a rare day off!
toNS of things to do, choosing ppt templates not least of them all haha
BUT planning to study today:
basic science - GI hormones
applied stuff - bradycardia
okay maybe that will take more than 5 mins. lol.
in other news, just need to keep persuading myself that God will bring me through everything, and i only need trust him. definitely not trust myself, because my human-ness and flawedness is beyond imagination. but that if i keep true to the values i KNOW are right, and do what i KNOW God wants me to do, no matter how difficult it is (sometimes very difficult, and oftentimes impossible), IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. just keep repeating that to myself, until it comes true.
its true that life sometimes makes me feel jaded. and as time goes by, i become less empathatic in general. THAT'S NOT GOOD. that has to stop. seeing patients fast, THAT HAS TO STOP too. sometimes God makes things happen to pull a handbrake on what we're doing wrong.
it's not really abt other pples expectations to be honest, it's my own expectations of myself. my own expectations exceeded what i could do physically and in reality. and that led to one month of literal torture as i tried to work faster and assume things i didnt really know, and stressed myself out.
lets go back to the beginning. the part where God was calling me to do his work and not aim for glory or accolades. the part where every person matters, in that moment, and isnt just another number to reach. yes everything may be telling me to hurry. but that doesnt mean i should hurry. the only thing i must do is increase my knowledge, and practical skills, and THEN my speed will increase. i should NEVER take shortcuts, or assume anything, because taking the shortcuts may mean taking the long way round later. and if i dont do things properly, i can't sleep at night wondering if i did the right thing. that also doesnt mean i shld beat myself up when i dont do things perfectly. like fr c says, it doesnt benefit the next pt if i keep on dwelling on what has passed.
i think what made the first six months of adult med good (apart from being really chillax, HAHA, and having zero expectations and having no one expect anything from me), is that i truly did believe that i was following God's call for the first time in my life. and when you feel that way, then it's really hard not to smile and be cheerful and happy and feel peace in your heart.
what made the past month particularly stressful (apart from doing research when i have no time to do anything except sleep and eat, and working faster than i should have, and expecting myself to miraculously know more despite the fact that i hadnt added any knowledge to my mental database since, btw anat doesnt count since its not like we use basic science everyday), is that i slowly fell off the bandwagon and had the wrong attitude. trust me, it wasnt for lack of trying. and not passing the exam was really the least of my worries. HAHA. and it wasnt really my fault per se. i mean i dont think i could have known that i actually COULDNT work any faster. haha. i tried, thats for sure.
ANYWAY. i have NO idea how i'm gonna find time to stuff knowledge in my brain, but a little bit at a time. neither can i particularly work slower suddenly. but i can try to bring cheer to other people. because i DO know that i AM doing God's work. but going to work feeling stressed, inadequate, and chui, won't really help anything or anyone. i just need to trust that if He places me in a particular place at a particular time, it must be for some general good. be it mine or for the greater good. hopefully to do more good than harm. i know for sure the friendly colleagues and nurses never fail to make my day. the pre and post shift mo room conversations, the watching chest tube insertions at 1am with fellow mo and nurses, the familiar faces during resus shifts.
on that note, i wont deny that awesome as this job is, i think stress is something that comes along with it. the doubt whether u did the right thing or not. i think it's possible that during the first few months, i was a little TOO careful and prolly double checked things a lil too often, hence i didnt suffer so much doubt, because of my over-carefulness, great but ultimately not sustainable. at some point, you just have to give it all to God. to say that, this is it, i gave it my best shot and with the best intentions, and hopefully it all turns out well. and then pray really hard that it DOES turn out well. and u cant overthink it coz there are so many more to go. its kinda like a neverending osce where u need to give each station your best shot.
so for whatever it's worth, i'm going to give february a good shot. and know that God is with me through it all. if i dont increase my knowledge much more during this month, may i at the very least, be a good person and may all my patients survive. haha.