Monday, June 27, 2016

you are not alone

sanctus real - longer than a lifetime 
I can see the leaves are moving
I can feel a change in the air
But I know You'll go before me
Cause You've always been there
Dark clouds
Blue skies
Every season of this life
I know You'll be by my side

Even when the lights fade out
Even when we say goodbye
We have a love that lasts
Longer than a lifetime
So here's to the times we've shared
Here's to the tears we've cried
Here's to a love that lasts
Longer than a lifetime

Lookin' out the window I see
White lines racing by
Like the minutes moving past me
Another year in the blink of an eye
Big cities
Small towns
Every road You lead us down
This is the hope we found

When I feel I've lost
Lost my way
And I can see the seasons change
Through it all You'll be my strength

Through it all I'll still have faith

this song makes a good ode to ce haha:
Even when we say goodbye/ We have a love that lasts/ Longer than a lifetime/ So here's to the times we've shared/ Here's to the tears we've cried/ Here's to a love that lasts/ Longer than a lifetime


i dont usually listen to chinese songs, but monster x's mashup is fantastic! esp shownu's dancing. i think im regressing coz when i was in secondary sch i wanted to marry walt whitman/ wh auden. now im like OMG taeyang OMG shownu.

beast's butterfly is awesome too :)

shall save all the epilogues for after my first ed shift. and maybe when i have actually finished my m&m. but my heart feels very full to the brim leaving ce. overflowing with gratitude and thankfulness for the lovely nurses and colleagues, my fellow mos esp mich wong, feli, shanti, denyse  :)

a place that taught me literally everything i know now. a place that feels like home. dear ce, thank you for everything. thank you for teaching me how to be a good doctor, for all the exciting resuses i had the chance to be a part of. i never thought i would be fighting for the chance and opportunity to go and help out with a trauma code or that i would even be of any use in one. when dr j said "ok you can stay, you earned it", the feeling of YES!! haha.

thank you for teaching me that if i put my mind to it, i can do anything, even things i once thought impossible. if not for my ten months in ce, i would never have dared to attempt adult emed. although its also a different kettle of fish in many ways and i'm also quite scared (but excited), i know that if life has taught me anything, it taught me that if God brings me to something, he will bring me through it. i think that i have known this for awhile actually but i never dared to step out of my comfort zone. come to think of it, my first day of ce as a baby mo and first day as peds med mo was also spent feeling very NOOB haha so i guess all new things take awhile to find one's way.

ok m&m!

Saturday, June 25, 2016


hiking in the swiss alps was awesome!!

many thanks to God for the beautiful weather on jungfrau on the day we took the train to the top! especially as it was forecasted to rain the whole week! the great weather everyday actually. when we got to montreux a dude on the bus told us "this is great weather. it's been raining for five weeks and just stopped today". we also walked right into a marching band competition on the main street haha. and the many many kind swiss people who gave us indispensible directions and advice on routes to walk. 

now on to m&m part 2 -_- all my m&ms are on ent topics haha.
i have 3 hrs to do my m&m before shift. once i survive that, then i need to mug acls, then survive a night shift, then survive the actual acls post night, then present my m&m, then study for ALL OF ADULT MEDICINE. maybe i should have spent my leave mugging all the aforementioned things...

anyway no regrets, it was the best recharging experience EVER. except for the part where i caught an urti with an extremely productive phelgmy cough, came back super jetlagged to a new computer system IE bad planning hahaha but i totally did not know like 6mths in advance when i booked my tix that we were gonna change computer systems!

been having a spate of exciting resuses pre and post leave. i'm loving it!! now to survive m&m. yes i can do it!!

Monday, June 13, 2016


10th June: My Shepherd

It is possible for us, as for sheep, to have got into our valley imperceptibly, by wandering on without listening for orders, or more precipitately by running heedlessly after other (or another) wayward sheep.  The sides of a dark valley are so steep and awesome that a lost sheep must feel woefully small and intimidated there. His presence will never fail. His power will open up the way and bring me out into the clear again. I cannot fly out of this valley, nor run away from it, but I will walk through it, with his help. In time, I shall be able to thank my Shepherd for all that he came to mean to me in the valley.

:):) best sunday mass EVER. thank you God for the gift of medicine, i promise to do my best

Thursday, June 9, 2016

all in

9th June: My Shepherd

We can rejoice in the Shepherd's clear leading and share enthusiastically with others that he never fails -- until he suddenly seems to lead us into a blind alley. Does the trust then evaporate and the rejoicing stop? Whatever the initial impact may be and however we arrived there, this is a chance to discover that our Lord does not lead into blind alleys, yet he sometimes allows us to enter dark valleys. At times, it may seem that the long, dark, uncharted way will last forever, and that I may even die there (if only I could...). Yet it seems that David is not here referring to death itself, as verse 5 speaks of enemies so cannot refer to heaven; yet even the shadow of death conveys a picture of loss, of grief and of gloom. 

We do not need to fear the shadows, however real they may seem, when the substance has been conquered by our resurrected Lord. The presence of a shadow across our path often indicates that there is sunshine not far away -- indeed, shadows may fall precisely because we have our backs to the light. Even when completely in the dark. we can trust that the Light of the world will finally break through. Bewildered and frightened sheep are not left by their shepherd to panic alone in the valley, and neither are we. There is no possible evil that our Good Shepherd cannot either keep at bay, or slay. He is a match for them all.

Christ, who knows all his sheep,
will all in safety keep.
He will not lose one soul,
nor ever fail us;
Nor we the promised goal,
though hell assail us.

Richard Baxter.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

even though i loved you

101 things to do and decisions to make. previously i was debating with myself 2b or not 2b - and eventually decided  on buying the sogang 2b textbook hahaha that was an easy decision on hindsight

now the decision is: 2a or not 2a?

on one hand, this is an exam i had planned to take for a long, long time. to be specific i was sitting in on the pre exam tutorials since like last december -_-
on another hand what's the point of taking the exam if i'm not going to do this speciality for the rest of my life..? it could be argued that knowledge is good but yknow if i need any more knowledge it would probably be of adult med of which i currently remember NOTHING from med school haha.

it just strikes me that i've spent what seems like a long time on this road that i set out on because of my own pride & dreams. that even though God kept gently nudging me in a different direction, i kept on stolidly refusing to heed all signs, even if an ostrich came to trumpet at me that i was going the wrong way, i wouldnt have allowed myself to be any the wiser.

7th June: Not my Own
You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Bleep, bleep! There it goes again! I'm wanted somewhere in the hospital. If only they would leave me alone to finish what I am doing! There's not a minute's peace!

It reminds me of our life as Christians; we have no rights, we have been bought with a price, we are not our own. We have deliberately chosen, and must continue to choose moment by moment to belong to God. We are 'on call' for Jesus.

My bleep is long range; God can call me wherever I am. It works one way; it is for me to listen to it and answer the call. It can call me at any time; I must always be ready to hear it. Every day it needs recharging as does my life in God. I must spend time seeking his resources as I read the Bible carefully and prayerfully, and as I bring myself to him to be moulded into his pattern, and as I pray for the needs of others whom I shall meet today.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God (Rom 8:14).

The entrance fee to the kingdom of God is nothing,
the annual subscription is everything.

Henry Drummond.

Now read the story of a man who heard God's call wherever he was, whatever he was doing, whenever it came, and did at once whatever he was asked to do. Acts 8:5-12, 26-40. 
i dont know if i will end up taking this exam, or not. or if taking it even helps me with anything one bit -_-

but this i know - that God's will is slowly being revealed to me, that finally after years of succumbing to my own dreams & pride, that i am finally taking the right road. no-one says this will be an easy road, but at least it's the right one

Thursday, June 2, 2016

if we love again

2nd June: Fatalism or Faith
Come, now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town, and spend a year there...; whereas you do not know about tomorrow... Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and we shall do this or that'. James 4:13-15

We make our plans -- and so we ought -- but always with the proviso 'if the Lord wills'.

Forty-five years ago I was in another situation which might have spelt the end. I was facing an angry horde of armed savages in Central Africa advancing on me and my two African companions. I was scared. Then I remembered the promise, 'Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night, nor for the arrow that flieth by day' (Ps 91:5). God was there. 

This note of confidence, of utter trust in God sounds strongly throughout scripture. Whatever the appearances, God is in charge. However black the night, however delayed and uncertain the dawn, God is still in charge; he always has been, 'out of them all the Lord delivered me' (2 Tim 3:11 AV); he is now, 'He delivered us...and he will yet deliver us' (2 Cor 1:10 AV); he always will be, 'Though I pass through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me' (Ps 23:4).

Nothing -- no, nothing -- can separate us from the love of God. Rest in that assurance. 'Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him for evermore' (Scottish Catechism).

God's will for us is to be enjoyed, not endured.


the first thing that popped into my head when seeing the results on yet another millionth cab ride home was "!! God has a plan after all!"

the second thing was "crap i just paid 200bucks to renew my pastest subscription"

isn't it funny how things turn out?

anyway, i'm pretty sure i will be VERY NOOB coz i am basically a baby mo when it comes to adults. preterm even. on the bright side, i think, at least i sincerely hope that my blood taking skills have improved after all these years. but guess what, i survived thoroughly sucking for one year, i'm sure i can survive learning a new set of skills!

veryyy excited & nervous. essentially it feels like the first day of school. LOL

something that bode well at least - that i remember that random monday when i went for mass & came back & suddenly decided to make the switch -  (because it becomes a little ridic when it's you begging God to please just let you try one more time? one more? for? your pride? the fireworks you thought were but were clearly as ill-advised as the friendships which burst with bubbles in the cold winter air) and then backtracked to put off the switch for one more year. or 1.5 yrs more rather. guess God doesn't want me to put it off for one more year huh, as evidenced very clearly.... & that the very first thought that popped into my mind (well after HAHAHAHA), was "wow, God has a plan after all" :)

so as always, i'm going to try and do my best. it's going to be difficult to transit to talking to people who are not 3yo and who you cannot instantly make friends with by proffering sweets, but i guess at least they won't burst into tears upon seeing your face? haha. i'm always up for a new challenge, bring it on!! :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...