About Me

Sunday, December 4, 2016

stay with me - goblin ost

random sunday musings
1. INTERNET IS BACK UP

i hereby conclude that internet is top of maslows hierachy of needs
esp if u have an exam in like THREE DAYS

2. transdescendant song from the beautiful tv show goblin (which i havent watched yet due to said internet)


3. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

THIS is pretty true

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. It's a love that looks right.
(note: i dont think my first love appealed to what society thinks is right. AT ALL. hahahaha. unless you count debate, which actually and truly WAS my first love pwahahaha. first love: debate. second love: medicine. third love: emergency medicine. ok that does sum it up quite well). 
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. (yup. tell me about it. cross reference: my prolific poetry writing) 
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. 
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. (the best thing about it is i realized that i shouldnt feel like this way in love ever, or ever again. but yea it can get pretty addicting. hahah)
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. (and i promised myself that if that ever happened to me again, i would run a mile. and i also ran MANY miles. haha) 
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown
so beautiful! though i doubt i'll ever find this magical third love. my current obsession is that i will go to NEPAL and practice medicine in the himalayas!! so maybe its good after all not to have found that magical third love. great. 
and on another note, it occured to me that no matter what age i am and no matter how evolved i am, i am still capable of losing my logicalness (haha what logicalness) and saying and doing stupid things when it comes to certain individuals. or maybe i shld make that singular. haha. my brain is saying NO NO NO RUN  but sometimes you CAN'T RUN. i guess my second love taught me alot about running. great, thank you. running is good. if you run far far away, you stop yourself from saying and doing silly things that you regret +++. in my less evolved state, i used to just DO AND SAY  those things. omg. control yo. good things abt being 27! 
on yet another note, i have been drooling over marathons but really havent literally run for nearly half a year! WILL RUN AFTER EXAMSSS
okay plan for today is RESPI PHYSIO and all of anat
ok i think we can start with TRIGEMINAL NERVE and FACIAL NERVE. sounds high yield
studying microb and ulnar nerve with the light of my phone off a weedy mobile data stream at 3am made me feel like those scholars in ancient times studying over candlelight in winter ahaha


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