Sunday, August 13, 2017

you, clouds, rain

on a cool day, post night, plus a nice post night brunch (thx to a new friend for the treat as well as all the advice! it was much appreciated! one of the things i like abt ed is meeting loads of new people. haha reminds me of those days of spontaneousness) , many thoughts are running through my head

learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

~
i guess when you let go of everything, then you can let God take over. i guess letting go of everything is very very difficult. it can feel like giving up sometimes. but it's not abt giving up EVERYTHING. you still need to lead your life and go to work everyday. i dont really know how to describe it. i guess it's something like, if you dont focus on wanting something SO SO MUCH and just go about living your everyday life and hoping God will help figure your life out (since u cant figure it out urself), and as time goes by some things fall into place and some dont. and new things pop up like mushrooms in a fairy field. and you let some more things and people go. and so life goes. cycle of crabbyness and glucose drinks and starbucks and egg benedicts all starting to blend into each other like an indistinguishable ice blended. it may be quiche but it is what it is

sometimes it may be ironic, sometimes not so
sometimes u have no time to think at all

i guess what im trying to say is that life cannot be subsumed into something that is explained so easily.

and even that when one does sometimes get what one wants, sometimes its not the best. it seems like no matter how old i grow, i still have difficulty on a daily basis believing 100 percent that alot of the times God is saving me from something. i mean i KNOW it but it just doesnt ring true to me sometimes. haha. confessions. or i wish it was but sometimes it doesnt seem too clear.

i think part of the problem is that ive gone SO many circles of philosophy and internal explainations that they no longer make sense to me anymore. to the point that to explain something to myself, i'm like... I EXPLAINED THIS to myself already, it made perfect sense, and shit happend ANYWAY. so i dont really like this explaination particularly.

ok. THAT makes sense. HAHA.

actually life is really ok if i dont think bout it too much. just enjoying each day and chillaxing with my friends and the great nurses, and meeting my quota, esp with nice bosses, it really isnt the slightest chore at all. actually its a great joy. esp when the bosses are nice. like one of my HEROes the other night was like "e pls go back home!!" 5 mins later he u turns and comes back "actually i was just gonna ask, we're ordering supper do you want any?" HAha epic.

at the end of it ALL, it's God who smoothens our way, who makes five loaves and two fishes out of literally nothing (speaking of which my student bought mr bean for me. SO THANKFUL coz if not i would have STARVED. also the post 2 m&rs and pre nail avulsion dinner with IL was so great despite the usu hosp food. and also thankful for my new ortho friend who helps with those ortho xray readings. haha seee i have so much to be thankful for.).

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

i should keep on doing what is right.

and if one day, God ever decides that he might want to send someone my way, then i should NOT rely on my own deciding purely, but listen to that inner voice telling me whether it is the right person or not. because, to conclude, my own compass is severely lacking.

howeveR if that is not meant to be then i guess, after all these years of love poetry, i can accept that and that there is something better. cos i know there is so much more to life. and anyway i have been through SO EXTREMELY MUCH KOREAN DRAMA worth of krebby life cycles already that i think i have enough to fill TEN VOLUMES OF POETRY that probably no one will read. so i am NOT KEEN AT ALL to have new people to walk into my life to increase the number of poetry volumes that i produce. i think alot of it is that no matter how we said in sec sch that we dont define ourselves by who comes on a white horse to save us, i guess sometimes alot of the times we DO very much so. so this is me saying that GUESS WHAT there is quite enough thank you very much.

and that maybe God really does want me to go the msf route instead and that is something noticebly harder with a knight on a white horse, it wouldnt really fit onto the plane. and that i accept that and know that is actually the far more exciting and awesome life plan

ok enough roundabt metaphors. HAHA.

~




Rain is coming.
I thought of you.
I think so.
It was.
It does not matter.
Today is the day that I think about you for a long time.
I deliberately look for a song with you and me
It’s okay to be sad or depressed today.
If this night goes by anyway,
I’ll live with you for another time.
I’ll live in my heart.

Sometimes I go back.
I rather have this rain

The happiness that has been given to us
I think I wrote it too soon.
I think that’s it.
When this rain is over
I have to live again.
~
I just suddenly thought of you
It’s not that I miss you or anything
The way back home is too long
I guess I didn’t have enough to think about

Are you still the same as before?
Are you still the way I remember you?
~
I’m sorry, it’s my fault
Thank you, it’s all thanks to you
These were words you said out of habit
Even though I knew you were struggling too
You probably think I’m a fool

If I say that things are hard with a crying face
Will it really get better?
If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?
Everyone will be fine

Maybe we trapped each other
Inside our own misunderstandings
No, you don’t understand me
Whenever I see your worried eyes

We’re together but we’re not walking together
Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory
But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Smoke and mirrors - reflection on icu week 1

Its national day and im actually leaving hospital in warm sunshine!! Very very rare. On my way to overjoyed to check out sketchbooks.  ...