Monday, November 21, 2016


sigh, today is over and i have not finished my paper!!! argh. oh well. will try again tomorrow i guess. i did give it a good shot.

lovely song.

on a random note, looking back on everything, i guess it's not that you weren't a good person, oh no. it's just that everything i am is everything that you wouldn't want in a partner. oh well. it's good to put all the past behind one haha. and i am glad to have found people who love me for who i am. even though there are always timings that are off and there are always people who arent meant for you no matter how much you might want them to be (isn't there always?!), even though for some people it's way too latte. at least they loved me for who i am. and i am using the word love in a generic fashion comprising platonic and non platonic love. like how i love my cg mates but contrary to rumors not in that waY HAHA. like at least they laugh at my jokes. lol.

but then again, people who walk in and out of our lives make us who we are. like m. without m i really dont know if i would have passed mbbs all those years ago! altho pple say stuff bout him but it's really true. i think they wouldnt understand unless they were in that particular situation themselves. i don't know either why every now and then you float up in my consciousness haha. i guess it was a very big part of my life. because letting go was also a big part of the miracle, i dont think i can ever extricate that from my memory. everytime i look back on the past, reminisce on how God saved me, i can't run away from that door closing. but with each passing year, as God gives me more and more blessings and showers me with his comfort and joy, i realize that that was just the first out of many doors to close, designed to teach me that when all the doors start closing, that's when God will start opening windows for the rainbows to pour in

so it's not a sad thing, its decidedly a happy thing. although i did literally drag myself away from the first major door closing in my life, the next few doors were much easier. i guess it was made much much sweeter by meeting awesome people who believed in me

that brings me to my research. i really dont want to let down people who believed in me. i dont know why they believed in me, but they did. so i must do better :)

i dont know what im trying to say here. i guess that this was actually the EASIER road, not the harder one? follow God, he always knows the best way. the way our heart leads, even if it wants it with all one's might, is not really always the right way. i followed that road alllll this way and i landed up in the right place finally :) thank God. i think i realized it that night shift.

haha. most of my life realizations seem to be on night shifts/ post night shifts.
GUESS WHAT, past self, GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN AFTER 2AM (this goes contrary to what i learnt from how i met ur mother. pwahaha)

okay hope i survive this airway course tmr! go go

Sunday, November 20, 2016


must finish paper todayyyy. arghhh

reading thru old emails never fails to make me feel encouraged. good that my 27 year old self is somewhat more hardened and mature than my 20 yr old self LOL. but then again, i guess we need to go thru all that angst in order to get hardened in the first place.

i used to honestly truly think that someone would come up on a white horse, or God would drop somebody from the sky, ok metaphorically i mean heh. nowadays as i plan my drswithoutborders ambitions (my boss on night shift as we traded resus stories "will your mother even let you go?!! hahahaha so astute), i realize increasingly that having a guy and having cute kids is something that i honestly dont really care about. i guess its all abt where you place all your happiness on. haha.

ok. MUST DO RESEARCH. must get into residency. must qualify for a seat on that plane SOMEHOW. i give myself 8 years!! that puts me at 35, good age to go :):)

days when i was in young love wahahahaha it seems so long ago. i cant believe that i could have believed those things, i must have been mad

if i cld go back in time, i wld tell my younger self these things
2) dont bother falling in love with anyone because years from now, you will barely remember them, let alone talk to them. so not really much point there. if you still want to go ahead, you must be insane. you want to know how it's gonna turn out? THIS IS YOUR ANSWER YO. there are so many other cool things you can be doing with your life. trust me. remember the pride and prejudice quote "WHAT ARE MEN TO MOUNTAINS". remember this well
3) live in the er. like do all your electives there, do nonstop nightshifts there!!! i really really wish i had done that haha.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

already there

survived my journalclub presentation!

aims for this weekend
- paper
- emails
- more lit r/v
- do at least 20mcqs/ day
- watch at least 2 online vids
- finish up teachmeanatomy for the leg

another inspiring youtube vid

"Already There" - casting crowns

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit
You are already there

this quota thing makes me a lil depressed since i already know i CAN'T hit the quota. if they use the quota to decide residency, then its a no brainer really. buT! one year of being a paeds mo taught me (well apart from NEVER TRUST ANYONE, check EVERYTHING yourself, literally everything), that i prefer to ask if i'm not sure abt something that to stay awake all night wondering if i did the right thing. so yessss i may be a lil slow but at least i know i'm safe. and i think the numbers can only go up not down, so if i ever get posted back to this dept (the big computer in the sky willing), i resolve to do my best!! i will NOT go home until i see 10pts/shift. nopes. even if i need to stay back 3 hrs (yea i guess i really do see one pt/hr sighhh). of course if i go back again the quota would be 14. HAHA. well one step at a time. i'd be really happy if i got to go back, and i guess as time goes by and i get better at this, i'd probably get faster at it too. hahahaah.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

now i know

had a really splendid confession the other day. literally mind blowing. i really have no way to describe it but that warm feeling is something i will remember for a long time.

writing it down here just incase i forget that beautiful memory haha

really amazing how God can use others to touch our lives and bring us back to Him
i was really stunned speechless when i realized how God had worked in our lives. literally stunned speechless

to father A who made my day, maybe my week or month even, THANK YOU so much. i was not expecting much just a routine thing to tick off some boxes, but instead my eyes were opened and i saw again

anyway whilst sitting in the waiting area the mass was going on outside and i heard father m talking about how he encourages students taking exams to think off all the fun things they can do after the exam haha!

so this is my list of what i wanna do
- gym at my homeground ff
- watch fantastic beasts
- take part in a plain vanilla bakery cooking class. looks super yums
- plan amazing holidays


on another note, i really dont think im going to pass this exam. its just gonna be a really expensive anatomy mock exam at the rate im going. sobs. plus research and this journal club on headache which is literally giving me a headache.

but then again i guess being busy is good. and to spend this chillax posting doing exams and research is a BRILLIANT IDEA. since er if i dont even have time to study as much as i would like to with ALL these glorious off days, i think in the busy hospital, NO CHANCE EITHER.

so hopefully i will be able to cram enough anatomy last min. HAHA. i wish.

this video combines my two loves: crossfit and korean stuff. and it's hilarious haha
#crossfit obsession

lovely song by one of my fav singers

ok on the bright side, the research is (sort of) chugging along, my journal club is 85% prepared
now i just need to mug my frcem for the day and chillax in prep for the busy shift tmr.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

crossfit chronicles #2

2nd crossfit fundamentals today was AWESOME

although, very long HAHA. i kid you not. 4hrs of crossfit. tomorrow the muscle soreness is totally going to hit me

whether i sign up for crossfit or not, i really loved trying out all the stuff i always read abt online and watch youtube vids of. and the trainer was great at making me do stuff i didnt dare to do and thinking up progressions for me. e.g dropping 25kg weight from a squat position (super scary!!), pullups with bands, knees to chest instead of toes to bar, jumping on top of a 20inch pylo box haha. i think a lot of it is the fear component. and i got to try out muscle ups and handstand push ups!! which of course, i couldn't do, duh, i knew that already, but at least now i know how i can work on the progressions to get there one day! that said, altho i love crossfit, i dont really think it jives too well with my lifestyle (where i eat/sleep/work and am permanently sleep and coffee deprived). i might well end up falling on my nose and sitting in p3 for 8 hours with "went for crossfit class. now complains of nose pain after falling onto nose. denies any loc".

today's WOD!
(note, done after nearly 3hrs of learning all the crossfit movements/ muscle ups/ handstandpushups, this is pretty brutal. if done fresh, it might not be that brutal. i wouldnt know, will try it out fresh someday on my ff homeground hehe)

5 rounds for time of
- rowing for 20 calories
- 10 kettlebell swings 16/8 (i used the 8kg option)
- 5 toes to bar/ knees to chest 
cap 20 mins
i did it in ~17mins :)

oh well, twas fun and awesome

for the next week, i need to juggle shifts (thankfully with many off days) with:
paper for my previous research
preparing journal club presentation
mugging for frcem

Friday, November 11, 2016

fighting for You

had a really nice shift at the busy hosp ytd! it literally felt like i never left haha. people thought i'd just gone on leave which is why they didnt see me for a week (which is not wrong, i did take leave hahah). one of the things i love abt that place is that in the middle of all the controlled chaos and crazyness, there are still lovely people who are nice DESPITE the high stress levels. it's really amazing how they manage to do that!! the quota still stresses me out tho, nothing's changeD there. 

research is shaping up to be really exciting too! the feeling that you're into something greater than yourself, that you can help to actually change things (not one patient at a time and not-quite meeting the crazy quota, but manyy people at a time) is really a humbling thought. i dont know how i got the idea to approach my current research mentor but he is AWESOME. thank you God for leading me to him, having a good mentor makes a huge difference!! of course alot depends on oneself too which, i resolve to do better haha. 

I see the tears on your face 
I watch your friends walk away
(Oh) I've been there too, I've been there too
I see the nights you can't sleep,
I hear your broken heart beat
Well I've felt that too, yeah I've felt that too

Start walking with your head held high
The future is bright heaven's gates are open wide
Every trouble that you ever walk through
Peace my child I am, I am, 
I am fighting for you
I am fighting for you

Tell me you're a lost cause and maybe you're too far gone
Oh that's not true yeah that's not true


"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28-31

possibly the most comforting + encouraging words of ALL TIME

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

analysis of my one week leave

LOL i think too much research/ reading journal articles "analysis of effects of bla bla blah"

it's been good! despite my exercise induced myalgia and my urti from an unknown virus, as well as my headache 2' viral illness and now currently my extreme sleepiness 2' last minute procrastination, all in all, i did quite a bit of studying - probably watched 7 video lectures and did >100 qns, managed to gym ONCE (ie crossfit), went swimming for the first time in ages, had a very nice mass and felt God's presence very comfortingly, managed to tell who i now realized was the first person to actually believe in me that i now understood what he told me all those years ago when he said to find a place where God needs people to work most, when trying to find out which specialty to apply for. did ALOT on the research front. drafted one paper and got started on meetings for the next research.

so much effiency. now i'm just going to chillax before my anticipatedly crazy shift at the busy hospital cm.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

all that matters

8th November: All that Matters

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Conflicting claims readily crowd out essential ones. A crowd of patients with trivial problems may cause us to neglect the seriously ill. It is easy to be too busy in medicine. The work is important, interesting and rewarding. It may be easy to justify doing the job that presents itself, to deal with the urgent at the expense of the important, and to overlook the doctor's own need for times of relaxation.

The achievers in any discipline are the single-minded, and the Christian is told to do whatever he does wholeheartedly. But in the possible tension between God's claims and those which are professional, the greater danger is that God may be crowded out.

Running through all the demands of today -- all my plans for tomorrow in clinical work: further diplomas; job prospects; domestic cares; leisure pursuits -- it should still be possible to step on one side to remind myself that one thing only really matters. All these other things are ephemeral. `The things that are seen are transient, but the things that are not seen are eternal' (2 Cor 4:18).

Sir Thomas More, in the midst of his high affairs of state, protested `I neither could nor would rule my king...but there's a little... little... area... where I must rule myself. It's a very little -- less to him than a tennis court'.

Thomas Brooke has written:

`If God be thy portion, there is no condition that can make thee miserable: if God be not thy portion, there is no condition that can make thee happy. If God be not thy portion, in the midst of thy sufficiency thou will be in straits. O sirs, it is not absolutely necessary that you should have this or that earthly portion, but it is absolutely necessary that you should have God'.

Monday, November 7, 2016


new fav choreographer = bongyong park

it will rain

wish i could dance like this!!!

the ocean

the awesomeness of one million dance studios!!

You can be my guiding light
That's all I need
All I want
Is for you to stay a little longer now

all i wanna do

pre night shift thoughts
1. muscles i dont know the names of are aching. the problem is that in december i will be taking an exam in which i NEED to know the names of these muscles!!!

cooling down post crossfit
instructor: ok guys so now just hang from the bar and stretch your shoulders *demonstrates* 
my internal thoughts *hmmm the possible brachial pleuxus injuries are... OOH i should go home and draw out the brachial plexuses all pretty with colorful marker pens!*

haha honestly i would LOVE to do crossfit long term. but i dont think its sustainable to be SO wiped post workout. it feels great but just not commensurate with my job sadly. like how i dont really dare to do bodypump pre night, i dont think i would dare to crossfit in the morning prenight either HAHA. of course, it depends which hospital you work in and how xiong the nights are, and this two months is a good time to try out crossfit. 

OKAY research gogogo

Sunday, November 6, 2016

dont forget

today was a really good mass. just wanted to remember that moment forever.

i really think God was present at that mass, today.

i mean, he's always there, but today it was more obvious than usual :)

back to normal life now~ and brainfog when writing papers. its not a hard paper to write actually just that my urti and massive muscle aches from yesterday are hindering me lol

but i won't forget today's experience

Saturday, November 5, 2016

crossfit chronicles #1

haha so i have been thinking about trying crossfit for AGES

(understatement. i distinctly remember watching the entire crossfit games on youtube)

few mths ago i went for the intro class at this box, and today a happy coincidence of leave and good timings meant i went for the fundamentals class too! 

long story short (three hrs of stretches, weightlifting, pullups, pushups and core work), crossfit is awesome!!!

we did a short intro wod which im sure is really basic but which was killer anywaY. goin to post it up so i can have a record :)

amrap (as many reps as possible in 7mins) of
shoulder press/ push press/ push jerk 

ouchhhh. am totally gonna ache for the next few days. good job on the first gym session in two months being crossfit heh

but i feel reaaaally happy and high now!! 

kinda wish i could sign up for this longterm. but i dont know if my scheduling permits??? 

Friday, November 4, 2016

sugar overload

HAHA this cheered me up IMMENSELY

this is the stuff

woke up today with sore throat +++ and decidedly on the wrong side of the bed

HOWEVER, i also woke up to two emails from each of my research mentors, and home cooked tteokbokki!

small mercies keep us goin'

Overwhelmed by my tomorrows
What’s ahead I’ll never know
But I believe that You are for me
And you won’t leave me alone

I find peace and I find comfort
In the One who knows the way
You have overcome my every struggle
The God who holds my days

All along You’re right beside me
Your love it keeps me safe

Thursday, November 3, 2016

one step away

"One Step Away"

What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again
And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away
From the you, you once knew
Now yesterday's shame keeps saying that you'll never get back on track
But what if I told you…

You're one step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You're not alone
You're one step away

It doesn't matter how far you've gone
Mercy says you don't have to keep running down the road you're on
Love's never met a lost cause
Your shame, lay it down
Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause you know that you can't go back
But you can turn around

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You're just one step away

sometimes your inner cheerleader gets rhabdomyolysis and cant go on anymore
sometimes when you're the only one shouting into a void, you get pharyngitis
sometimes everyone elses' negativity gets you down eventually after much persistance. great persistence. good job guys, i'm now persuaded that this life sucks. to my inner cheerleader, i'm really sorry. i tried to fight it but i guess when life tells you NONSTOP,its really hard to ignore it. 

i cant and dont pretend this life is perfect
i can keep on trying to live it
glowing in the dark is not easy, when the batteries run out

but this i know
it is when we are at our lowest point, God will always be there
he might drag us awhile 
so when we look back on our lives, we might see a long groove in the snow rather than two sets of footprints

that's perfectly fine

Here I am, all my intentions
All my obsessions, I wanna lay them all down
In Your hands, only Your love is vital
Though I’m not entitled
Still You call me Your child

God, You don’t need me, but somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me, somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life and the way it should go
Oh, God, You don’t need me, but somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me, somehow that frees me
To open my hands up and give You control
I give You control

I’ve had plans shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in, fall through my hands
You have plans to redeem and restore me
You’re behind and before me
Oh, help me believe


haha on a random note, leave really gives me too much time to think. i miss the days of CRAZYLONG queues, crazy things happening everyday, pushing pts to resus, doing t&s for people who are intoxicated, calling hand for crazy lacerations. i guess being busy and seeing fun stuff makes me happy. duH. 

well that gives me inspiration! to get over this stumbling block called LIFE and NAYSAYERS and PESSIMISM. i need to get back there, to the best place on earth. i need to be better when i get back too. 2 more months and here's hoping that God will give me that much longed for posting. please God, please help me with the big computer in the sky. love, me. 

ps: thank you for giving me this posting in the first place. thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone into a place where you knew i would be happy.

isnt it funny how we make plans, but God's plan, even though it may not be what we originally intended, is MUCH better and perfecter than ours? 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016



I know that fear is a liar
A thief breaking into my heart
He tries to steal all my fire
And shut me down before I even start, yeah

I know I can take it everyday
If there's a way you will make it
I won't be afraid
'cause I be like

Whatever comes my way
I'm not turning back
I know your love won't leave
So I won't worry 'cause
If I fall I win every time I get up again
'cause I can't lose, if I keep learning
I'm learning, I'm learning
I'm learning, I'm learning

Let them shout from the bleachers
Every time I don't get it right
I know my failure is my teacher
And I'm still here in the fight

i survived this posting!!! thank You God. :) most fun and enjoyable posting EVER. may i have many many more months of a&e experience to come, and may we continue to do Your Will.

i know that i can take it everyday/ if there's a way You will make it


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...