Thursday, October 20, 2016

i will rise again

the good thing abt a day off is... it is a day off! the bad thing is there is SO much time to think, sometimes u dont really want to think too much

everything always has two sides of it

my idealistic side says: i am finally doing God's will, doing good work everyday, doing what i signed up for when i signed up for med school. and if i keep on this road, one day i can join doctors without borders/ go to africa for that AWESOME sounding trauma elective YEAH game face on each shift, i've got this!!

and sometimes the voice of doubt creeps in. i dont think i need to specify what it says.

after nearly twenty seven years of life, taking stock of my life, i guess at least i can do what i love everyday. even after all the ups and downs through the years, i didn't lose my God. through goodness knows how many rejections, both personal and professional, ok i might have occasionally lost my cool (when younger haha), but not my God

i believed in God through it all. even now, what gets me through the day is the unyielding belief that i can do this! God is going to help me! to be perfectly honest, i do not know why i have this firm and unshakeable belief. partly becos if i dont cling on to that belief, i think it's very hard to live

i can't live this life with the hope that one day i will be qualified enough to join drs without borders - the other day i was just told that i'm too slow, BY MY HERO. went to pour out my heartbreak to d who said "to be fair, in a warzone..." thanks ah. haha.

i think i do believe that it's going to be okay. the past 3.5 months have literally been lifechanging. apart from that one day that i was told i was slow by my hero (and was really heartbroken, just for the record), i've been surviving. even tho i just joined the world of adult med and a really busy posting, thanks to God's grace, i was able to hit the ground running. i have NEVER been able to do that. its a combination of transferable skills from my previous posting and good training in the first 2mths. it's really... i have no other way to describe this 3.5 months other than a constant outpouring of God's grace & the puzzle pieces of my life falling into place.

i guess it's just that i am scared. i am scared that i am over-mythologising it and that it's not it. but it seems all so perfect! it all makes perfect sense to me now!

sometimes, acknowledging that you have flaws and areas to improve, acknowledging that you are scared, is the first step. talking through it helps me see more clearly. it's not the voice of realism seeding doubt in me, it's the voice of doubt.

i dont listen to voices of doubt. i believe that my God will turn my darkness into light.

i believe that everything i have gone thru this 27 years is for a reason. every naysayer, every person that doubted me, just makes me that much stronger.

i'm going to do this!! there is no other option. THIS IS IT. it's going to work out, i'm going to make it work out. coming this far already is a miracle. God would never bring me this far and then abandon me.  it's not really about things and accomplishments. i can't live a life based on the hope that five years from now i can qualify for a seat on that plane (although i would love to...). i can live this life, believing that God can bless even each and every mundane day (although in emed life is hardly ever mundane. HAHA. which is why i love it.)

God put a million million doors in the world
for his love to walk through

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