Sunday, June 25, 2017

murakami part infinity

installment infinity of how murakami quotes best describe my life:

"When you are used to the kind of life -of never getting anything you want- you stop knowing what it is you want.”

"I can almost get anything I wanted, except the one thing that I really want more than anything else."

"I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper, darker, colder."

“A wise person would have avoided getting involved from the beginning.”

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

"Soon, when all is well, you’re going to look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up."

"I don't have any plan at all."

"What I sought was the sense of being tossed about by some raging, savage force, in the midst of which lay something absolutely crucial."

"The one thing I understood for sure was that I didn’t understand a thing.”

Saturday, June 24, 2017


I stopped in my tracks and quietly looked at you
And you look at me and smile, as if asking why
I’m just so thankful that you’re by my side
If it wasn’t you
My life would’ve been so cold
Thankfully, you warmed me up

The love that you showed to me
Made me feel like I’m standing on land that I can’t fall on
In the highest point of my life that I can see

Your hands, your embrace, your everything
More than the love you gave me
I will love you
You’re always my comfort
Even after time, it’s you again
If it wasn’t true
I would’ve fallen down into this dizzy world
You are my central axis

Cuz I got you
Even my heart that was dying
It’s racing and playing like it’s 2PM again

I’ll carry all your burdens
I’ll listen to your stories and write them down together
You came to me like a fresh breath/ I promise you, even after countless days pass
life has been... busy again. i guess A is right... slowly we are slipping away from God... what can i say life is sometimes so insiduous and the road is not easy. but i try, i really try. i know this world doesnt care too much if we try or not, but God definitely cares! all those stolen preshift prayers in the lift, i think He hears them. i hope so. I WILL STRIVE TO DO BETTER. its difficult but i will try. 
on that note, i know it sounds terribly cliched, and one should never ever depend on ANYONE believing in one. however, for the ONE PERSON who non metaphorically did believe in me for these few days HAHAHA LOLOL and brought a lot of laughter (despite certain circumstances), thank you! altho the phone calls are literally HEARTSTOPPING makes me think of a radiographer calling me to tell me a patient has a bleed on the ct or somethinG LOL. i havent felt like i could talk so much nonsense to someone for awhile , it was nice. (which is saying sth since i talk loads of nonsense all the time).

Sunday, June 18, 2017

a little bit more

today is a day to spam awesome nuest songs! and also to hope i dont get called back... haha


You appeared in my dream last night again
When I opened my eyes, I see a spot on my pillow
That is stained with tears
The day you left me
Your birthday, I can’t forget these days
When those un-erasable days come
I float up a hidden picture of you in the corner of my heart
If only I can see you just one time

this bit is SO APPROPRIATE for nuest - "wait for me just a little bit more/ i'm sorry i could not protect you"

currently thinking of how i can buy or stream their songs (in a way that would be counted to make them rise up korean charts hahah)

i am also totally not going to watch anymore of these kpop survival shows anYmore. esp for boy groups. get waY too attached ++++

Saturday, June 17, 2017


bts jin - awake 
It’s not that I believe it
But that I want to try holding out
Because this is all that I can do
I want to remain
I want to dream more
Yeah it’s my truth
It’s my truth
Still, I want to struggle and fight

I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness
My happy times asked me this question
You, are you really okay, it asked me
Oh no
I replied, no, I’m so afraid

Maybe I, I can never fly
I can’t fly like the flower petals over there
Or as though I have wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
Still, I want to stretch my hand out
I want to run, just a bit more

bts - wings
Take me to the sky

Remember when I was a child
I didn’t have big worries
This small feather was going to become my wings
And with those wings, I was going to fly
I believed and I was full of faith
And laughter

(Like a bird)
I went down a path people told me not to
I did things people told me not to
I wanted things I should not want
I would be hurt, hurt again
It’s to sprout my wings
I believe in you, I may be weak now
But in the end, it will be an incredible jump
Fly, fly up in the sky
Fly, fly get ’em up high
This is the path you chose dude, don’t doubt yourself
This is only the first flight uh

I fly, I fly, I fly
Higher than higher than
Higher than the sky
Spread spread spread my wings
Wings are made to fly fly fly
If my wings could fly

thoughts on the produce101 show ive been live watching every friday. HAHA i didnt know i would get SO attached to all the guys! #fangirl. i REALLY want to buy a melon streaming pass and stream nuest songs nonstop however i dont own an apple device so i can't dhdlhdflghdflghd SO ANNOYD. nevertheless i will totally buy their album (somehow) when they comeback! i also went to all the nuest members instagrams and messaged them HAHAHA super fangirl. like 10,000 other people who did exactly the same thing. ah well. WHAT DO I SAY, just have a comeback nuest and show mnet when you guys win #1! also one of my favs kang daniel got #1 and i really like yoon jisung too so that was great! but obviouslY heartbroken for jonghyun and dongho. ESP DONGHO whom i REALLY SUPER LIKE. ok anyway.

nuest- overcome

love you guys nuest!!
ok back to normal programming IE thoroughly slacking at home and enjoying my day off!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

spring day

more BTS good stuff

v and j hope's cover of hug me - original song by jung joon il

I couldn’t win over my upset heart
again I’m enduring the dark and sleepless nights
without regard for my despair
the morning indifferently wakes me

the wound burns more than expected
the hurt goes deeper than expected
the countless nights of resenting you are like hell to me

if you go one step further away like this
I can just take one more step and that’s enough

I thought about you thousands of times a day
the unforgiving words that you said to me
that icy gaze and those cold expressions

you were an incredibly pretty person
you were an incredibly pretty person
please don’t be like this to me, you know me well

j-hope's rap part:
the words that you said so lightly at that time
made it so light, our relationship
I didn’t know that ‘being used to it’ would be scarier than anything
I don’t know your heart, up until we ultimately said a goodbye full of regret
as the days pass it gets bigger, the empty space you left
even if we
give water to our flower bed that used to be so beautiful, the
full blooms have all become nothing but memories
only the scent of loneliness gushes forth
if I could see you again I,
i want to show you everything I have
I want to convey it all to you, I
for real for real
until you hold this sincerity in your embrace once again

and a very pretty wintery mv, conversely named spring day HAHA

I miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it’s hard
To even see each other’s faces
It’s only winter here
Even in August, winter is here

My heart makes time run
Like a Snowpiercer left alone
How much longing
Has to fall like snow
For the spring days to come?

Like a small piece of dust
That floats in the air
Did you change?
Or did I change?
I hate even this moment that is passing
I guess we changed
I guess that’s how everything is

Yeah I hate you
Although you left
There hasn’t been a day
That I have forgotten you

Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because that will hurt less
Than resenting you

I’m blowing out the cold you
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’m gonna erase you
But actually, I still can’t let you go

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness, no season
Can last forever

Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending
Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again

so far away/ dream

really into BTS these days!!
suga's so far away is lovelyy

on a random note, i was really happy to do my 2nd M&R under bier's block with ultrasound confirmation ytd with the help of a SUPER NICE con!!! MUCH thanks to the resus pple who let me do it even tho they had loads of manpower and could have prolly done it themselves hahah. altho i super did not meet my quota after that as it was uber chill and i had to literally stalk the triage ecg room to get my patients and push the pts into cc myself, NO REGRETS coz i learnt a lot (plus the alignment on repeat xray was PERFECT so very very happy!!). ok maybe i will regret it later when they tell me i am very slow wahaha. oh WELL. LEAVE IT TO GOD. at least i did something cool today. i mean ive done quite a few m&rs by now (probably abt 5? and i think most of them have quite good alignment except maybe only one had liike just acceptable alignment only). but it was just SO cool with the ultrasound conformation like im pulling the hand and from behind i hear a loud "WHOAA" as everyone looks at the us machine. hahaha so THANK YOU to one of the nicest cons EVER. literally my hero!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

i'm with you/ i know you and i we can make it through make it through

"I'm With You"

Here am I
I’ve tried to live without You
It's the reason that I feel so far away
I understand
You see everything I go through
and listen to the broken words I pray

I know You hear me
I know You're answering me saying

Fall in my arms and let me carry you carry you
I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

You know I'm weary
I know You're calling out to me

Fall in my arms I will carry you
I know you and I will make it through
All who need rest all who are lonely
Come to me now and just let it go

current song on repeat
perfect pre d-day song


if we've ever needed you/ it's now

"If We've Ever Needed You"

Hear our cry, Lord we pray,
Our faces down, our hands are raised,
You called us out, we turned away,
With ship wrecked faith, idols rise,
We do what is right, in our own eyes,
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light. 
If we've ever needed You, Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now, 
We are desperate for Your hand, we're reachin' out, we're reachin' out.

All our hearts, all our strength,
With all our minds, we're at Your fate,
We need You now

"always enough"

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In a sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
And see each tear that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

In the watches of the night
Lord, You are my song
Hope is in the morning light
Your love shines like the dawn

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough

spamming casting crowns songs
i don't really know what to say. 
but i guess these songs say it well enough. 
one day i will come out of this storm. i hope. HAHA. 
meanwhilst ive learnt to withstand the storms of this life. praising God in the storm, that's gotta be my specialty. 
i guess there are many many things i pray for and many things i hope for and many things i fear, and it seems like no matter how many years pass in the end it's still the same me (hopefully the original me had some good points since it seems like no matter how i run i cant run away from myself HAHA). 
amongst the many things i pray for (topmost being BEING A GOOD DOCTOR cos its actually reeally hard and so many things to know and do. but im lovin the process by itself.), it would be good if i could survive tomorrow's exam. not sure what it means by survive but i guess passing would be really good. 
whether i deserve it or not, not very sure bout that. these days i dont really know what is the definition of deserving. of miracles. 

"one more day/ he will make a way/ let Him show you how
i'm not strong enough
can He find me here?
can He keep me from going under?
oh my soul,
you are not alone
there's a place where fear has to face the God you know"

swallow all the fears and worries, and do what i can with the next twentyfour hours
i'll do what i can, and God will do the rest
and all things will work for His good

even this, even this will be made beautiful

i'll put my trust in that. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

beautiful times

"Beautiful Times"
(feat. Lindsey Stirling)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean
Stirs my emotion up like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
sounds like a good night shift song HAHA.
#i fought all through the night, oh oh but i made it alive

first spotify song of the day!

"A Way To See In The Dark"

Here I am
Begging for certainty again
But simple trust
Is what you're asking me to give
If I am saved
You tell me it will not be by sight

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way
So I'll close my eyes
I won't be afraid, I won't be afraid

If You are my help, my hope and my vision 
One step at a time You will lead

So I reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in 
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark
To see in the dark

doesnt matter how deep or dark the night is, keep on shining
just keep your head up

Sunday, June 4, 2017

never/ murakami kick

“I focused on that point of light for a long, long time. It made me think of something like the final throb of a soul's dying embers.”

"Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."

"Reality seemed to have left me and was now wandering around nearby. I hope it can find me." [sincere hope]

"It was a rambling, incoherent dream without any setting. All that was there was a feeling of being in motion."

“I felt as if I were living alone in an extremely well-cared-for ruin.”

Was I happy? Yes. If I looked at things from a distance. [a VERY VERY FAR DISTANCE]

"That's what we all do: endlessly take the long way around." [#story of my life]

“Something will work out tomorrow, I thought. And if not, then tomorrow I'll do some thinking."

“If your confusion leads you in the right direction, the results can be uncommonly rewarding.” HAH 

each time i read these murakami quotes, i have such a difficult time deciding which one is the story of my life. hahah. i think the rambling incoherent dream/ star that doesnt exist might be it. sooo hard to chooose

today's song on replay nonstop! also number 1 on korean charts atm! yeah im more than slightly obsessed with this song/ produce 101 hahah.

I don’t want to love you eh
In the memories that cannot be stopped yeah eh
Everytime everywhere
I can only see you in my head

I repeatedly erase you everyday
But as I look back, it’s a bright and dazzling road
By all means, I won’t leave even a trace of you eh

Not anymore, never ever
But why is my heart filling itself with you again
We’re not forever
We, that were once beautiful

Leave my side yeah
I’m very scared of you yeah (DAEHWI)
Everytime everywhere
It was a love that my life wouldn’t even be wasted for

I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
The heart that turned its back on me
And those words, keep it to yourself
So I can forget all the moments I had with you and all the memories
I’m going on my way

Friday, June 2, 2017

so even in the dark im saying thank you/ the very next thing

its JUNE. how did half the year go by so fast?!

midyear reflections on 2017:

jan 2017: thank You for showing me that light can overcome darkness, that when all the doors are closed and we are despairing, you will open a window, and light and rainbows will come again.

//survived a night shift (and saw 18 pts! i cld prolly have seen up to 20 if i didnt have 2 difficult blds./ but this is also thanks to v nice bosses, and calling eye 3x in one night. HAHA. for the record, i did NOT cherrypick my cases and saw them strictly in order)

feb 2017

//had a really busy fever shift ytd and the nurses commented as i was psyching myself up mid shift "you're really good at this selfmotivating thing yeah"
(me " YAY! 7 patients! there were 9 just now! we're doing a good job!")

march 2017:

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

// 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

april 2017:

at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers.

may 2017:
 conf was AWESOME, a great honor, my first int'l conf, very inspiring!!! a bright spot just as i was getting really very jaded and exhausted from the daily gridnd. and not least coz of the FREE FLOW OF STARBUCKS. one of those things where u realize God is answering all your small and big prayers in unexpected ways.

thought catalog:
Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in you.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with you on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed. For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for staying when the world turned its back. 

Thank you for forgiveness. For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you for hope.

"The Very Next Thing"

I spend all my time
Dreaming what the future's gonna bring
When all of this time
There's a world passing by
Right in front of me
Set my sights on tomorrow
While I'm tripping over today

Who says big things
Are somewhere off in the distance
I don't want to look back
Just to see all the times that I missed it
I want to be here and now
Starting right here, right now

With the very next words of love to be spoken
To the very next heart that's shattered and broken
To the very next way you're gonna use me
Show me the next thing
I'll do the next thing

Let my very next breath
Breathe out a song of praise to you
With my very next step
Be on a road that was planned by you
Lord, wherever you're leading me
That's where I want to be

Eyes wide open I see you working
All around me you're on the move (I'll do the next thing)
Step by step I'm running to meet you
In the next thing, in the next thing



3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...