Sunday, May 29, 2016

wait for me

can't pinpoint when i started to feel rather zzzz about this all exactly although i know that ho yr & baby mo year made me feel more jaded than an antique jade bangle

i think its coz three months ago i was just completely numb to the aftershocks & also the patient load decreased so i was feeling really chillaxed. and so my mental capacities also turned towards learning korean rather than the minutae of pseudopseudohyperparathyroidism or whatevs

remembering the nights i spent in the tutorial room with the residents and being able to answer (correctly) a few of the part 2a qns and feeling accomplished - no wonder i knew so much when i went back to ce this second time haha

nowadays... the mojo isnt really there

at this point in my life, the constant stream of "God has a plan, it's all going to be okay at the end" has all been repeated by my inner cheerleader so many times that it's beginning to lose effect. like how i used to say sorry until it had no meaning anymore. 

& im feeling kinda in limbo at the moment cos i dont know where i'll be posted next few months. really makes me feel like a wandering nomad

until the last few days where i saw some really interesting cases & also my patient reattended and when the kid walked into my room, the mother said happily "it's you again!! so good to see you again!" hahah i was so surprised!! that was really nice of her. usually for reattendances sometimes they walk in and are like EH the other doctor was WRONG then its umm ok awkward way to start off a consult, but hey i was trained on how to talk to pts by dr chiachungking so i can do this!! i mean nothing can beat those 5 mins spent awkwardly talking to aunties and uncles about their lives, their grandchildren, the weather, their hobbies on our first day in the ward right guys? ;p 

all things considered, i'm really happy to have survived my m&m becos i have a little bit of a trauma from the last ward handover presentation i did in which i completely convinced myself that my debate skills do not help one little bit - which defeats the purpose cos in debate you are trained to go up thinking that you are AWESOME and you can pulverize the opp to bits and then when you start speaking you feel no fear at all

but in medicine it's a completely different ball game. you KNOW you are small fry. no pulverizing of anyone except your own ego really haha. plus you really often do know less than the audience on the given topic hahh. ANYWAYS so events of the past week or so aside, i'm really grateful that the con running m&m was such a nice & awesome one :) it really makes such a big difference 

im going on leave sooN! a super much needed break. after that i'll come back and start fighting again. although i have to confess that as time goes by, i dont really know what im fighting for

but maybe one day when i finally come to the end of myself (assuming i haven't already, i think it sure felt like i cant run anymore about a thousand times now), God will finally, finally come through. i wish i could be the girl who hopes in the middle of impossibility but its just that i also dont know what to hope for anymore. i guess i can hope for peace and sanity, that's the most anyone can hope for :)

a lovely song by one of my fav groups!

here's to trying out more new cases and learning new things i've never learnt everyday :) 

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