sense of peace. God telling me yet again to stick it out and keep on going (truth be told i am so numb beyond feeling and burntout lol). these few weeks i have been relaxing a lot by learning new languages and painting and also using my 1 week of leave to do things like take italki classes (my fav hobby), do a crossfit trial and stuff. it has been fun and also helped me to remain sane. emed has also been crucial in the maintanance of sanity. 
however as the start approaches i'm also realizing that i need to brushup on a lot of general internal medicine knowledge lol. i can remember the general ed stuff becos i spent so long in ed and i also studied for exams like 3 mths ago so there is some knowledge there. but the im stuff is rather dustyyy (note - i have never been an im mo becos right out of med school i started as a paeds mo and then i did ed after that.) so there is a bit of stress to perform that i'm only now realizing. coupled with the stress of surviving the last week of eye, which by itself is stressful enough (cough 3 calls...). 
well, i guess it's good that i pre-anticipate that i'd need to perform instead of completely being caught up in surviving eye and not revising any im lol. and my huuuge fccs coursebook seems like it can be very educational. it has been awhile since i pondered the causes of hyponatremia to be very honest. although i feel like i have mugged this topic many times in different permutations. 
i also have many thoughts on Life but i think we'll leave those for another time. it's difficult to balance enjoyment of life with things one NEEDs to do. like i really wanna learn languages and paint. but i think that in the balance of things there are some other things i need to do now. it was fun learning a new language this month. haha. and i have no doubt that it would be useful when i travel to that country. i also loved surprising the teacher on italki that i knew so much vocab just 2 weeks into starting out. but in church i felt a lot of peace when i promised God that i would focus on emed (well i think there is alot of logging to do. and alot of reading to do. and i only have so much brainspace. and memorizing spanish verbs fries the brain alot.) for this 5 years. 
i mean he did literally drag me along the snowy streets of edinburgh in the middle of winter. not just the one set of footprints in the snow but more of "and there is where i dragged you for a little while". all those twilight evenings walking home myself philosophizingabout the meaning of life and all the teenage angst hahahh. i survived all that and also then many postings some more enjoyable than others and finally grit my teeth through the last six months (arguably the hardest six months.)
the me many years ago after a levels firmly thought that it was my determination that got me through a levels
the me now knows - it is God that dragged me along in the snow all these years, to this start line. and He won't leave me here now. this is just the beginning and He will be with me for the next 5 years too. 
i'm sort of pre-philosophizing this now becos on my last day (or night) of being a mopex mo i will be ON CALL, and then after that POSTCALL so i will have no time to philosophize all that. 
but anyway i still believe in the goodness of God and yes it is amazing that after all these yrs i never lost my God. so going for a 3 call week now. see you guys on the other side! God will bring me through safely. i TRUST in Him. 
~
matthew west - broken things
If grace is a kingdom
I’ve stopped at the gate
Thinking I don’t deserve to pass through after all of the mistakes I’ve made
But I heard a whisper
As Heaven bent down
Said, “Child, don’t know you that the first will be last and the last get a crown.”
Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring You so much more
But if it’s true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I am all Yours
The pages of history they tell me it’s true
That it’s never the perfect; it’s always the ones with the scars that You use
It’s the rebels and the prodigals; it’s the humble and the weak
The misfit heroes You chose
Tell me there’s hope for sinners like me
Grace is a kingdom
With gates open wide
There’s seat at the table just waiting for you
So, come on inside
matthew west - you are known 
[Intro]
If you wonder if the prayers you pray
Are bouncing off the ceiling, you're feeling alone
I want you to know-ow-ow-oow, know-ow
You are known

[Verse 1]
This ain't the end, it's just the start of unbelievable
And you wouldn't even believe if you saw what I see in you

[Verse 2]
I know your greatest fear, I know your biggest mistake
Every square inch of your heart, I know what makes it break
And I am the One who bends down and picks up every single piece
Every single breath you breathe, every single hair on your head
Even the chapters of your life that haven't happened yet
And I know the plans that I have are bigger than your wildest dreams

i run to you

the afters - i run to you When the road has left me empty When I'm broken, tired, down and out When the darkness feels too heavy Whe...