Tuesday, March 28, 2017

these things take time

reflections on this very, very, very long journey:

since that post night morning in the taxi when i first learnt of my unexpected mopex posting and the first thing that popped into my mind was "God has a plan for me!" until today, when i learnt of a very much expected result that i sorta kinda expected since the beginning of this month hahaha, the funny thing is these few mths are bookended by the same thought.

not "DOES GOD HAVE A PLAN AND IF SO, WHAT IS IT?", but the affirmative - that He DOES have a plan for us, and that it is good. that is honestly what i thought.

i can't really quite belive myself but scrolling down the list as i have had for SOOOO many years now (by now i dont even expect to see my name on that list... haha) - i didnt feel the dissappointment as i had so many years ago (and its NOT becos i dont love emed as much, its quite the opposite, i really do love emed a LOT). i found to my surprise that i felt a lot of peace in my heart - as if God was telling me that its okay cos He has a plan for me and this is just part of the (very) long journey.

i'll be the first to admit that i have much to improve on and am far from perfect, and didnt really deserve it this time anyway. and that expectations always get the better of me. and that it was a rather last min decision to try this time anyway.

many easters ago, i remember feeling a huge disconnect in my heart as we sang hymns on easter sunday but i felt much less than joyful. i dont think i could have expected on that day that God would have worked so many miracles to bring me into medicine and then bring me back home too. if only i had known, i wouldnt have felt so sullen and unjoyful when singing on that easter sunday.

compared to 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

whenever that may be - i know i have loads to do in the meantime
off to do those~


"These Things Take Time" - sanctus real

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How can success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall, the harder we try
The more I have the more I need just to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions in one short life

And we spend so much time chasing our tails
Hoping to find every last answer to everything in life
So many questions, not enough time

Hey, we all want to understand why evil lives, and good men die
On the way to Heaven, the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on


and all i go through/ it leads me to you 

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