Tuesday, March 28, 2017

these things take time

reflections on this very, very, very long journey:

since that post night morning in the taxi when i first learnt of my unexpected mopex posting and the first thing that popped into my mind was "God has a plan for me!" until today, when i learnt of a very much expected result that i sorta kinda expected since the beginning of this month hahaha, the funny thing is these few mths are bookended by the same thought.

not "DOES GOD HAVE A PLAN AND IF SO, WHAT IS IT?", but the affirmative - that He DOES have a plan for us, and that it is good. that is honestly what i thought.

i can't really quite belive myself but scrolling down the list as i have had for SOOOO many years now (by now i dont even expect to see my name on that list... haha) - i didnt feel the dissappointment as i had so many years ago (and its NOT becos i dont love emed as much, its quite the opposite, i really do love emed a LOT). i found to my surprise that i felt a lot of peace in my heart - as if God was telling me that its okay cos He has a plan for me and this is just part of the (very) long journey.

i'll be the first to admit that i have much to improve on and am far from perfect, and didnt really deserve it this time anyway. and that expectations always get the better of me. and that it was a rather last min decision to try this time anyway.

many easters ago, i remember feeling a huge disconnect in my heart as we sang hymns on easter sunday but i felt much less than joyful. i dont think i could have expected on that day that God would have worked so many miracles to bring me into medicine and then bring me back home too. if only i had known, i wouldnt have felt so sullen and unjoyful when singing on that easter sunday.

compared to 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

whenever that may be - i know i have loads to do in the meantime
off to do those~


"These Things Take Time" - sanctus real

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How can success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall, the harder we try
The more I have the more I need just to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions in one short life

And we spend so much time chasing our tails
Hoping to find every last answer to everything in life
So many questions, not enough time

Hey, we all want to understand why evil lives, and good men die
On the way to Heaven, the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on


and all i go through/ it leads me to you 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

ride it out

"Ride It Out"

Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you
When you feel afraid

Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith

And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. (this sounds like a terrible idea from an infection control POV. HAHA. maybe PPE/ gloves can prevent this?!) 
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
- haruki murakami 

the thing is, i dont know how long this storm is supposed to last. if i can ever walk out of it alive. oh definitely, if i ever come out of it, i wont be the same person that walked in, im positive of that. 
for whatever it's worth, i can praise Him in this storm. i think. haha. 

"And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe"

and if ever you should feel like giving up

"Bend Not Break" - sanctus real

Time will tell if we really have what it takes
This life can crush us underneath its weight
When the river rushes over your feet
When the bulls are running through your streets

Oh, on the front line you're gonna feel the bullets, gonna feel the heat
And when the battles that you fight call you to turn the other cheek
When the fire at your back burns bright
And when the mountains up ahead are so high

You don't have to run from the fears behind you
Turn around and I'll stand beside you
Take my hand and remember
We may bend but will not break
Steel your heart and lift your head
'Cause we have love and faithfulness

And if ever you should feel like giving up
Remember that God is with us
And if ever you should fear you may lose
Remember that you don't have to run

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

walk by faith

"Walk By Faith" - jeremy camp

Would I believe you when you would say 
Your hand will guide my every way 
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith 
Even when I cannot see 
Well because this broken road 
Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears 
You've been so faithful for all my years 
With one breath You make me new 
Your grace covers all I do 

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face 
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace 

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

this really speaks to me -
this broken road/ prepares Your will for me/ help me to win my endless fears/ i'm broken/ but i still see your face/ i will walk by faith


dear God, this road is really difficult and long, i dont deny that. even when i fall, i'm gonna pick myself up and continue running. i think. eventually.

just please help me to learn how to be a good doctor. that's all i want and need. everything else isnt essential. passing exams, traineeships, all those pale in comparison. yeah it would be great. but i just want to be a good doctor. its been three years of working and im still working on perfecting this and i still have much more to learn. please let me never succumb to the stressors and please let me do the best for each patient.

love, me.

ps: thank you for showing me every now and then, that there can be light in the middle of darkness. even if the darkness threatens to overwhelm completely and wash out every shred of hope and gleam of light, Your light still shines through it all, indomitably

the mountains might be insurmountable and it might seem that everything is literally for naught sometimes

but i this i know - that you can turn all for good. dont get me wrong, for years i hoped for miracles against logic. i dont anymore. it's not that i don't believe in Your goodness, i just can't find it in myself to hope against hope anymore. i guess i've come to accept that this is who i am and that the fact that i can do what i do everyday is great as it is. wanting more would be expecting too much from this life. i guess i've come to terms with this. what i want to do in the future - actually i can still do it anyway. You have given me that much. years ago when i prayed to you to get into medicine, i still remember, i just wanted to be a doctor, i didnt really mind too much which kind. and You have given me nearly 3 yrs of that so far. i can never thank you enough for that. i know there were times when i literally thought i might not even make it thru med sch. not because of the academic pressures actually, because of everything else going on around me at the time. thank You for bringing me through that, stronger than before and miraculously happier than before. i could never have anticipated that.

so i will press on, although sometimes it seems really difficult, there are really cool and fun times too. most of the time the cool and fun times outshadow the difficulties.

i guess this is me, giving up the small part of me that was even slightly ambitious. because after years of chasing after these things - it feels like its no longer important to me.

i guess this is me - finally accepting that Your way is better, no matter what it may be. even if its scary cos i dont KNOW what Your way is. it's still better even if i dont know what it is. hahah. the future is no longer scary because i know that You are there in it. and knowing that no matter what the future is, i still need to know these things and these skills. and if it is your will, may i be able to continue learning about these things in this place so that one day i may be a better doctor and person than i currently am.

Monday, March 20, 2017


had the most amazing experience today, no kidding

managed to finish my resus shift in time to go down for church (firstly for me to be able to leave so early is a miracle, let alone that it was quite an ok shift and the boss was great and we worked well tgt!),  reached and the church was literally in a blackout and they just continued on by candlelight

somehow got co-opted into doing the offering in the middle of all this

dont really know how to describe that experience of, literally, seeing a candlelight at the end of the darkness

maybe, just maybe, even though things arent easy, and aren't perfect, maybe there is a tiny shred of hope. very tiny. very shredded. whether that hope can ever grow wings and fly again, i dont know about that. but at least it exists, and at least it can sing birdsong.

anyway, just thanking God for a good resus shift, getting all my green plugs, etc
it was nice that we literally resus-ed this patient who looked really sick but due to fast intervention, looked better much faster. that was really nice.

also to the nice patients who have thanked me in the past few days - you will never know how much that made my day. really.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

oh my soul

one of those amazing articles from desiring god.org
"I will never forget the moment when I knew God had answered “no” to something I really wanted.

He seemed to whisper this answer into my heart to help me realize I had spent too much time holding onto something I was not meant to have. After months of presenting my request, he gently told me to let it go.

At first, I didn’t realize his plans were better than my own. Moments of heartache and (seemingly) empty hands, left me wondering why he would take away this opportunity I desired so much. I wrongfully believed that if he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, he must not have understood how important it was to me. It seemed like he was needlessly withholding, not giving abundantly like I thought he should.

When we are forced to let go of something we really long for — whether it’s taken away, or it seems it will never be given — The weight of disappointment is crushing. It can be overwhelming and take time to process.

“God knows better than we do, and his ‘no’ is always merciful, even when it hurts.” 
It’s not wrong to experience disappointment when life does not unfold the way we hope. If we do not give ourselves permission to grieve, we inadvertently believe that God is more concerned with us immediately feeling better, rather than working through the hurt to bring real transformation to our heart. We lose sight of the invitation he has given us to place our struggles at his feet.

He is not afraid of the pain we feel. His sovereignty is not dependent on our emotions. He will not try to invalidate our hurt with quick and temporary fixes. We are free to express a sense of lack and sorrow in the moment. He lets us feel the void so that he might satisfy us with himself. He wants to draw near.

Finding His Love in Our Lament

The panic I felt over being led in a different direction gave a clear picture of the state of my heart. I was more concerned with not getting what I wanted than seeing where God wanted me.

Disappointment often reveals what captures our affections. Even though the disappointment is not always wrong, it does give us a gauge that shows us where we have invested our hope. Lamenting through our discontentment forces us to carry those desires back to God — even if just to question why he hasn’t given these things to us. It sheds light on the idols we have created in our lives. 

The purpose of lament is not merely to vent our distress (which leaves us in despair), but to bring our attention back to God’s promises and the hope we have in Christ. He promises that he hears us when we call (Matthew 7:7). He promises to be near to us (Psalm 34:18). He promises to be faithful (Deuteronomy 31:6). He promises that this hurt will end (Revelation 21:4). He promises that when we seek him, he will transform our hearts to desire more of him (Psalm 37:4). He will not leave us in the misery of our disappointment, because he has not finished the work he started in us (Philippians 1:6). He will assure us of his love as we invite him into the struggle we feel.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

Redirection forces something out of our hands we had hoped to keep. Through that, we begin to realize God’s plan for our life does not equate to the easy or comfortable road; but he is working all things together, even this disappointed, for our good (Romans 8:28).

God always has our ultimate good in mind, which means he will pry the idols from our hands. He does this not because he is cruel or depriving us. He knows better than we do, and his “no” is always merciful, even when it hurts. He is for us, fighting against what will keep us from him (Romans 8:31). He knows our hearts can only be truly satisfied with himself (John 4:14). He will not tolerate being second in our lives, because he wants us to have something so much better than what the world can offer.

When God takes something away, he creates space in our lives to fill us with more of him and his blessings. That is the greatest gift of all. It may not feel like it in the moments where we are forced to reconcile disappointment, but he wants to help us understand it is true. He wants us to experience for ourselves — to taste and see, and know that he is good (Psalm 34:8).

Disappointment may be part of living in this world, as we struggle to let go of our earthly desires and open our hearts to receive the good things God wants to give us. But if we are in Christ, our struggle with disappointment is only temporary. The promises of God, and the joy we experience as we realize them, are eternal."

Discouragement often feels circumstantially determined, something we can’t help feeling because powerful forces beyond our control are causing it. That’s why our response to discouragement is often passive — we sit, weighed down with a heavy spiritual listlessness looking at the world through the grey, bleak lenses of fear.

Yes, discouragement is a species of fear. It is a loss of courage. We don’t always recognize discouragement as fear because it can feel like hopelessness with a side of cynicism. We might even call it depression because we have an accumulation of fears that are intermingled and seem somewhat undefined. And, of course, if we’re discouraged, we feel depressed. We feel like giving up.

And when we feel like giving up, we are vulnerable to a whole range of temptations. When we give in to those temptations, our sin just confirms our discouragement, and we easily slip into a cycle in which fear drives us into hiding, hiding opens us to sins of selfishness and self-indulgence, and caving in increases our sense of helplessness and self-pity. So we sit, weighed down by fear and condemnation, feeling stuck.

But God doesn’t want us feeling stuck. Jesus didn’t endure crucifixion so we would live defeated. He has purchased our forgiveness of sins, our freedom from the weight of fear, and our power to overcome the world, our flesh, and the devil. Discouragement is not as powerful as it feels. We can defeat it if we confront it.

Another famous example was the discouragement Saul and his army felt over Goliath’s challenges and taunts (1 Samuel 17). Fear immobilized all the warriors until a teenage shepherd named David arrived with faith in a huge God. He stood up to the giant, and dropped Goliath face down with one stone (1 Samuel 17:49). Then suddenly full of courage, Israel decimated the Philistines.

While we are not facing fortified Canaanite cities, or giants with javelins, or councils with crosses, we face a number of things in life that tempt us to lose courage.

One morning recently, discouragement settled over me like a thick, grey fog. I didn’t even recognize what it was at first. I just felt fear creeping over me that all my hope in God would end up disappointed. My courage started draining out of me, and suddenly I didn’t have energy to read my Bible or pray or do anything spiritually meaningful.

Then I caught myself and said, “Why am I fearing that God won’t be faithful?” Then I recalled numerous times when God had been wonderfully faithful to me, as well as numerous times I had felt needlessly discouraged — just like this time.

I began to talk back to my fears and to the devil: “No! I’m not falling for this again!” I prayed for God’s help. Then I took up my Bible and in my scheduled readings read this wonderful text:

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. (Hebrews 12:12–14)
Faith-fueled courage poured in and revived me. The grey, depressing outlook changed into a color-filled world of hope in God. And my spirit, which just minutes before had cowered in discouragement, was full of the bold energy of the Holy Spirit.

Satan loves to tempt us with discouragement because he knows we are easily intimidated by what is or looks dangerous and overwhelming. He casts God as the bad guy for bringing us to this hopeless place, and then encourages us to feel justified in feeling discouraged. The way out of this demonic deception is to confront the discouragement head on. How do we do this?

First, we ask, “Why are you cast down, O my soul?” (Psalm 42:5). Press for an answer.
Second, we preach to our souls to “hope in God” (Psalm 42:5). Don’t listen to discouraging self-talk; preach courage-building promises.
Third, we lift our drooping hands and strengthen our weak knees (Hebrews 12:12). Pick up our Bibles and get on our praying knees and pursue the strength that God supplies (1 Peter 4:11).
Fourth, we make straight paths for our feet (Hebrews 12:13). Get out of the mental or physical place that is making us stumble in discouragement.
Fifth, we strive for holiness (Hebrews 12:14). We are made holy through faith in the justifying work of Christ, and we walk in holiness through the obedience of faith (Romans 1:5). Walking by faith in Christ is not easy. It is a striving (Hebrews 4:11); it is a fight (1 Timothy 6:12). It’s meant to be hard. God has all sorts of sanctifying good for us in all the fighting he requires of us.

When we’re discouraged, remember the Canaanites, remember Goliath, remember the council, and remember your own stories — when God showed up to deliver you from discouragement. What discourages us is not as powerful as it feels in the moment. We overcome our fear by confronting our discouragement and exercising faith in God’s promises. Those are precious moments in which we will see the power of God.


4.5 mths into ed in the busy hospital, i think im getting the hang of it. increased expectations were stressful, but on the bright side i think people realized i wasnt up to the increased expectations, so now it's back to normal baseline. i think. HAHA.

8 mths ago after leaving paeds and realizing that i had spent three years being more concerned with what i wanted than what God wanted for me, i somehow came to em. it was not really about giving up something i had wanted per se, more like God showing me a whole different field that was endlessly exciting and better than anything i could ever have planned for myself.

of course, everything has its ups and downs, as is thoroughly dissected and chronicled in this blog as well as my whatsapps with d and a. i find it really interesting that as a child, i didnt feel very close to the people of the same age in sunday sch with me, but now that i've finally grown up and two of my closest confidantes just happen to be from the same church too haha but they are more than just church friends, our friendships literally permeate every part of life (with a huge helping of medicine as well. hahah.) it kind of just happened and was literally not planned, but it somehow does feel like God was watching out for us all along and gave us good friends to walk this journey of life with cos He knew the paths wouldnt be easy.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that after years of clinging on to something, not only did i finally let go, i also let go to the concept of clinging on to things. of making something my idol. it really isnt abt what residency you get, it's about what you do with what you DO get. i dont deny that i would be beyond thrilled if i ever got emresidency, of course i would be cos i love it and it would help SO much with msf later in my life. (a subject we have all discussed over and over again hehe). i am not say perfectly 100% the best mo ever HAHA. but i am willing to work on my flaws and take all feedback and improve myself! and everyday i learn something new. maybe one day i might finally be a good doctor, the eternal fight. ok well the eternal fight is to be a good person, but since i am already a doctor, to be a good person i must be good at my job too esp since it literally deals with life and death. sometimes, there are stresses and discouragments. this lent seems to have a lot of those. but guess what, my help comes from God. so anything that doesnt come from Him, i know that he will give us the strength and courage to fight through those, and win :)

"Oh My Soul"

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You're not alone

i believe that one day, my shipwrecked faith will make it to shore
when and how, that's what i dont know. 
somehow, somewhere, someday

Saturday, March 4, 2017

light vs darkness

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

"When darkness looms close in life, and a crisis occurs, when anxiety builds and fear surrounds, we may stumble, we may fall. And our hopes get dashed, and the future starts to look dim. We face obstacles along the path that seem much too hard to navigate through. Shadows hover over the way that once appeared clear. We feel lost and alone, souls needy and desperate, seeking life, looking for hope, for something to hold on to.
But here’s truth; in it all, his light still shines. It never flickers out, it doesn’t hide itself away. Because he never changes and will not be overcome by darkened days. Clear and constant, guiding our path, he gives hope and purpose through every treacherous step along the journey.
The tiny sliver of light amidst the gray in the sunrise that morning, spoke volumes to my heart. Because even when we can't find our way, and the tide has turned and the struggles seem fierce, or we feel overwhelmed, and the winds blow strong...he's still there. Hope shines through. It may be just a glimmer but it's enough, to whisper his words of truth, "I see you, you are never alone. I will carry you through the fiercest of times, into places of peace, and will make your footsteps strong."
I watched birds soar in the wind, seemingly fearless and bold, finding power in the gusts that blew, to go higher, stronger, bolstered by the gale force winds.
Sure foundation. Wind beneath our wings. Whisper of peace that calms the waves and storm. Glimmer of light in a dark world."


Friday, March 3, 2017

on miracles

i dont really know what to say, except that God works in the most unexpected of ways

bosses who believe in me, i will never forget their kindness and help

and this:

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

God will never let darkness overrule the light. humans and this world might try very very hard, but light and mercy always wins

Thursday, March 2, 2017

goals for march

1. to trust God even when it seems difficult
2. to let go and let God
3. to see 10-12 pts in p2 and 20pts in p3 (hahahahahahha. one can hope huh?)
4. to take less unecessary blds
5. to trust God that, everything happens for a reason. and that no matter what we do, He will help us. right God? i hope so

on another note, my 15 year old self was very good, or very lucky, when it came to making friends.
if i hadn't met d when i was 15yo, i think my soul might literally not have survived until this day.
thank You God for giving me good friends who always know what to say, and to help me never lose my soul

on another note, i now know what to do with my life. i'm going to become a hobo and move to nepal TOMORROW.
becos i have night shift in a few hrs, and hence cant go STAT


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...