Wednesday, September 28, 2016

reasons why you brought me here/ thank You for everything

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley 
Every bitter chill 
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when 
Faith caves in 
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone 

But every shadow is evidence of sun 
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us 

You alone will shine 
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine 

finally did it!!!! a huge weight is off my shoulders now.

each year when this time of year rolls around, i feel a different set of feelings. initially was the gold-rush feeling, then replaced by hopeful belief, then replaced by jadedness and ennui. and every feb/march, came the disbelief, stunned silence, and the making sense of whys.

this time? this time i'm just grateful for the mercies in the last three months. for the ability to apply at all. considering i only had three months to literally scrape through an application. cut it a bit close to be honest, thank goodness that i have a day off today or i would never have made it. for the people who have encouraged me and taught me from literally day one of my posting. for the many epiphanies i had in this short three months. i dont even think i had that many epiphanies in the past three years put together. that's what i felt as i clicked the submit button - gratefulness for God for giving me the chance to even apply, this time.

putting together this app has given me a better idea of what i need to do in the upcoming year - research, exams, etc.

next up: MEDICAL REPORTS. then off to study for part a.

every bitter chill/ made me ready to climb back up the hill 
there's a time where every soul is certain God is gone/ but every shadow is evidence of sun
after the long night, You are sunrise

here's to hoping that one day, i'll see the sunrise
until then, i'll continue living out this dream, knowing that each day is a day my eighteen year old self would have done ANYTHING to live
knowing that each day is one more step preparing me for my ultimate childhood dream
a dream i am already able to achieve, but that each shift, each procedure, each new case only prepares me better for

leap of faith

This too shall pass oh but it always comes back
And it's knocking upon your door
You say how did you find me here
Cause I've been running for years

Now you're back in the same place
You've been here before
Stuck in a maze trying to find an open door
Pray for the strength and take a leap of faith

So what are you waiting for
Cause there is a Saviour waiting to save you
What are you drowning for


stuck in a maze trying to find an open door/ pray for the strength and take a leap of faith

that's what im doing tonight, same as many other nights. survived another night shift last night, ok not gloriously i must say, but at least i saw 14 pts! yay!

to d&a, for their encouragement through all of life's ups and downs, joys and dissappointments, for their level-headed logical advice, i can never thank you guys enough.

just a little bit more, and all this redtape and admin will be settled. and then i can start studying for exam in earnest! and start doing more research! hope that i can really just jump this one last hurdle.

sometimes, no many times, i want to just run away and go learn korean in korea. then d will tell me to stop being such an idiot. haha.

"We Will Never Give Up"

We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope
When all we see is fading
We trust in what we know
We will never give up

Pressed on every side
Praying for escape
We can see the answer
That You're the only way
We will never give up

We will fix our eyes on the One who will last forever
We will hold on tight to the only real treasure
We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope
We will give our lives to the One who will last forever

We were born into weakness
Fragile by design
So we hold onto Jesus
With everything inside
We will never give up

Monday, September 26, 2016

giants fall

"Giants Fall"

Everyone's telling you
To let go of what you're holding to
It's too late, too far
You're too small, it's too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you're not seeing
But oh, maybe they don't
Know what you know
That you're not alone

Don't you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything's possible
So step into the fight
He's right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

We could really live like this
Can't you imagine it
So bold, so brave
With childlike faith
Miracles could happen
Mountains would start moving
So whatever you may face


Ask and believe
You're gonna see
The hand of God in every little thing

how to see in the darkness

"A Way To See In The Dark"

I'll reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way

If every star falls and the sun fails to rise
If You are my help, my hope and my vision 
One step at a time You will lead

at the last moment it looks like it wont go through :( 

oh well. God will show me the way, in that i trust. 

Saturday, September 17, 2016

peace might be another world away

You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed, 
You watched my team win, 
You watched my team lose, 
You watched when my bicycle went down again,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break 
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”
nichole nordeman - i am 

haha one of my fav songs of all time

i dont think we can ever plan our lives, no, i dont think so anymore.
the times of my team winning or my team losing,
the times of heartbreak
these times seem so far away in a mythical land
there is only the neverending continuous shifts that blend into day and night

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But, Jesus, would You please

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude/ that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

Thursday, September 15, 2016

today i realized something

that even if i dont apply this time, at least i know for sure

this is it
and i know exactly when God told me: this is it

for the record, it's 12 june 2016

exactly in dramatic detail as david described it. i cant believed he remembered my moment of epiphany so well HAHA.


14th September: Dragons (4) -- Moods
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Psalm 42:5,11

In one of the loveliest of the Psalms these words come twice as a melancholy refrain. They must often and often have been echoed by hearts bowed down in a black mood of questioning. Why, O my soul, why?

Moods are, in themselves, not necessarily rational. Doctors should not need to be reminded of that. We know that various bodily states -- metabolic, digestive or what you will -- can determine our moods. But we still can forget this. We can feel depressed, mildly or seriously, for no apparent reason, and yet feel guilty or inhibited or restrained as a result. Moods can swing up and down at different times of day. I tend to have a mild downswing first thing in the morning and so have learnt to be wary of my feelings at that time. For others it can come during the busy part of the day, at twilight or in the night.

If we know that our moods can be unrelated to real circumstances, we need to learn to cope with them. That wise Christian realist, C S Lewis, has said, when talking about faith (Mere Christianity, p111), that it 'is the art of holding on to things your reasons has once accepted in spite of your changing moods. For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes ... unless you teach your moods "where they get off", you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs dependent on the weather or the state of its digestion'. Moods are dragons to be fought.

We may be sure, however, that his advice lines up with the Psalmist's further words: 'Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God'.

The next psalm gives us the prayer of hope:

Oh send out thy light and thy truth;
let them lead me,
Let them bring me to thy holy hill
and to thy dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy;
And I will praise thee with the lyre,
O God, my God

rollercoaster today
one life saved!

and then facing my own life's plight again

i realized today that its not going to be so easy to prove to people that i want to do this
they simply do not believe me
just coz i could have changed my mind so fast, doesnt mean they would believe that i could fall in and out of love with something so fast

lets put it out there, i was very, very sad to leave ce. i make no bones about that. walking out on the last day was one of the hardest things i ever did. it really felt like a second home.

HOWEVER, in the past 2.5 months since leaving, God's grace and mercy in my new posting has been truly endless.

the last time i experienced such grace and mercy was probably when God gave me all my miracles in the past.

i've met countless kind people - fellow mos, seniors and nurses alike, who taught me everything i need to know about adult medicine and adult emergency medicine with great patience and kindness despite the fact that i knew absolutely nothing about it and only know the paeds doses for urtis, that's it.

i've done innumerable new procedures firstly under guidance and later by myself, things i could never have imagined myself having the courage to do.

i've uncovered new sides to myself i truly didn't know i had before. new depths of courage, responsibility, incentive that i'm quite positive that was not inherent to me before this.

i've realized that all those years ago when God called me to medicine, he called me to THIS. THIS is what i signed up for when i signed up for medical school, but that three years ago, blinded by fears, insecurities & goodness knows what, i did not dare to do.

as time goes by, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that this is the path i must take even though it can be hard.

it's true that i did not make the about turn of my own volition. i did not one day give up and say "i have had enough of trying and now i shall try something else". it is true that God gave me this posting, this particular posting, because He is good, & because He wanted me to move on & stop ignoring his soft prompting. i admit that i did not give up by myself, but because God wanted me to stop moping in a corner that he has no plan for my life when he clearly does!!!

today, after making a call to scan and realizing that it was the right call, the satisfaction from that, i realized for the first time in my whole life that, i dont need to get into residency.

just doing this, and doing the right thing, is the best and happiest thing in the whole world.

& that God finally worked my miracle for me
not just getting into and passing medical school, but finding this path & fulfilling the wildest dreams of that wide-eyed pre-medical student standing outside the a&e doors vowing to one day be able to understand what goes on beyond those magical illusive doors.

i understand that, two weeks into this posting, it is too early to be able to prove anything.

i am willing to do whatever it takes & however long it takes
& i know that i will never, ever, lose my God, no matter how long it takes

& i will praise thee with the lyre/ o my God

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

in christ alone/ you are strength in my weakness

the brainfog is slowly clearing

i know this is the way to go, i know it
but i have miles to go before i sleep
the woods are lovely dark & deep

"Everything I Need"

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

years ago in a permafrost
God came to save me
in my dreams many times i have seen
his footprints in the snow
one pair of footprints
becos God carried me through it
countless times
he has sent angels to save me
be it that girl who comforted me crying in the stairwell at hugh robson
or a night shift nurse who takes blood for me
or dr j givin me a project on d3 of my posting
or opening windows for me when every door was closed
God has always, always come through
this is a difficult decision to make
this is a difficult step to take
esp when i know im still very noob
but i do this with the knowledge
that God will at the very least, break my fall
even if i dont get it this time, i'm sure he will heal my heart when it breaks
as it has already a million times over
and next time when i apply i'll be better for it! :) 

here goes
not my will but Yours

in brokeness i can see that this was your will for me

seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain 
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near
just came off a very very painful shift where i was, not kidding, CALLED BACK POST NIGHT which literally broke me

i was really surviving well, seeing 10-15pts/ night, getting all my plugs, doing the right things
no kidding

past two shifts my mind has been chugging along in a mental fog
in a level of exhaustion i had not known before (and trust me when i say ive had plenty of brutal shifts, brutal nights, long days) 

this was the LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE. 
at one point i told the sympathizing nurses "it feels like im just going to stay in hospital doing shift after shift and never going home" haha. 

ok anyway. somehow i survived it! not gloriously, not by any stretch of the imagination, but by the skin of my teeth. grateful to the nice bosses and also post shift chilling with c which helped my sanity. 

just praying that i do the right thing always
its very hard but I WILL TRY MY BEST. 

Saturday, September 10, 2016

pre night shift thoughts

i have this permanent feeling like i need one more cup of coffee to make my life complete

i believe this is called... coffee addiction, haha

i wont make a move without you

"Without You"

I'll walk beside You
As you lead me through still waters for my soul
I place my hope in all You are, yeah

And I know You'll guide me
To places where there's beauty to behold
There's no other place I'd rather be, no

Cause I've been down the other road
Where fear and doubt
They take control
And I won't go there anymore

And I won't make a move
Without You, whoa
I won't make a move
Without You
Right by my side
So I will wait for You
To lead me to
Any place where You need

I've walked through the fire
And every step You never left my side
In You is where my help comes from, yeah

Cause You lead, I'll follow
No matter if the place it seems so cold
My heart's desire is You Lord, yeah

And I'm letting go
I give You control
It's not my will
But Yours I'll follow

And I lay my life
Down at Your feet
And I know…

I won't make a move
Without You, whoa

Friday, September 9, 2016

find me/ hope running over when i let go

You'll find Me in the middle of your darkest night
In the storms, in the places that you thought you'd hide
Through it all I have never ever left your side

"Begin Again"

This one goes out to you
If you gave all you had and it wasn't enough
It goes out to you
If you're afraid you've failed everybody you've loved
It goes out to you
And you're so tired that you wanna give up

There's never been a night so long…
When you come to the end, you can begin again
This one goes out to you
When there's nothing more that you can do
When everything sad isn't coming untrue
And every dream you chased got away from you

It's never too late for a new start
If you give God the pieces of your broken heart
When you come to the end, you can begin again

It's okay, this is just the end
Don't be afraid, this is where it begins, oh
'Cause everything here had to fall apart
But in the ruins of a broken heart

I found peace like a river to attend my soul
Hope running over when I let go
I found joy that was hidden for all these years
And love overflowing to wash over everything
Here at the end of me

The end of me is not the enemy
It's where mercy gets the better part of me, oh
The end of me is not the enemy
It's where love was always leading me

some decisions have to be made, sooner rather than later

it's not too late for a new start, right? 
choosing this, it feels like when i finally let go, i found the joy that was hidden for all these years, hope running over, and love overflowing to wash over everything, here at the end of me. 

some days are great, some days, like today, im a little burnt out haha. 
i guess, if even at the end of a crazy day, i still want to do this, i must really want to do this. 
God, just show me where do i go from here.

it's crazy, but i'm going to try
i guess you must have really wanted me to try now, rather than in 1 yrs time. coz if not, i could just have wandered around another yr. there must be a really strong reason you put me here in this particular posting now. that was what i thought when i saw that result 4 mths ago. "God must have a plan after all!" so i'm going to follow that crazy plan even though it doesnt make any logical sense to me. i'm going to get every single plug and do every single procedure and hit my quota every day and do the right thing by every patient no matter how long it takes or what it costs me. so this way, i wont have any regrets about anything.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

if its not ok, its not the end

hahaha i remember the edin days where literally that phrase was all that kept me going

i think work has really changed me a lot, hopefully for the better
i never was famous for being responsible or organized as a kid. but somehow after starting this ho/mo thing, i became the kind of person who would walk back to check on a pt if i remembered i forgot to do something, if not i wouldnt be able to sleep that night.

i rmb once as hos, dot and i walked all the way to the mrt station when we walked back coz the nurse called us abt our team's patient. LOL

im still trying to discern what is the best thing to do.

but this i know, these two months, God has been really very kind to me.

from passing acls post night shift to going to such a happy place where everyone was so kind as to teach me the ropes, to potentially working there next time, to showing me that the whole peds diversion was not wasted, but rather an asset (for the record, i loved peds, and i loved ce. just want to put it out there. even if its three yrs of my life spent, and much heartbreak, i dont regret it even if i dont gain anything from it).

everyone's reaction to my prev postings is so funny
invariably it goes like this
them: so what postings did u do before this?
me: abt one yr of peds and ce?
them: omg!
me: yup
them: why did you do that!

to having dr j give me a project on d3 of the posting!

continuing on God's mercies include my first resus shift having my sk boss in resus, and half the sknurses. and by the end of that shift i had made friends w the other nurses too. 2nd shift was fever, i walked in and the nurse says "dr e, thanks for the other day". me "the other day??" nurse "resus shift! that was fun wasnt it?" :):) 3rd shift procedure mo, nailed my first m&r, backslabed and t&sed many pple, at the end of it the con asks me "what posting did you come from? ortho" hahahah

4th shift night - with friendly and nice cons and the sk buddy js, and nurses who helped me take blood, not once but many times!! literally jaw drop.
nurse: dr u type the notes. i will help u set plug and take blood, how many tubes do u want?
wahhh literally jaw dropped.
it was so fun doing it with js as well. he was like "eh im going to do t&s now. leave u alone here u can ah. ... oh cannot get iv plug is it" *helps me set plug in less in 2 mins for the pt, breaks the iv frusemide and injects it into the pt*
not to mention we had such a kind night shift, even the con remarked that it was a really good night (comparatively speaking)

looking back at the past two months, its becoming abundantly clear that when we come to the end of ourselves, and cant go any further, God will come and help us.

i dont deny that i would like to get into residency faster hahaha im feeling abit old nowadays. and my friends are gonna all become reg alr.

but i dont think greediness to get into residency stat is a good idea. not if thats the only reason to get in stat. i mean i want to do this with my life, there is no qn abt it.

i remember when my mum said "as time goes by, its becoming more and more clear [that this is what God is leading me towards]" and not for the first time, i felt the truth of that resonating with me.

there are many reasons, of which i wont really go thru now, but i feel that compared to what i wanted the past three years, that maybe when we let go of our own selfish desires and laundry lists of prayers, that God's soft prompting can be better heard. not my will, but Yours be done :)

not to mention... drs without borders!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

nothing is wasted

reading doctors without borders blogs is so incredibly inspiring
this paragraph particularly speaks to me, for obvious reasons.
will that be me too? in 5-6yrs time? will i ever qualify for that seat on that plane? so much longer to go, so much more to learn, until i can be ready for that day.

"The 10 years it took for me to even qualify for a seat on this plane - of hard work, of heartache, of overcoming obstacle after obstacle for me to live this dream – pales in comparison to the suffering of this country, magnified over decades. Now that I am finally here after so long, perspective assuages the memory of personal trials and tribulations. I am already suffering the aftershocks of my humanity and empathy being confronted by everything I see here. 

I think of my extremely worried  parents back home watching me disappear into this world they will never understand, helplessly turning their crying faces away as we said goodbye, my mother clutching at my father’s bowed back for support. Their only daughter, given all the opportunities to achieve Asian values of success and prosperity, raised with all the conventions of conformism to Asian decorum, now flying away into a country in the middle of civil war. 

As grateful as I am for the opportunity to be humbled and challenged by working with MSF, for the opportunity to follow my heart and know it will be broken completely, to choose to grow... this has been the most selfish thing I have ever done. I swallow the seeds of consternation, trepidation and guilt with every step, feeling more alone and lost than I have ever felt in my life."

on a random note, the other day one of the seniors in the dept who has gone on multiple drs without borders missions taught me how to use the abg machine! omg i tell you. SUCH A FANGIRL MOMENT. hahah

Sunday, September 4, 2016

love will have the final word

pre my virgin night shift at the new posting, having the usual pre-shift palpitations
what gets me thru the shifts is the knowledge that if God brings me to something, he will bring me through it. 

some jason gray lyrics: 

"Love Will Have The Final Word"

When the voice of fear rages in my head
Reading down the long list of my regrets
When the ruins are all I see
Remind me that it only means
That love isn't finished speaking yet

Of all the things I've ever heard
Let me remember when it hurts
That love will have the final word

When the place that broke inside you will not mend
And you wander in the dark without a friend
When the night goes on and on
this is how we know it's not the end

Cause the worst thing is never the last thing
No, the last thing will be the best thing

As long as God is on His throne
I am carried by the hope
That love will have the final word

"Even This Will Be Made Beautiful, Pt. 2"

Could this, even this, be made beautiful?
Growing up I was told the sun would always rise
And I believed because I was a child

I know I shouldn’t worry
And I should not be afraid
I want to walk across the water
I want to rise above the crashing waves

There’s never been a night the morning couldn’t break
Or a heart that wasn’t forged in the fires of its own ache
What’s left after the storm is left for heaven’s sake
For the breaking and remaking of our hearts

If you would choose to use me my Savior
In spite of my fears and all of my failures
I'm not much to look at
But whatever I am, I'm yours

there's never been a night the morning couldn't break/ i am carried by the hope/ that love will have the final word. 

it's been a rollercoaster past three shifts - fever/ procedure/ resus. i still have a long long way to go, and much to learn, but am ever grateful for the big & small mercies. like having a con i knew really well for the resus shifts, and knowing half the nurses there that day already. seeing the exact same case the day before during the shift i was called back for (!!) hence knowing exactly what to do. getting EVERY SINGLE plug and blood culture during my fever shift (literally a miracle). i don't know how much longer this marathon lasts, but im willing to keep on running. 


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...