Saturday, September 30, 2017

i have this hope

some encouraging songs on a saturday morning!

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go
~ i have this hope, tenth avenue north

If grace was a kingdom
I stopped at the gate
Thinking I don’t deserve to pass through after all the mistakes that I’ve made

I wish I could bring so much more
But if it’s true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I'm all Yours

The pages of history they tell me it’s true
That it’s never the perfect; it’s always the ones with the scars that You use
~ matthew west, broken things

Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands

Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
You're behind and before me
~ control, tenth avenue north

to do list
- meet quota today without staying back too late HAHA
- start preparing presentation
- pay conf fees
- start packing luggage
- start buying warm inner clothes. SO I DONT FREEEEZE

wishlist  [ie, things i may not and dont HAVE to actually do, but WANT to do haha]
- buyyy pretty journals (rhodia etc)
- go eat somewhere really niceee soon
- learn french on italki [first i need to cure my urti induced sore throat cos i think right now pple have difficulty understanding me in ENGLISH atm]

things i probably shld do
- practice the GOPRO, buy more gopro assorted things - eg battery, tripod, extra simcard

ok. gonna start it all off by studying some french and korean now to chillax~ hahA

Thursday, September 28, 2017

sound of surviving

In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
Could hear You in the hymns

Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
You still loved me later on

In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room

You were in the water, when I came up clean instead
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
Don't have to be alone
You will always be my home

every year when september comes around i can't help but think of the song WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS

well september is ending sooN. ive applied for mopex, applied for residency

it's been EVENTFUL

i wont ever forget that september seven years ago when God worked my miracle
the miracle that i already thought the miracle had already happened but it still did

haha. God always saving me from myself :)

years come and years go but God is always good, He is always at the center of it all.
we fall in and out of phases and drift away but He is constantly there, waiting for us to come back, somehow, someday

after seven years and the future still looks hazy. but GUESS WHAT WORLD. after all that and i suceeded. i suceeded in never losing my God. world, you might have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, i might have given up a lot of things in the intervening few years (i felt a little remeniscent of paeds mockcode the other day after our mo simulation teaching was on paeds HAHA. i remembered we had a huge trauma simulation and we were literally all running around like headless chickens. it was sooo fun tho). but guess what, i really didn't lose my God. thank you God for granting that prayer, at the very least :) i appreciate it muchly

me out.
now off to sign up for my ED CONFERENCE!!!
what did i say, God is always goood :)

Monday, September 18, 2017

steady hands just take the wheel

stop and stare - one republic
Steady hands just take the wheel
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I live

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Steady feet, don't fail me now

one of my fav songs EVER!! it was SO ethereal going for my first concert (sigh. first concert at the age of 27 HAHA. ok i did go for a big bang concert few yrs ago, but yknow what i mean). and it was in such insanely pretty surroundings it was literally unbelievable. also i love this particular scenery cos i used to run marathons in the exact same place at 6am when i was younger. well half marathons.

i was literally nearly in tears when the (very familiar) lyrics blasted thru the padang speakers. i think its cos this song has spoken to my soul for years now - no matter what age and season of life im in, it seems to speak to me really well HAHAHA i guess its one of those lyrics that tend to resonate with people cos of how it can apply to so many things. so many people have things in life they arent completely happy or satisfied with and would like to improve so that's why

for me, it's driving home post shift at the wee hours of the morning and hearing "steady hands just take the wheel/ time to make one last appeal", "steady feet don't fail me now" blast through my speakers. in that moment, specially as i used to drive past serene center where d and i used to study when we were in secondary school, i don't know why it felt so particularly significant. the time when i started to really make an effort in life towards this goal, and when it started to pay off. the things we try and hope for, seemed to be all melting into one. both the realization that i'm where my sixteen year old self WANTED to be, and that yet there is so much more to aim for.

and that i may be driving this car right now but there is someone up there with steadier hands than me. who is protecting me during this 2am late night drive as i am sleepy and exhausted from the long day.

anyway it was so unreservedly awesome. i dont know if next yr will have music acts as good as this cos of the emotional attachment i happen to already have had to one republic haha. but you never know!!

that said i have been rather enjoying the past few days of off interspersed with night shifts.
not to mention yesterday i happened to be in town enjoying my post night day off after church and i was feelin kinda hungry when i happened to walk past twelve cupcakes which had loads of cupcake samples all laid out. in the middle of an orchard road underpass!! ok it sounds funny when said like that but at that exact moment it was like WHOA. heart cupcakes ++

ok off to do my one million thingS

one million dance studio!!

Saturday, September 9, 2017

carry on/ if we've ever needed you

carry on - kutless 
There is strength in my weakness
That only comes from You
You know I'm weak
I know You're strong
You say when I'm broken
And can't carry on
Carry on
When all my strength is gone
You're still holding on
There is love for the lonely
That only comes from You
There is peace and forgiveness
That I have found in You
You are the Way
You are the light
You are the voice calling me through the night
(You are Holy and just
Full of mercy and love
You are patient and kind
Your grace has opened my eyes)

dream - the best hit ost
(a different, prettier translation)

i thought i could get it
the moments i dreamed of
so i stood up to it
holding a faith without reason
in the end you'll catch it

everyday i pray that i'll catch it
there must be a bright light at the end of the tunnel
i was hopelessly running and running
so i wanted to see that bright light
i think i should go a little more
i should wake up the reference book for running again
but my reality is so overwhelming
as if i were falling down
it was a dream i want to achieve by dedicating everything to it
the more i try why the harder is it
as time goes on, i just want to sit down

if there is a God, please listen to me
i can only do barefoot walking on a thorny path
i pray for my dream
sometimes stop and look up to the sky
i still have a dream to achieve
i need to hold on a little longer
i should pick up pieces of memories that looked back tens of thousands of times
its ok at the latest, what if it's a little late?

pre night shift listening to music and also trying to make myself watch frcem videos haha

having alot of obsessions lately ranging from learning korean, italki lessons (korean) - which are really great btw, i can talk in korean for 1 hr!!!! so awesomeee. and now learning french. and bullet journalling. (before that was inkscape which is kinda like adobe illustrator). and then oh yeaH learning how to use my new gopro :):)

i really think i shld start to be obsessed abt frcem intermediate videosss
cos ultimately the most impt thing is being safe right? and the more i know then also the safer i'll be? but the workload is so shag nowadays that i just wanna chillax like anything when i'm home. its like running a daily marathon. dont get me wrong i LOVE marathons. they're just tiring. and sometimes they are over-tiring and you get HEAT EXHAUSTION and RHABDO. you get the idea. 

hahaha thinking back to when i first started adult ed. i was SO INNOCENT and IDEALISTIC. even when i was still in the chillax hospital ed, even tho i did some busyed shifts, i didnt fully realize the extent of the workload and hadnt been jaded yet, cos of how chillax the environment was. now i'm like. very very shag and exhausted and jaded. i still love it though (in a far less idealistic way) and i still wanna do it. i guess i definitely understand better what it takes. something that has not changed is that i'm still up for anything! this is definitely NOT my own character trait but something that came to me over the years after all the years of ed life. or rather, it is like my own character but drawn out of me by the years of exposure from ed life, ed people and how i know we are supposed to be? like after awhile you emulate the people around you and everyone in ed - mos, bosses, nurses are all very fast-paced, fearless, willing to try new things... kind of basically what you see in tv dramas. i think it's basically what i always wanted to be but i couldnt get myself to be like that until i physically joined ed then it was very easy to just slip into that mindset after literally marinating myself in that environment for 2 years hahaha. i guess ed makes me a better person. 

i dont really know what to say abt applications but this sums it up well
you say when im broken/ and can't carry on/ carry on/ when all my strength is gone/ you're still holding on 

making plans to go back to edin for exams makes me think of the miracles. so many years ago. somehow the idea of runnin up arthur's seat again makes me think of the time i tripped over my shoelace and fell and picked myself up again. haha. i knew that was symbolic then thats prolly why that image stuck in my memory all those years. its funny cos the miracle was leaving edin? but when i close my eyes i can see the streets of edin very very clearly as if i was there right now. things like eating ice-cream after watching the world cup. things like snowball fights after birthday celebrations. 
theres eusem in glasgow next year i think? dont know if i'll ever have any papers to submit for it. i only went to glasgow for one day in my entire life but i remember that day very very clearly. hahah i remember it was my birthday and my friends surprised me with a bday celebration when we came back from glasgow that day. edin brought alot of love, happiness and also angsty stress times into my life, no doubt. but isnt it so great that when's all said and done, when i think of edin i think of God working miracles? that's really such a great happy ending. maybe i should have been more chillax and happier and less uptight then - if only i had known how well it would all turn out. in comparison nus med (which was actually the RESULT) of the miracle was much more... tamer and less dramatic. filled with everyday happiness like cg bonding, hilarity (ok LOADS of), stressful preparing for mbbs but so much tempered with the funniness of clerking with yj - things like clerking the wrong pt, clerking the right pt with wrong dx, clerking people with altered mental status, dropping her handphone into the pt's bag of belongings and having to dig thru the pt's things, presenting hx with SOB +++ after running up stairs to make it to tut. HAHA. so funny how life works huh?

so i decided to be as chillax as possible now. i know i was really uptight in the past. but sometimes life works in a funny way and you need to balance everything out. you might wanna be less uptight but others might perceive it that its less than perfection or not approve of it? haha. so its a balancing etc. i dont pretend to be perfect and may nv be. but you know what? since i stepped into adult ed, there has only been one thing running through my mind "God is going to save me. i dont know how or why or when, but He is going to bring me through this. it's going to be ok". 


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...