Saturday, July 9, 2016

be still & know

28th July: Still Waters Run Deep

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations. Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
Medicine can easily consume all our waking hours, and probably nowhere more so than during housejobs. The new responsibility, the volume of work, perhaps not being able to get away from hospital during off duty hours because the residency is in the hospital -- all these things contribute to make it difficult to take time off, mentally and physically.
Life becomes busy, full and tiring. It's a very stark contrast to be asked to 'be still'. For one thing, it can be surprisingly difficult to be still after being busy. I'm often reminded of Elijah in this context, in his severe depression after being God's champion on Mount Carmel.
He needed spiritual and physical refreshment, both of which God provided. But God really touched the heart of Elijah's need, not in the obvious power and noise of earthquake or fire, but in a still, small voice -- just, I think, what he did not expect after God's mighty demonstration of power on Carmel.
It's hard to be still amid a busy schedule, and we shall always have the temptation of other things to occupy us. God wants to and does speak to us when we are still -- give him time to; he alone, by allowing us to experience and know him, can give our lives the perspective they need.
Father, don't let me so swamped with a busy schedule
that emptiness and depression characterise my inner life.
Refresh me and assure me of your strength,
as you let me know you in stillness.
Let me hear your still, small voice daily.

retreat was really good. except i think i shouldnt have joined the boys group at the last bit HAHA they could have had more personal reflections other than on mc giving if i had not been there. wahaha. usually we dont have so much luxury of time to reflect on our lives & what is going rightly or wrongly. we just plunge headlong into it & hope for the best. 

my current posting is quite chillax haha. ok that's an understatement. but in a way, i think it's good to learn veeeery slowly abt adult med. where else could i ask my fellow mos "eh what analgesia do we give for back pain. im pethidine and maxolon can or not". 

i'm both scared & excited abt the impending two months in the main hospital. it's going to be very very busy and yet exciting (i think? i hope). the last time i felt this way is when i was going up to the wards from ce. i think everyone was tellin me to hit the ground running but as much as i tried, i really couldnt. i could only do my best, as much as i could & knew how. 1yr plus later, with plenty more experience and a hundredfold more jaded, yet totally inexperienced in this particular field... its a very strange mix of emotions

it was good that i made time for retreat. yeah my inner cheerleader can tell myself a lot of thigns too but who knows how right it may be HAHA. its good to hear from an external source. when you lay it all out in front of God then you can clearly see that the doors seem to be closing, slowly but firmly, & if you run towards it and try to wrench it open, you will be either deluged by an enthusiastic 3yo singing "let it go" from beyond the doors (true story. NONSTOP renditions of this for like ten minutes. maybe she was trying to tell me sth. or maybe God was trying to hint something). or you may get your fingers caught in the door and get a nail avulsion. which would be very terrible indeed. i want to repair a nail avulsion not sustain one myself thx. 

& you realise that the sudden influx of grace coming in is more than just a coincidence, it's God opening windows for you. passing adult acls on the first try post night shift, getting posted to a place where people not only appreciate my paeds experience muchly but are so kind & willing to teach me the adult med i am now trying to remember instead of being thrown into the deep end right away, being able to set adult plugs so much better than i could as a ho despite not having set adult plugs for 1.2yrs. the nice ac who gave me a project to do on like d3 of my posting. the person who said of my peds experience "oh! you are a valuable asset". all these awesomeness flooding in all at once, it's definitely God coming to save me in the middle of a flood. 

that's all i know. 

in this season, it's a time to slow down & hear that small still voice 
knowing that God had a plan right from the start
even though the way might be mountainous & filled with obstacle courses & trolls
that it is not just my inner cheerleader's broken radio telling myself "it is going to work out. everything is going to be ok" 

that at the end, i will truly understand & all the puzzle pieces will fit together. 

to be perfectly honest, i was really sad walking out of ce for the last time, because i sort of knew that after this, i may not go back for good.but not that i'll never ever go back, coz emedpple do do a few mths there, but not as a ce or peds person. i really did love that place. not just becos kids are cute (which they are, but alot of kids come to accclinic as well HAHA. the nurses were like 'how come when u are here there are always kids!'). its actually mostly coz of the people. went back to submit ot claims the other day, feelings of nostalgia washing over me as i passed the familiar nurses, the usual crying kids being fed paracet or being nebbed. the people really make the place. but if i had never done ce, never gingerly done my first t&s or first m&r, never learnt how awesome the adrenaline rush is in resus, my eyes would never have been opened to a whole new world & i would not have dared to take this new direction. so it feels sad leaving,but also really grateful that God can turn everything for good. even when we dont follow his directions & wander off the path, he will never let any experience go to waste. 

now off to watch the emedinduction videos :) 
i love learning new stuff. and there is SO MUCH NEW STUFF to learn. 
my first adult pt was.... dengdengdeng an uncle who needed a finger t&s. LOL both anticlimax and relief washing over me, as i know i can definitely do a finger t&s HAHA. 
& i am sure i will eat all these words once i do my first shift at the main hospital. good luck to me. LOL.

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