such a calming song!
also a super awesome jay park x 1millionstudios collab
skip for long ramblings
every now and then i realize i have a really inmature side to myself. lol. most of the time nowadays i feel very OLD AND JADED. and its like, where did the time go?! used to answer "4 mths" when pts asked me how long i've worked for. now its like... "more than three years". even if a patient were to ask me how many t&ses ive done it would be like... i cant even count anymore, feels like i'm t&sing shins everyday. and nowadays the mcr numbers start with 63! omg. suffice it to say i feel verYy old atm. it also feels like ive given up on nearly everything, not that i'm depressed or anything but i guess somewhere along the day, hoping got a little too painful so i kinda gave up. in a good way! im just chillaxing around enjoying life nowadays. like just literally doing whatever i want. watching dramas, buying concert tix for artists ive always wanted to watch, going on hols ive always wanted to go for, meeting up with friends - the few that have stayed all these years. HAHA. (oh and t&sing shin lacerations and trying my darnest to be safe and meet quota. the eternal struggle, but it does seem to be much easier these days with time, and with lovely colleagues and the fantastic ed nurses!)
ok so that said, i also do acknowledge my very inmature occasional side. i'm definitely NOt proud of it. i guess in life sometimes its not just yourself to blame, also others, however you cant control others but you can control yourself. yeah i could have had an even happier or faster happy ending which clearly hasnt quite come my way yet. but despite that, i have definitely accomplished more wth my life than i could have quite imagined or hoped for when i was younger. with all that maths and physics that i truly sucked at, not to mention chinese, that's like HALF THE SUBJECTS, i dont know how i made it to this med school thing. med school itself was quite okay though surprisingly HAHA. so anyway making it to this day is pretty awesome and then also just becoming a halfway competent paeds mo and then changing to adult med, and becoming less noob daily, to me feels like a huge accomplishment. of cos i still have loads to learn, but ive still come a long way. and there is no question in my mind where my help comes from :)
SO. for times when i feel tempted to slip into the old refrains and complaining abt my life and unfairness (SO teenage angst omg), just need to remember all the miracles that He has done thus far. and know that He is going to continue bringing me through it all :) even if maybe there arent any more miracles after this, i think the ones that have occured are already so awesome and amazing and i was so underserving of them, that its also not really fair of me to expect loads more to come. i mean. i've benefited so much already from God's grace and love, it's time to give back and not to just be a parasite sucking out infinite amts of chocolate and korean dramas out of life (who me? heh).
just need to take a rain check sometimes and take a deep breath. and remember that pple are sometimes (very often) unreasonable but that since i have already experienced such inmeasurable and unexplainable grace and love, i guess i can put aside my innate debater instinct to argue my points and say that HEY ACTUALLY IM RIGHT IM RIGHT! (cos anyway, half the time, no one listens to me. thats another of my pet peeves. WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME WHEN IM RIGHT zzzz). to say that, ok, maybe i might be right, but the right thing to do is to let it slide and do whatever leads to more peace and happiness for others. something like that anyways is what i think, ON HINDSIGHT. no really theres no point getting petty abt things sometimes.
and its undeniable that God saved me from something really big, my past selves and what i could have been if God didnt continuously save me from myself is pretty chui. haha. so some SELFRESTRAINT to keep this newfound maturity would probably be good.
at the end of it all actually i guess we're still human and its hard
and it really depends how you look at it.
and sometimes choosing to look at the bright side may be good or bad, i dont know. but at least you would feel marginally happier if you transiently looked at the good side.
anyway in other news due to circumstances (e,g cannot wake up in time post night) i missed 2 weeks of church, but FINALLY made it this week, so that was nice. like one of my fellow mos bk said on his insta stories - can wake up to save lives but cannot wake up for church. or something to that extent HAHAHA that really struck a chord with me. laughed quite a bit when i saw that. i guess we dont have a choice in that we need to turn up for work no matter what, but yknow still church is good to go for it.
after that some nice things happened including things like GETTING A GREY PLUG. some hypotensive pt and gs was like. get a grey plug. he comes back and grey plug in the foot. gs " wow so pro who set this?? the reg?" reg says "no leh my mo". FELT VERY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF at that moment haha.
another day had a difficult plug, impossible in fact, went quite a few rounds hoping to try to find someone to save me. then i suddenly went into one of the p3 rooms and found dr S chatting with another mo there. i LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCKY STARS. he looked a bit surprised to be thus pounced upon but luckily dr S is one of the NICEST GUYS EVER so it worked out well for a desperate me. and then he taught me how to set my FIRST NECK PLUG EVER. so was vv happy after that
and then today i went to gym, first time since like 4th july. i really cant believe that my gym-addicted self has come to this stage but i suppose if my body can metabolize fat without daily gymming that could be good too, was getting way too addicted to gym when i was in med sch years if you ask me (also this means that for my weight loss/ health i sincerely need to do ed forever cos we're always running around HAHA. or maybe if one day i get much more efficient in ed and somehow manage to take hx take bld update family clear case review pt all without making several rounds around a&e, then this magical weight loss program might phail and i might need that gym membership for reals??)
nevertheless weight loss or no, that one hour of RPM was literally magic. it felt SO good to sweat it out and get an endorphin rush, and to know that for that hour i literally didnt need to worry abt ANYTHING. so this is why i can't give up my gym membership, cos endorphine rush is literally PRICELESS if you ask me.
in conclusion, i shall try to be a more mature person (in my daily private life, i definitely endeavor to be v mature at work. and half the time you cant help but be, really.).
okays off to sleep, simulation tomorrow and then more simulation at residency fair on sat!! excited