Saturday, September 9, 2017

carry on/ if we've ever needed you

carry on - kutless 
There is strength in my weakness
That only comes from You
You know I'm weak
I know You're strong
You say when I'm broken
And can't carry on
Carry on
When all my strength is gone
You're still holding on
There is love for the lonely
That only comes from You
There is peace and forgiveness
That I have found in You
You are the Way
You are the light
You are the voice calling me through the night
(You are Holy and just
Full of mercy and love
You are patient and kind
Your grace has opened my eyes)

dream - the best hit ost
(a different, prettier translation)

i thought i could get it
the moments i dreamed of
so i stood up to it
holding a faith without reason
in the end you'll catch it

everyday i pray that i'll catch it
there must be a bright light at the end of the tunnel
i was hopelessly running and running
so i wanted to see that bright light
i think i should go a little more
i should wake up the reference book for running again
but my reality is so overwhelming
as if i were falling down
it was a dream i want to achieve by dedicating everything to it
the more i try why the harder is it
as time goes on, i just want to sit down

if there is a God, please listen to me
i can only do barefoot walking on a thorny path
i pray for my dream
sometimes stop and look up to the sky
i still have a dream to achieve
i need to hold on a little longer
i should pick up pieces of memories that looked back tens of thousands of times
its ok at the latest, what if it's a little late?

pre night shift listening to music and also trying to make myself watch frcem videos haha

having alot of obsessions lately ranging from learning korean, italki lessons (korean) - which are really great btw, i can talk in korean for 1 hr!!!! so awesomeee. and now learning french. and bullet journalling. (before that was inkscape which is kinda like adobe illustrator). and then oh yeaH learning how to use my new gopro :):)

i really think i shld start to be obsessed abt frcem intermediate videosss
cos ultimately the most impt thing is being safe right? and the more i know then also the safer i'll be? but the workload is so shag nowadays that i just wanna chillax like anything when i'm home. its like running a daily marathon. dont get me wrong i LOVE marathons. they're just tiring. and sometimes they are over-tiring and you get HEAT EXHAUSTION and RHABDO. you get the idea. 

hahaha thinking back to when i first started adult ed. i was SO INNOCENT and IDEALISTIC. even when i was still in the chillax hospital ed, even tho i did some busyed shifts, i didnt fully realize the extent of the workload and hadnt been jaded yet, cos of how chillax the environment was. now i'm like. very very shag and exhausted and jaded. i still love it though (in a far less idealistic way) and i still wanna do it. i guess i definitely understand better what it takes. something that has not changed is that i'm still up for anything! this is definitely NOT my own character trait but something that came to me over the years after all the years of ed life. or rather, it is like my own character but drawn out of me by the years of exposure from ed life, ed people and how i know we are supposed to be? like after awhile you emulate the people around you and everyone in ed - mos, bosses, nurses are all very fast-paced, fearless, willing to try new things... kind of basically what you see in tv dramas. i think it's basically what i always wanted to be but i couldnt get myself to be like that until i physically joined ed then it was very easy to just slip into that mindset after literally marinating myself in that environment for 2 years hahaha. i guess ed makes me a better person. 

i dont really know what to say abt applications but this sums it up well
you say when im broken/ and can't carry on/ carry on/ when all my strength is gone/ you're still holding on 

making plans to go back to edin for exams makes me think of the miracles. so many years ago. somehow the idea of runnin up arthur's seat again makes me think of the time i tripped over my shoelace and fell and picked myself up again. haha. i knew that was symbolic then thats prolly why that image stuck in my memory all those years. its funny cos the miracle was leaving edin? but when i close my eyes i can see the streets of edin very very clearly as if i was there right now. things like eating ice-cream after watching the world cup. things like snowball fights after birthday celebrations. 
theres eusem in glasgow next year i think? dont know if i'll ever have any papers to submit for it. i only went to glasgow for one day in my entire life but i remember that day very very clearly. hahah i remember it was my birthday and my friends surprised me with a bday celebration when we came back from glasgow that day. edin brought alot of love, happiness and also angsty stress times into my life, no doubt. but isnt it so great that when's all said and done, when i think of edin i think of God working miracles? that's really such a great happy ending. maybe i should have been more chillax and happier and less uptight then - if only i had known how well it would all turn out. in comparison nus med (which was actually the RESULT) of the miracle was much more... tamer and less dramatic. filled with everyday happiness like cg bonding, hilarity (ok LOADS of), stressful preparing for mbbs but so much tempered with the funniness of clerking with yj - things like clerking the wrong pt, clerking the right pt with wrong dx, clerking people with altered mental status, dropping her handphone into the pt's bag of belongings and having to dig thru the pt's things, presenting hx with SOB +++ after running up stairs to make it to tut. HAHA. so funny how life works huh?

so i decided to be as chillax as possible now. i know i was really uptight in the past. but sometimes life works in a funny way and you need to balance everything out. you might wanna be less uptight but others might perceive it that its less than perfection or not approve of it? haha. so its a balancing etc. i dont pretend to be perfect and may nv be. but you know what? since i stepped into adult ed, there has only been one thing running through my mind "God is going to save me. i dont know how or why or when, but He is going to bring me through this. it's going to be ok". 

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