Saturday, February 11, 2017

through your eyes

I SURVIVED MY PRESENTATION! God is really very good.

surprisingly it all worked out really well and i had a great time. met a lot of friends and people i knew well. and i still remember my paeds!

on another note, sitting behind my old boss made me remember that day ?three years ago,  nervously sitting in the front row of a hotel ballroom, practicing for my first ever conference oral presentation. i really was very happy that day, having the priviledge and honor to present at my first ever conference, and for the subject of peds neuro which, no question about, i did love at that time. anyway. memories just flooded back when i was sitting behind my old boss this morning. and how he came to support me for that presentation and how he helped me revise the powerpoint slides endlessly (i would worry too if i were him and i was supervising a HO at her first ever conference oral presentation!). i remember going up that stage, shaking with nervousness (very rare for me to feel nervous at public speaking actually! very very very rare hahah). i remember seeing my boss slip into his seat just as i started speaking, and the time going by really fast, and years later i still keep and treasure that conference book. i'm forever grateful to my old boss for his help all those years ago.

haha so fast forward to an old jaded mo. but anyway i survived it and i think its because of God's grace helping me to treat this like a debate (also helped by the podium and large audience which makes me feel a bit like i'm in a debate). and really very grateful and happy for the many friends and familiar faces i met today, and that the paeds bosses liked my presentation. that's the most important thing, that they liked it, winning isnt important. haha.

anyway, i'm feelin stressed abt residency as usual. haha. i thinK that
1) i shouldnt listen to the voice of doubt
2) i should trust that God has a plan
3) i just want to be a good doctor.

being a good doctor is something really hard and something that changes everyday haha. its fluiD. and i still have a lot a lot left to learn!

was having a good long hard think about what i wanna do with my life (the nostalgia of going back to a place i spent so much of my life in and so much of my life wanting to work in does do that to one). and i realized that i really want to do ED. that God brought me to ED. that what i want to do with my life both later and now all boils down to this. and i am very sure that in whatever i am lacking be it speed or practical skills i have the determination to fix!

on that hand, i also dont want to be greedy. being able to apply this year was really due to a lot of luck and nice people who helped me out with it. after waiting VERY VERY LONG in general, it would be difficult to wait one more year. i can't deny that. BUT i also believe that God has a plan for everything.

i'm not really sure, at this moment, whether God wants me to get into residency now, or wait one more year. it goes without saying that whatever i psych myself up to believe, i'll be beyond joyous if i get it this year and devastated if i don't. no question about that. does it make it worse and better if i believe that God is calling me to it? yes, it probably does. i won't lose my God though, even if i don't get it. it'd just bring me closer to God. i know this cos the first three times i didn't lose Him. i guess a fourth rejection might break me HAHA. well in the event it happens i'll pray really hard it doesn't happen and i survive it.

i think at the core of it, i am ready either way. if i were to jump into residency this year i think i could learn fast enough and level up fast enough. and i know i have what it takes both mentally and in terms of fortitude to handle whatever stressors may be thrown at me.

if God really REALLY wants me to wait one more year, i mean, i certainly wouldn't be thrilled, but i guess when i applied last yr sept, i was still a little green (im less green now hehe), so i understand that. and i dont want to treat the acceptance like a be all and end all coz its not the end of a long journey in the desert, it's the start of another long (but decidedly awesome) journey. let's put it this way, if i get it it would obviously be great, but if i dont, God must have a really really awesome plan. i hope i find out soon what his plan is because right now i concluded that his awesome plan is EMED, so if that isnt the plan, i need to find out what the plan is - hobo? fly to nepal? become a baker? lol just kidding. i'm going to KEEP TRYING. DETERMINATIONzzz.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, each year, learning to trust in God's plan is always challenging and difficult haha. but as he reveals it (very) slowly, and as the puzzle pieces start fitting together, it becomes something more beautiful than i could have ever planned

going back to paeds world for one day showed me that emed has changed me. i was never so brave, so ready to try new things, so keen to volunteer for procedures or to watch things to learn, or to be the first to answer questions. i like the person that working in emed makes me.

Get it together
That's what I say to me
I put on the pressure
You could do better
Be who you're supposed to be
But that's when you came in
Right when I needed you
Said all of the things that I was believing
Not one of them were true

You lifted my head up
I was keeping my head down
I didn't know love
But I do now

'Cause you stood right there
And then you broke apart the lies
You told me I had something beautiful inside
You brought to life the part of me I thought had died
'Cause You stood right there until I saw me
I saw me through your eyes

So this is living
This is free
Not keeping score
Not anymore
Not since you rescued me

You love me even when I fall apart
I can't explain it
That's just who you are
Don't want perfection
You just want my heart

 its difficult to explain
maybe it's emed, maybe it's God
but in these eight months, everything has changed
i've become a different person, for good
it's like God came and told me i had something beautiful inside, right when i needed him
told me that all the things i was believing werent true. not to listen to the voice of self doubt anymore. not to live keeping my head down
bringing to life the part of me i thought had died

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