Thursday, January 12, 2017

on light and darkness

the past weekend was the epiphany. it was great. i spent years thinking (thanks to my love of puns) that on the epiphany, i should have a god-given epiphany about my life. and for better or worse, acted on whatever epiphanies i had on that day, throughout the years. this year, i realized that a lot of that was actually my own desires in a way, that i projected onto God. like doing the peds neuro elective as a medical student. i remember it was difficult to arrange and i asked God if i should go ahead with it and i thought? that i should. well on the bright side, i did have a very happy time. that was great. i learnt a lot and i got to know the whole neuro team who were awesome people. obviously however i'm not meant to specialize in peds neuro. haha. so yeah, that may have been me projecting my own desires on it all.

this year, i celebrated the epiphany for what it was. finally.

it's not because of what i've done, 
but because of who You are

"Who Am I" - casting crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours


a few things
1) the quota no longer means anything to me now (oh of course i can't see much fewer pts than everyone else cos that wouldnt be fair haha!). what i mean is, SAFETY is my priority. yes, efficiency, after being safe that is. if i can't see enough to meet these mythical numbers 2-3 mths into this posting (taking out the months i spent in the chillaxED), and i dont get dreamresisdency, then that just means i'm not ready yet for it!! i'm okay as long as i do the right thing for my patients. i do acknowledge that for the past few days i have been seeing quite fast to the best of my abilities and hopefully i have been safe too but i dont really think this superspeed seeing is exactly sustainable for me at the level of experience i have with adult medicine at the moment. of course the more experience i get, the better and faster i will be, i have no doubt abt that. but right now, i think i need a lil more experience first. and it's not really about the exact number. its abt doing the right thing for each pt. 
2)  i'm going to brush up on my knowledge STAT. realize i have a lot of deficiencies in my knowledge. but that can be remedied! i have tons of emed books plus emed has lots of FOAMed resources, there really isnt any excuse. i have a base amount of knowledge and internal flowcharts that i do currently use but i think there is ALOT OF ROOM for improvement. so i'm going to spend like 30mins/day reading around a topic like from the emed black book/ mcem guides/ emed textbks. 
3) and hopefully, God will guide me through this. because without His blessing and grace, there isnt any point for me to even set out on this road. but this i know. that God's mercy is endless and infinite, and He can make all things good. and i'll trust in that. not in human things. yes, i do want to get into residency at some point in my life. but as the years fly by, i think i'm realizing that the narrow door lies somewhere else, not in the endless online portal submissions i've been making. and that, that door is the most important door to get through. whether i can ever make it through that door, i dont know. but i can only try. the rest is inconsequential. but i'll do my best. 

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