Thursday, February 9, 2017

when you see no present advantage/ walk by faith

my flesh + heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart + my portion forever
- psalm 72:26

im feeling abit of a deja vu with 2 hrs to prepare + practice and impt presentation. reminds me of those ce m and ms. haha. really hope i survive this deccently like the ce m+ms

i conclude from the past 1-2mths that doing research and shift work together is CRAZY HARD.

some reflections:
i also have been firming up my lifegoalS
- i really really want to do Something with my life (not collect paper qualifications, that is for sure). and yeah the childhood ambition of joining doctors without borders has never ever waned

the path towards doctors without borders (or something in the same vein, it doesnt have to be that EXACT same NGO, just that i love it and i have been dreaming about it my whole life), has changed so much in the past ten years. i was probably pre-medschool in 2007 - the peak of my idealism and enthusiasm before all this jadedness came over me hahah. so first i wanted to be a surgeon, then a pediatric neurosurgeon, then a pediatrician, then an emergency doctor. but all these had the same goal - to specialize and then use those skills to join doctors without borders.

i know it's a crazy goal (perhaps even crazier than the thought of doing emed, which though busy, is a very sane choice that many other people have made). not least because msf goes to the place of most need. places with wars, famines, etc. and chances of me ever getting into a training program, or getting the parental permission to go to those places, is honestly not very high

after these ten years and the best of times and the worst of times, i really do think that emed is the best possible speciality for someone joining msf. because you never know what medical situations u will encounter in a remote corner of africa, and i would hate to for example be unable to properly resus someone because i'm all alone in a corner of africa and not know what to do. (not to mention that emed is pretty exciting on a daily basis to begin with, in sg, without having to fly anywhere to get extra excitement).

i really do think that God must have led me down this path for a reason.

i have a long long way to go, and half the time, i'm walking in pitch dark with nothing but the light at the end of a very long tunnel to guide me. sometimes  the light goes out intermittantly and then i really do have nothing but the faith that God will turn it back on again. people i set out on this journey with have come and gone, some have stayed throughout, like d, despite everything - i guess God must really have intended for us to become friends back then, 10-11yrs ago.

even though i dont know if i will ever be a good enough doctor to join msf, or get the best training in my opinion (emed residency) to equip me with the skills to join it, or patch up the big gaping holes in my skills and knowledge to even survive the daily work, or even just survive my presentation on saturday -

this i know. that God works in wonderful and mysterious ways, and for those who love him, all things will work out for good. and for the forseeable future, i will do whatever i can to improve on my weaknesses.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. - 2 cor 12:8-9

sounds familiar huh

that said, while msf may forever just be a dream, i also need to accept that, while we can beg God for help  - and i truly do believe that if he doesnt give us something, it is for good eventually - sometimes it doesnt happen

and if not, He is still good (even if it doesnt often feel that way)

then maybe i will zen out and fly to nepal and really be a mountain doctor. hahaah.

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