Tuesday, July 5, 2016

the night before

5th July: The Night Before...

Have I not commanded you? Fear not. Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

The words given to Joshua can be a great support to us: 'Fear not, have I not commanded you?' The Christian goes as God's ambassador about his daily duties, and this includes public appearances. As an ambassador he does his very best, prepares well beforehand, rehearses, thinks about the important points and seeks the help of others. But having done all this, when the occasion comes, he goes as a servant of the living God, even though speaking on secular matters. He relies on the strength and courage that God gives in response to his prayers and know that God will be with him. The words he uses, the standard he sets, the grace and consideration he shows towards the patient whose case he demonstrates, these all come from his maker. And so the burden becomes lighter, the accomplishment greater, and God's name is honoured.

Joshua did all that was humanly possible to prepare for the taking of Jericho, and he was right to do so. But, military genius though he was, he only found victorious power when, on the eve of the battle, he met the Captain of the host of the Lord, drawn sword in hand, and fell down and worshipped him (Jos 5:13-15).

It was for Joshua to do his best in total reliance on the Lord. It was for the Lord to magnify him in the eyes of other people as he saw fit (Jos 4:14).

Teach us good Lord to serve thee as thou deservest,

to give and not to count the cost,

to fight and not to heed the wounds,

to toil and not to seek for rest,

to labour and not to ask for any reward

save that of knowing that we do thy will.

Ignatius Loyola

these exact same words one year & now, have a very different ring to it. one year ago, it was me trying to justify to myself that God would want me to try one more time. to be fair, the call to do paeds? my love for paeds? it was very very strong. i think a lot of the time we want something a lot and we keep praying for it and we ignore the small voice saying something else. or the very obvious big signs. but i dont regret my one year in paeds, i'm amazed that i cleared so many trials and tribulations and survived despite all the uncertainties and stressors. although i wish my handover presentation had been a little better HAHA. and most importantly, when i see a kid during consults, (obviously) i dont feel scared or uncertain at all, i know exactly what to do, down to the doses. i know this is sth that as years go by, i will be very very grateful and thankful to God for the experience for. and i was happy. no doubt abt that. but now its time to explore in a slightly different direction. 

the funny thing is that these days, for the first time the road ahead is much much clearer. sitting there as God unfolded all the things i could do with my life, i can't help but be amazed sometimes. 

there always is someone who comes when i'm most down, believes in me, and gives me another chance to prove myself. there is no try, there is only do. there is no "i dont know adult med, i may suck at it", there is only "God has given me this chance to prove myself and i need to learn everything i can, until i can do it". thank you especially to my fellow mos who altho they are so experienced in emed already, are so willing to help me, to tell me what analgesia to prescribe (coz in paeds we only used paracet and brufen, in adults its like usually pethidine + maxalon, or diclofenac, or tramadol. then u discharge them with anarex or codeine). 

i really dont know why God sent this heaven sent opportunity to me, it really beats me. but i'm going to make the most of it :):) 

dear God, the reward truly lies in knowing that we do thy will. 

it goes without saying that i still need to survive crazy shifts. but if i can easily see 4-5 pts/day i think 10pts/day for my first shift may be doable? the trick is to see fast, take bloods, and move on to next pt awhile awaiting bloods (assuming pt is stable ofcos pts who arent stable will need far more intervention). 

and maybe one day, i can do what i really wanted to do pre-med school. no not neurosurgery, not surgeon101. not paeds neuro, that came later, around year 2 of med sch. when you really dig down into what made me apply all over the world and fly off alone never looking back, spend all those winters with the heat up high, it was for this. this which i never once imagined i would be able to do. now that the possibility lies before me, a once in a lifetime chance, there is no room for error, just trust in God, trust that if He brings you here through a truly truly very convoluted roundabout route & through some very funny machninations, He must have a Plan for it all. 

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