Sunday, October 30, 2016

nothing is wasted

"I Will Rise Again"

I will rise, I will rise
I will rise, I will rise

It was like somebody knew how to cripple me
with the perfect plan to break my belief
Take me piece by piece till my faith was all but gone

It knocked me down so far that I couldn't get up 
but face down in the dirt I heard the voice of love 
saying do not fear, you won't be here for long

I will rise again, I will rise again
I believe I believe that I had to break
So love could make me whole 
But I will rise again, stronger in the end
I believe I believe in a brand new day
A love that saves so I can say
I will rise again

I'm not who I was, You won't recognize me
Love came down and redefined me
And piece by piece put me back together differently 

And the perfect plan to try to bring me down
Has been put to shame it's been turned around
as I come so alive that death is afraid of me

Cause you've been here before
You've overcome the war
My life is found in yours
And you say I will rise again
You heal and you restore
You break down every door
My life is found in yours
And you say I will rise again
It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom 
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

I LOVE this chorus.
i believe i believe that i had to break/ so love could make me whole

never fails to cheer me up.

there are so many things in this world that can break us. just when id thought id conquered all my personal battles, then new things crop up. its like playing minecraft in real life and darkness keeps coming within minutes before you can find a shelter to hide. you keep resetting your lives and it keeps on repeating lol. seriously. the more i live this life, the more i am convinced that we CANNOT let them break us.

NEVERTHELESS, as this year/ posting draws to a close, what strikes me is that this year is about God opening windows when all the doors are closed. about light in the middle of darkness. about God making all things beautiful, even when all seems lost. basically best exemplified in all of jason gray's songs haha. that when it's dark all around, there is a way to see in the dark. even when everything doesn't make sense, God will help you somehow, in some way, to glow in the dark. i think that's the most comforting thing about it all. knowing that even at your lowest point, God will come and save you.

i wish i could transmit this absolute faith in God to everyone i love too but, i guess, sadly as im obviously less than perfect in my own life, its a little difficult convincing others unless you yourself are the embodiment of sth. OH WELL. i guess since i honestly never had much expectations for myself, its a little easier for me to give up, coz i have less to give up? i can always say to myself that at least im better than myself ten years ago, and truly believe it. HAHA. love truly did put me back together differently. i dont even think i can count how many times i've been broken over the years.

 at least i can replay jason gray's songs over and over again. absolute playlist of joy and hope.
"i found joy that was hidden for all these yrs
love overflowing to wash over everything
hope runnin over when i let go
here at the end of me"

maybe part two is how to live my life in a way that i can make others believe too. just a thought?

anyway had the CRAZIEST NIGHT with c. i saw 17 pts and he 16. we both left at 9+am. omg. the morning con was really horrified to see me leaving the mo room at 10am (waiting for my ride home hahah). i had the thought somewhere at 3am that it was pretty funny that our 30 waiting patients were all depending on whatever our med sch tutors had taught us years ago, but i guess c has 2+ years of residency in which he learnt a lot of useful stuff too HAHA i want that experience!! i truly think it can make me a much better doctor. oh well, God willing, one day maybe?

two more shifts! i can do this!!!

Friday, October 28, 2016

with God you know that anything's possible

this youtube video popped up on my feed and made me smile

"Giants Fall"

Everyone's telling you
To let go of what you're holding to
It's too late, too far
You're too small, it's too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you're not seeing
But oh, maybe they don't
Know what you know
That you're not alone

Don't you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything's possible
So step into the fight
He's right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

We could really live like this
Can't you imagine it
So bold, so brave
With childlike faith
Miracles could happen
Mountains would start moving
So whatever you may face


Ask and believe
You're gonna see
The hand of God in every little thing


Miracles can happen
Anything is possible
Watch the giants fall


lots of events have been happening & truth be told, sometimes it gets a little hard to believe. sometimes, no most of the time, my inner cheerleader gets fatigued from continously repeating "it's going to be ok. God is going to save us".

i honestly do think that the only way to keep on going is to believe. if you dont believe, it's very hard to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. to believe that no matter what, the sun is going to rise. that no matter how long the drought, God will send some rain.

a few more shifts in the busy hospital, then i can focus on research + exams.

i am as always grateful for so many things - my supervisor and her kind comments that really made my day on a busy shift where i left a few hrs later than i was supposed to. friends new and old - its fun having c in the same dept and great that i can ask him for advice. and post evening shift chillaxing at cheers haha. the boundless kindness of dr j - for which i literally dont think i can ever thank him enough. that the past two months have been relatively smooth despite the fact that i havent done adult med for a year, and before that i was a ho - this is the first time ive had to make my own independent decisions in adult med and luckily enough, good habits like always asking for advice if sth niggles at you or you arent sure, as well as transferable skills, saw me through. and God's grace.

for the exciting times, all the pushing patients to resus, the bleeds, the massive haemetemesises and the massives haemoptyses. calling cts for ecmo. for the nurses who help me save my dinner/ share their food with me when i miss the dinner timing/ share their excitement at work with me.
me "wah today busy ah" (an UNDERSTATEMENT btw)
nurse "i know, but exciting right"

other memorable instances
me *puts file into nurses action slot*
nurse " Dr E, why are you so fast"
me " HAHAHAHA that's literally the first time in my life someone has said that to me
nurse "really ah. first time ever?!"

i walk into fever for a shift
nurse "dr e! heng ah"
me "hahahaha ok i hope i live up to that tonight"

for the record i survived that shift ;p
ok, off to sleep prenight. it's FRIDAY NIGHT. good luck to us allll haha

what if i gave everything

When I feel hopeless and desperate, give me the Grace and Trust that you will rescue me and bring me to safety..

"The Lord will rescue me ... " - 2 Timothy 4:6-8,16-18

cutest picture ever!!

life is sooo busy now
- research
- shifts
- crossfit fundamentals coming up :):)
- exam mugging :):)

Thursday, October 20, 2016

i will rise again

the good thing abt a day off is... it is a day off! the bad thing is there is SO much time to think, sometimes u dont really want to think too much

everything always has two sides of it

my idealistic side says: i am finally doing God's will, doing good work everyday, doing what i signed up for when i signed up for med school. and if i keep on this road, one day i can join doctors without borders/ go to africa for that AWESOME sounding trauma elective YEAH game face on each shift, i've got this!!

and sometimes the voice of doubt creeps in. i dont think i need to specify what it says.

after nearly twenty seven years of life, taking stock of my life, i guess at least i can do what i love everyday. even after all the ups and downs through the years, i didn't lose my God. through goodness knows how many rejections, both personal and professional, ok i might have occasionally lost my cool (when younger haha), but not my God

i believed in God through it all. even now, what gets me through the day is the unyielding belief that i can do this! God is going to help me! to be perfectly honest, i do not know why i have this firm and unshakeable belief. partly becos if i dont cling on to that belief, i think it's very hard to live

i can't live this life with the hope that one day i will be qualified enough to join drs without borders - the other day i was just told that i'm too slow, BY MY HERO. went to pour out my heartbreak to d who said "to be fair, in a warzone..." thanks ah. haha.

i think i do believe that it's going to be okay. the past 3.5 months have literally been lifechanging. apart from that one day that i was told i was slow by my hero (and was really heartbroken, just for the record), i've been surviving. even tho i just joined the world of adult med and a really busy posting, thanks to God's grace, i was able to hit the ground running. i have NEVER been able to do that. its a combination of transferable skills from my previous posting and good training in the first 2mths. it's really... i have no other way to describe this 3.5 months other than a constant outpouring of God's grace & the puzzle pieces of my life falling into place.

i guess it's just that i am scared. i am scared that i am over-mythologising it and that it's not it. but it seems all so perfect! it all makes perfect sense to me now!

sometimes, acknowledging that you have flaws and areas to improve, acknowledging that you are scared, is the first step. talking through it helps me see more clearly. it's not the voice of realism seeding doubt in me, it's the voice of doubt.

i dont listen to voices of doubt. i believe that my God will turn my darkness into light.

i believe that everything i have gone thru this 27 years is for a reason. every naysayer, every person that doubted me, just makes me that much stronger.

i'm going to do this!! there is no other option. THIS IS IT. it's going to work out, i'm going to make it work out. coming this far already is a miracle. God would never bring me this far and then abandon me.  it's not really about things and accomplishments. i can't live a life based on the hope that five years from now i can qualify for a seat on that plane (although i would love to...). i can live this life, believing that God can bless even each and every mundane day (although in emed life is hardly ever mundane. HAHA. which is why i love it.)

God put a million million doors in the world
for his love to walk through

Saturday, October 15, 2016

i did not want love from you/ marshmello

loving this jam


life has been interesting lately. going into this, i didnt expect much coz i expected myself to be really noob. but surprisingly towards the end of sept i realized i was getting into the swing of things & getting better at p3. however this mth has been alot of p2 shifts. so basically back to square one. resus shift was also very exciting but very humbling. nurses kept coming to me and telling me "eh today ur resus shift very exciting leh" HAHA thanks.

it's always a balance to see pts fast and also to do the right thing.its very very hard. but i will keep trying!

it was a bit heartbreaking the other day having a healthy dose of realism tempering my irrepressible enthusiastic idealism. but that doesnt mean i can't be a good doctor, that doesnt mean i can't keep trying my best. even if my best doesnt match up to other people's best, i'm okay as long as i am better than each of my yesterdays. dreams are just that - dreams. if we can or can't ever be qualified for that seat on that plane, maybe there is a reason why?

on a brighter note, mugging anatomy for exams is quite fun. reminds me of how much i loved it in med sch. except that i can't rmb any of it now OMG.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

i have this hope

"I Have This Hope"

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid
Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I'll see Your face


Here I am
All my intentions 
All my obsessions 
I want to lay them all down 
In Your hands 
Only Your love is vital
Though I'm not entitled
Still You call me Your child

Oh how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh help me believe

Friday, October 7, 2016

i'm never gonna do it alone


I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

Oh I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am so tired of trying to prove it 
I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You

had a very unsatisfying shift ytd. where i handed over 3 cases where i really wanted to do more but its not like i cld sit there for hours more waiting for a more clear disposition for the pt. nothing was wrong with my management but i just wanted to find a clear disposition, before i handed them over. its not usually like that, ive ended up staying back 3hrs post shift and settling all my pts before going before, not by choice but it just happened like that haha. but then the good thing? i guess abt emed is the part of handing over and going home. hmmm i think there are days when it works out well and days when it doesnt. some of the pts were handed over to me too, so not entirely my fault in that i was just a messenger for what needed to be done. RAHHH.

it's okay, every shift that isnt perfect just reminds me of how much more i need to improve.

maybe God wanted me to do this posting to learn how to set plugs. HAHA. entirely possible considering the exponential improvement in my plug setting skills.

looking back on my life, i dont think i cld have done this posting at any other point in my life. without ce, i would never have dared to do t&s or m&r, and i also didnt have a clue how to do backslabs. despite learning some of these things in med sch, i think u just have to do it hands on a couple of times before gaining confidence in it. SO it worked out well. i just need to keep on levelling up. that's the point of this one year right? to level up. YEAH i can do it!

watching a really nice drama now called drinking solo, about korean students studying for the civil service exam. even though i'm obviously not studying for the korean civil service exam, and exams nowadays dont for me involve studying all day (more of snatches of mcqs during rare free time and watching online lectures), i totally remember how i used to clear my room/ the house/ do EVERYTHING but study in the student days hahahaha and study while eating too. omg totally hits home for me. and how they just keep trying year after year to pass the exam. think it's really nice that a drama depicts their daily lives and struggles so accurately, rather than just being another sugarcoating girl meets boy kinda story, it really does portray actual human life. who says my life is not like a korean drama HUH haha.

on a more serious note, something i really did learn from all this kdrama/ korean variety show watching is that if some part is lacking, you can just do your darndest to fix the part that is lacking. i guess technically once you fix all the parts that are lacking, you can go up one level

and on a separate note, to my friend who just sold me the mcem books, THANK YOU SO MUCH. you have no idea how inspiring the books are. i really dont know what i did to deserve this kindness, but the books are awesome. thank you!!!

Thursday, October 6, 2016


good stuff from
" Have you ever longed for something you don’t have? Like never before, we can see what almost anyone has in all its jealousy-inducing glory.

We want, but we do not have. We work hard for it, but it is still escapes us.

“This Really Isn’t Fair”

After wallowing around in my self-pity over what God was not giving me, I was confronted by the words of Psalm 73.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25–26)
It’s a good passage, and a sweetly memorable one, but it comes after much struggle, after a lot of wrestling. It is born out of emotional pain.

This passage is the climax of the entire psalm, but a lot has to happen before he can get to that high point. The psalmist comes to see God as his portion only after he sees the abundant portion of the wicked and wonders why it’s not his, too. We all struggle at some point with comparison and jealousy. Psalm 73 shows us a better way to process the seeming injustice.

How Do You Respond?

Those of us who struggle with responding to life’s difficulties should be encouraged by the psalmist’s response after seeing injustice and feeling envy. He didn’t burst into praise to God immediately. He began with questioning God’s purposes (Psalm 73:1–2), he recounts how he feels over the injustice of it all (Psalm 73:3–15), and then he takes action.

After he allowed himself to struggle, he begins to see that simply wallowing in the injustice will get him nowhere. It only leads to despair. So he runs to God (Psalm 73:17). It is only here, in God’s presence, that he is able to see himself and the wicked rightly (Psalm 73:17–20).

It is only when he goes to God that he has any perspective on his circumstances. It is only when he looks away from what his eyes can see that he realizes that his envious response will only lead to more despair (Psalm 73:21–22). Left to himself, it’s a bleak picture. But in God’s presence, he can see clearly.

Good to Be Near to God

This new sight and these new feelings lead him to worship. Turning away from what was in front of him, and towards God’s global and unstoppable purposes, helped him not only to praise God, but also to put away the envy that threatened to destroy him (Psalm 73:21–22).

The psalmist ends where we must end when we are riddled with envy, jealousy, bitterness, comparison, and frustration over injustice.

But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:28)
The nearness of the Lord is always for our good. The farther away we are from him, the easier it is to forget that he is on the throne, that he has eternal purposes that cannot be thwarted, and that we are his beloved children. Sometimes it takes great wrestling to get us to the place of seeing him as our portion, but it’s always good for us to get there again.

At first glance, there is so much to envy in our world. But this world is not our home. The final chapter has yet to be written, when we receive fullness of joy face-to-face with our King."


a lot to think about in this article.

on one hand, pursuing this path gives me a lot of peace. i never knew, that giving up something could give me so much inmeasurable peace. dont think i'll ever forget that moment in the cab when i realized that God was working the miracle i had always prayed for, truly in a way beyond my imagination or expectation.

this article speaks to me because i used to think exactly in this way. no not in the admirable way the speaker thinks, in the part about wallowing in self-pity haha.

d was giving me some life advice and telling me to write about my Life Changing Experiences in all my applications and i was just like "hm i dont really think a post night epiphany in a taxi means anything to anyone but myself leh"

no dont get me wrong, i'm nowhere near the level of saintliness this article encourages one to reach. i'm probably still in the midst of wrestling with life. but at least it promises some modicum of hope, something one can reach someday.

to be perfectly honest, despite the fact that i really enjoy what i do now, and that i will be eternally grateful for graces and help i have recieved these three months (learning a whole new skill and trying to remember what i learnt 2 yrs ago in med sch is not easy!! plus the fact that i was never good at plug setting and now my daily efficiency basically depends on my plug setting skillz haha), i think one can never really know what God's plan is, or how life is going to turn out, until it actually comes to fruition

i also dont want to make the same mistakes of psyching myself up to love something and thinking that God is calling me to it, when he isn't really.

... ok crap too late. i love it already. oh nooooo. i really hope God is calling me to this. whoops.

siGH that late night conversation was way too thought provoking. i think i shld just have continued sitting in fever googling "things to pack for iceland in winter"

i think what i'm trying to say is that, we can't really conclude what is God's plan until on hindsight. there will always be days where doubt creeps in, when everyone else seems more qualified than you, when the plugs dont go in. on those days, God will always be there. somehow. but on the days that we feel peace in our hearts, we feel like we're in the zone, when work seems like play, when the plugs go in easily, it somehow makes it all okay. that it's okay not to have any great overarching ambition. that it's okay to no longer lead a life full of insecurities and envy for others. that just this day, full of happiness at helping someone, is enough.

'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark

Wednesday, October 5, 2016



When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home

How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be

Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear stained eyes
I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me

When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

You see your worst mistake
But I see the price I paid
And there's nothing you could ever do, to lose what grace has won

So hold on, it's not the end
No, this is where love's work begins
I'm making all things new
And I will make a miracle of you

I see my child, my beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell

You see worthless, I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy

each step i take/ you make a way

"God Of All My Days"

I came to You with my heart in pieces
And found the God with healing in His hands
I turned to You, put everything behind me
And found the God who makes all things new
I looked to You, drowning in my questions
And found the God who holds all wisdom
And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean
You caught my hand among the waves
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows
And found a God who relentlessly pursues
I hid from You, haunted by my failure
And found the God whose grace still covers me
I fell on You when I was at my weakest
And found the God, the lifter of my head
And I've worshiped You
And felt You right beside me
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days


had a really good night shift!! it was so good in fever i went to help in p3, which was so good that me and the other p3 mo ended up having d3 tgt at 4am haha.

i came to you with my heart in pieces/ and found the God with healing in His hands

the past few shifts have been all really good. i think its coz once my plug setting got better, life got really much better haha.

thinking about it, i think what i meant is that i no longer want to set my sights on things as goals to be achieved. in the sense that i dont want to feel bitter when i dont get the things i hold on so tightly to. i just want to coast on this floating feeling forever. this feeling that God's got my back, that he's saving me day after day, that finally after forever i'm doing the right thing, what God called me to do. that's what i meant. yes. i think my soul has already been shattered countless times over. each time i'm not sure if it gets easier or harder to repair it. but i know that God helps me each time. i can still remember the days my soul shattered, even after all this time passes. i guess after all that, i have different yardsticks by which i evaluate my life. it might make me sound a little inmature or idealistic, not sure which. but after all this, i cant really evaluate my life by the usual yardsticks, not least because it doesnt really measure up - HAHA. i guess as long as i'm doing God's work, where i am or what i'm doing, i dont really mind. i guess what im trying to say is i realize that there are a lot of things i have given up on. my pride, things i held on tightly too - i no longer hold on tightly to them, because i realized that God has something much better in store. but that doesnt mean that my soul wasn't shattered, just that God will put me back together :)

and my shipwrecked faith/ will never make it to shore
can he find me here/
can he keep me from going under?
oh my soul/ you are not alone/
there's a place/ where fear has to face the God you know
one more day/ he will make a way


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...