Tuesday, February 7, 2017

my everything

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart

This is all I know how to say

When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing

By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
This is all I know I will say

such a nice song!

in a dry and weary land
you're always enough for me
keep my heart in perfect peace
my life is in your hands

it's been awhile since i have felt this way. or maybe i've never stopped feeling this way?

its crazy feeling scared all over again

at first it was a honeymoon period, freed from the expectations and always having to perform (not to mention not really performing perfectly, i guess not)

but somehow i fell in love with this.
and now it feels scary, wondering if i can actually do this

i think i can do it actually.

but it depends on SO MANY things

so many hoops to jump through, and that's only for starters.

doing it is not the problem. i can always psych myself up to say YEA let's do this!

had a really busy fever shift ytd and the nurses commented as i was psyching myself up mid shift "you're really good at this selfmotivating thing yeah"

(me " YAY! 7 patients! there were 9 just now! we're doing a good job!")
what to do, how to survive otherwise hahahahaha

i guess, it's scary that i realized how much i want to do this, and what it means to me. probably more than paeds because this is why i came into medicine in the first place! i loved paeds becos i really loved kids (and still do). not because i came into medicine to do paeds (i only fell in love with paeds during abt m3?)

i won't belabor the point of how much i love emed, what brought me to emed, and the journey of emed thus far (it's very well detailed in this blog hahahah). one word: God.

but i dont know why i feel so scared, if God is going to help me. i guess because it seems so impossible. some days i feel like, if it was me, i wouldnt choose me either. haha. it seems like a dream to have found what i really want to do. that all the puzzle pieces finally fits. other days i know i am slow and i could be faster or better, maybe if i was made out of tougher stuff. like a robot haha. the eternal quest for perfection. i worry that i could have done better or that others are better. i wonder how i can ever reach that eternal quest for perfection. and stop making mistakes in different parts of my life, due to exhaustion.

i guess this is what is called trust and faith.

that even when we have been hurt and all seems impossible, when it seems like the rainbows will never come, and you feel scared and you fear, to put all your trust in God

to know that He is going to make it all okay, even when, ESPECIALLY WHEN it seems like it isnt gonna be okay

it may not be perfect nor easy. that is true. it is DEFINITELY not perfect nor easy.

but if we only trust God, He will make all things beautiful, in his time.

it's difficult when we don't know, when that time comes. but it will come.
and all we can do is KEEP ON GOING, keep on trusting, and do the best with what little resources we have

i guess what im saying is once bitten twice shy. but guess what, God doesnt work that way
His mercies are endless and new each day :)

even this will be made beautiful

its crazy but i choose to trust.
yes. it is a choice.
yes, i have made mistakes in this lifetime, but God will always save

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